Chapter 2: Red Gets a Delivery

Pan out on Grif and Simmons, who are approaching Sarge, a soldier in standard issue red armor.

Sarge: Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.

Simmons: Ice cream social?

Simmons and Grif exchange looks.

Cut to Sarge.

Sarge: Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge: (Sarcastically) That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!

Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

Simmons: Oh I'd do it, too.

Sarge: I know you would, Simmons. Good man. (brief pause) Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Grif: Crap. We're getting a rookie.

Sarge: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command.

Grif and Simmons exchange looks again.

Sarge turns towards a hill behind them.

Sarge: Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

A large, armor-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Lopez in the driver seat, who pulls up along side the Reds.

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: Shotgun! (realizes he is too late) Fuck.

Sarge: May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.

Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it.

Sarge: It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

Cut to Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?

Cut to Sarge.

Sarge: Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Cut to Grif.

Grif: I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

Sarge: (after a brief pause) Say that again.

Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma?

Simmons: Uh, you mean like the shoe company?

Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge: You're making that up.

Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons: Yes, sir!

Sarge: (pointing at the front of the Warthog) Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

Cut to Grif.

Grif: A walrus.

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Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

Up to the cliff with the three blues.

"What is that thing?" Tucker asks.

"I don't know." Church says.

"It looks like a large car." Bell says. 

"We better get back to base and report it." Church states.

"A car?" Tucker asks. "How come they get a car?"

"What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop."

"I'd rather have a car, tanks are very dangerous." Bell says.

"What are you talking about?" Church asks her. "Tanks are much safer than cars, I mean, heave you ever heard of tank crashing into another tank; I haven't."

"But what about friendly fire, not to mention tanks are kinda big and scary."

"You worry to much, Bell. And we don't have to worry about friendly fire, I'm sure we'll get a very good driver for that thing."

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank." Tucker mutters in disappointment. 

Church hears Tucker and he groans. "Oh, you know what?" He turns to Tucker. "You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?"

"I'm a girl." Bell quietly says.

"And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?"

Tucker looks back out to the reds. "What kind of car is it?"

Church aims his sniper rifle out at the reds. "I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uhhh... like a big cat of some kind."

"...What, like a puma?"

"Yeah man, there you go."

"Big cats are very scary." Bell with nervousness in her tone.

"Oh, grow a pair, Bell." Church groans.

"But, I'm a girl..." 

Cut to Red Team.

Sarge: So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

Grif: No, sir. No more suggestions.

Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

Grif: It's okay.

Sarge: Unicorn?

Grif: No really. Uh, I'm cool.

Sarge: Sasquatch?

Simmons: Leprechaun?

Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

Sarge: Phoenix?

Grif: (sighs) Christ.

Fade to black.

Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.

Sarge: Hey Grif, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.

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01-20-2023

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