Chapter 4: Medicine Ball

I was tired. I was really goddamn tired. I was vaguely aware of Alex, still sitting to my left, gently rubbing my back, and whispering kind nonsense in my direction. I wanted to feel something about all this, anything at all, but I was so tired. I couldn’t bring myself to be angry that my own dad would say such horrible things, I couldn’t be sad that I’d lost my family, and I couldn’t even feel relief that I’d gotten out of such a horrible situation. All I wanted, more than anything, was to curl up and pass out. I’d work out all my feelings after.

Eventually, the car stopped. Maybe it had stopped a while ago, and I just hadn’t noticed. I looked over at Alex, the worry in her eyes plain to see. Her hand moved up from my back to run through my hair, and she gave me a cautious half smile.

“We’re here… How ya feeling cutie?”

I leaned into her gentle touch. Regardless of anything else, however bad things were, however hard it was for me to feel anything at all right now, Alex felt safe. She was safety, and for now at least, she was home. 

“Heh, I’m gonna be honest Allie, I feel fucking exhausted right now. Everything else is secondary.”

“Yeah? Then let’s get you inside. How’s a comfy bed sound?”

She opened her door and stepped out of the car, and I did the same.

“Oh yeah, that sounds pretty great actually.”

She walked up to the door ahead of me, opening it wide with a flourish.

“Then a bed you shall have!”

She was such a nerd. A butch, punchy nerd, but a nerd nonetheless. Speaking of, I had an important question for her.

“You’ve been awfully smooth tonight Alex, it’s weird.” She snorted a bit as she led the way inside. “Seriously though, ‘I’m option three’? How long were you sitting on that one? There’s no way you came up with it on the spot.”

She turned and looked at me.

“Aha, yeah, that. I’m gonna be real with you cutie, I was trying to find a way to squeeze that in from the moment I got out of my car. Your fuckin sperm donor really knows how to shout.”

Another voice piped up from behind Alex, a scruffy looking guy was splayed out across the couch in the open living room.

“Sounds like I missed something pretty exciting, huh Lexxi. It’s been a while since you brought a chick home. Is she the one from work? What’s her name, uh…”

“That’s enough Jay. She’s been through a lot tonight.” She let out a long sigh. “Brie, this is Jay. He’s my roommate, he’s kind of an ass sometimes, but he’s good people. Jay, this is Brie. We work together, and she’s gonna be staying here a while. If you’ve got an issue with that, no you don’t, shut up.”

Jay, for his part, just yawned and took a hit of his vape.

“All good Lexxi, no issues here. Hey Brie, if anyone gives you any trouble, you just let me know. I may not be like Punchy McPunchface over here, but I stick by my friends, and if Lexxi cares about you this much, then you’re already a friend in my book.”

“Yeah, sure. Punchy McPunchface, why not? Speaking of which, my room is over there, Brie.” She gestured towards one of the two doors connecting to the living room/kitchen space. “How about you get settled in while I take care of some stuff? I kinda split my knuckle open and I wanna get that covered up. I’ll just crash on the couch tonight, if that’s all good.”

A nice comfy bed did sound pretty great right about now, and I started walking towards Alex’s room. There was just one small problem though.

“Hey Allie, I’d actually rather you not sleep on the couch tonight. I- You know, you’re really doing a lot for me right now, and I just don’t think it’d be super fair for you to be couch surfing in your own house after doing all this for me…”

“Oh, it’s ok Brie. You had a rough night, you should be sleeping somewhere comf-”

“And I just really don’t want to be alone tonight! Sorry… I just- I’d feel better knowing you’re there… Please.”

Before I could even finish speaking, I found myself bundled up in a hug. Alex was holding me loosely, her chin brushing gently on the top of my head. 

“Then you won’t be. You won’t be alone. You just get your makeup off and get comfy, I’ll take care of my bloody knuckles, and then I’ll be right in there, alright? I’ll be ten, fifteen minutes tops.”

“Ok.”

I stepped back as Alex released me, feeling somewhat refreshed as I walked into her room, closing the door behind me. Just before it clicked shut, I heard Jay laughing as he spoke.

“That’s kinda gay, Lexxi. Uhaul much?”

