Chapter 32: Me, Myself and You

(Sorry for the wait, I had to focus on my Helluva Boss story for a little bit. Go check it out.)

Church and Tex inside Caboose's head, with mental images of Caboose and Tucker

Caboose: I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

Church: The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Mental image of Church appears behind Caboose

Mental image of Church: Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douche bag fuck?!

Church: Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

Mental image of Church: My name is Church, butt wiping ass munch!

Church: (whispering to Tex) This guy is kind of an asshole.

Tex: Yeah, we've met.

Mental image of Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip licking fuck suck!

Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like.

Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls! (he leaves)

Church: Fine, whatever.

Then Mental Bell runs up. "Hello, new friends!" She speaks in a British accent. "I have lots of friends, even though many are mean to me, they're still my friends. Do you have lots of friends, Caboose is one of my best friends, do you have a best friend?"

Church groans. "She doesn't shut up! This Bell is worse than the original! Also she's french Canadian, not British!"

"Church, play nice." Tex says.

Caboose: If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

Church: The reds? The reds are in here?

Cut to the real world. Grif and Donut next to the sideways jeep

Grif: Are you sure you left the part in there?

Donut: Hmm, think so. Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait. Mmmmmmmmm, I think so.

Grif: (sighs) Alright, lets retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?

Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

Grif: Oh God!

Cut to Lopez and Bell as well as Tucker driving Sheila heading towards the red base.

"Okay, well, looks like we're close enough." Tucker states. "Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing." He looks around in the cockpit. "Ah, it must be this button."

"Do not touch that button." Sheila says in a threatening tone. 

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"Oh, sorry." Tucker hums. "Maybe it's this one!"

"Do not touch me."

"You know, for a girl your size, you're kinda sensitive." 

"T-That's mean Tucker." Bell stutters a little in fear. 

Back to the reds

Grif: I cannot take anymore of this.

Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

Grif: That's it! I'm committing suicide. (he runs off)

Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

Grif: (stops and looks off into the distance) Oh crap!

Pan to Lopez, Sheila, Bell, and Tucker approaching'. Grif quickly takes cover behind the jeep

Donut: Hey you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting! (makes creeped out noises)

Grif: Not now, rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!

Donut: What?! (he hops up and down to see over the jeep and sees Sheila approaching) Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out! (he runs around in circles)

Cut to the blues approaching

"Oh my God." Tucker whines. "I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not!"

"Use the throttle." Bell speaks up.

"What throttle? This throttle?" Tucker asks.

"Retard the controller." Shelia says.

"You mean this thing? What're you talking about, I'm so confused!"

"The controller, retard!" Sheila yells.

"Hey that's kinda insulting." Tucker says and Sheila repeats the word "retard" over and over as they approach Red base. "Oh, come on. Now you're just being mean."

"...Retard." 

"Shelia please be nice." Bell says.

"Yes, Miss Bell." Shelia replies.

"Thank you!"

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02-15-2023

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