Chapter 25: Vacation

Joe inhaled sharply as he stirred awake, startled by the presence of a monstrous, squirming silhouette that his blurry eyesight barely made out in the dark room. His entire body jerked weirdly in shock, but he managed to keep himself from screaming. His distress vanished as quickly as a fleeting dream as the ominous shadow was revealed to be none other than Maggie’s head and the coiling locks that surrounded it. As per usual, the girl had awoken shortly before he did and quietly hovered over Joe, watching him sleep. It would be creepy if she wasn’t so darned cute, the man thought.

That aside, he wasn’t exactly thrilled about the rude awakening.

“Ugh… You need to stop doing that,” he grumbled.

“Doing what?” she innocently asked.

“Looming over me like that every morning. I get that it makes you happy, but having a mini heart attack every time I wake up isn’t fun.”

“I apologize. I will make an attempt to correct this habit.”

“Please do.”

He wasn’t quite sure why that had even become a thing. She’d started doing that a few days after she decided to ‘synchronize their sleep cycles,’ which was Maggienese for ‘go to bed together.’ Joe had no reservations about doing that, not after sharing a virtual reality pod with the girl for so long. Those first few weeks had eliminated any nervousness he might’ve had regarding physical proximity and skin contact, otherwise he’d never manage a wink of sleep while sharing a bed with someone as lovely as Maggie.

That was all fine and dandy, but Joe found himself a bit troubled all the same. Like any normal bloke, he wanted to indulge in other nighttime activities with the lovely girl at his side. The issue was that he had no idea how to broach the subject tactfully. Maggie wanted to experience all kinds of things at least once, so he had a feeling she’d agree to do the deed if he simply asked. The first time was more or less a ‘free pass,’ but would there be a second? Or a third? What if Joe’s performance was so lackluster that Maggie decided that she’d never want another go of it?

The solution was simple. Joe just had to make sure their first time was special, that it wasn’t just ‘a quickie before lunch’ or something. He felt there was a need to deepen their intimacy first, which was why he had taken a bit of initiative and suggested a special outing. Maggie liked the idea immensely and the necessary arrangements were made posthaste. She’d been actively looking forward to the trip, and today was the big day. She smiled ear to ear as she packed a few necessities into a small duffel bag. Her good attitude was positively infectious, causing Joe to float a goofy grin of his own.

He did notice one little detail about the girl’s preparations that he wasn’t quite sure about, though.

“Wait, you’re taking Azgod'Kalar?” he dubiously raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. Is there a reason I should not?”

“A few. Are you sure the resort allows pets?”

“… One moment.”

Maggie stared off into the distance beyond the horizon and Joe noticed her coiling locks wriggle with a bit more intensity for a few moments.

“Their policy states pets with no fur are allowed,” she declared.

“Alright, that’s good. But, like, snakes are cold-blooded, right? Will it be okay in that hot weather?”

“… You are aware that the term ‘cold-blooded’ is misleading in its nomenclature, yes?” her eyes narrowed.

“… What?”

“Cold-blooded. Adjective. Denoting animals whose body temperature varies with that of the environment, such as fish and reptiles.”

“Oh. Oh! No, I knew that. I meant like, isn’t it dangerous? It won’t overheat or anything?”

“Your concern is appreciated, but unnecessary. Orb pythons have been genetically engineered to be more resilient than their original genome. As such they are capable of withstanding temperatures of up to forty degrees Celsius, which is well above the twenty-nine degrees average of our destination.”

“That’s good. What about swimming? Can it swim?”

“Uncertain. However, even if it cannot, Azgod'Kalar will learn quickly. It has proven to be a most studious specimen indeed. Allow me to demonstrate.”

The girl raised her hand and gave a thumbs up. In response to this, her pet snake slithered out from behind her neck and onto her shoulder. It coiled the end of its little tail into a spring-like shape with the tip sticking up, then raised it slightly. It took Joe a few moments to realize that Azgod'Kalar was mimicking its owner’s gesture, in its own way. It was neat, but also had some confusing implications.

“You… taught a snake to do tricks?”

“Yes. Would you like to see more?”

“Uh, sure.”

Joe actually had something else to say, but Maggie was so enthusiastic and eager to show off the results of her pet’s training that he couldn’t say ‘no.’

