Chapter 201: Can I Keep It?

Camera shows Tucker and Washington talking to Caboose and Freckles

Tucker: So...

Freckles turns towards Tucker

Tucker: Nevermind.

Washington: Caboose...

Freckles turns towards Wash

Washington: Tell me again, where did you find this...robot?

Caboose: His name is Freckles.

Tucker: That's a stupid name.

Freckles turns guns back at Tucker

Tucker: Stupid-cool I mean! Great name, I mean, I wish that were my name. Yeah, Freckles is the best name ever that there ever was.

Washington: Technically it's a Mantis class military assault droid.

Tucker: Wait, why Mantis?

Washington: Well you see those legs? They kinda resemble the legs of a praying mantis.

Tucker: No they don't.

Washington: Then maybe it's the head shape?

Caboose: Yeah maybe its because during the act of procreation they rip off the head of their mates body and devour it. It's like an act of sexual cannibalism.

Washington: Eww...What?!

Tucker: Eh, I've dated worse.

Caboose: Yeah, I call him Freckles because of the spots on his nose.

Tucker: Well shit, I actually have to give it to Caboose on this one. Robot definitely looks more like a 'Freckles' than a 'Mantis'.

Washington: Fine. Where did you find... Freckles?

Caboose: Well I was walking and I was sad and I missed Church-

Tucker: This is the greatest story of our generation.

Washington: Quiet.

Caboose: And then I heard a noise-

Tucker: Seriously, It's like I was there.

Washington: Tucker.

Caboose: Yeah and then I saw the little guy under like pieces of rock and space ship and body parts, but I just moved them out of the way and then there he was and now we're best friends forever! Right Freckles?

Freckles: Affirmative, Caboose.

Tucker: Great. Boy meets dog. Dog turns out to be a military-grade killing machine from a crashed spaceship.

Washington: Caboose... Um, you know, a pet is a lot of responsiblitlity.

Caboose: That is why I will water him and I will feed him every day.

Tucker: Water and feed? What the hell does this thing run on?!

Caboose: It runs on the power of the friendship of our love!

Tucker: This is so fucked up!

Washington: Didn't you give birth to a baby alien a few years back?

Tucker: Whoa, let's not bring family into this.

Caboose: So, what fun adventures are we going to go on today, Freckles?

Tucker: Ha I'm not doing shit! We're getting rescued soon, remember?

Washington: Actually, I think it would be smart if we continued with our training routine.

Tucker: What?! Why? There's no point.

Washington: Training is an ongoing process, Tucker, and as the leader of this team, I want to make sure that we're ready for anything.

Tucker: This is fucking stupid. Nothing has happened since we crashed here.

Washington: Well, you never know if someone or something will attack. So stop complaining and start jogging.

Washington begins to walk off

Tucker: And where are you going?

Washington: I'm heading up to the ship. Someone needs to do an inventory of our food supplies. I prefer it be someone who can count.

Caboose: I only screwed up twice.

Washington: You screwed up once.

Caboose: Yeah, I don't see your point.

Tucker: So you're just gonna leave me with them?

Washington begins to walk off again

Washington: Five laps gentlemen. Tucker, make sure you count for Caboose.

Tucker: Pfff, yeah right.

Freckles: Disregarding a direct order from a commanding officer is punishable by death.

Tucker: What? Since when?

Freckles: Target locked.

Tucker: Goddamn it. Okay, I'm going.

Tucker runs off

Caboose: And who wants to go outside?! Who wants to go outside?!

No response

Caboose: Who wants to go outside?! Freckles, do you want to go outside?! Outside! Who wants to go outside?! Do I want to go outside? Why do I want to go outside? Lets all go outside!

Background changes to outdoors

Caboose: Oh my god, we're here!

Sniper rifle is zooming in on Caboose and Freckles

Caboose: I'm really good at this game!

Sarge lowers his sniper rifle

Sarge: Heh... Those backstabbers...

Cut to Grif standing alone outside the base with Simmons  approaching him. 

"Hey, Asshole." Simmons says to Grif. "Would it kill you to take out the trash for once?"

Grif looks at Simmons. "Simmons, I've been thinking."

"I don't care! Take out the fucking trash!"

Grif: Why do we carry our guns?

Simmons: What?!

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Grif: Our guns. Why do we carry them?

