Chapter 23: The Joy of Toggling

Camera pans down to Doc and Grif talking outside Red Base.

Doc: So he was shot in the head...

Grif: Right.

Doc: ...and you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head.

Grif: Exactly.

Doc: Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment.

Grif: That's what I said.

Doc: Oh yeah, people often overlook alternative methods of care. Like that Blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine.

Grif: Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Sarge is wrong.

Sarge: Grif! Yer supposed to be watching the prisoner, not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!

Grif: Come on Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

Simmons: Oh, well you two will be great friends then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

Grif: Hey thanks, kiss-ass. If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you.

Donut: Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.

Simmons: Oh shut up, your armor's pink.

Doc: Uh, hey, guys? I-I just want everybody to know that Grif and I aren't, uh, technically friends.. uh, we're just talking. That's it. (to Grif) Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

Grif: ...

Doc: It's only because no one likes you.

Grif: ...

Doc: Stop staring at me.

Camera zooms through the gulch, revealing Sheila still in the middle of it, then ends on Church,Bell, and Tucker behind Blue Base.

"Hey Church, if your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?" Tucker asks.

"That does make sense." Bell says.

"Huh. Well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess." Church says and he clears his throat. "Alright. Stand back." Tucker and Bell back up. "Huhrur...! Heeeungh...! Hoom....!"

Bell turns to Tucker. "Is he trying to take a poop?"

"Maybe." Tucker says, then he turns back to Church. "Anything?"

Church stops making sounds. "Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be."

"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere?"

"See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here." Church then starts making weird noises. "Oh, hey!"

"Find it?" Bell asks.

"Nah, no wait." Church says in disappointment. "All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way."

"Oh, it's nice out," Bell says.

"What?" Tucker is confused. "It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing." As Tucker talks, Caboose passes through the entrance of the base.

"He means Celsius, Tucker." Bell says.

"Oh, come on, dude, Celsius sucks." Tucker bends down and finds a switch in Church's crotch area.

"Hey, I found something." Tucker says.

"Oh, yeah?" Church says. "You found a button?"

Bell bends down and finds the switch. "It's a switch."

Tucker and Bell stand back up.

"Well, give it a flip." Church says.

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"That's inappropriate to ask a lady, Church." Bell says.

"And I don't wanna flip it." Tucker states.

"What's the problem?" Church asks.

"It's in a weird place."

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me."

"You flip it."

"These arms aren't that flexible." Church states. "I can't even reach down there."

"What about Caboose?" Tucker asks.

"Oh man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch."

"That's mean, Church." Bell says.

"Shut up, Bell." Church says.

"Sorry."

"Oh, man." Tucker whines. "Bell, flip it."

"N-NO!" She yells. "I-I don't want too, and you're a better.... switch flipper than me!"

"Switch flipper?"

"S-Sorry, I couldn't come up with anything."

"Tucker, just flip it for her." Church says. "We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner."

Tucker quickly bends down and tries to flip the switch. "It won't move, it's stuck."

"Did you try wiggling it?"

"No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle."

"Oh, stop being a baby." Church says. "Just wiggle it." Tucker kneels back down. "... So, you from around here, baby?"

"I'm leaving." Bell walks away. "I'm gonna find some birds to take pictures off."

Tucker stands back up. "Okay, look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that."

Church: Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

Tucker: I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

Church: You obviously did not know Tex that well.

Tucker kneels back down and flips the switch and a beeping noise starts.

Tucker: There! Anything?

Church: Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?

Cut to the Reds.

Sarge: Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?

The same beeping starts fading in, approaching the same volume.

Simmons: Well, we have to get him away from Grif, because ...yeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him.

Donut: How 'bout we, um, let him trade armor with uh, one of us? That would show him.

The Warthog's headlights flash in time with the beeping

Warthog: (voice is warbled and slurred) Warthog online. (the headlights flash once and remain on, and the voice is now up to speed) Homing beacon activated.

Donut: Sarge, d-d-did the car just talk?

Sarge: Uh oh.

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01-26-2023

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