Chapter 133: Revelations: For Those of You Just Joining Us…

Fade in to Doc in Valhalla, and radio sounds

Doc: Come in Command. Come in Command, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have arrived at Freelancer Program Simulation Outpost Seventeen. Command? Come in? Come in, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have reached FPS Outpost 17.

Simmons: Hey, down here, we're over here! Hey, come down here!

Doc: Never mind Command, I think I see the objective. Stupid radio doesn't work anyway. What else is new.

Doc runs down to Simmons and a dead Donut

Doc: Holy cow, Simmons! Is that you?

Simmons: Oh, hey Doc. Man, I didn't know they'd send you.

Doc: Yeah, we got the radio call and I was the closest medic so they sent me. But I didn't know it'd be you guys! Small galaxy, huh? Man, we got a lotta catching up to do. So what's up, somebody hurt or what? What's going on?

Simmons: Him.

Doc: Him? Um, he's dead.

Simmons: Yeah, he is. He was shot.

Doc: Um, Simmons, I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, and I have increased my skill as a medic in that time, but dead is still pretty much outside my jurisdiction.

Simmons: Man, I just didn't know they'd send you.

Doc: Yeah, you said that already. Hey is everything okay with you?

Simmons: It's not my fault Doc, I- I had to make the call, they made me. They needed someone with medical training.

Doc: What're you talkin' about?

Simmons: I didn't mean for you to get involved, I'm sorry, really.

Doc: Sorry about what?

Doc turns around and sees Wash and the Meta

Doc: Uh oh.

Washington: He's sorry about us.

The Meta hits Doc and screen turns black. 

Cut to Grif looking at a desert field with Tucker approaching him.

Tucker: Hey Grif, what's up?

Grif: Hm? Oh. Hey Tucker.

Tucker: What're you doing?

Grif: Well, Sarge told me to bury all the bodies from our battle...

Tucker: That's a lotta graves. Lotta holes to fill. Bow chicka bow wow.

Grif: And now I can't find 'em, because the bodies were piled up over here, by these stone pillars, and then the wind came and blew sand all over the damn things.

Tucker: So I guess they're already buried. Good job dude.

Grif: I like the way you think.

Sarge and Ash approach both of them.

"Grif, what the hell are you doing up here?" Sarge asks. "I thought I told you to bury those... bodies. What?"

"He did, he buried the shit out of them, look." Tucker says.

"Grif did work?" Ash asks. "What has this world come to?"

"I only gave you that order five minutes ago." Sarge says to Grif. "How'd you do it so fast?" He then looks to Tucker. "Did you help him?"

"Help him?" Tucker asks. "Dude, we've been fighting for like eight years, haven't you learned anything about me yet? I'm a lover, not a digger."

"Yeheah, maybe he woulda helped me if some of the bodies were dead ladies." Grif says.

Tucker, Ash and Sarge stare at Grif in silence.

"And I realize that sounded a lot creepier than what I intended." Grif says.

"Well, does someone wanna say a few words?" Sarge asks.

"Words?"

"Yes, these men were soldiers. Even if they were enemy soldiers, they still deserve a eulogy."

"Well don't look at me, I'm a lover not a talker." Tucker says. He turns to Grif. "Hey, dude, you wanna make another sex with dead people joke?"

"No, I think I hit my quota." Grif says.

Tucker and Grif look to Ash.

"Huh?" Ash starts. "Oh, uh......" Ash turns towards the sand and clears his throat. "They fought honorably, and died fast. When they exploded by my rockets their bodies flew high and far. It was so amazing I should write a song about it. Called 'You fly high enemy soldier.' And then I will put the song on a rocket and launch it into space and blow up a planet." Ash chuckles.

The three others stare at him.

"Dude, you are one scary motherfucker." Tucker says.

"Yeah, I know." Ash says.

Sarge turns to Tucker. "Well what about your buddy mister cult leader?"

Cut to Church hovering around a rock with aliens in tow.

Church: So, then was one guy, said some things to another guy, and the people liked it. And that's pretty much that.

"It's not his fault, those aliens just worship this ancient technology." Tucker explains. "And the people who made it. Huh huh what's a brother gonna do?"

"Who in Sam Hell worships technology?" Sarge says.

"Insane people." Ash says.

"Are they from the Internet?" Grif asks.

Caboose comes from behind the rock following the aliens.

Caboose: Yes, this is just very interesting. I understand everything that is being said. Good.

Tucker: Caboose, what're you doing, get outta there.

Caboose stands in front of Tucker and the others.

"It's not fair!" Caboose complains. "Hya- I worshiped Church, way before it was cool to worship him."

"Hey, I already told you, that's still not cool." Grif tells Caboose. "That will never, be cool. Ever."

Epsilon floats over.

"Oh hey there guys." Epsilon greets. "How's life among all the non-deities? Pretty lame, I bet! Pretty sure none of you've been worshiped all day long today. Weak!"

"I'm gonna eat him." Ash says to the others.

"Do ya think you guys might be milkin' this just a bit?" Sarge asks.

Tucker looks at Sarge. "Hey, do you want to tell the big group of deadly aliens that they're mistaken and he's not who they think he is?"

"Hm, I see your point." He turns to Epsilon. "Hey. your circular holiness! How 'about delivering a eulogy? We're buryin' most of these guys 'cause of you anyway."

