Chapter 120: Recreation: Bon Voyage

Ash is next to Grif.

"Get these water cans cleaned up while we're gone." Sarge orders. "How much water do you need to drink, Donut?"

"I was in a desert, don't judge me!" Donut states.

"Maybe we should learn from that and bring some water ourselves." Grif suggests.

"Nonsense." Sarge says to Grif. "It'll just slow us down."

"Slow us down more than dehydration? Or death... by dehydration?"

"I don't know, smartass. Let's say we try! I'll kill ya, and then I'll dry ya out! Who wants Grif-jerky?"

"Oh, oh, oh Me!" Ash yells. 

"Ah, no thanks, I already had Donuts for breakfast." Caboose says.

"Wait, what?" Grif asks.

"All right, let's get going." Sarge orders. "Everybody packed?"

"Yup." Caboose says.

"Where's your stuff?" Grif asks.

Caboose looks at Grif. "Oh, I only carry a washcloth and six toothbrushes."

"I'm gonna assume that makes sense to you."

"Yeah, it does."

"Yeah, I thought so. We'll just go ahead and leave that one alone."

"I'm only bringing a couple of grenades." Ash says. "And the most important thing is in my helmet."

"Grif! Why'd you pack so much?" Sarge asks.

"Me?" Grif asks. "I only did one duffle."

"Well, what are all these cases?" Sarge asks.

"Those are mine!" Donut informs.

"Donut, you're going with us?" 

"No. But I wasn't gonna let you guys have all the packing fun to yourselves! That's the best part of going on vacation. I mean, besides airport security's full cavity search--"

Grif interrupts. "Time to go!" He walks over to the Warthog.

"Now, Lopez, I want you to take good care of Simmons and Donut while we're gone."

Lopez: ¿Yo? [Me?]

Sarge: Feed them every day.

Lopez: ¿Comen Sin Plomo, o Súper Sin Plomo? [Do they eat Unleaded? Or Super Unleaded?]

Sarge: Exactly. And don't forget to let them out in the yard every now and then.

Donut: I love yard-time—

Simmons: Goodbye!

Sarge: If we don't make it back from the mission, bury me and Grif as far away as possible. I don't want to get any corpse cooties.

Grif: Why do you assume I'll be dead?

There's complete silence 

Grif: ...Never mind.

Tejano music begins playing as Sarge runs for the jeep

Sarge: All aboard! Let's get this show on the road!

Caboose follows Sarge inside the jeep and takes the turret. Ash hops on top of the Warthog.

Sarge: Hey, be careful with the new gun. It hasn't passed any real world testing yet.

Simmons: It hasn't passed any fake world testing. It's passed zero tests.

Sarge: Which means the enemy can't possibly know about it. We've got the initiative.

Simmons: [quietly] Yeah, we got something. Big dummy.

Sarge: We'll be back as soon as we help the Blue. And then we'll kill him.

Caboose: Guys, I really appreciate this.

Sarge: See you soon! Try not to get into any trouble!

The Warthog drives into the water and vanishes, leaving behind only a trail of bubbles.

Caboose: Are we there yet?

Sarge: No.

Grif: Shut up.

"Roadtrip!" Ash yells.

Donut: Good luck!

Lopez: ¿Acaban de conducir dentro del agua? [Did they just drive into the water?]

Simmons runs off

Donut: Hey, where are you goin'?

Simmons: To blow up Blue Base.

Donut: Ohh, I think that's what Sarge meant by "get into trouble!"

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Simmons: (flies off on the man cannon) I don't give a fuck!

Cuts to a beach. The Tejano music is playing, but blurred, and it becomes clear as the Warthog emerges from the water.

"Can we stop again?" Caboose asks. "I have to pee."

"Really?" Ash says.

"Again?!" Grif asks.

"Well, my suit leaked, and I had to drink a lot on the way here." Caboose explains.

Caboose hops off the gunner spot and runs towards some trees. Ash hops off the roof of the car.

"A lot." Caboose says.

Grif and Sarge hop out of the car.

"Look, Grif, Ash!" Sarge starts. "Sand."

"Yeah, we're on a beach." Grif says.

"I like beaches." Ash states.

"Donut said there was sand." Sarge says. "That means we're on the right track."

"You know what else he told us?" Grif asks. "The coordinates to where we're going."

Caboose walks back to the car.

"Another clue!" Sarge exclaims. 

"That's not a clue! There's no mystery!"

"You're just not believing hard enough Grif!" Ash says.

"We're driving there!" Grif yells to Ash.

"C'mon, let's get going." Sarge says. "Before the trail gets cold."

"I have to use the bathroom again." Caboose says.

Cut to Valhalla. Donut and Lopez are standing atop a hill.

Donut: Lopez, Simmons has been gone a really long time.

Lopez: No me importa. [I don't care.]

Donut: If Simmons blows up Blue Base, Sarge is gonna be really mad.

Lopez: Sí. Él es estúpido como eso. [Yes. He is stupid like that.]

Donut: I'm worried about him...

Lopez: Sí. Porque tú eres estúpido como eso. [Yes. Because you are stupid like that.]

Donut: I think I'm gonna go over there and check on him. (runs off)

Lopez: Lo que sea. [Whatever.]

Cut to Sandtrap, where the other four are driving. The Warthog flips through the air. Ash somehow stays on the roof of the car.

Sarge: (inhales) Yee-haw! (coughs; the Warthog lands and continues on like normal.) I told you not to take jumps bigger than my yee-haws! It makes me look bad!

Grif: Okay. This looks like it.

Sarge: Be careful, Grif. We don't want to get spotted.

Intercom: Halt. Do not go any further.

Caboose: I think we've been spotted.

Sarge: Watch it, Grif!

Intercom: You are attempting to access a restricted area, and you have entered a mine field.

The Warthog ceases movement.

Grif: A what?

Intercom: A mine field, you idiot.

Caboose: Your field? Who says this is your field—You can't own a field!

Grif: Caboose, not his field! A mine field!

Sarge: You know, the Native American culture said the Earth doesn't belong to us. We belong to it.

Grif: Guys, he means explosives!

Caboose, Sarge: Ohhh.

"That's the best kind of field!" Ash yells.

An explosion goes off.

Sarge: Oh!

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07-14-2022

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