Chapter 24: 24.1: Procrastination

Things had gotten a lot less tense around the apartment ever since AJ and Maggie had their ‘moment of revelation’ a week ago. There hadn’t been a single argument, outburst, or complaint from either of them since. Consequently, things had gotten relatively dull and monotonous from Joe’s perspective. It seemed rather ungrateful and entitled of him to grow bored of his cushy lifestyle, but that wasn’t the case. He had simply gotten used to things going topsy-turvy every now and then. Figuring he ought to shake things up a bit, he invited his best mates over for a chat and some drinks, after which they would partake in the time-honored tradition of shouting obscenities at the telly after.

As a result of that decision, Joe, Cullen, and Benny found themselves parked around the tea table in the middle of the sitting room. The host was sporting an uncomfortable grimace while his two guests stared at him with uncharacteristic intensity. The cause for this serious and tense atmosphere was a question Benny had just asked, and that Cullen also wanted to know the answer to. Joe, however, had some reservations about spilling the beans. He clearly wasn’t comfortable discussing the subject, but he hadn’t refused to talk about it outright. He was hesitating, which Benny took to mean that he’d cave with a bit more pushing.

“C’mon, Joe. We have to know,” he insisted.

“Why from me, though?” the man argued. “Can’t you look it up online or visit some message boards?”

“You can’t trust those trolls, man,” Cullen retorted. “People make up the craziest shite for attention. That’s how it’s always been. Even legit-looking articles turn out to be just elaborate advertisements for some weird cream or pointless gadget most of the time.”

“But you, we know you,” Benny took over. “You’re not the kind of devious twat that would pull our legs on this one.”

“Yeah, no, I get that. It’s just- it’s a very personal thing, and talking about it is embarrassing.”

“Come off it. Since when did you start worrying about making a fool of yourself?”

“It’s not just me, Benny. Maggie’s a part of it too.”

“Oh, she won’t mind. Mags loves sharing stuff, often without being asked.”

“Then why don’t you ask her?”

“‘Cuz, well, then it’d be embarrassing for us.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Cullen chimed in. “Besides, you kinda owe us. You and her have done stuff that daft tossers like me and Benny are never gonna get to experience!”

“Ah, don’t be like that. I’m sure you can do it too, someday,” Joe tried to be encouraging.

“No, we really can’t. Not like this. You’re the jammiest dodger this side of Bigger Ben.”

“Wait, are you jealous?”

“Pft. Nah,” Cullen brushed that insinuation off. “The word is ‘envious,’ mate. That’s what we are. Like, you wouldn’t believe how much.”

“Don’t get us wrong, we’re happy for you and Mags,” Benny reassured Joe. “It’s just that, y’know, you went and got a head start on us out of nowhere. That kinda hurts, man. Least you could do is give us some details.”

“… You won’t go around sharing this online or anything, right?”

“Of course not. Won’t tell a soul, swear on me mum!” the baldie declared.

“Same here. Swear on me mum,” Cullen parroted the ‘oath.’

The two of them were piling it on thick. It wasn’t as if they had planned to corner Joe like this when they came over to Maggie’s place for a pint, but the alcohol had brought out their ugly sides. Peer-pressuring Joe like that was rude and manipulative, but it was working. The man wavered visibly, glanced around the room, and then ultimately gave up with a sigh. He sat back and vigorously rubbed his eyes with his palms, no doubt admonishing himself for what he was about to say.

“Alright. I’ll tell you, but just so you know - it’s gonna be kinda gross.”

“We don’t care, man. Just lay it on us,” Cullen urged him.

“Yeah. How bad can it be?”

Joe sighed one last time, rolled his eyes as if to say ‘here we go,’ and finally let his thoughts spew forth.

"Okay. Let's say you drink too much tea during the day and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. However, it's cold outside your bed. You don't want to go, but the urge to pee gets stronger and stronger. Eventually you make your mind up and go. You run to the bathroom, stand in front of the john, and let loose! You feel that blissful release, and all is well with the world. But then you realize - this isn't the bathroom. You're still under the covers! A feeling of lukewarm wetness spreads between your thighs, yet you don't stop. You can't stop! That's what I'm talking about! That's what owning a real house is like! Understand?!”

Benny and Cullen nodded slowly with contemplative looks on their faces. They weren’t making fun of Joe. Just the opposite. His colorful description and down-to-earth point of view resonated with them on a deeper level. They all had dreams of living in a swanky residence with actual rooms and furniture, but only Joe knew what it was really like. Hearing him talk about it had been both enlightening and inspiring, and his two friends suddenly felt like giving it their all to become homeowners themselves. They too wanted to experience that level of coziness, to know what it was like to wet themselves because they didn’t want to leave the bed. It was the sort of thing that was reserved only for those who succeeded in life.

