Chapter 115: Recreation: Free Refills

Fade in to Caboose. He is talking to the Epsilon unit.

Caboose: Then there was the time we got a tank. Of course no one knew how to drive it, but then there was a big fight, my team got in trouble. So I talked to the tank. She was really nice, you're really gonna like her. Anyways, the team was in trouble, and I had to use the tank to drive out there to help them. ...Well, help most of them. ...Erm, some of them. ...Okay, let's just say this: I drove the tank, and some people got helped... and some other people didn't get helped. ...Details aren't really important.

Cut to the Red Base. Sarge is running around, searching through multiple areas of the base for Grif. He ends in front of the Warthog.

Sarge: Grif! Where the hell are ya? Grif! Grif? Grif! Come on!

Grif: (from in the base) I'm in here!

Sarge: Where are you? Grif, I need you!

Grif: In here, in the base!

Sarge: I can't hear you! Get out here!

Sarge runs towards the base while Grif is exiting it.

Grif: Okay. Damn, what is it?

Sarge: Where's Simmons?

Grif: Simmons? If you wanted Simmons, then why didn't you yell like a lunatic for Simmons?

Sarge: Damn it, Grif! I entrusted you with one duty! And that's to know exactly where Simmons is at all times so I can find him! Simmons watches Donut, Donut watches me. I watch Ash.

Grif: Yeah, who watches me?

Sarge: Nobody. You move less than Donut does. Now where's Simmons?

Grif: I don't know, he's downstairs in your hologram simulatron or whatever the hell you call it.

Sarge: Excellent work, Private Grif!

Grif: Wow! Thank you, sir.

Sarge: I'm gonna recommend you for a big shiny medal!

Grif: Okay, you're being sarcastic right now, aren’t you?

Sarge: Oh, absolutely! ...Wait, was your question sarcastic?

Grif: Who knows? Probably? Unless—wait, are you being sarcastic right now by asking that?

Awkward silence.

Sarge: Hm. Maybe we should drop this conversation.

Grif: Yeeah...

Sarge: (starts heading into the base) What's Simmons doing downstairs?

Grif: Sorry! Not in my job description!

Sarge: (grunts) I'll ask him myself...

Cuts to inside the simulation room, where Simmons is seen working on the jeep.

Sarge: Simmons! There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!

Simmons: Really? Sorry, sir. I was just down here working on the jeep prototype. I know you really want to see it built, and we need to work on a few bugs in the design.

Sarge: A few bugs?

Simmons: Yeah, you know, like the fact it stalls every time we fire the magnetic cannon, because you based it on an EMP.

Sarge: Oh, right!

Simmons: Kind of a critical flaw, if you don't mind me saying.

Sarge: Oh, I don't mind you saying! Feedback is important.

Simmons: It's just that sometimes I feel bad criticizing your work... you know, because you're in charge and all.

Sarge: Simmons, there's no reason to feel that way! You're a valuable member of the team! I always find your feedback to be both insightful, and appropriate.

Simmons: ...Really?

Sarge: I know I can be rough sometimes, but that's only because it's hard being the leader! You know, dealing with those dirty Blues and that lousy Grif character all the time!

Simmons: He is lazy, sir.

Sarge: I don't mean to complain, but sometimes... I just... need a friend... Simmons, we’ve been working together a long time. I hope I can call you a friend. And that you can call me... the same.

Simmons: Gosh, sir, I don't know what to say! If it's okay with you, I would really like it if I could just call you “dad.”

The real Sarge suddenly appears at the top level of the simulation room.

Sarge: Simmons, are you down here?

Simmons: [shocked] What? Yes! I mean... yes! Give me a second, don't come in!

Sarge: What the hell are you doing?

Simmons: Nothing! I was just working on your jeep design and—

Sarge: What? Stay away from my jeep! It's perfect! You'll just mess it up!

Simmons: (sighs) Yes, sir.

Sarge: And who are you talking to?

Simmons sighs again as he turns to the simulated Sarge standing nearby him. A blue glow emits from below the simulated Sarge and he vanishes immediately.

Simmons: (sighs) [dejectedly] Nobody.

Sarge: Well, get upstairs on the pronto! We need to have a meeting! And I need someone to agree with me.

