Chapter 200: S.O.S

A machine whirs from within the cavern and noises arise in the background. Caboose can also be heard

Caboose: It's alive. It's alive! He's ali- Aw, now it's dead. (short pause) No, it's alive again! Oh, thank God that was close.

Cut to black. Fade in and pan to a shot of Tucker and Washington repairing on the comm tower

Tucker: Ok, how about now?

Washington: (hits radio twice) Nothing.

Tucker: Hold on. (short pause) Ok, try it again.

Washington: (hits radio) Still nothing.

Tucker: Balls.

Washington: Hey, what exactly are you doing down there?

Tucker: Oh, you know.... Calibrating.

Washington: ...Calibrating.

Tucker: Yeah.

Washington: ...You haven't done anything, have you?

Tucker: Dude, I don't know what I'm doing or why you sent me down here.

Washington: Right. Guess I should have expected that.

Tucker: Hey Wash, I think we got a situation.

Washington: What kind of- (looks down and sees Red Team) ...Oh.

"Good to see you too." Grif says.

"Si vulgaire." Ash says.

"What do you want?" Wash ask them.

Figured it be a good idea to come over and lend a hand." Sarge says.

"No, that's a terrible idea. Please don't touch anything." Wash says.

"But we could provide tech support!" Simmons states.

"Have you tried using any D batteries?" Sarge asks.

"They may be expensive, but they work." Ash says.

"Power isn't our problem." Wash says. "These battery arrays are solar."

"Well, there's your problem." Sarge says. "This baby needs to be converted to diesel on the pronto!"

"Solar is field-standard for communication systems."

"Well ooh-la-la, Private Hippy! Hey, I got an idea; why don't we just plant a garden in? Grow some organic sun-dried tomatoes, and open a farmer's market. Then on the first Saturday of the month, when the UNSC ships show up to buy some fresh sustainable produce, we just hop on board and ride back on the power of love!" Sarge rants.

"...Tucker, if they touch anything, or if he makes any more suggestions, prod them with your sword." Wash says.

Tucker: Ha ha, now that's something I can get behind! Bowchickaboww- Wait, no! No no no no no!

Wash turns to Ash. "Minne, let me borrow Xi."

"For how long?" Ash asks.

"I-I don't know, how ever long it takes to get this thing working."

Xi pops up and Ash's shoulder and he looks to her then back to Wash. "No." Ash says and Xi disappears.

"What do you mean no?" Wash asks.

"I said no." 

"But-"

"No, Wash." Ash says with aggression.

"...Ok, then."

"So then do you want help from our incredibly advanced robotic companion?" Sarge asks as he motions to Lopez 2.0

Lopez 2.0: Hola. [Hello.]

Washington: Nope!

In the background

Grif: Racist!

In the foreground

Sarge: Hey tree-hugger, what if I told you it runs on recycled cooking grease? It's perfect. Grif sweats the stuff.

Grif: What else was I supposed to drink once we ran out of soda?

Simmons: There's always water.

Grif: Please, what are we, cavemen?

"I mean you are." Ash says.

Washington: I said no.

Lopez 2.0: ¿Seguro que no quieres ayuda? Esto parece un trabajo relativamente simple.[Are you sure you don't want help? This looks like a relatively simple fix.]

Tucker: Whoa, is that Lopez?!

Simmons: Not exactly. (whispers) This one isn't very smart.

Lopez 2.0: En serio chicos, estoy viendo el problema. Lo puedo arreglar justo ahora.[Seriously guys, I'm looking at the problem. I can fix it right now.]

"Que dit-il?" Ash asks

Tucker: How can you tell?

Sarge: Oh, a mother knows.

Lopez 2.0: Bueno, si nadie me va a detener, voy a arreglar su torre de radio.[Okay, if no one is going to stop me, I'm going to fix your radio tower.]

Lopez 2.0 walks towards the base of the comm tower.

Washington: Why don't you four go check on our food supply? It's been a while since I've done a full inventory.

Simmons: You can't shove your bitch work on us! What do we look like?

Tucker: Uhhhh... Bitches?

Wash: Tucker, I want 100 squats.

Tucker: What? But it was leg day yesterday!

Wash: You are a space marine, private. Everyday is leg day.

After a moment of doubt, Tucker starts doing squats.

Tucker: This is bullshit.

Ash laughs at Tucker.

Grif: Ha! Who is the bitch now?

Tucker: Your sister was my bitch if I remember correctly.

Grif: What did you say to me, bitch?

Wash: No one is a bitch, now both of you be quiet.

Grif: .... Simmons is kind of a bitch.

Simmons: Hey! What the fuck?!

Sarge: Ah, can it Private Bitch.

Simmons: (sulks) Yes, sir.

Tucker and Grif: Bitch.

Washington: I said be quiet!

Wash punches the radio box. The radio tunes up.

Grif: Holy shit.

Washington: It's working. I-I don't know what I did but it's working!

Lopez 2.0 emerges from under the comm tower.

Lopez 2.0: ¡Camaradas! ¡He reparado la torre de radio! ¿Están satisfechos con mi trabajo?[Comrades! I have repaired the radio tower! Are you pleased with my performance?]

Sarge: Lopez, you're ruining the moment.

Washington: Mayday, mayday, this is Agent Washington, can anyone read me? Over.

No response.

Grif: ... Maybe they're screening our calls.

Simmons: What do mean "they"? Who's "they"?

Grif: I dunno, people who know us?

Simmons: What?

Grif: Look, I wouldn't pick up the phone if any of you fuckers called me.

Washington: Mayday, mayday, we are survivors of a shipwreck, and are in need of immediate rescue, please respond.

Tucker: Don't call them back right away, you gotta wait, or else you'll look desperate.

