Chapter 3: The Rookies

Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armor (Donut) is walking up the ramp behind them.

Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Grif: Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

Donut: Excuse me, uh, sirs.

Grif: Sirs? (turns to Donut) Ah crap.

Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.

Simmons: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge) "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."

Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?

Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut: This IS the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: (looks at Simmons) Well, he's wearing red armor.

Simmons: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Church, Tucker, Bell, and a soldier in standard issue blue (Caboose) are looking at a tank.

Caboose is telling a story. "So I say to the guy, 'How are you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes... 'I'll just put it on the ship.' And I go... 'If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"

Tucker turns to Caboose. "Hey, kid?"

"Yeah?"

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up."

"Oh. Okay. You got it, man."

Bell turns to Tucker. "That was mean, Tucker. I liked Caboose's story."

"Someone acknowledges my great story telling abilities." Caboose says.

Tucker just stares at Bell and she turns back to the tank. "Sorry." She apologies. 

"You know what?" Church asks the group. "I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing."

"Please don't." Bell says in panic.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

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Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut: Absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Grif: Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

Donut: The what?

Simmons: He means the Warthog.

Grif: You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?

Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

Donut starts running across the base.

Grif: Other way.

Donut turns around and goes the other way.

Donut: I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.

Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch.

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I say... at least a week.

Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself.

Donut: Elbow grease... How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.

Cut to the Blues.

"You know what?" Tucker asks. "Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece."

"Oh man, listen to you!" Church says. "What are you going to do with two chicks?"

"Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets."

"That's very disgusting Tucker." Bell says in disgust. "Please never flirt with me."

Tucker turns to Bell. "Ehhh, you're not really my type, besides, I see you more of a sister."

"I don't know whether to be happy about that, or absolutely disgusted." Bell mutters.

Cut to Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Donut approaches Blue Base.

Donut: Finally, there it is. ...Oh sweet! They sell tanks!

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01-21-2023

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