“As you just saw, it can echo my approval or disapproval.”

She gave another thumbs up and then a thumbs down, both of which were mirrored as before.

“It can also help punctuate my repeated confusion at humanity’s irrationality.”

The girl put on a befuddled expression and tilted her head to the side, causing the snake to stand upward and twist its body into the shape of a question mark.

“Lastly, I have taught it an alternative albeit suboptimal method of transport.”

She picked the little serpent up in her palm and raised it above her head, then did a swirling motion with the fingers on her other hand. Azgod'Kalar then clamped onto the tip of its tail with its mouth and flexed its tiny muscles in such a way that it momentarily became a wheel. It rolled down the length of Maggie’s arm until it gently smacked against her cheek and collapsed into a small pile on her shoulder. The girl beamed and rewarded the little guy by gently stroking the length of its spine. Azgod'Kalar seemed to enjoy this, given how its body lost all tension and dangled from her shoulder like a wet noodle.

Joe was quite impressed, to the point where he completely forgot to ask whether snakes were capable of learning tricks in the first place.

With both of them up and about, the couple finished packing and made their way towards the train station. Their destination lay on the other end of a three-hour-long ride on the tube. Joe immediately plugged himself into the onboard entertainment suite while Maggie silently scanned the scenery they sped past, same as last time. Unlike her visit to mega-city Dave-157, however, this particular trip proved far more enlightening and entertaining for the girl. The latter half of the supersonic train’s route took her through a vast tropical jungle that was as of yet untouched by the ceaseless march of industry. It practically overflowed with life, providing the girl with an opportunity to observe the planet’s flora and fauna in their natural habitat.

What there was to see admittedly wasn’t anything to write home about. Butterpond-4 was a life-sustaining planet, but had never developed its own ecosystem. When British colonists first arrived they populated it with Earth-based organisms as part of their terraforming efforts. Most people would consider such plants and animals mundane and boring, but Maggie wasn’t ‘most people.’ She hadn’t gotten the chance to study humanity’s homeworld in depth, so the transplanted flora and fauna was of interest to her all the same. If anything, she got a little bit too interested. She considered performing some mild sabotage so the tube-train would make an emergency stop, giving her more time to take in all the wildlife. Thankfully she dropped that idea almost immediately. She could always come back at a later date to study the overgrown region in depth, so satisfying her curiosity then and there wasn’t worth the delay it would cause to her and Joe’s plans.

Indeed, as fun as it was to put nature under a microscope, that wasn’t the purpose of this outing. The couple were going to spend the next few days at Amelia-10, a massive resort that spanned about a hundred and thirty kilometers of beach. It was an insanely popular tourist spot for the entire Butterpond system, making it borderline impossible to secure a reservation within the next six months. Thankfully the ‘diplomatic status’ attached to Maggie’s citizenship afforded her the use of hotel rooms reserved for visiting foreign dignitaries. All on the government’s bill, of course.

Hotel rooms were none of the couple’s concerns, though. They made a mad dash for the beach the instant they were off the train. Well, figuratively speaking. The train station was nowhere near the ocean, to the point where no amount of running would feasibly get them there. They still rushed to the taxi stand, though. It wasn’t long before they were treated to a seemingly endless expanse of golden sand and shimmering, crystal clear water. The couple found some changing rooms and slipped into their swimwear. In Maggie’s case, she proudly touted the black and red string-tied bikini Joe had helped her pick out. The man simply donned some baggy sea-wave-patterned swim trunks and a white T-shirt. He was a bit worried about catching too much sun, and with good reason. Natural light was an extremely rare occurrence within the middle and lower layers of mega-cities like Dave-156.

However, as Joe stepped onto the beach itself, he was confronted with another, much more personal issue. Namely the fact that everyone on the beach looked like he’d jumped out of a movie. The women were gorgeous, well-proportioned, and sported fancy swimwear that probably cost more than a ten-year-long Spaceflix subscription. None of them could hold a candle to Maggie’s loveliness, of course. The men were what really bothered Joe. They were all tall, tan-skinned, handsome, and fit hunks. The bloke looked like a pile of sticks and rags pretending to be a man when compared to them. He felt more than a little out of place, but he refused to let that bother him too much. Sure, all those people looked amazing, but he had the best girl in the system, possibly the universe.