"Me?" Epsilon asks. "I only lasered one guy."

"Which was awesome." Caboose says.

"I know it was, right?"

"So cool. The laser came out of your face.

"Have you been able to figure out how you did that yet?" Tucker asks.

"No, I think it's just because I got really mad." Epsilon explains. "Hey, say something to make me angry. See if it happens again."

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"You're ugly and nobody likes you." Tucker Insults.

"You're annoying and your team sucks." Grif Insults.

"You're a shitty leader and you're now a melon." Ash Insults.

"You're round and you can't wear pants." Caboose tries to Insult.

"You guys came up with all that really quickly." Epsilon says.

"Eh, it pays to be prepared." Tucker says. "Did it work? Are you pissed?"

"No, I think I'm actually kinda depressed now." Epsilon explains. "Caboose is right. I can't wear pants."

"Well I only said it because everyone is thinking it." Caboose explains.

"Maybe mad makes a red laser, and depressed'll make a blue laser." Tucker says.

"Well I hope we don't find out what makes a brown laser." 

"You idiots shit up." Sarge orders the other three. He turns to Epsilon. "Hey Globey, you makin' a speech or ain't ya?"

"Hey sure no problem." Epsilon says. "I did a sermon just the other day that the aliens loved."

Epsilon floats up next to the Reds and Tucker.

"Sermon?" Tucker asks. "You just read them the setup guide to our Inkjet printer."

Epsilon: Yeah, and they eat that gadget stuff up. You gotta know your audience buddy.

Grif: How is it possible that ever since Caboose revived you, you can't remember anything except how to be a jackass?

Tucker: Some things are hardwired.

Tucker and the Reds join Caboose and the Aliens.

Epsilon: Attention true believers. And... other people. We are here today to pay our final, and our first, respects, to the dearly departed. But first, I'd like you all to join me in a song, in honor of me. Hm. I am the best.

Sarge, Ash, and Grif: Skip it.

Epsilon: Fine. Okay, uh, in the beginning, there was darkness. And uh, and out from the darkness came a voice. And it said...

Epsilon sees an armored figure in the distance.

Epsilon: And it said... Uh... Uh-out- out from the darkness came... Out from the darkness...

Grif: Is his playback skipping?

Tucker: I don't know.

Sarge: Maybe he needs a reboot. Good thing I wore my boots. I'll reboot him right in the keister. Hheh heh.

"Turn him off and on again." Ash says.

Epsilon: Out from the darkness came uh, someone. I'll be right back.

Epsilon floats away in the direction of the armored figure.

Tucker: Uh oh, the natives are getting restless. Caboose, get up there and stall 'em, I'll figure out what's going on.

Tucker chases after Epsilon and Caboose stands in front of the Aliens.

Caboose: Yes, and out of the darkness came someone!And that someone was me! Yes. And I said, funerals are sad, and we should have a birthday party instead, yes! Yes, let there be cake! Um, hallelujah, gesundheit.

Cut to Epsilon chasing the unknown figure.

Epsilon: Hey you! Hold on a second, who are you? Hey I'm talkin' to you, what are you deaf? What are you...

The figure runs into a temple, which suddenly turns into blue base from Valhalla.

Epsilon: What?

Tucker: Church! Hey Church, what're you doing out here man?

Epsilon: Hu-whu?

Tucker approaches behind him.

Tucker: The aliens don't like it when you leave them alone. And I don't like it when the aliens don't like stuff.

Epsilon: Did you see him?

Tucker: Who?

Epsilon: The person, from the darkness, the- no, th- that's not right, that's not right. Well did you see?

Sarge, Ash, and Grif approach them.

"What's he talkin' about?" Sarge asks.

"I think he's having another memory flash." Tucker explains.

"A what?"

"Random memories that keep coming back to him." Tucker explains.

"Oh, I get those." Ash says. "But they're really painful when I get them. Except for the ones with that female." The Ash whispers. "Why do I feel a connection to her?"

Tucker continues. "He's been getting 'em more and more lately and I don't think he has any control over 'em. He gets all emo too, it's annoying. Like having a chick around, but without all the fin parts of having a chick around. Like bonin'!"

"You should take out his memory unit and blow on it." Sarge says. "That'll fix it."

"But he is the memory unit." Ash says.

Caboose comes over.

"Is he having more memories?" Caboose asks.

"Yep." Tucker says.

"Did he remember me this time?"

"Nope."

"I saw a canyon, and uh, a waterfall." Epsilon says. "And there was some kinda dark figure there."

"Was the dark figure me?" Caboose asks.

"Caboose, we will let you know if you come up, I promise." Tucker says. Then he turns to Epsilon. "A waterfall, huh? That's the second time you've talked about that."

"Yeah, but where could that be?" Epsilon asks.

Sarge walks away from the group.

"Uh, that sounds like our new bases." Grif explains.

"It does?" Caboose asks. "It does!"

"What?" Tucker is confused. "Caboose, why didn't you mention that the first time?"

"Um, I didn't remember it?"

"You didn't remember a waterfall? Dude, that's like not remembering your first girlfriend turned out to have a dick." He turns to Grif. "Right Grif?"

"Sometimes I'm sorry I even told you that story." Grif says.

"Now I want to know." Ash says.

"I'll tell you later." Tucker says to Ash.

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07-15-2022

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