Chapter 163: 162

He stayed in bed. There was really nothing that could get him to move. Not the knocks on his door, not the voice of his friends calling him. He felt weak. His whole body was aching and his muscles were giving up on him as the time went by. He was hungry, depressed and exhausted and there was nothing he could do about it. It hurt, like a burn on his chest the thought that he would never see Philip gaian, hurt. 

Many times he tried to get up, find himself something to do, something else to think about but on his first step his eyes would swell with tears and everything would come back to him. That's why he had decided it was better to nest in the covers, like an animal that lived under the soil, he had covered himself with the white blanket and all he could see was the darkness behind his closed eyes.

He wouldn't let anyone in. Not Lun, not Soran, not even John and he didn't know what he would do when the time to leave this cheap place would come. He was sure Lun would try to break open the door to drag him out. 

It wasn't that Kai didn't want to get up. In a sense he couldn't. Every step hurt him, emotionally and to some extent physically. He wanted to feed, his stomach though had turned into a knob and there was no will in him left to get him out of his bed. All he wanted was to just stay there, frozen until he managed to erase his emotions once again, return to the man he used to be, the one that managed to survive for two hundred years, even if he was drowned in constant pain and sorrow.

During the first night closing his eyes had only allowed his nightmares to creep in. Philip's face as he died. The expression he could never erase from his mind, those wide eyes and the soft why they left his lips just before he left the world. It was the most horrid scene he had witnessed, until today it haunted him and after everything it had somehow come back to the surface. 

He had cried that night, loudly but in his sleep, worrying everyone that could hear. There was no cure for what Kai was going through, no real help. He had always been like this, broken and depressed and the truth was he was probably going to continue being this messed up. 

The young prince had thrown the blanket on the floor that night and his anxious hands had ripped the sheets he was sleeping on. Once he had woken up the image of the chaos that he had created reminded him that he was stuck. Again and again, in a loophole, stuck in a reality he hated.

He didn't want to imagine how Philip would have reacted when he was being told the truth. Mika probably said everything, sadly just everything he knew. Maybe it was for the better though, not being able to see him, observing the change in his face as he heard his friend reveal his past. Kai didn't know if he could handle it, the hate that would suddenly be born in Philip's heart. He loved seeing his smile again, listening to him call his name. It was Utopian though, even if he tried to ignore the fact that one day he would find out it still happened and now, now Kai felt ruined.

The prince was not very fond of strong smells and after two days locked in a room with the same clothes right after a huge fight he had become quite appalling. That was the first time he decided to move and actually take a shower.

He allowed the warm water to land on his skin, hot, turning the pale body red as he closed his eyes and stood underneath it. The shampoo smelled nice, like flowers and bubbled easily on his golden hair. It didn't take long for him to finish but still, he remained in there, in the figgy shower with his eyes closed, the water burning him slowly and the marks of the past visible on his back. His forehead touched the tiles and he started crying again.

"Why did it have to happen like this?" He asked, not knowing who he was referring to. The gods, the universe? He needed someone to offer him an answer, let him know how he could and why he was so unlucky. "I'm sorry. I never wanted things to be this way." He whispered when he finally decided to turn the water off and slip off the shower.

He had a few clothes with him, John and Lun had done some shopping for everyone since their previous escape had been quite sudden. He changed into a clean white shirt and a pair of blue jeans. He didn't usually wear blue jeans, he wasn't fond of the color but now it didn't really matter. He was going to crawl inside the sheets anyway. 

He laid again on the bed, his wet hair dumping the pillow as he stared soulless at the ceiling. The light trembled for a moment. A yellow flash before his eyes.

John had told him to try. He had said not to give up but truly what could happen? What could Kai do to make him understand. He still didn't remember. He didn't know of the things they went through together so of course he would value his best friend's opinion more than his. Kai hadn't told him from the start, even after they decided to date in this short time he didn't reveal to him the truth, he couldn't actually but Philip didn't know that, so probably even that would count. The fact that he in a way in Philip's eyes chose to remain silent.

What would he say to him?

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"I love you and I'm sorry." That sounded too plain, too weak, too little. "I love you so much" Again it wasn't enough. It had never been enough and now, it wouldn't move the werewolf and Kai didn't blame him.

He took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the huge weight on his chest. It was bothering him, like he couldn't breathe properly. 

"From the very first moment I laid eyes on you I knew, even if I didn't want to admit it, even if I tried to cover it, I knew that I loved you. Maybe that was the reason I wanted to get you in trouble, I was childish and spoiled, the idea of someone holding such power over me did not fit my image. Still, you did not hate me. You saw something in me, something not even I could see. I tried to hurt you, again and again but you stood there, waiting patiently for me. How could I not love you? How could I not worship the ground you stepped on? One world from you and I would drop everything, even my life. I am sorry. I have always been sorry, hating myself that allowed this to happen, that allowed us to end and when I found you again I was so scared, terrified of you finding out the monster that I hid inside of me. Maybe it would have been better if I had run away, that way you wouldn't get hurt again, at least not yet but it was impossible. It was truly impossible for me to just leave you when you stood right in front of me. It was impossible for me to see a world without you when I knew you were living in it. It's all my fault, everything but my biggest regret is not managing to protect you." He said. 

It was a small speech, referred to no one because the truth was he was completely alone. 

He twisted and turned, feeling the droplets of water travel down the back of his neck, landing on the sides of his temples and rushing to reach his collarbone where they rested. He exhaled, his palms landing on his face as he rubbed it.

"You're a fucking idiot!" He attacked himself. He wasn't an idiot, he simply couldn't let go. How could he when his relationship with Philip had been written in the stars, probably by some very sadistic god that enjoyed seeing them in pain. Soran had told him to go against fate but could he? Fate was stronger than just a word, an idea, it was an invisible pull and even the strongest person in the world couldn't stop it. He too would know about it soon, either he wanted it to, or not.

The prince remained alone for a while longer, until he watched the sun set from the small window of the room. The sky changed its color from light blue to orange, purple and midnight blue. It was a beautiful transition, one that managed to take his mind off of things for a while when he heard a knock on his door.

"Go away please" the youngest prince said but he got no answer. Usually they would call his name, ask him if he was hungry and all those worried questions a person that had been holed up in his room would hear. This time though no one spoke. 

Another knock was heard on the door, echoing in the silent room and the prince frowned.

"Go away, I want to be alone." Kai repeated.

"Open the fucking door or I will break it down" A voice said, the sound reaching very clearly his ears. He couldn't be mistaken, even through the angry tone the person remained the same. Kai's blue eyes widened and he hopped off the bed, suddenly feeling energetic, too energetic actually. He stood close to the door his face in shock as he placed his palm on it, sticking his ear on it.

"I can hear you behind the door. Just open it before I make a mess." Philip warned him and Kai's pale hand slowly turned the old handle. 

Soon the werewolf came into view, handsome as always but cold, like a blizzard. He was angry, his expression was the true definition of mad and Kai's heart shuttered in his chest, the pieces traveling all over his body.

He had said beautiful things before, when he was alone, lying in his bed but now, now, all the words seemed to have been swallowed up and destroyed. He simply stood there stunned by the unexpected guest, his lips sealed tight.

There were no words, no thoughts, just feelings and an exhausted body.

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