“Shall we?” he extended an arm towards Maggie.

“Let’s,” she happily grasped it.

“Bit empty, though,” the man remarked.

“In what way?” the girl questioned while her pet punctuated.

“I mean, this place is supposed to be booked for months and months, right? So how come there’s so few people out?”

“From what I have observed there is a substantial portion of tourists that are either asleep or hungover from extensive partying. It is unlikely they will leave their hotel rooms before noon.”

“Huh. Well, more room for us, I guess.”

That matter settled, the couple confidently strode across the beach in search of a good spot to claim as theirs for the day. They naturally attracted a good deal of attention, most of which was directed at Maggie. Some were blatantly taking pictures and a few recorded videos, but none of them really approached the couple. If anything they seemed to clear out of their way for some reason. Joe was a bit confused but nevertheless thankful for the extra personal space. Having watched entirely too many romantic comedies, he expected some buff dudes to show up and try to steal his girl. He was actually a little bit sad he missed out on that cliche experience.

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A few minutes later they were approached by an employee who cordially asked them to relocate to another section of the beach. Apparently the couple had unknowingly entered Glittersand Cove, a semi-private and very exclusive stretch of sand. That explained the relatively low number of people, not to mention their attitude. These were the type of wealthy and influential snobs who literally did not want to breathe the same air as riff-raff like Joe and Maggie. The man awkwardly apologized to the attendant and vacated the area with the girl in tow. He tried to be polite about it, but was fuming on the inside. Not just at the posh pricks, but also at the damn cabbie that dropped them off here without saying anything. Joe had half a mind to send his company a sternly worded letter, but decided to focus on what was important rather than dwelling on it.

In any event, with the misunderstanding dealt with, the couple hopped onto an inter-city tram and wound up in a far more relaxed and casual stretch of beach. This area was far more dense with tourists, who were a lot more on Joe’s level in terms of class. Maggie was the one that stood out here, but at least the people were a lot more friendly. The two of them barely managed to find an unoccupied umbrella to rent before they were enthusiastically invited to a game of volarian volleyball by another couple. They had to refuse, though. Joe because he had no idea what ‘volarian volleyball’ was, and Maggie because she came here to swim, not bounce a glow-in-the-dark inflatable cube around.

That was precisely what the girl did. She grabbed Joe by the hand and practically dragged him into the water. She then had to immediately get out for Azgod’Kalar’s sake. The diminutive serpent did not have trouble swimming, but harbored a severe dislike for saltwater. This was communicated by squeezing down on Maggie’s wrist like an annoyed bracelet. The girl found this development a bit regrettable, but she had to leave Azgod’Kalar to bask in the sun with the rest of their stuff while she and Joe went for a dip.

Actually, it was more accurate to say the man went for a sink. He struggled to stay afloat since he didn’t exactly know how to swim. He’d practiced in the virtual world, but reality proved more difficult as per usual. He was in no danger of drowning, of course. He had brought a swimming mask with a built-in rebreather, not to mention Maggie was there with him. The girl had absolutely no difficulty moving around underwater, nor did she struggle to drag Joe along by the hand. At some point the guy kind of gave up trying to swim altogether and allowed Maggie to take him wherever she pleased.

He somewhat regretted that decision when she dragged him several kilometers off the coast so that she could closely observe marine wildlife. They were so deep in that a search and rescue drone showed up to pick them up, only to be shooed away. The couple began their exploration of the ocean, which led them to find a lot more than just fish and algae. They stumbled upon a section of seafloor that was littered with starship wreckage. The debris was so ancient that it was practically invisible under all the corals and algae growing on and around it. Maggie liked a good mystery, so she did everything in her power to learn exactly where this scrap came from. Thankfully Joe was there to reign in her enthusiasm, otherwise she would have excavated the whole place up and ruined the coral colonies in her search of answers.

After thoroughly inspecting the wreckage, the girl reached a somewhat disappointing conclusion. There was no buried treasure or ancient secrets to uncover. In fact, there wasn’t even a crash. The early model freighter that all those bits and pieces belonged to had simply been decommissioned once it got too old. Some of its remains were placed in the ocean to serve as artificial reefs during the planet’s terraforming process two centuries ago. A curious way of recycling and repurposing outdated tech and materials to be sure. Maggie found the subject somewhat interesting, though nowhere as exciting as the wrecked space pirate fleet she low-key hoped to find.

