Chapter 205: Worst Laid Plans

Fade in to Wash and Tucker inside Blue Base

Tucker: This is it. This is rock bottom. You ever hit rock bottom before Wash? Well, you have now. 'Cause this is it. Can't get any lower.

Simmons: (sniff) I wanna go home.

Tucker: Okay well maybe I spoke too soon.

Freckles: Attention. Officer on deck.

Caboose enters

Caboose: Yes. Yes. Hello, thank you yes, hello. Thank you, you're welcome, yes thank you. Hhcheh, hceh, hh. Hello!

Freckles: Captain, all team members are accounted for.

Caboose: Well, excellent news, Assistant Captain Freckles.

Tucker: Oh my lord.

Caboose: Hi. It looks like we have a new member today. Yes, give Simmons a big Blue Team hello. Yes, welcome to Blue Team, Simmons.

Claps

Simmons: Can I leave?

Caboose: It is good to have you on board today for the Blue Team.

Freckles: Sir. Awaiting mission briefing.

Caboose: Oh, yes, right, oh God, right yes. Um okay uh... Yes. First order of business is t-um... uh... Wash. Psst, Wa- Wash. Washington, Washing- Washington, Wash. Wash, Wash, Wash-

Washington: (tiredly) Yes, Caboose?

Caboose: What is the first order of business?

Washington: We're trying to get rescued.

Caboose: Oh, yes, rescued! Yes excellent. Does anyone have any, suggestions?

Tucker and Wash look at each other

Washington: (sigh) Well, we know the communications tower works, so we should continue in our efforts to make contact.

Caboose: Ah, yes. Very good, excellent yes.

Washington: However, we should also work on trying to boost the signal of the radio transmitter. We were barely able to maintain a steady line of communication last time. Even if we make contact again there's no guarantee anyone would be able to understand us.

Caboose: Ah! Yes, uh- right, yes. Yes, then we need to do that! Tucker! Go fix the radio thing!

Tucker: Me? Why not Wash? He's the one who built it.

Caboose: Tucker, becau- don't rook it, alright listen. We're gonna keep Wash here for another job.

Washington: But, I- Caboose.

Freckles turns to Wash

Washington: (noises of frustration)

Caboose: Yeah, I'm thinking that you know, uh, Washington is mean and scary. Yes, yes, he will be our lookout!

Tucker: Lookout?

Caboose: Yes. Washington, make sure you look out, for bad guys! And, anything, that looks scary.

Washington: (Deadpan) There's a giant robot trying to kill me.

Tucker: Yeah, why can't Freckles be our lookout? Killing stuff is like, his entire reason for existing.

Caboose: Well um, every great leader needs a great best friend, and Freckles, I think you could be that best friend.

Freckles: ...Acknowledged.

Simmons: Uhm, do I need to do anything?

Caboose: Oh my God a Red, oh my- oh no sorry, sorry it's my bad. Sorry, sorry. Yes Simmons, yes Simmons we got- we have to talk about it. Yes, um, Simmons... you do what you, ah, do for the Reds. But instead... for the Blues.

Simmons: Uh, yes Sir?

Tucker: Wait, what is your job for the Reds?

Simmons: What do you mean, I just did it.

Caboose: Okay everybody! Aaaaand Team! Alright see you, bye.

Caboose leaves

Washington: I hope you're happy.

Tucker: Hey, don't pin this shit on me.

Simmons: I'll just, stay here I guess.

Cut to Doc healing Donut in front of Grif

Doc: Alright, you're all patched up.

Donut: I can't feel my toes. Is that normal?

Doc: Uhm, let's go with yes?

Donut: Works for me.

Doc: You know, the next time someone comes to help you, I wouldn't really recommend beating the crap out of them.

Grif: Well the next time somebody comes to help us, I hope they actually bring us help.

Doc: Hey, I take offense to that.

Grif: Yeah, it's called an insult.

Doc: Oh.

Donut: So what the heck happened? After you guys dropped me off at Valhalla, you guys were supposed to be going back to Blood Gulch.

Grif: Well, funny story...

Cut to the interior of the ship, with someone standing in front of a sparking wall panel

Crewman: Oh my God, who spilled soda all over my instruments?

Grif: Oh my God, I spilled my soda?!