There was, however, someone who didn’t seem to share that sentiment.

“By the Queen, you lads are disgusting.”

The trio’s heads whipped around to stare at the room’s only entrance to find a ginger-haired woman in combat fatigues shaking her head in profound disapproval. Agent Johanson happened to be walking past the open door just as Joe had started his little speech. Somewhat curious as to what was going on, she stuck around and listened to it from the hallway. She was slightly regretting that decision, but the faint smile on her face showed the nonsensical anecdote had been entertaining nonetheless.

“Hey, AJ,” Joe waved at her without missing a beat. “Wanna join us for a pint?”

“Mmm… Sure, why not. I can take a break from my assignment while You-Know-Who is still out of it.”

Her current task was to assemble a spaceship model inside a bottle without using her hands, which called for some very precise and very persistent telekinesis. Given how she normally used her mental abilities to bowl over bad guys and bust through bulkheads, AJ struggled with the delicate task quite a bit. Still, it was way better than that maddeningly exhausting ‘Quest for the Maggie Stone,’ as Joe humorously called it. Plus, it was the first task she’d been given that was clearly intended to improve her psionics. She’d already obtained a method of bolstering her output, which meant she just needed to work on her fine control. Though she was far from done, the progress she’d made served to bolster her mood and her confidence quite a bit.

“Wow. You’re way less stressed out than the last time we came over,” Benny remarked. “Uh, no offense.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Joe chuckled. “I still think she needs to relax more, but at least she isn’t just prowling around the place and ruining the mood.”

“Oy! I’m right here, you know,” the woman grumbled as she took a seat.

“Haha, sorry, sorry. Didn’t mean nothing by it,” he laughed merrily as he poured her a drink.

“So, why do you even live here?” Cullen suddenly questioned her. “Like, are you a tenant or a friend of a relative or something?”

Joe’s friends had met the lady soldier before. They first encountered her a few weeks ago, when they were invited over to check out the guy’s new living space in an impromptu housewarming party. Back then they were so overwhelmed by the place that they hadn’t bothered asking any questions. They’ve had a few visits since then, which made them feel more comfortable about inquiring about the residents’ circumstances.

“Well, uh…”

AJ hesitated since she wasn’t sure how much she could tell a bunch of civilians. She figured it was fine so long as she kept quiet about the cosmic entity stuff.

“I was assigned here to assist with Mags’ research. She’s been conducting some, uh, non-invasive experiments on me.”

“Huh… That’s cool. Weird, but cool,” the roly-poly guest nodded.

“Wait, so Mags is a doctor or a scientist or something?” Benny piped up.

“… Kind of? Honestly, I’m not too sure exactly what her job is.”

She’d never really given it much thought before. She was sure her official title was that of an ambassador or something along those lines, given the diplomatic status she was granted by the government. Saying that would give those two all the wrong impressions, however.

“I totally get what you mean,” Joe chimed in. “I tried looking at her contract like six times, but the thing makes my head spin. I think ‘scientist’ fits though, given all the brainwork she does.”

He could’ve said a lot more than that, of course, but he was also reluctant to spill the beans on Maggie’s true nature to his mates. Unlike AJ, his reasons for wanting to stay quiet had nothing to do with national security. ‘By the way, my girlfriend is an unfathomable cosmic entity from another reality’ wasn’t the sort of thing he could just dump on the guys. There was likely never going to be a good time to reveal that, so he low-key hoped he’d never have to. Maggie agreed with this sentiment and had promised to keep quiet about her origins around people not already in the know. She couldn’t lie, but she could keep a secret when necessary.

“Blimey. No wonder she’s so smart,” the bald one’s eyes went wide. “Makes me wonder how someone as thick as you managed to bag a brainy bird like that.”

“Bet they only started going out so Mags could study the man without a brain, eh?” Cullen said jokingly.

“Heh. Funny thing is, you’re not entirely wrong,” Joe admitted.

“‘Old on, now. So you guys dating is, like, an experiment?”

“Ehhh… a little bit. It started as one, but it’s gotten pretty serious lately.”

“Noice. What about you, AJ?” Cullen abruptly changed the subject.

“What about me?” she raised an eyebrow.

“What sort of experiments has Mags put you through? I mean, I don’t see a lab or anything like that around.”

“Oh, nothing that involves machinery or equipment. Things like chopping wood, writing poetry, drawing a monkey blindfolded, doing a handstand for thirteen hours straight…”

Her words trailed off as the topic dredged up memories that she sorely did not want to recall.

