Chapter 22: Red vs. Bleu

The Reds and Blues are not shooting at each other. Sarge is addressing Church.

Sarge: We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Grif: There's no way this bluff is gonna work.

Sarge: Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.

Cut to the Blues.

"Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo." Church says and then he yells to Sarge. "What're your terms?!"

"Their what?" Tucker asks.

Cut to the Reds.

Grif: Our what?

Simmons: I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.

Grif: Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.

Donut: Oo oo, Sarge - tell them we want the flag.

Grif: Yeah, and some cake!

Donut: Ooh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.

Sarge: Alright, Blues! First off! We want your flag-!

Simmons: Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.

Sarge: ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!

Church: Uh oh.

Sarge: You may know him as Señor El Roboto!

Cut to the Blues.

"Well, Church, what's it gonna be?" Tucker asks.

"If it makes them go away, I say we give them the body back." Bell says.

Church turns to Tucker and Bell. "Chingado! No way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing."

Sarge yells to them. "And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!"

Church yells back. "Uh... Uh, he's not here any more!"

"Yeah, he left!" Tucker yells. "He was like 'Sayonara!' and then he just took off!"

"That's not Spanish, you idiot. That's French." Church says.

"It's actually Japanese." Bell states.

"Shut up, Bell." 

"Sorry."

Church looks back to the Reds. "Hey, Reds! How about a medic? Would you take a medic as a hostage?"

"A hostage?" Doc questions. "But I'm supposed to go over there."

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.

Grif: I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.

Simmons: We don't have any bullets, dumbass.

Grif: Oh, right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.

Cut to the Blues.

Church turns to the Doc. "Hey, Doc. How's the patient?" 

"Doing well." Doc states. "He seems very alert and responsive."

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"I'm glad he's okay." Bell says in relief. 

"He's talking about Caboose, right?" Tucker asks Church.

"No, I mean his toe." Church informs Doc. "How's the toe I shot?"

"What, that thing?" Doc asks. "That fell off like an hour ago."

"Rest in peace, pinkie toe." Caboose says in a sad tone, then he speaks in O'Malley's voice. "You shall be avenged!"

Bell turns to Church. "You're so mean, Church!"

"Oh, grow a pair, Bell." Church says.

But, I'm a girl."

Doc sighs. "Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help."

Church turns to the Reds and yells. "Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?"

"You?!" Simmons yells in question. "You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!"

"We've already got that!" Tucker yells. "What else do you have?!"

"What do you want?!" Sarge yells.

"How about if you admit that Red Team sucks?!" Church yells.

The Reds mutter to themselves for a moment.

"What if we admit that one of us sucks?" Sarge asks.

"Nice!" Grif says. "Wait, you mean Donut, right?"

"Okay, then!" Church starts. "We agree to the terms? You first, then we send over the medic!"

"This is kinda harsh." Bell mutters.

"Get on with it, Grif." Sarge orders.

Grif is in the middle of the two groups and he lets out a grunting sigh. "I would just like to let everyone know that I suck!"

"And?" Church says.

"And that I'm a girl."

"What else?"

"And I like ribbons in my hair. And I want to kiss all the boys."

"I feel slightly offended." Bell says.

Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

Simmons: Okay, is that good enough?!

Church: Yeah! (turns to Doc) Alright, go ahead Doc.

Doc runs over to the Reds.

Grif: Man, I really hope you're worth this.

Doc: Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?

Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

Doc: No water.. Then what do you drink?

Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or a Sarsaparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a piña colada. (singing) If you like piña coladas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not into yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.

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01-26-2023

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