Chapter 164: 163

Kai wished to close his eyes and simply disappear. He wished to turn into the smallest spec of dust and get swept away by the wind. His mind was blank and his eyes would soon start to water. He felt it, the upcoming upsetting emotions that would invade once more his life. He couldn't close his eyes though, he was unable to find this momentary peace he was asking for since if he did Philip's image would disappear before him. It was a very depressing paradox. He loved looking at him, his appearance a gift by the gods but his expression, the deep wrinkle between his eyebrows and the darkness in his stare were making him want to run away. 

He was scared, still not ready to face the consequences of his previous actions, still unable to face rejection. He didn't want to hear Philip's hurtful words, not because he didn't know what he had done but because he hated the thought that he had hurt him. Even after everything, after all the oaths and the promises Kai still found it difficult to keep his word. The one promise he had made to himself hundreds of years ago had seemed to be harder than breathing because every time they collided, the werewolf  was getting hurt.

They stood silent for a while, both of them preparing themselves for different situations. He would give all of his money to know what the man was thinking, to be ready for the harsh things he would hear. Nothing could really prepare him though for what was about to happen, the tension and the heartburn. He was already feeling his heart race and his hands were shaking. He placed his palms in the pockets of his jeans, wanting to hide how anxious he was. It felt that it would be wrong if he took this moment and made it about himself, it would be selfish.

Philip walked in without asking for permission, his shoulder bumping into Kai's as he stepped into the room, his eyes pointlessly examining the poor interior. The vampire slowly closed the door behind them, making sure it didn't make too much noise and alerted the rest of his friends that he had finally made an appearance. If Lun or Xan came to his room right now he was almost sure a fist fight would happen. 

The prince waited, standing behind him. He waited for the werewolf to start the conversation, a swear or a punch, he didn't mind as long as Philip said something, did something because he didn't have the strength to breathe at the moment, let alone speak. 

He heard him sigh, his eyes traveling to his face as he turned around,he looked concerned. Of course he was, Kai thought, standing in front of the man that he thought of his killer. Kai found all of his reactions reasonable, even the more extreme ones he was expecting to come. The young man would take everything, he wouldn't complain. He would allow Philip to get everything out of his chest the same way he had done for him years ago. Then he would let him go, once and for all so he could leave in peace. He was sure Philip had a lot on his chest right now, if being here, blaming him, unloaded some of his burdens he was fine with it. 

Slowly day after day he would learn again. Kai would get used to the feeling of being alone, the numbness of his thoughts and his feelings. It was a process, painful and time consuming but this is what he had planned to do, what he had thought about while he laid in that bed for hours and hours. There was nothing left, no hope to nurture as he met his eyes, as he realized the real emotions emitting from him. 

He didn't hope for anything, he knew he deserved everything, he felt like he deserved even more to be honest but he was too much of a coward to take his own life. This is what he told himself, that this was what he deserves. Somewhere a clock was ticking, time moved forward but in this room Kai felt stuck. An endless loop of sorrow as waiting seemed like forever. He parted his lips, preparing himself to actually speak first but Philip stopped him. He raised his hand, showing him that he didn't want to hear him out. Kai nodded, not knowing why but he at least wished for Philip to know he respected his decision. 

"I don't really want to hear what you have to say." he told him, every word breaking him. "I know it will all be just excuses anyways. I came here to say a few things to you, I hope that you will hear me out, I hope that you won't try to excuse yourself." Philip said, his hazel eyes stuck on Kai as he talked. 

The prince felt his fingers curl inside his cold pockets. His hands slowly forming fists, his nails digging on his pale skin. He wasn't angry, he didn't have the right to be after all, he just felt like he was hopeless, there was no turning back now, everything was set and failure was to be expected.

"I will hear you out." Kai said, his voice coming out shaky, as if he was afraid. 

"Good. You have no idea how mad I am, furious really. Was this a game to you? I already know that you're my mate, you knew how much I expected this moment, the anguish I felt that I might lose you on my birthday but you didn't say anything, you knew and you could relieve me of this stress but you choose to see me anxious, just so you won't have to reveal your crime?" Philip asked him but the vampire didn't say anything, he stood still trying to listen without crying. It was too early for him to cry and no matter how hard he wanted to he didn't want Philip to think he was asking for his pity. So he took everything in, processed it and tried not to collapse. It was harder than it sounded, standing there. "But that's not even that serious, that could be considered as nothing compared to the things I heard that you did. You killed me." Philip said. Kai noticed he uttered the words with difficulty, pain in his eyes as he said it allowed. The man he had loved had killed him. "You killed me but I still came here. I was ready to make everything a mess, I wanted to beat you up and cause a scene. All those days I couldn't find peace, not even for a second. I was willing to put my life on the line for you and you didn't have decency, even after you used me to tell me the truth?!" Philip shouted, furious. 

"I did not use you. I never wanted to use you. Philip, there are things…the whole story is not how you think it is." The blond prince said. It hurt, it hurt him so much knowing that Philip looked at him as a manipulator, as someone who used him to save himself. He wanted to explain. 

"Then how is the story? Tell me. I will give you one chance. Tell me everything."  Philip said and Kai took a deep breath. He wanted to explain but he couldn't. He couldn't explain because every time he tried to talk about it his lungs would burn, his whole body would be in pain and he would start coughing blood. It was a warning, a very brutal reminder that he wasn't allowed to speak, express himself, reveal the truth. 

"I can't" Kai replied, seeing Philip's expression show pure fury. The werewolf rushed forward, grabbing him by the collar of his cheap  shirt and pushed him upwards slightly. 

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"You can't?" he asked him, his eyes wide. His eyebrows furrowed as he shouted in his face. "You can't? That's what you have to say to me? When I give you a chance to explain yourself all you tell me is that you can't. Didn't my words mean anything to you? All the time I showed you how much I cared for you, the moments I risked my life!"

"It's not like that, I swear." Kai said, his voice shaking as his eyes started to water and the werewolf let go of him. He clicked his tongue, not believing in his tears.

"What's the point of crying? You don't even want to explain what happened but you want to cry. I won't pity you Kai. Not after what you did."

"You need to believe me, Philip. I am really sorry about what happened, I never intended to hurt you. I never wanted something like that to happen."

"Then tell me why….Why?" he said again, his arms in the air in desperation. 

"I can't!" Kai shouted back while tears escaped from his eyes. He tried to move closer, his hand extended as he wanted to touch him but the werewolf avoided him, standing further away and making Kai's heart sink. 

"You think I am a joke. That must be it. You and your friends were laughing at me while I risked everything for you. Knowing what had happened" The werewolf said, messing up his hair. "I can't believe I came here to talk to you. I can't believe I was trying to be reasonable with you, at least consider hearing your explanation after everything! You are horrible Kai…" Philip attacked him with painful words and the vampire's head dropped, his eyes locked to the floor, if he looked at him now he would start whaling, he would beg for forgiveness but he knew it would only make Philip ask more questions he would never be able to answer. 

"I'm sorry." the prince mumbled as he heard Philip scoff. "I really am."

"Then tell me what happened."

"I won't" 

"Kai, look at me." he said, trying to gain his attention. The prince raised his head, his eyes red from crying. "I am leaving tonight, I will go back to the forest, this will be your last chance to tell me the  truth. I swear to god I…"

"You should go." Kai said, feeling his heart shutter in thousands of pieces as he watched Philip's expression change again. One way or the other he was hurting him, from the start to the end he was only a thorn stuck in his heart, he had to let him go.

"Fuck you. I wish I never see you again."

"No, this is good. I will be going back too, back to BloodBound." 

"What?"

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