Chapter 13: Human Peer Bonding

On top of Blue base.

"Let me get this straight..." Tucker starts. "You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"

"In a nutshell, yes." Church says. "That's an excellent summary."

"I wish I could be as cool as her." Bell says.

"I should have known." Caboose says. "She didn't like me. Girls NEVER like me."

"Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you." Tucker says.

"Hey, I like Caboose." Bell states. "He's my friend."

"You're just special, Bell." 

"That's mean." Bell mutters to herself.

Tucker turns back to Church. "I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? or like... part guy, part shark?"

"I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy." Church states. "And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark."

"Wait, wait, wait..." Everyone looks to Caboose. "If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?"

"Uh... Because she's from Texas." Caboose just stares at Church. "Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Right." Tucker agrees. "You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half-woman, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!"

Bell turns to Tucker. "Even I won't sleep with you, I would rather sleep with James Taylor or Marie Benit. And they both were jerks from my Highschool."

"Wait." Tucker turns to Bell. "One of those is a girl and the other is a guy... does that mean."

"Yes, Tucker, I'm Bi." Bell says confidently.  "And I'm proud of it."

"...That's honestly slightly hot. A girl kissing a girl, I could-"

"Will you two shut up?" Church asks and he continues explaining stuff about Tex. "Tex got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic, where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

"A.I." Caboose says thoughtfully. "What's the A stand for?"

"Artificial." 

"...What's the I-?"

Church interrupts. "Intelligence."

"Ohhhhhhhhh... what was the A again?"

"Let's move on." Church turns back to Bell and Tucker.

"So..." Tucker starts. "The military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweat, down-home girl?"

"Oh, hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one." Tucker says sarcastically. "Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper."

"I kinda wish I was like her." Bell says.

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Tucker turns to her. "Why?"

"She's not scared of her own shadow."

Church turns to Caboose. "So how are you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?"

"I think so." Caboose says. "That guy Tex... is really a robot... and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot."

"Yeah... That's right... I'm a gay robot."

Cut to Grif and Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint.

Grif: So, you're a girl, huh?

Tex: ...

Simmons: Just ignore him, that's what I do.

Grif: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

Tex: Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Grif: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do? Punch me?

Tex leans in at Grif quickly. Grif flinches and steps back.

Grif: Ahh! Not in the face!

Cut to Church on Blue Base.

"Well don't worry." Church assures. "Because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex."

"A plan?' Tucker asks. "Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a mission statement?"

"We must save Tex, though." Bell says to Tucker.

"I just need you guys to run a distraction while I spring Tex." Church says to them.

"Distraction?" Caboose questions. "Heh... That sounds a lot like 'decoy.' "

"The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the three of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon wearing black armor while I sneak in the back of the base."

"Sounds good." Tucker says. "But Church, where the hell are we gonna get three suits of black armor?"

Church looks at the teleporter, then Tucker and Bell look at it too.

Tucker looks back at Church. "...Oh fuckberries..."

"That stuff hard to clean off armor." Bell says.

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01-24-2023

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