Simmons: But we are desperate!

Washington: EVERYONE SHUT UP!

Grif: Woah...

Washington: Mayday, mayday, this is Agent Washington and Agent Minnesota and the red and blue troopers of Project Freelancer! We are stranded, does anyone copy?

No response.

Washington: Mayday, this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier.

No response.

Washington: Is anybody out there?

No response.

Washington: Can anybody hear me?!

A voice can faintly be heard on the radio.

Voice: ... Hello? is someone there?

You are reading story The Weapons Guy at novel35.com

Washington: Yes! Yes, we're here! Do you read us?

Voice: .....Hello....is this...prank call.....

Washington: No no no no, this is real, please you have to listen to me! My men and I are shipwrecked!

Simmons: Its an emergency!

Grif: Black Hawk down!

Sarge: Code Red!

Voice: What? Like a lightish red?

Everyone pauses for a short moment taking in what the voice just said

Tucker: What the fuck did he just say?

Voice: Cause I mean, red is a pretty broad spectrum. There's scarlet, vermilion, like a deep burgundy.

Sarge approaches the radio

Sarge: Donut, Is that you?!

Donut: Sarge? Oh hey guys, what have you all been up to?

Sarge: We're stranded in the middle of the jungle with dwindling food and limited supplies.

Donut: That sucks.

In the background

Grif: No shit, dickhead!

In the foreground

Sarge: Donut, I need you to listen to me. You need to send help. Call command.

Donut: Command? I think I know a guy if you want to turn this call into a three way.

Sarge: No...Don't do that. I need you to write down these coordinates

Washington turns to talk to the Reds

Washington: Who is Donut again?

Simmons: Cheery guy. Pink armor.

Grif: Kind of stupid.

"Says very weird things." Ash says.

Tucker: And a little-

Washington: Wait, did I shoot him once?

Grif: Bingo.

Washington: Got it. And he's competent enough to trust with our lives?

Cut to Sarge and the radio

Donut: Sorry, did you say 'five' or 'nine'?

Sarge: I said eight.

Donut: Oh.

Cut back to Washington

Washington: Right...

Washington walks back over to Sarge

Washington: Okay, Donut, those are our last known coordinates but be sure to let the rescue team know that we've got no clue where we actually landed.

Donut: Don't worry guys! No matter how deep the bush, Private Donut always finds his man.

Sarge and Washington both look at each other nervously

Sarge: Roger that son.

Radio static cuts in

Donut: What was that? Your breaking up.

Washington: Just send help as fast as you can.

Donut: Okey dokey!

The radio loses connection and everyone goes quiet

Grif: So, what happened?

Sarge: Well boys, I don't want to jinx us or anything like that but... we're gonna be rescued!

"I've got a bad feeling." Ash says.

The Reds and Blues start cheering while Washington looks over from the Comm tower.

In the background.

Simmons: I can't wait to eat a hot dog!

In the foreground.

Washington: Now guys-

Sarge: Theres no possible way anything can go wrong! Everything is going to be good forever!

The group are still celebrating.

Washington: Guys, it can still be a few days before they-

Sarge: Lets eat all the food rations tonight and then fire all of our excess ammunition indiscriminately into the air and celebrate!

The group are still cheering and are shooting their guns in the air.

"I love shooting things!" Ash yells.

Simmons: Then lets fix up that old Warthog that's been hanging near our base!

The group are still cheering then realize what's been said and quiet down with confusion

Simmons: So we can crash it into the other Warthog because 'fuck it'!

The group continue cheering

Washington: Listen, lets not get our hopes up just yet.

Tucker: Aw, come on Wash. Lighten up. We did it, we made contact.

Washington: Well, it is the first good news that we've had in awhile.

Caboose runs over to the group

Caboose: Hey everyone!

Washington: Caboose! Where've you been?

Caboose: Yeah, I went on a walk like you said and now, everything is going to be good, forever!

Sarge: Told ya' so!

Washington: Wait, Caboose, you were miserable, what happened?

Caboose: Oh, where are my manners? I haven't even introduced him

Washington: Introduced who?...

Caboose: FRECKLES! COME! (whistling)

A series of loud, thuddering steps occurs, revealing the machine, the Reds and Blues silently look up slowly at the oncoming machine.

Caboose: EVERYONE, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET FRECKLES! FRECKLES, say hello.

Freckles: Enemy soldiers detected.

Freckles takes aim at Grif and Simmons

Caboose: No, those aren't enemies, Freckles. Those are Grif and Simmons... our enemy.

Freckles: Firing main cannons.

Caboose: No! Bad Freckles! Down!

Freckles: Yes, Master.

Caboose: Bad Freckles...

"Am I not an enemy?" Ash asks.

Xi appears on Ash's shoulder. "Maybe it's A.I.'s data base recognizes you as a Spartan?"

"We may never know." Ash says.

Caboose turns back to the others

Caboose: So, what have you guys been up to?

Grif: Ahh...umm...

"Height is 5.7 meters (19 ft). Its mass is 5.2 metric tons. It has a top speed of 55.5 Kilometers per hour (34.5 mph). It's armaments are a M655 machine gun and a M5920 missile launcher." Ash says.

Everyone looks to Ash.

"Did you guys forget I'm a weapons expert?" Ash asks.

Screen cuts black and fades into a murky, misty forest where Washington's distress signal can be heard playing

Washington: Mayday, mayday, this is Agent Washington and Agent Minnesota and the red and blue troopers of Project Freelancer, we are stranded, does anyone copy?

No response

Washington: Mayday, this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier.

A unknown solider is seen listening to the distress signal

Washington: Is anybody out there?

No response

Washington: Can anybody hear me?

The solider turns slowly and the screen blacks out before his visor is fully seen

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