Chapter 121: Recreation: Directions

Fade in to Simmons standing inside the Blue Base at Valhalla.

Simmons: What the hell is all this stuff?

Donut: (enters) Oh, there you are! Did you blow up the base yet?

Simmons: Look at this mess, Donut. It's like he wrecked the place.

Donut: Oh yeah, that's Caboose's project.

Simmons: This is what he's been working on?

Donut: He's trying to rebuild a body for that blue buddy of his. ...eh, looks like a piece is missing though.

Simmons: For the dead guy. Gimme a break. No wonder no one ever wins this war. We’re all doing stuff like building lame robots.

Simmons turns around to see Lopez standing behind him.

Simmons: Oh, hey... Lopez. Uh, I didn't mean you, I meant other... robots...

Lopez takes off.

Donut: That was kind of racist.

Simmons: (chases after Lopez) That's not true! I have all kinds of mechanical friends!

Cuts to Sandtrap. The camera zooms out slowly from the side of an Elephant.

Intercom announcer: Just... just give me the microphone. [over the intercom] Do not, under any circumstances, move. You have entered an active mine field.

Ash is next to Sarge.

"Does thinking count as moving?" Caboose asks. "Because if it does, I think I might have moved- oh! - I did it again."

"SHUT UP, Caboose!" Grif yells.

"Well, I don't want to get exploded."

"How do we get out of here?" Sarge asks.

"Blow up the mine field?" Ash asks.

"We will guide you out." The intercom person says.

"Great." Sarge says. "We'll just wait for you to come out here, then."

"What? No - fuck that, listen - we're not coming out there, ok? Hang tight. We're going to pull up the schematics - be right back. Don't move."

"Grif!" Sarge yells. "What were you thinking, driving us straight into a minefield?"

"Me?!" Grif starts. "You were in the passenger seat! That makes you the navigator."

"What are you talking about?"

"Everybody knows that, you're in charge of directions."

"No! The shotgun seat is reserved for the position of respect. And for people who carry shotguns." Sarge holds up his shotgun. "See?" He makes a clicking noise. "Quid pro quo. Now Grif, here's the plan. You walk in front of us, very slowly."

"No." Grif says.

Sarge continues. "If you hear anything that sounds like a small metallic click. Or feels like your legs are being blown off - just say 'found one'"

"No."

"That sounds like an amazing idea!" Ash says.

"You're insane." Grif says.

"We've already established that a long time ago."

Caboose speaks up. "Oh - I think I just thought about something again."

"All three of you, shut up." Sarge orders. "We need to think a way out of this mess."

"You mean the mess you navigated us into?" Grif says.

Sarge: How about I come over there and navigate my fist through your forehead!?

Grif: (glances around) Pft. Okay, bring it. Just stroll on over here across the mine field and beat me to death.

Sarge: Maybe I will.

Grif: Bring it!

Intercom announcer: Look, we can hear you talking. Do not move! Kay? Seriously!

Sarge: Grr.

Caboose: It's not my fault. I'm not moving. I'm not even thinking about moving.

Grif: Sarge, since we may not make it out of this, maybe there's a few things I should tell you. You know. Since you can't reach me.

Sarge: Grif...

Grif: Like the reason why I never listen to you. Or never follow your orders. And why I don't think anything you say is ever important.

Sarge angrily grumbles.

"Grif, I don't think what you're doing is a good idea." Ash says.

"Shut it, Ash." Grif says and he turns to Sarge. " But I want you to understand, Sarge. It's not because I'm lazy. It's because I don't like you. Or respect you. In any way. I have no positive feelings for you."

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Sarge reloads his shotgun.

Grif: Now I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect—

Sarge shoots the shotgun. Grif is unharmed.

Grif: --who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has an effective range much shorter than most weapons, but I think since we’re gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.

Intercom announcer: All right. I'm back. Ready? We’re gonna guide you out of there.

Grif: (laughs nervously) You know I was kidding, right?

"Dumbass." Ash mumbles.

Cuts back to Valhalla. Lopez is walking away from the Blue Base. Simmons catches up to him.

Simmons: Hey Lopez! Wait up! Hey man, I need some explosives.

Lopez doesn’t reply.

Simmons: To blow up Blue Base? You know... did Sarge give you the key to the weapon locker?

Lopez: Sí.

Simmons: Okay. I need about 50 kilos of plastic explosives. Technically five should do it, but I really want to blow the fuck out of that thing. Can you go get it for me?

Lopez: Voy a mirar en eso. [I will look into that.] (doesn’t move)

Simmons: Uh... I need it right now?

Lopez: Sí. Yo lo haré al tiro. Mírame ir. [Yes. I'll get right on it. Look at me go.]

Simmons: Hmm. You don't seem to be moving.

Lopez: Sí.

Simmons: This is about that robot comment, isn't it.

Lopez: Tal vez. [Maybe.]

Cuts back to Sandtrap, at the Elephant.

Intercom announcer: Okay, gentlemen. Here's how we’re going to do this. We'll guide the three guys in front out, and you in the jeep, just follow them.

Grif: Okay!

Caboose: Uh, I'm scared.

"I feel so alive!" Ash yells as he laughs.

Intercom announcer: All right. Start by taking two steps forward and then turn to your right.

Sarge: A step ain’t exactly a standard measurement, buddy.

Intercom announcer: Just a step.

Sarge: Yeah, I get it! But what's a step? Like this? (takes two steps forward, then two back) Or this? (sprints forward – right into a mine that explodes; Sarge jumps back, unharmed) Whoa!

Intercom announcer: Just a step!!

Sarge: [quickly] Okay, no problem, just a step!

Intercom announcer: All right. Now, walk four steps to your right.

Sarge: You mean our right?

Intercom announcer: Yes.

Caboose: Our-our right? Or your-our right?

Intercom announcer: There is no “my-your right!”

Sarge: Is left north to you? Or is it... or, on the compass, which way?

Caboose: Uhh, what about—

Intercom announcer: Just walk to your right!!

Sarge, Ash Caboose walk to the left, only to rush back seconds later.

Intercom announcer: No!!

A mine goes off.

Sarge, Ash, Caboose: Sorry!

Grif: You know what? I just can't take this anymore. Fuck it.

Grif drives off. Sarge, Ash Caboose start running.

Intercom announcer: Yeah, uh, fuck it, just run!

Hordes of explosions come out of nowhere.

Sarge: Son of a—

More explosions occur.

"WEEEE!" Ash yells. "I FEEL SO ALIVE!"

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