Joe, on the other hand, couldn’t care less about that junk. He was preoccupied watching the pale-skinned beauty gracefully navigate the gentle currents as diluted rays of sunlight danced around her. It was a whole new way to enjoy and appreciate Maggie’s loveliness. Yet again she took his breath away. Literally. Actually, no. That was his face mask. His girlfriend had dragged him down to about twenty meters beneath the surface, which was beyond the rebreather’s recommended depth. The cheap device was intended for rookie swimmers just off the coast, not prolonged dives into reefs and such. It could only hold on for so long before it failed completely, hence Joe’s sudden shortness of breath.

Somehow managing to remain calm, Joe squeezed and tugged on the arm Maggie was using to drag him around. When she turned her attention back to him and noticed the absence of bubbles emerging from his mask, she immediately grasped what the issue was. She placed her free hand on Joe’s face and concentrated for a moment. There was a barely audible click as she fixed the rebreather, allowing it to resume its oxygen-generating function.

“Ugh, thanks for that. I knew I should’ve asked for a better model,” he grumbled.

His voice had no hope of reaching Maggie underwater, but that didn’t stop her from hearing it all the same. She put on a slightly worried expression and spoke directly into his mind.

“The failure is mine. I should have noticed the malfunction sooner.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine. Honestly, you fixed it so easily that I’m a bit disappointed.”

“You are? How come?”

“I was… kind of hoping you’d share your breath with me. Mouth to mouth, you know?”

It was another one of those movie cliches Joe loved so much and wanted to try out in real life. Admittedly he had no idea exactly how the girl was breathing. She didn’t have any equipment, nor had she sprouted a set of gills. However, her chest still expanded and contracted, and bubbles occasionally escaped her nostrils, so there was definitely air circulation going on.

“We can still do that, if you’d like,” she smiled coyly.

“Yes, please.”

The mask came off and their lips sealed together within moments. Joe couldn’t help but close his eyes as Maggie’s hot breath filled his entire being. He even wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, prompting her to return the embrace. They were then rudely interrupted by that blasted search and rescue drone. The person-sized submersible robot had picked up the failure signal broadcasted by the mask and had come to offer aid and assistance. This seemed to tick Maggie off more than it did Joe, given how she fried its tiny electronic brain with a mean look.

The man questioned whether that was really necessary. His girlfriend then pulled him into a redo of the underwater kiss, which convinced him that yes, it was. This time around their embrace remained unbroken for nearly ten minutes before both of them felt satisfied with it. Maggie fixed the emergency response automaton up and dragged Joe back to the surface. They started making their way to dry land, though it was clear the guy’s head was somewhere in the clouds. It wasn’t until they were back ashore and reunited with Azgod’Kalar that he finally snapped out of it.

“Is it really okay to be using your brain power like that?” he inquired. “Won’t you tire yourself out again?”

“Normally, yes. However, I took three vacation days especially for the occasion,” she happily replied.

“You have vacation days?” he flatly asked.

“Of course, Joe. I am currently an employee of the Third British Empire. As such, I have certain rights and privileges that go along with my responsibilities. One of those is to temporarily suspend my computational duties at my own discretion. I have taken advantage of this option so that I may focus fully on the trip.”

“I see. Worth it so far, I’d say.”

“Indeed.”

“Now, shall we see if I can catch a tan without burning to a crisp?”

“…”

“It’s a metaphor, Maggie,” he sensed her confusion.

“I am aware. I was simply pondering why you think an increased melanin count is necessary.”

“Oh, no reason, really. It’s just a thing you do when you go to the beach.”

“I comprehend. In that case I shall join you in this endeavor.”

Joe tried to imagine how Maggie would look with a golden tan instead of her blindingly pale skin. It was… not all that appealing.

“I don’t think you’d look good like that.”

“I can always revert this vessel to its default state afterwards,” she pointed out.

“Then… oh, you just want to see if you can actually catch a tan?”

“Yes.”