Simmons: Do you want to brief me on the details first, so I know what I'll be agreeing to?

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Sarge: Oh yeah, I'll get riiiight on that. Send you a memo.

Simmons: Really? Because I’ve been working on the template and I think it's ready to—

Sarge: No! Of course not! Why the hell would I do that? What, did you get exposed to radiation or something down here? (leaves room) That boy's gone crazy...

Simmons: I like my digital life so much more than my stupid real life.

A simulated Grif appears.

Holo-Grif: I love boners!

Simmons: (follows after Sarge) Shut up, fake Grif.

Cuts to outside the entrance of the Red Base. Grif, Ash and Sarge are watching Simmons approach.

"Finally!" Sarge says. "Maybe now we can get started!"

"Yes, please." Ash says. "I'm kinda busy trying to build a new weapon."

"What's your problem?" Grif asks Simmons.

"Nothing." Simmons says as he turns away. "Leave me alone."

Sarge starts. "Men, as you know, the Blues have been erased from Command records, for some unknown reason."

"Unknown, sir?" Simmons asks. "We're the ones that did it!"

"You can't prove that." Sarge says.

"I think we can--"

Grif interrupts. "Prove it to who?"

Simmons continues. "--because we're the ones that did it."

"Allegedly." Sarge says.

"Not allegedly. You told me to do it, and I did it."

"Reportedly." Sarge starts. "Let's not go accusing people and inviting a lawsuit until we know the facts!"

"Who's gonna sue us?" Grif asks. "Us? We're gonna--wait, we're gonna sue ourselves?"

"I'm going to defer this conversation to my legal team." Sarge looks to Ash.

"I didn't see a thing." Ash states.

"So that means the staff meeting is over?" Grif asks.

"No!" Sarge says.

"Why not?" 

"We have too much to discuss!" Sarge turns to Simmons. "Isn't that right, Simmons?"

Simmons sighs. "Absolutely, sir. No one has ever been more right than you."

Grif looks at Simmons. "Wow, someone's phoning it in."

Sarge continues. "If the Blues aren't in Command's database, that means even if we destroy them in a resounding victory, it still won't count as a win! It's like we didn't even beat anybody!"

"Hey, that's right! I never thought about that, sir!" Grif says.

"Wow, we must get them back in!" Ash says.

"Meh, Whatever." Simmons says.

Sarge continues. "So that means, we can't kill the Blues."

"Exactly." Grif starts. "Because if we defeated them, it won't even count. And that's the best part about winning a war: getting the points."

"Bingo!"

"No, why would we try to win, it's only what we're supposed to do." Simmons says without enthusiasm.

"We need to find a way to get them back into the database first." Sarge says.

Grif: So, your plan is to hold off our attack until our superior officers take notice of one of the teams in this canyon? And, notice them well enough to actually go out of their way and add them back into the database? Or, do anything at all in any way to formally recognize us in an official capacity?

Sarge: You got it.

Grif: This is probably the single greatest plan I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Simmons: You would think that, kiss-ass.

Sarge: Simmons! Can it! And thank-you, Private... ugh... Grif? Urgh!

Grif: You're... welcome? Am I... saying that right?

"This is making my head hurt." Ash says.

Sarge: So! Our first order of business should be to fortify our own team! Get ready for the big battle! Let's get Donut back on his feet.

They all turn to where Donut previously was, but he is gone.

Grif: Hey, where's Donut?

Sarge: Simmons, where'd he go!?

Simmons: How would I know?

Sarge: Keeping track of Donut is one of yer duties!

Grif: Oohhoohoo, busted!

Simmons: Meh, who cares.

Cuts to Caboose inside the Blue Base. He is still talking to the Epsilon unit. The camera slowly zooms out from Caboose as he is speaking.

Caboose: And then there was the time we turned all of our armor black, because Tex was captured. You remember her. I told you all about her. It was a crazy adventure. Then there was another time when she helped us break into O’Malley's fortress.

The camera slowly pans to the right, revealing Donut standing right behind Caboose.

Caboose: Didn't I tell you that one already? (suddenly glances up) Hey! Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched by someone? (after a brief silence) Donut, I'm asking you a question.

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07-13-2022

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