Simmons: Because we're soldiers.

Grif: Yeah, but we're not really fighting anybody, are we?

Simmons: Well yeah but, you never know when we could be attacked!

Grif: Attacked by who? The Blues?

Simmons: Um...

Grif: We haven't fought a single god damn enemy since arriving in this canyon, and yet here we are walking around in full body armor with a rifle in our hands like the fucking galaxy is about to attack us any second.

Simmons: What's your point?

Grif: My point is, why don't we ever just walk around without our guns?

Long pause

Grif: Do it!

Simmons: What?

Grif: Drop your gun!

Simmons: No!

Grif: Why not?

Simmons: I don't want to!

Grif: You don't want to? Or you can't?

Simmons: Um...um...I'm going back inside.

Simmons runs off to the base

Grif: And thus Dexter Grif single-handedly avoids trash duty for a second day in a row. Hoo-rah.

In the background

Sarge: Men! Fall in! Double time! This is not a drill!

In the foreground

Grif: What the hell?

Simmons: I knew there was a reason why we were armed!

Cut to Grif, Ash, and Simmons running over to Sarge.

"What is it, sir?" Simmons asks.

"What's wrong?" Sarge says. "What's wrong?! How 'bout scheming, training, conniving, commiserating, colluding. Take your pick! Also, building a giant robot. Those Blues are up to no-good!

Grif: And here I was thinking something important was about to happen.

Simmons: But sir, didn't we build a robot first?

Lopez 2.0: ¿Están hablando de mí?[You guys talking about me?]

Sarge: Lopez 2.0 doesn't count. He's about as useful as a box full of Grif's.

"That would be a nightmare." Ash says.

Grif: Hey! I'm offended.

Lopez 2.0: Oh...bien.[Oh... Okay.]

Sarge: Men, I know we have considered the Blues to be our quote "allies" unquote for some time now, but we have to look at the facts.

Simmons: What facts?

Sarge: Number one: they now possess a tank on legs that's capable of killing us all.

"I want one." Ash says.

Simmons: Okay...

Sarge: And number two is that we didn't have our own Number one first! Clearly this is a conspiracy.

Grif: So, what do you expect us to do about it?

Sarge: I need you boys to conduct some reconnaissance. Secure intel. get deep in Charlie's bush. Initiate Delta force! Tango and Cash!

Grif: Are these orders or 80's action movies?

Sarge: Find out exactly what those pesky blues are up to.

Simmons: You mean go over there? Near that monster?

"AWESOME!" Ash yells.

Grif: See! This is exactly the robot overlord shit I was talking about! If only someone had listened!

Sarge: It will be dangerous, but I have confidence that at least one of you will survive! (pause) Simmons.

Grif: Why aren't you coming?

Sarge: We have a major breach in security! One of the bags in my wall tore open and now there's sand all over the place.

Grif: I can see how that might take priority.

Sarge: (sigh) It is likely that we will never recover, there are just so many tiny crevasses!

Simmons: Sarge, please! I don't wanna upset the Mantis!

Grif: What's a Mantis?

Simmons: The giant robot!

Grif: Ah... Why is it called that?

Simmons: I don't know, 'cause it's green? That's not the point!

Sarge: Well that's not a very good reason to call it a Mantis.

Lopez 2.0: Tal vez lo llaman Mantis porque tiene un sistema de camuflaje avanzado que utiliza para atrapar enemigos.[Perhaps they call it Mantis because it has an advanced camouflage system that it uses to ensnare enemies.]

Sarge: Whatever dum-dum. Can't you see we are talking strategy!

Grif: Stupid new Lopez!

Simmons: Look the Blues are no more dangerous than this idiot.

Lopez 2.0: Oye...vamos chicos. Córtenla.[Hey... come on guys. Cut it out.]

Simmons: But that robot could flatten us in an instant.

Sarge: You raise an excellent point Simmons.

Simmons: I do?

Sarge: Yep, so you better not get spotted while you're out there.

Grif starts walking

Grif: Uhh... let's just get this over with.

View of Grif, Ash, and Simmons walking to the Blue base

Simmons: But I'm telling you the Blues aren't up to anything.

Cut to view inside the ship where Wash is walking past a corridor where a sign written: "FOOD REFRIGERATION/ STORAGE" can be seen

Washington: Alright... change of plans.

Fade to black

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