Chapter 4: ss - 2.3

These were the words that escaped from her mouth when she was told of her engagement.

I felt the blood rush down my body to my feet. Why, I couldn’t say.

I stared at her face, which had turned upside down.

I thought I was wishing her happiness.

Maybe I was just being selfish.

“I can’t have children, you know. I can’t have children. Marrying me would be a pity for you…”

The young lady shrank back, looking as if she was about to cry.

Her words about not wanting to get married were more out of concern for me than anything else.

Children were a symbol of happiness and prosperity. No matter whether you were a noble or a commoner, most people rejoiced in the birth of a child.

But it was different. How could I convey this to her?

She said, “I don’t want a child if I have to make you look like that.”

“I care for you so much. So I don’t want you to have an unhappy marriage.”

“If My Lady is happy, I am happy.”

These were the words I had repeated over and over again. Over and over again.

I was sure she’d believe me when I said that. She must have believed me.

The two of us were now a man and a woman who will soon be engaged.

Even so, our distance from each other and the way we treated each other has not changed, but I have noticed that our eyes sometimes do not meet.

I guess she has her own thoughts.

I pretended not to notice it, and went about my daily work, which was becoming more and more demanding. When I hadn’t talked to the young lady for days, my mind was filled with thoughts of her.

I wonder if she was eating properly. I wonder if she’s worried about anything. I wondered if she was annoying Dana with her mischievous behavior. I wonder if she’s getting sick.

I finally found the time – forced by the Master – to rush to My Lady’s place to practice the dance I had promised Dana.

When she saw my face, she beamed, and when she heard it was dance practice, her shoulders slumped, but she looked the same as usual.

The waltz that I danced to Dana’s clapping hands was worse than ever.

I looked into her face as she stepped. I wondered what kind of expression she had on her face. I wondered if she was impatient or upset.

I forced myself to take a break, asked Dana for a hot drink, and watched her carefully.

When there was a big change in the environment, the young lady tended to get sick. She says she’s fine, but she may be starting to have a small ailment that she was not aware of.

I took a few sips of water and looked down at the young lady when I felt her eyes on me. There was a faint hint of anxiety in her eyes.

“…Hey Stanley.”

“Yes.”

Looking a little nervous, she swallowed a few words before opening her mouth.

“Are you going to kiss me?”

Her eyes widened.

I wondered if she was referring to the way I kissed the back of her hand when I asked her to dance.

No, I’m sure not.

She cocked her head, her ears slightly red, and continued.

“But if we become husband and wife, we will kiss each other, right? If you marry me, will you, will you kiss me?”

Apparently, she was talking about after we became husband and wife. After she married into the Arliss family, yes, she will become my wife.

I blinked repeatedly.

That.

Something like that.

Of course I will.

We’re going to be husband and wife. That’s what a married couple is supposed to do, I realize.

Even so, as a man, I have my desires. If we get married, if she becomes my wife, I will kiss her lips.

Those soft lips.

I stared at her and felt a cold sweat break out all over my body.

No, no, no. I can’t go any further.

What was I about to imagine now? That’s not allowed now.

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We have to end this topic as soon as possible. I put on a deceptive smile.

“What is it, My Lady? You can ask me that at…”

I wondered if I’m smiling as well as I usually do. I wondered if she could tell I was upset.

She must have realized that I was trying to evade the question. She pouted her lips in a sulk, then turned her head slightly.

“I was wondering if you were planning to marry me as an extension of your work or as a way of repaying your father. I can’t have children, so I don’t need to, you know, kiss you or… anything like that, do I?”

The last part was in a fading little voice, and she turned over completely when she finished.

“If this marriage is nothing more than your work, I intend to do the same, so…”

“I will kiss you.”

I sounded a little angry. No, actually angry. I shook her body and she looked up at me, a little frightened.

Work, returning the favor- I had no intention of doing that at all.

I just wanted her to smile, and I wanted her to have a life without any worries.

I just wanted her to be happy.

“When you become my wife, I will kiss you on the lips.”

I put my hands on the bench. Our faces were close together, and she froze all over.

“We’ll sleep in the same bed. We’ll be husband and wife.”

I would take my lips, kiss her white neck, and touch her slender body. And then-

An ugly desire arose from the depths of my stomach.

If this person becomes my wife…

“Yes…”

I came back to myself at the sound of her trembling voice.

I didn’t mean to frighten her. I looked away so that she couldn’t see the lust in my body.

“But for now, I am still Count Chamberlain’s squire. It would be outrageous for me to look insolently at the Lord’s son and daughter. Please do not test me too much.”

If this was her usual game, it’s a little bad.

But she shook her head as if in a panic.

No,” she said. “I wasn’t testing you, and I wasn’t teasing you.”

She mumbled, but she couldn’t seem to find the words.

She grabbed the glass I was still holding and drank it down in one gulp.

Even the reddish crimson of the glass that was put back in my hand was now disturbing and confusing me.

“Because you’ve always looked so fine. I’m kind of self-conscious about it, and I can’t seem to be normal.”

“…Self-conscious?”

“Ever since I decided to marry you, I’ve been kind of nervous around you. I’m going through all this, and you’re still the same… so I’m thinking… you don’t see me as a woman at all.”

I certainly hadn’t seen her. She was young and frail, someone to be protected. But that was in the past tense. Past tense.

“Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed… I’ve never been like this before.”

She turned her face away sulkily, red up to her ears, and touched her face and hair restlessly.

I was just baffled by the expression on her face, which had begun to change.

I failed to speak to her. I didn’t know what to say.

Just then, Dana came back with a maid. I could see her face relax in relief.

“Let’s not do this, Stanley. We’re done talking about this, forget it.”

It was so easy for her to say, “Forget it.”

I didn’t want to find out.

The young lady is to be married to Arliss. To me, an Arliss. Yes, my wife. I didn’t want to notice such an obvious thing.

When did my small, delicate and frail young lady grow so tall? When did she become so soft and feminine? When did she develop such a mature expression on her face?

Her round light blue eyes stared at me.

She looked a little sulky and uncomfortable, but stared straight at me, and I held out my hand.

Her hand felt cool, probably because it’s hot and sweaty.

I felt my body almost jump at the soft hand that squeezed me tightly. To cover it up, I squeezed her hand back tightly, putting on a face of nothingness.

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