Chapter 114: Recreation: Don’t Get Me Started

"Attention blue team!" Sarge yells. "This is the red team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to the sudden and cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to suck in the horrors of this announcement! And then return for your reaction. Be right back!"

Sarge backs down towards Red Base, where Simmons, Ash and Grif are standing near the downed pelican.

Ash is in the middle of the two.

Sarge chuckles. "Alright, that ought to scare the berjeezers out of 'em."

"Actually Sir, since it's just one of them over there..." Simmons starts.

"And the one is an idiot." Grif adds.

"That's scarily strong." Ash finishes. 

Simmons continues. "....I don't really see the point in the psychological warfare."

"You're right, Simmons." Sarge starts. "It's not really accurate to refer to one person as a team. What's better? Blue Person? Blue Man? Bluetonian?"

"What I meant was-"

"Bluetard!"

"Oh, I like that." Ash says.

Simmons continues. "What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to him that we're gonna attack. Why don't we just do it?"

"There's an order to this, Simmons." Sarge explains. "We can't abandon protocol just 'cause we have an advantage. We have to give him a chance to see the errors of his blue ways! To lay down his arms and meet his fellow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world. A world that's better, because we poisoned his food at that table, and stabbed him in the eye with a fork. And taken all his stuff."

There is an Awkward silence. 

"Dibs on the computer." Simmons quickly says.

"Oh, Dibs on all the weapons." Ash yells. "My shoulder hurts."

"Noted!" Sarge says. "Now watch that base. Tell me if anything changes."

"Yes, sir!" Simmons agrees. "And Sir?"

"Yes Simmons?"

"I just wanna say, I'm glad I was here to see you on your day of victory. It's been a long time coming!"

"Yes it has, hasn't it?" Sarge starts. "My skills as a leader have really taken us far. It must have been quiiiite an honor to serve with me." There's a pause. "Ah... Okay, glad we had this talk."

"Are you glad I'm here too, Sarge?" Simmons asks with hopefulness. 

"Of course I am!"

"I knew it! I just-"

"The squad's kill-death ratio is the most important measurement when evaluating sergeants! If you had died, that would've hurt my numbers."

Simmons sniffs then walks off. "Glad I could help!"

"It's critical to keep a little padding in our stats." Sarge says. "That way if we're far enough ahead, I can stab Grif in the face, and still stay in the lead!"

"You know, I'm standing right here." Grif informs Sarge.

Sarge looks to Grif. "Right where I want you! Within face-stabbing range!" Sarge looks towards Red base and turns his radio on. "Lopez! How are those vehicle repairs coming?"

Lopez: ¿Cómo van? El jeep está destruido. No se puede arreglar. [Coming? The jeep is destroyed. It can't be fixed.]

Sarge: Got an ETA?

Lopez: Sí. Nunca. [Yes. Never.]

Sarge: As long as they get it ASAP! Cuz I need it PDQ!

Lopez: En ese caso, nunca menos uno. [In that case, never minus one.]

Sarge: Lopez, you're a regular RFR—Really Fast Robot. Grif! Make a note in the acronym journal. Simmons! Status report!

Simmons: (watching over the Blue Base) Still just one Blue, sir.

Sarge: Lopez! Status report!

Lopez: ¡Ya hablaste conmigo, idiota! [You already talked to me, jackass!]

Sarge: (runs back to the hill) Hey, Blue! Don't think we've forgotten about ya! Still gonna kill ya any second! (heads back towards his base) Count on it!

"Sarge, have you thought this invasion all the way though?" Grif asks.

"Do we ever think plans through?" Ash asks Grif.

"Good point."

"Of course I have!" Sarge says. "We beat the blues, we win, you suck. That's the whole way through."

"Ah, and who do we fight then?" Grif asks.

"We fight!..."

"...Other Blues!" Sarge finishes.

"Death to the Blues!" Ash yells then he starts to manically laugh.

"But what if no more blues come?" Grif asks Sarge. "I mean they haven't sent for reinforcements yet, what if they never do?"

"Why would you want more blues?" Simmons asks.

"Well, we have this new base and all this new equipment. Who else are we gonna test it on?"

"Who cares? The war will be over!"

"Oh, great!" Grif says. 

"You're suggesting we DON'T attack them?" Sarge asks. "Grif, that's borderline traitorism!"