With the door closed, I opened my duffel bag and wondered briefly what he’d meant. Uhaul? Like the trucks? Ah well, I was too tired to dig too much into whatever that was. I pulled out my pajamas - which basically amounted to an oversized t-shirt and some cozy cotton shorts - and got changed. I wasn’t rushing this time, and as I stripped off my shirt and cardigan, those odd feelings surfaced once again. For the first time, I didn’t feel some vague sense of disgust when I looked down. Everything just felt… right. I put my pajamas on before walking to the adjoining bathroom to wipe off my makeup as best I could, studying my face in the mirror as I worked. I looked like I could be my own sister, all the hard edges had softened, and I seemed more expressive overall, but I still had the same freckles, the same green eyes, the same deep black hair. I liked this face. Brie seemed way cooler than Isaac, and I found myself wishing I really was her, that I really could be her. It’s strange, her story and mine were nearly identical, and here I was, walking around in her skin, but I still felt like an imposter. A lier.

I splashed some water on my face before staring in the mirror again, whispering affirmations to myself.

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“Tonight’s been hard, but you made it through. You’re safe now. You did it Brie.”

Wait.

When had I started to think of myself as Brie? Was I allowed to do that? This wasn’t my body, it wasn’t my life. I was supposed to be Isaac, wasn’t I? Otherwise I would’ve been born as Brie instead. You can’t just change how you’re born… Can you?

I guess I couldn’t really change this either though. I may have been Isaac before, but I was Brie now, and I think I liked being Brie a lot more. Even though so much had gotten so much harder, I liked looking this way, I liked being called a woman, and I really liked when Alex called me a cutie. I was cute, wasn’t I? And she had this special way of saying it that made me feel warm and safe and loved. I walked back into the bedroom to find Alex, now wearing loose comfy pants and a sports bra sitting on the edge of the bed. Holy hell she was gorgeous. I kept my eyes (mostly) fixed on the floor as I grabbed my stuffie and sat on the bed. God damn those abs. God damn those back muscles. I felt heat rising to my cheeks.

Alex just leaned back onto a pillow before looking over at me.

“So… who’s the bear?”

I let out an undignified squeak.

“A-ah, r- right. This is Ms. Grizzle… I’ve had her since I was a kid…”

She gave me a tiny chuckle as she stroked my arm.

“Ms. Grizzle?”

“I really liked The Magic School Bus, and kid me had good taste in puns…”

She laughed again, her voice low and sweet.

“You’re adorable.”

I felt a shifting on the bed and turned to see that she’d rolled onto her side, facing away from me, taking slow, deep breaths. Cautiously, I crawled under the covers too, trying to ignore the toe curling warm feeling her laugh had elicited. How the hell was I supposed to get to sleep now?

 

It turns out the answer was actually pretty simple. I settled in, closed my eyes, and within moments I was out like a light.

 

I woke up warm and cozy. The space was unfamiliar, but I felt safe, I felt good. I was hugging something - probably Ms. Grizzle - and my head was nestled into a nice soft pillow. I say I woke up, but honestly I was still in that half sleeping state where if nothing interrupted you, you could slip right back into a dream without even realizing. I dimly heard myself whimper slightly as I shifted around, trying to get comfortable. Then a hand fell upon my head, brushing gently through my hair and pulling me closer to wakefulness. Alex spoke up, her voice a low murmur.

“I’m glad you’re comfy Brie, but I think we could both probably use some breakfast soon. Would you mind getting off of me Cutie?”

Allie wanted me to wake up? But I was so comfy! I just wanted to stay here…

A few seconds ticked by, and my brain finally put together the rest of what she said.

I had to get off her? Then I was hugging her, wasn’t I? And the pillow? Holy shit I was wide awake now! My eyes opened wide, and yep, I wasn’t just hugging her, I was clinging to her side like a baby sloth, with my head resting squarely on her chest. I unwrapped myself from around her as fast as I could, sitting bolt upright.

“Alex! I- Um… You- And I was… shit…”

She just smiled up at me, with her confident, heart melting grin. Fuck she was gorgeous. I knew I had a crush on her before, but here with her now, after everything she’d done for me, and with that damn smile, I couldn’t help but stare at her lips. I knew that I was probably blushing right now, that my feelings would be painted across my face, but I didn’t care.

Then I remembered it was a lie. It was all a lie, and if she knew who I was, who I really was, she’d hate me. She’d never smile at me like this again. I was a guy, even though I wished I was anything but, and if she knew that, she’d never have let me near her, she’d never have come to save me. She deserved better. She deserved the truth, and I was going to find a way to tell her, one way or another. If I really cared about her the way I thought I did, then I’d give her that at least. I worked up the courage to say it just as she opened her mouth as well, both of us speaking over the other.

“I’m not who you think I am!”

“Holy shit you’re beautiful…”

Then, after both of us had thoroughly confused the other, we spoke our next word in tandem.

“What?”

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