Chapter 202: The Grass Is Greener. The Blues Are Bluer.

Freckles and Caboose are seen standing next to each other. Caboose squats down.

Caboose: No, Freckles, no, Freckles, go down. Like this!

Freckles and Caboose both squat down.

Caboose: Yes, that's a good Freckles! Yes, yes. Tucker! Tucker did you see that!? Freckles did a squat!

Tucker does squats in the foreground.

Tucker: Great. Now teach him to fetch, and then throw a stick off a cliff.

Caboose: Oh, he knows how to fetch. Freckles! Freckles, get the ball!

Caboose throws a ball.

Freckles: Acquiring target.

Freckles aims for and shoots the ball.

Caboose: Uhm, see that - that was just - that was just poor phrasing on my part. Really. I mean I was just, I think I was just grammatically... It was grammatically incorrect. So...

Grif, Ash, and Simmons creep up behind a rock to spy on the Blues.

"Alright, we made it." Grif whispers.

"Yeah." Simmons whispers.

"I like this rock." Ash whispers.

"So, uh, what do we do now?" Simmons asks.

"I guess we just... watch them?" Grif asks. "Ash?"

"Yes, we're gonna sit here and watch them." Ash whispers. 

Grif makes some bored clicking noises. 

"Sooooom this is a waste of time, right?" Simmons asks. "I mean, they're not actually plotting anything."

"I don't know, man." Grif whispers. "But watching two dudes exercise is making me feel really weird."

"This is weird." Ash whispers.

"Ugh, this isn't getting us anywhere." Simmons whispers.

"Well why don't you just ASK them what they're up to?" Grif whispers.

"What, and blow our cover?" 

"What do we look like, Seal Team Six?" Grif asks. "Who gives a shit, dude? You already said they're not up to anything!"

"But what about the robot?" Simmons asks

"Oh. Yeah."

"I bet I can take it down." Ash whispers.

"You think you can take down a walking tank that has missiles and a large machine gun?" Simmons asks.

"Yes." Ash whispers with confidence.

"Your funeral. We need to strategize."

"Okay, fine." Grif agrees. "How do we want to do this?" 

"Oh, we could do like a sort of good cop/bad cop/insane cop thing." Simmons suggests.

"What if we act casual, like we're just shootin' the shit or something?" Grif suggests

"What if we nuke the whole valley." Ash suggests.

"Maybe, if we go in, guns blazing, we can intimidate them into telling us what we want." Simmons suggests.

"Wait... what do we want?" Grif asks.

"I don't know." 

"I want a peaceful life and live in a nice log cabin." Ash says. Grif and Simmons look at Ash. "What? It's what I want."

Tucker appears beside the three crouching Reds.

Tucker: Hey!

Simmons: Gah!

Tucker: What are you doing?

Simmons looks at Ash and Grif then back to Tucker. "Alright, listen Tucker! I'm willing to hear you out, but my partners are CRAAAAZY! I can't hold them back!"

"What?" Tucker is confused.

"I mean, hey, what's up? How's the weather? No, wait, I mean -" He raises his rifle. "TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!" After a few seconds he lowers his rifle. "I'm sorry."

"That's some solid detective work there, Officer Simmons." Grif says.

"Wow, that made me look sane." Ash says.

Tucker speaks up. "Yeeeeah, so if you guys could not watch us work out, that'd be great. Cuz it's a little weird."

"It's REALLY weird." Grif says.

"Sarge ordered us to come spy on you." Simmons explains. "He thinks you're up to something."

"Dude, the only thing I've done today is exercise." Tucker says.

Grif sighs. "You poor, tortured soul."

"What are you training for?" Simmons asks.

"Fuck if I know!" Tucker shouts. "Every day it's the same thing! Wake up, run drills. Clean the base, run drills. Maintain order, run drills. I HAVE GLAMOROUS CALVES AND A MISERABLE FUCKING LIFE! CAN WE PLEASE STOP RUNNING DRILLS! "

"I had calves once." Grif says. "Way more tender than a regular cow. You could taste the youth."

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"I'm pretty damn fit." Ash says.

"Wash makes you clean the base?" Simmons asks Tucker.

"And our equipment. And out vehicles." Tucker says. "The guy's obsessed with rules and order."

Grif is disgusted. "Eugh." He looks to Ash and Simmons. "Could you imagine having to deal with someone like that?"

"Rules and order..." Simmons says longingly. 

"Kinda?" Ash says.

"I know right?" Tucker says. "He's even got an organizational  chart."

Simmons gasps.

"What a loser." Grif says.

"I hate organizational charts." Ash says.

"Um, erm." Simmons coughs. "Yeah, well, uh, that all sounds very interesting, Tucker, bit I think I need to see this for myself."

"What?" Tucker asks.

"What?" Grif asks.

"Quoi?" Ash asks in french. 

"Oh, you know, I just want to make sure his story checks out." Simmons explains. "Inspect the base, stick around for a few days..."

"Checks out?" Grif asks. "What are you going to find inside that we can't already see? The thing is completely exposed! It's empty! It's clean, dude!"

Simmons sighs. "Clean..."

"Are you sure you want to hang around?" Tucker asks. "Wash might make you run his obstacle course or something."

"Yeah, Sarge made us do that, too." Grif says.

Flashback to Grif and Sarge at the obstacle course with Grif at the starting line and Sarge holding a pistol.

Sarge: On your mark, get set...

Grif: This is such bullsh-

Sarge switches to his shotgun and shoots Grif.

Grif: O-how Why?

Sarge: New record.

Bell rings, cut back to Grif, Ash, Simmons, and Tucker.

"Sometimes when I sneeze, buckshot comes out." Grif explains. 

"Look, let me just hang out for a few days." Simmons says. "I'll be cool, I swear."

"Don't lie to the man's face." 

"You cool?" Ash says to Simmons. "Impossible."

"Whatever, dude." Tucker says. "Just remember, I warned you."

Simmons turns to Ash and Grif.

"Well Grif, Ash, I guess this is goodbye."

"Wait, how long are you planning on being gone?" Grif asks.

"Til the job's done, I guess." Simmons says.

"If you leave me along with Grif, I might just strap him to a rocket and send him to space." Ash says. "Are you sure you don't want to come back to base?"

Flashback to Simmons standing at Red Base. Grif walks in.

Grif: Hey, I think I broke the urinal in the laundry room.

Simmons: We don't have a urinal in the laundry room.

Grif: Oh...

Grif walks back off. 

An explosion goes off within the base. 

"Ahhh! My arm!" Ash yells. "Oh, wait. Never mind. It was just my left one."

End flashback.

"Yes. I'm sure." Simmons says.

"Whatever, your funeral." Grif says. "Just remember, if a robot ever corners you, just stick 'em with a magnet."

"Computers haven't been affected by magnets since the twentieth century." 

"Which is exactly what they want you to think."

Grif and Ash walk off.

Simmons: Ahhh... Finally... A place I can call home.

Cut to Caboose and Freckles.

Caboose: Alright, Freckles... Fetch!

Caboose throws a ball, which lands near Simmons. The screen fades to black.

Simmons: Hey, Caboose! You dropped your ball!

Freckles: Acquiring target.

Sound of gunfire and explosions.

Simmons: Ahhh! What did I do?

Caboose: Uh, yeah, sorry, yeah, we're still working on that one! ...Can we have our ball back?

Simmons: I can't. Sarge says I throw like a girl.

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07-20-2033

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