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“What’s the bloody point of those?”

“I’m still not quite sure myself…”

“I told you AJ,” Joe jumped in. “Maggie totally Myagi-ed you, just like in the Karate Chick.”

“The what?” she bluntly asked.

“Y’know, that movie series about birds beating the crap out of each other with martial arts?”

The soldier clearly had never heard of it, but that didn’t stop Cullen from latching onto the subject.

“Did you see the trailer for the new one, by the way?” he asked out of nowhere.

“They’re making another, are they?” Benn winced. “What is this, the fourth one?”

“Yeah, man. It’s called Karate Chick: Kung-Fowl Kercluckle.”

“Of course, it is.”

The relentless barrage of bird puns was the only reason anyone would ever have to watch that otherwise unremarkable series, so it wasn’t surprising they doubled down on it.

“Yo, you need to see the trailer for that. It’s pretty hype. They brought back Roost Lee, and they show him do this sick flippy scissors kick thing that’s like, hwacha!”

Cullen made an over-enthusiastic hand motion without considering the drink he was holding and ended up flinging his mug across the room. It flew towards a framed photo of the Milky Way that would no doubt get smashed to bits by the heavy glass. Fortunately it didn’t make it that far, as both the mug and the half-a-pint that spilled out of it froze in midair. There was a brief moment of panicked confusion until the tipsy trio remembered they had a psionic in their midst.

“Watch it, ya muppet,” AJ reprimanded Cullen. “Barely an hour here and you’re already trashing the place.”

She gestured at the floating mess with a finger, coaxing all the beer droplets back into their container. The thick glass then floated back into its owner’s grip, who just stared at it with mute amazement.

“That was sick!” Benny exclaimed. “Do it again!”

“Absolutely not. Next mug you catapult across the room is on you.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Cullen snapped back to his senses. “Just got a bit excited thinking about the trailer.”

“Pft,” she scoffed. “You seriously got that worked up over something that inane? What’s next, going to boast about that weird stick you found that one time in the park?”

“Oh, I’m sorry that I’m not intellectual enough for the Big Brained Princess of Power,” Cullen mocked her.

One could practically hear the snap of AJ’s neck as her head whipped towards Joe, who was snickering quietly.

“You promised not to tell anyone about that!”

“Sorry, but that was way too funny to keep to myself.”

“For what it’s worth I think it’s kind of cute.”

Benny made an attempt to diffuse the situation. Unfortunately, Joe didn’t pick up on that.

“That’s for sure. Maybe I should let Maloney in on it. I’m sure he’d get a kick out of it!” he kept teasing her.

“Don’t you fooken dare!” she warned him.

“Or what? It’s not like you can do anything with Maggie around.”

“But she’s not here right now, is she?” her lips curved into an evil smirk.

Were he completely sober, Joe might’ve realized a few seconds earlier that taunting the psionic was not a wise decision. Indeed, the lady of the house was currently out of commission as she was taking her bi-weekly six hour power nap. This meant that Joe couldn’t hide behind her like a little child going ‘neener-neener.’ By the time the folly of his words dawned upon him, AJ already had him pinned to the sofa in a headlock while Benny and Cullen cheered him on. There wasn’t any malice or anger involved, though. The impromptu wrestling match was just a bit of roughhousing between slightly inebriated friends, and they’d all laugh it off after a few minutes and another pint.

However, there was a certain something that wasn’t laughing.

*SKHREEEEOKH*

A high-pitched whine akin to metal grinding against metal reverberated through the apartment. Everyone in the room froze like statutes. They had only moments to ponder that horrific sound’s origins before it revealed itself… by bursting through the wall. It was a biomechanical monstrosity consisting of part-VR-pod, part-shoggoth. It propelled itself forward through a disgusting mass of semi-organic tentacles that had sprouted from its plastic shell like some nightmarish crab-creature. Its one unblinking eye instantly settled on AJ, who at that point in time still had Joe in a headlock.

“Ah, shite,” he grumbled.

There was an upside to developing a tolerance for these sorts of situations. Joe managed to keep his cool and realized what the pod-monster was so angry about. It had sensed that the person it was supposed to protect from harm was in a ‘fight’ and had come to his ‘rescue.’ He couldn’t have that thing hurting his friends over a misunderstanding, and he knew exactly what to do. He just had to slip out of the stunned soldier’s grip, get in that monster’s way, and calm it down. Though the idea seemed brave, stupid, or possibly both, it was actually neither. Joe just trusted Maggie to have made sure that her ‘pet’ knew not to stampede over the person it was supposed to protect. Whatever directives were guiding it would surely cause it to cease once it confirms no actual harm or malice was involved.