Simmons looks to Sarge. "I think the word you're looking for is treason, Sir."

"Never mind Sarge, I was wrong." Grif starts. "If the war's over and we win, well that's just great!"

"Of course it would be!" Sarge says.

"I mean, no more early morning runs? No more training exercises? Why would we need to do any of that stuff, right? We won!"

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"Riiiiiight..."

"And all this new equipment, we could let it all fall into disrepair! I mean we don't need it! We won't even need to test it! Because we're winning! We're about to make it all obsolete!" Grif explains.

"I'm not liking this." Ash says.

Sarge groans.

Grif continues. "And think about this, Sarge! No more boring staff meetings! EVER!"

Sarge groans again. "Uh-huh uh-huh."

"Hey blue!" Sarge yells towards Blue Base. "There's ah, going to be a slight delay in your destruction. Hang tight!" Sarge looks back at his team. "Maybe I should call our new command. They'll tell us what we should do."

"Yeah, the old one was so great, the new one's gotta be even better." Grif says.

Sarge turns his radio on. "Command, come in command! This is Blood Gulch Outpost- wait, I mean... Simmons! What's the name of this place again?"

Ash looks around seemingly bored then he just walks off.

"Valhalla." Simmons tells Sarge.

Sarge: Valhaldagir-jangle-callit... thingy... Outpost Number One! Do you read? Come in! I need advisement on what to do about Blue Team!

Simmons: What are you doing?

Grif: What do you mean, what am I doing? We have one enemy here. We can milk this for years!

Sarge: No, Blue Team! (slowly) Ba-lue…

Caboose waltzes up to Simmons and Grif, who fail to notice him. He looks back and forth between who’s talking.

Grif: If we beat them, Command will just send us to some new base, where we have to fight a real team.

Simmons: So?

Grif: So!? Do you want to fight one shitty enemy, or five real enemies?

Sarge: B-L-U-E. Blue! Try lookin' under “suck it!”

Grif: You want me to help you subtract one from five? I know that’s tough for you.

Simmons: Shut up.

Caboose: Hey guys.

Simmons: What are you doing here!?

Caboose: Just gettin’ parts from the crashed ship. What are you guys up to?

Grif: We’re deciding whether or not to kill you and wipe out your team forever.

Caboose: Ah. Sounds tough.

Grif: We’re kinda splittin’ the decision right now.

Caboose: Do I get a vote?

Simmons: No! G-Get back to your base! Stop wandering around during your defeat. It’s confusing!

Caboose: Oh! Okay. Sorry! (begins to head back towards his base)

Simmons: And what are you workin’ on?

Caboose: Still not telling you!

Sarge: Hello? Hello? Hello? They hung up on me!

Simmons: Why?

Sarge: They said they didn’t even have record of a Blue Team. Nothing on Blues at all in their computer system.

Simmons: Oh. … Ohhhh!

Sarge: What?

Simmons: We deleted them, remember? From Command computers. We wiped them out.

Sarge: We did?

Simmons: Yeah, don’t you remember?

Sarge: Ohhh, right.

Cuts to a flashback. Grif and Sarge are standing behind Simmons, who is looking at a computer.

Sarge: Simmons, execute the hypotenuse initiative, and delete the Blues.

Simmons: (presses a switch) Done! The Blues now never existed. I also upgraded your pay scale while I was at it.

Sarge: Well deserved.

Grif: Yeah, we win!

Suddenly Grif is strapped to a giant rocket and he's launched off into the distance and the rocket explodes.

"I did it!" Ash laughs.

Sarge: What a great day! Simmons, transform into Motorcycle Mode.

Simmons: [monotone] You got it, sir. (begins changing into a motorcycle) Choop choop choop choop choop! Beep beep!

Sarge: Let’s get out of here. (hops on motorcycle-Simmons and drives outside) Yee-haw!

End flashback.

Grif: That’s not what happened!

Sarge: Of course it is.

Grif: Then how am I still alive?

Sarge: I ask myself that question every day. (pauses) Moto-Simmons! Run him over.

Ash runs past the group.

"Hey, Ash!" Sarge yells. "What's in your hand?"

"A grenade!" Ash yells.

"NO!" Grif, Simmons and Sarge yell together.

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(So surprise Ash is or was a Spartan.
I forgot to say surprise that chapter.)

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