Chapter 30: I Dream of Meanie

The Blue are standing around each other, staring at Tex, who just took over Lopez's body.

"Get out of my body right now, Tex!" Church orders.

"Your body?" Tex asks. "This isn't your body. I stole it."

"Stealing isn't nice." Bell says.

Tex turns to Bell. "Bell, can you do me a favor, and please shut up for a few minutes."

"Yes, ma'am, sorry ma'am."

"I stole it first!" Church states.

Tex turns back to Church.

"I am confused." Sheila says. "I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it!"

"You go girl!" Bell cheers.

Caboose then speaks in his O'Malley voice. "I know how to get her out of there." He aims his pistol at Tex and she looks at him. "Wink."

"Caboose, don't." Church orders. "Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?" Caboose walks off. "Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?"

Tex goes on to explain. "Well, ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot."

"Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time?" Tucker asks.

"Like, even when we're alone?" Tucker asks.

"Yes, Tucker, and you should be VERY ashamed of yourself." Tex says.

Tucker looks down. "It's very lonely out here."

"Don't I know that." Bell mutters.

"And Bell-" Tex calls her name out and she whimpers. "You need to stop be submissive and grow a pair."

"But, I'm a girl." Bell sighs.

"Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose."

"A change?" Church asks. "Like what? He's finally learned the whole alphabet?"

"You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?" Tex asks.

"I have!" Tucker steps up. "Started about the same time Sheila got disabled and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church, but he never listens. And Bell just thinks I'm trying to be mean."

"Tucker," Church turns to him. "There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

Fade to black, then to a grayscale flashback that Tex narrates.

Tex: (voiceover) I had just finished repairing the tank when I overheard Church's plan to warn the Reds about me.

Church: (in the flashback with a faint echo) I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do. I gotta warn the Reds.

Tex: From what I could tell, (fade to black, then to the present) the A.I. calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results. (fade to a grayscale flashback) Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took it's chance.

Caboose: (in flashback, echoing) Calling Private Church. Come in, Church.

Fade to the present.

"And that's when he said his name was O'Malley." Tucker says. "So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?"

"Right, everyone's armor has one slot for A.I." Church informs. "And Caboose's would've been vacant."

"Oh, I hope it doesn't infect me." Bell says in a worried tone.

"I think there are a few of his non-artificial slots that are empty, too." Tucker says.

Fade to grayscale flashback.

Tex: And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch hit with a really lucky shot! (in flashback, echoing) Ah crap! (fades to the present) And the next thing I know.. I'm a ghost.

Church: Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your A.I. back, right?

Tex: Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.

Cut to the top of Red Base. Simmons, Grif, and Donut are lined up watching Sarge.

Sarge: Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here wants to volunteer?

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Donut: Are we going on a trip? I love trips! Can we play I Spy and license plate games?

Grif: Shut up, Donut!

Donut: Please!

Simmons: Uh, sir-

Donut: -or Punch Buggy?

Grif: Why won't this guy shut up?

Donut: Or-or alphabet with the signs game?

Simmons: What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

Sarge: Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

Simmons: (at the same time as Grif) Have you gone crazy? What the hell?

Grif: (at the same time as Simmons) Wh-What!? That is the stupidest idea I ever heard.

Donut: Cool! I vote for Simmons!

Sarge: I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure really. (Simmons and Grif say something indecipherable) Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.

Grif: (in the background) I'm confused.

Sarge: If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

Simmons: Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?

Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. But no, I like the removing the guts thing so I think we stick with that.

Grif: Yeah, sir, I hate to agree with the kiss-ass, but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?

Sarge: Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust.

Camera pans from Donut and Grif to Simmons.

Simmons: Aw, fuck me!

Sarge: Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us.

Everyone looks at Donut.

Donut: Hey, pink suit, guys! I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!

Sarge: Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.

Fade to black.

Simmons: Ugh, you backstabbing ass monkeys.

Sarge: Now, Grif, I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation. Two quarts of vodka-

Grif: Check.

Sarge: Eight pounds of Vaseline, condensed.

Grif: Check.

Sarge: An old tire iron, preferably metric.

Grif: Y-You know, I might have left that in the bathroom.

Sarge: The latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly.

Grif: I'll have to check.

Sarge: Check, you mean we have it?

Grif: Check. What no, not check, I mean I'll have to check. Look, we don't have it.

Sarge: C'mon, make sense! I don't have all day! I gotta gut this fish!

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02-06-2023

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