Unfortunately, the woman holding his head in place did not see things that way, nor did she slacken her grip in the slightest. She made a swatting gesture towards the possessed pod, flinging it out of the room through the hole it had made, eliciting another ungodly screech. AJ then roughly pushed Joe towards his flabbergasted guests. The man looked incredulously towards Agent Johanson just as her plasma pistol flew in from somewhere and landed in her open hand.

“Get down! This is gonna be messy!”

“Wait! Don’t!”

Joe tried to keep things from escalating, but the soldier couldn’t hear him. She was already in ‘work mode,’ her entire being focused on what appeared to be a rogue familiar. The creature came barreling into the room once more and was met with a trio of sky-blue bolts of glowing energy. The blobs of superheated plasma splashed against it, melting through metal, plastic, flesh, and furniture alike. The creature responded in typical shoggoth fashion, which was to shrug the shots off while charging forward with murderous intent.

The psi-ops was wholly unsurprised and completely unfazed. She put a few more shots into it as it drew closer, then blasted it away with her telekinesis once more. The monster slammed into the wall, screeching in pain and anger. It then displayed unnaturally high intelligence by grabbing what was left of an armchair and hurling it at the soldier. The Agent was forced to duck for cover, just barely avoiding a face-first collision with the weaponized piece of furniture. She scrambled to her feet and harnessed both her will and anger in preparation for the shoggoth’s next charge.

Except it wasn’t coming. The monster was frozen in place as if it were a statue. It was only then that Agent Johanson felt a strange yet familiar psychic presence. She was pretty sure about who and what that was, but glanced over to the initial hole just in case. Much as she expected, it was indeed Maggie. Or, most of her, at least. If the girl’s baggy pajamas and barely open eyelids were any indication, she was still in the process of waking up. Being half-asleep didn’t stop her from flaunting her supernatural abilities, though. She floated into the room as if an invisible hand was holding her up by the collar, her limbs dangling limply besides her. Her coiling locks had taken on an unnaturally dark hue dotted with several alien eyes that looked just as tired as the two on her yawning face.

“Jooooooe,” she groaned. “You said you’d chill in your pooood.”

“Oh. Uh, s-sorry, Maggie. I got really bored and a bit lonely, so I invited the guys over and things got a bit… rowdy.”

“Hrmmm, this won’t do,” she grumbled. “I’ll need to tweak the shoggoth’s programming.”

She gestured at the creature, prompting it to obediently go back to its spot in the games room. She then lazily glanced around the semi-demolished room, her eyesight pausing for a split second on every piece of destroyed furniture before settling on the two flabbergasted guests. She gave them a listless wave, which they stiffly returned on reflex. She then looked back to Joe with a face that screamed she was far too tired to deal with this mess right then and there.

“I don’t need to fix everything right now, do I?”

For the first time in its entire existence, Magh'rathlak the Observer wanted to put off doing something simply because it didn’t feel like it.

“What? Oh, no, it’s fine, we’ll just go down to the pub or something.”

“Agent Johanson, you are to accompany Joe and ensure his safety in my absence.”

That murder-pod had somewhat outlived its usefulness as a bodyguard. Mega-city Dave-156 was a lot safer than the events surrounding her arrival would indicate, especially since Maggie got the government on her side. Of course, there was still a minute chance that some horrible catastrophe could befall the couple, but realistically the biggest threat to Joe’s wellbeing was Joe himself. As such, AJ’s protection was deemed more than sufficient as far as Maggie’s obligations were concerned.

“You got it, boss-lady,” the woman nodded.

“Good. I’m going back to bed.”

“You got it, Maggie. Sorry again for the mess.”

“We should just synchronize our sleep cycles. There’s no point in having a bed that large if only one of us uses it at a time…”

The girl floated out of the room while mumbling thusly, making Joe’s chest ache with a fuzzy feeling of disbelief at how adorable she was when she was sleepy. AJ lightly elbowed him while jerking her head to the side, subtly reminding him that they still had a… situation to resolve. Benny and Cullen were still frozen in place, their faces plastered with a mix of fear, confusion, and awe. Joe and AJ looked at each other, unsure of what to do. The soldier had a few unsavory solutions in mind, but hesitated to enact any of them without being ordered to. The simple man, on the other hand, decided what to do almost instantly. He turned to his friends, shrugged, smiled, and without the tiniest bit of hesitation or shame said:

“Did I neglect to mention that my girlfriend is an unfathomable cosmic entity from another reality?”

There might never have been a good time to drop that bombshell on them, but this was the best opportunity he was going to get.

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