“It’s just sunbathing, though. Is it really that big a deal?”

Joe knew better than to try and question Maggie’s strange motives, but he couldn’t help himself on this occasion. He liked her exactly as she was and felt like a shift in skin tone would somehow sully his image of her. It was a foolish and selfish concern, but he liked to think he was allowed one of those every now and then.

“It is an experiment that is valuable to my ongoing research into the human condition.”

Indeed, though it seemed inconsequential, the process of suntanning could reveal secrets that helped Maggie perfect her mostly human vessel. She had actually been working on that ever since she first met Joe. Her first attempt resulted in a body that was approximately 71% human, which she had increased to 93% since. She wasn’t aiming for 100% though. Conjuring a fully human body was quite easy for her. The issue with that was that such a vessel would shatter instantly should she pour her vast consciousness and psychic might into it. At the same time, she deemed it important to maximize her compatibility with her anchor. The solution Magh’rathlak the Observer had come up with was to use a modified human body capable of withstanding that strain.

That was easier said than done as genetics wasn’t an area that Maggie was especially interested in or particularly good at. She needed to crack the mysteries of the human genome, hence why seemingly inconsequential experiments like catching a tan were necessary. Admittedly she could have probably looked this stuff up online somewhere, but, as per usual, that would deprive her the joy of discovering things on her own. She had made a good deal of progress since then, and set a personal goal of getting her vessel’s humanity rating to 95% without compromising its integrity. This increase wouldn’t serve any tangible purpose, though, and was mostly just Maggie gunning for a high score.

Joe had no idea as to any of that, nor did he particularly want to know the nitty-gritty details. He responded to her insistence with a shrug and a ‘Fair enough,’ and that was that. They spent most of the day bathing in seawater and sunlight in equal parts, though neither attained a noticeable change in skin coloration. By the time evening came, Joe was absolutely exhausted. He intended to put some moves on Maggie and up their intimacy, but all the underwater horseplay had drained him to the point where he passed out the instant they got in their hotel room.

The couple spent their remaining two days at the beach much like the first, only with less reef diving and more splashing around carelessly in the shallows. They also partook in some other location-appropriate activities, like riding a rocket banana boat, playing water sports, and eating far too much seafood. Maggie also entered some random oceanic trivia contest, which ended with her being disqualified for being suspiciously good at it. She was a bit disappointed, but hardly surprised. All official competitions she tried to partake in ended that way since she did not subscribe to the idea of ‘holding back.’ Well, aside from that neighborhood bake-off from a few weeks ago. She got kicked out of that one because anyone that took a bite of her handmade starberry cupcakes started hearing strange voices that whispered unintelligible gibberish.

There was another notable incident on day three. Maggie had constructed what she called a sandcastle. However, the structure she sculpted featured some bizarre and seemingly impossible geometry that made Joe’s brain hurt a bit. He had a feeling some space-wizardry was involved despite the girl’s reassurance to the contrary. Any onlookers that saw it shared the man’s opinion that there was something… wrong with that thing. The military apparently agreed as well, given how a very sour-faced Agent Johanson sporting a camo-patterned one piece swimsuit showed up to stomp the offending sculpture flat, then left without saying a word. Joe was a bit surprised by her sudden appearance since she was supposed to stay behind at Dave-156, but he knew better than to question it.

Those minor disturbances aside, the couple had tons of fun until they left for home later that same evening. Joe was a bit disappointed he failed to take their relationship to the next level like he intended, but nevertheless happy with how things turned out. He left Amelia-10 feeling slightly closer to Maggie, which was a clear sign of progress. It would be a while still before he worked up the courage to take that big leap in the bedroom, but that weekend at the beach had been a good start.

However, the brief vacation had an unfortunate, unintended, and unexpected side effect. Several individuals had taken pictures and videos of the pretty girl in the black-and-red bikini and circulated them online without her knowledge or consent. This sort of thing happened all the time, but this particular batch of images were picked up by an automated algorithm that belonged to a certain body of authority. It took about a week for the information to make some interstellar rounds, after which Maggie received a sternly worded letter.

It was a cease and desist on behalf of Melinda Sparklestar, the female lead of Love At First Flight, and the woman whose copyrighted appearance she had ‘stolen.’

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