Chapter 190: 189

"You look horrible." Lun commented while he took Kai back to his bedroom and the young prince shot him a glare, snorting at his remark. 

"Thanks for telling me something I already knew." The prince told him, grabbing his doorknob tightly, because his hands were still slightly shaking, a stray strand of hair landing in front of his left eye while he looked at his friend's darke eyes. He could read his expression, he could see the worry in them, the doubts and that he really wanted to say something. "Say it" 

"Say what?" Lun asked, pretending to be ignorant.

"What you want to say, I feel it so just say it." 

"I don't think you should be here. I think we should go back and find that little soulmate of yours. I…you're trying to distract yourself, trying to hide how you feel and that will ruin you. You can't hide forever. You either need to move on, or stay. There is no in between." he advised him and Kai shook his head, a bitter smile lingering on his sweet pink lips.

"Stay? Stay where? With whom? Philip? There is no place for me to truly stay, there is no little soulmate anymore. I wish I could shout, scream, get it out of my chest but every time I try to I choke. I am a vampire, I am cursed, then I took a blood oath and then…then…I have to carry so many curses there is no staying for me. The only option is to move on, forget." 

"Moving on doesn't mean forgetting. You won't be able to wake up one day and forget the pain, the things you went through. You still love Philip, think about him and clearly you can't let go of him so why can't you try?" Lun asked. 

"Because he chose to stop, I can't tell him the truth, even if he remembers I have no idea what happened, I…I don't know anything."

"Only if you talk to him you…"

"I don't want to." Kai interrupted him, opening his door, a subtle signal that he wanted to step out of this conversation. 

"Kai, hear me out for a second."

"I don't want to. I don't want to listen to anything anymore. Everyone has something to say, pushing me to return to the pain…I…just want to forget. Why? Why do you keep telling me to return?"

"Because he actually loves you back. You are blessed in that sense. Think of how it would feel if he didn't really love you." he told him.

"Maybe that would be better. To not be loved at all." Kai mumbled.

"Really? Oh you have no idea. Seeing the eyes of the one you love, seeing the lack of emotion, hearing the coldness in their voice. Thinking that you would do anything to make them love you but know they don't see you. For them you don't exist. Suddenly your whole heart, your mind and your body lose meaning because the feelings are too strong, because this love gives you a reason to live. But it is brutal, the way you get rejected, the way you feel pitiful and like a beggar asking for just a stare, just a touch to feel like you can breathe again. Not being loved back, Kai, is not as easy as you think. So hear my advice, don't let go." he said. 

"Lun, I don't want to put him in danger again…I don't want his life to be ruined because he loved me." 

"Our decisions, what we are willing to do for the ones we love is totally up to us. I would let myself get ruined, turn into dust if I knew that I could save Xan and that is me, not him. I would make that decision. So if he wants to be with you, knowing the pain, knowing the trouble that comes with it, why push him away?" 

"Because I will blame myself." 

"You're already blaming yourself, withering away every time you find yourself alone. Being a vampire is not our curse Kai, that is nothing in comparison to the pain of not having the one you love, being doomed to gift your heart, without having a choice. That is the true curse, if you can solve it, then you're too stupid not to try." 

"Then why aren't you trying? Why don't you make my brother like you?" he asked him. 

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"I tried, I tried and I tried. All I seem to be doing is try but in the end some things are impossible after all. No matter if he kisses me, no matter if he holds my hand he won't ever look at me in the eyes and tell me he loves me, he will never accept me, because of who I was and because of who I am but Philip, he loves you unconditionally, he adores you and for that I envy you." 

"Lun, I am so sorry. I wish I could do something to help you. Beat his ass." Kai said, making his friend chuckle. 

"No one can help me, and no one can help you except yourself. Two weeks Kai…."

"Two weeks?"

"He will be here in two weeks. He has been assigned as the new Alpha of Moonshine. He will come here." Lun informed him. Kai took a short breath, letting had he had just heard sink in. His heart sped up, yes, he had thought that this day would finally come but it was too soon, too sudden. Philip, an Alpha? "Maybe when you two meet you will see that sometimes we should forgive ourselves and go after what we want." 

"Lun?"

"Yeah?"

"About my brother…It is not your fault, you know that right?" he told him, making his best friend sigh. 

"Sometimes I think it is, sometimes I think that it isn't. Sometimes I wish I wasn't even born, I wish I was someone else, not the son of the underworld, sometimes, sometimes, well, things do not change, so there is no reason to think about it." 

"Do you want to stay here?" He asked him, stepping to the side, welcoming him in. 

"Yeah" Lun said, nodding his head and stepping in. 

Kai looked at him, walking inside and sitting on his bed. He patted the soft mattress, signaling him to come closer but the prince didn't move. He stood there, looking at Lun. 

It was one of those moments. A few seconds when you look at someone and feel grateful, lucky that they exist. 

"You know what?" Kai said and Lun raised his eyebrow. "It's going to be alright."

"And why is that?" 

"Because I have you."

"Oh, gods, that's the cheesiest thing I have ever heard." Lun said, a smile on his lips.

Just two friends, for tonight that was enough.

....

I love these two best friends.

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