Alarms and red lights, and we're back to the present

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Grif: Somehow, the ship crashed, but uh, no-one seems to know why or, how or, when or-

Sarge and Ash walk up.

"Men!" Sarge yells. 

"I didn't do it!" Grif yells. "You can't prove that I did!?"

"It's time we took action."

"Oh, we're not gonna do anything violent, are we?" Doc asks. "Remember, I'm a pacifist."

"Yeah, but think about it." Sarge says. "You can't spell 'pacifist' without 'fist', which you need to throw a punch, that always leads to fighting, the precursor to a full out battle, which is ultimately the first step on the inevitable road to war."

"WAR!" Ash yells. "I want war!"

Sarge continues. "Violence is unavoidable, Doc. Time to just admit you've got a natural-born pacifist lust for murder!"

Doc sighs. "Why do I even bother?"

"Oh come on, Doc!" Donut starts. "Where's your sense of adventure? We're a bunch of strapping young men stranded in the wilderness. If that doesn't sound like a good time, I don't know what does."

Grif: I'm starting to remember why I don't like you.

Donut: It's just like camping. Who wants to help me pitch a tent?

Grif: Yep, there it is.

"Oh, god!" Ash yells. "It's like Brokeback Mountain!"

"Since landing in this God-forsaken hellhole, we've let Washington make all the decisions." Sarge starts. "And just look where that's gotten us: the Warthog is destroyed; we're running low on food; and Simmons is being held prisoner."

"Shit's pretty fucked." Grif says.

"It's high time we took matters into our own hands. Red hands! The days of standing idly by, while the Blues do interesting and convoluted things are over!"

"Alright!" Donut yells. "It's our time to shine! Can I get a 'heck yeah'?"

"Hell no." Sarge says.

"Close enough."

Sarge: What I'm about to propose to you gentlemen, is in no way simple, smart, or seemingly possible.

Grif: Solid pep talk so far Sarge.

Sarge: There's one thing in this canyon that's been the source of all our problems. If we want to get out of here alive, we're going to have to eliminate it. Boys, we've got to kill Freckles.

"YES!" Ash yells.

Doc: Uh, we don't know who that is. We just got here.

Sarge: The robot.

Donut: You mean Lopez?

Lopez 2.0: ¡Creo que están hablando de nosotros! [I think they're talking about us!]

Lopez: A menos que estén hablando de construirme un cuerpo nuevo no me importa.[Unless they are talking about building me a new body I don't give a shit.]

Grif: No, the giant robot that belongs to Caboose? AKA the thing that will fucking kill us if we get anywhere near it. So exactly how do you plan on "eliminating" it Sarge?

Sarge: Well if our ship was carrying something as big as Freckles, I figure it may have also been carrying something big enough to break him.

Grif: We're going aboard the ship?

Sarge: We'll move in tonight. Donut, you guard the base while we're gone.

Donut: Awesome.

Wash arrives

Washington: Hey. You guys haven't seen anything, suspicious, around, have you?

Sarge: Suspicious? Why whatever do you mean, Agent Washington?

Washington: (sigh) Nothing, just...doing my job.

Wash departs

Grif: Nice save Sarge. Very convincing.

Sarge: Heh heh. Acting.

Cut to a ship docking in an unknown location. The pilot of the ship exits it and runs across the landscape, unknowingly passing a dead soldier in salmon armor located on the ground behind a rock. He runs up a short ramp to a window

Dropship Pilot: Hey can I get some fuel on three?

Unknown Voice: You got it.

Dropship Pilot: Thanks. Hey uh, I'm not really from around here, but uh, do you know about that crashed spaceship?

Voice: Spaceship?

Dropship Pilot: Yeah. I just dropped off a couple of guys who saw it in the middle of a canyon. It's big. Like, really big.

Voice: No. I can't say I've heard of it.

Dropship Pilot: Really. Oh man. I mean, someone should report that, right?

Voice: Well, that's up to you.

Dropship Pilot: Yeah, it was pretty bad. You got a phone I could use?

Voice: Sure. Right behind you.

Dropship Pilot: Thanks.

The Dropship Pilot turns and walks down the ramp, when suddenly Locus shoots him in the back

Locus: Just so you're aware, no-one's gonna find your ship either.

Locus shoots him once again

Locus: Control this is Locus. Objective complete. Returning to Crash Site Bravo.

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07-20-2022

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