Chapter 198: 197

It was one of those days that John hated his fate. It was one of those moments he wished he could get back in time, travel to the days before and avoid everything, avoid the pain he would feel when Soran's angered eyes would land on him like poisoned arrows. 

Loving someone was hard enough as it was, loving someone who didn't love you back was torture and thinking that you didn't deserve that love made things worse. John didn't view highly of himself. He wasn't beautiful like the rest of them, he did not have perfect skin or a perfect body, he was not educated, hell he couldn't even memorize a few names and the worst of all he had been an addict and Soran knew about it. The most embarrassing moment of his life, the one time he was at his lowest, Soran was aware of and now, John believed that he saw him as someone weak. 

"Why wouldn't you want me to help you with your studies?" Soran asked him, obviously agitated by the fact that John kept telling him no. 

Both of them, standing in the middle of an empty corridor, eyes locked with a key that was thrown away right after, their feet touching the soft carpet while the candle light created scary shadows in Soran's face remained silent. 

John hated the silence, he hated the feeling of uncertainty that came with it and the piercing stare of Soran's that seemed to invade his soul. 

"I just don't want to. I can do it by myself. Thank you." he told him and attempted to leave. Soran grabbed his arm, stopping him and pulling him back. 

"Tell me the reason, why would you go to Lun and not me?" he asked again and John sighed. 

Because your cruel words hurt me. John thought. He knew Soran didn't mean it. He was well aware that his unexplainable behavior bothered him too, he didn't like not being himself after all but to John, to him it was different because his cruel comments were not from someone he didn't care, a stranger or even a distant friend. His words, his judgemental looks, everything came from him, the one he loved and that was enough to keep him awake all night, thinking and replaying those words. Hurting himself again and again as he pictured Soran's angelic face alter, his always peaceful expression become hostile as he looked at him. 

"There is no fucking reason! I just don't want to!" The young werewolf snapped, pulling his hand away and taking a step back to put some distance between them. 

"Don't swear at me" Soran told him.

"Why? I am an adult and last time I checked you were not my mother so why did you think I will do what you want?" John shouted, not caring the slightest bit about the people that had gathered at the end of the corridor, eavesdropping very discreetly, only the tips of their shoes showing from the corner. As it seemed the people in the palace were all very fond of gossip. 

"Yeah, right, I forgot that your mother kicked you out for being a junkie, what would you expect from someone that was raised like you?" Soran said.

"You fucking asshole!" John screamed and jumped at him, pushing Soran on the floor. 

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The vampire did not resist, not the slightest bit since he had no intention to stop his attack, because the moment he uttered these words Soran had already regretted it. He couldn't believe himself as he heard his own sentence but at the same time he couldn't stop it. As if he was trapped in his own body, watching how he ruined his relationship with John, someone else had taken control of him. 

So he let John pin him to the ground, he let him punch him as he felt the taste of his own blood on his mouth. His dark eyes were closed, guilt too heavy to actually manage and look at him.

"Why does it have to be you!" John screamed as he punched him one more time. "Why?" he asked and Soran felt tears land on his face. His eyes fluttered open, seeing how John had frozen, his arm in the air before he collapsed, crying like a child on his chest. "It would be fine if it was anyone else but why, why do I have to listen to all these things from you?" he asked him, his body shaking from the anger and the pain. 

Soran sighed, turning his head as he slowly hugged him. 

"No!" John said and pushed his hands away, rejecting his embrace. "Don't hug me, don't try to comfort me just so you can hurt me all over again. I am tired, I am hurt, I feel useless! That's why I don't want you near me. Because everytime I look at you it hurts and the hardest part is that you have no idea about it." John told him, his voice loud, echoing in the silent corridor. His tears were running like waterfalls, his body shaking as if he had a fever and his face was red, blood boiling with anger. "I am not Kai. I will never be like him. Skilled at everything, maddeningly beautiful, I know, I know very well how I lack, how I was just a human junkie and now I am just a dog, I know myself very well that's why I hate it. The fate that had been sealed for me, the fact that no matter what I do I can't escape you and you have no idea about it!" He said, punching the floor next to Soran's head, creating a huge dent underneath the carpet as he broke the expensive marble. 

"John…I am sorry, I don't know what to tell you." Soran said, his eyes sad as he faced the mess that was called John. 

"Of course you don't know what to tell me. Because I am the one stuck with this…this fucking curse that will never end. Stuck with these feelings and even now…even now I…."

"I am sure you will find someone John, I am sure this seems hard now. With you changing and everything but…"

"Please, please stop talking. I've had enough of it!" John said. "You were right. You were so fucking right. Everyone is wearing a fucking mask, even you while you deny to see what is right in front of you because you are in denial! It's not just a simple crush ,Soran, it never was. You are my mate!" John screamed in his face.

Soran laid on the floor, his wounds healing right in front of John's eyes, widemouthed, totally stupefied as he slowly processed what John had said. 

"No…no it can't be possible." Soran mumbled in disbelief and the young werewolf scoffed, a bitter smile on his face. He stood up, stumbling slightly before he found his balance but Soran did not attempt to move, he was still down there, his eyes stuck on the werewolf who looked as if he had given up on life. 

"Don't worry, I got it off my chest, now you and I have nothing to do with each other.." he told him and walked away from him, not turning back once.

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