Chapter 206: Finders Keepers

Cut to Simmons watching a gravity lift. Tucker approaches Simmons

Tucker: (groans) This blows. I don't know a first thing about fixing intergalactic radios.

Simmons: (still watching the grav lift) Uh huh.

Tucker: Every movie that I've ever seen with a repairman on it always glosses over the actual repairing part. It's just, "Hey baby, I'm here to lay some pipe" and then bam, two scoops of raisin!

Simmons: Uh huh.

Tucker: Dammit woman! If you let the man do his job, then maybe we would not be in this mess.

Simmons: (looks at Tucker) Hey Tucker, what the fuck is this thing?

Tucker: It's a gravity lift. You step on it and it takes you upstairs.

Simmons: I know that, but what the fuck is it doing here?

Tucker: It's glowing and goes (makes glowing sounds)

Simmons: So let me get this straight. We're the survivors of a shipwreck, living off of the bare necessities, and in the middle of the room is this incredible feat of modern-day technology.

Tucker: I don't know. Wash found it on the ship and put it on the base. What's so weird about that?

Simmons: It's like finding a car made of rocks, plastic and a bluetooth radio.

Tucker: Oh, we've got that too. (Siri's iPhone jingle is heard) Siri, play song dance theme.

Siri: Did you mean bomb, Andy?

Tucker: Oh piece of shit.

Siri: Calling bomb, Andy.

Simmons: How are you able to power all of this?

Tucker: We're hooked up to the ship.

Simmons: You mean you have a direct line to a limitless power supply?

Tucker: Well, no, we'll definitely run out of fuel eventually, just not anytime soon. So who cares, take as much as you want.

Simmons: God bless the American way.

Tucker: What are ya gonna do?

Simmons: (runs to the gravity lift) Just a side project!

Washington: Hey Caboose!

Tucker turns to see Wash running over to Caboose and Freckles.

Washington: I've secured the perimeter. No bad guys to be found.

Caboose: (in a low commanding voice) Excellent work Commander Washington, I admire your determination! Why, maybe someday you could be the leader of blue team!

Washington: (sarcastically) Yes, maybe someday.

Caboose: Now, I have a very important question for you Washington!

Washington: Okay.

Caboose: Um...d'ya think Freckles would look...silly in a hat? Possibly a sombrero?

Washington: You want to dress your pet up in people clothes?

Caboose: To boost the moral of the troops!

Washington: You know, I just remembered I haven't checked for any bad guys on the Ship.

Caboose: What?! Washington, what are you even doing here!? The- uh, there could be bad guys plotting against us right now!

Washington: You're right! Sorry boss, I'll take care of right away.

Wash runs to the ship.

Caboose: (turns to Freckles and sighs) Ya'know some people are just not cut out for military life Freckles. Now let's go make you that tiny hat.

Caboose walks off with Freckles behind him. Cut to Tucker watching them go.

Tucker: Thanks Wash, really looking out for your team.

Siri's iPhone jingle is heard

Andy: (voice machine) Hey, you've reached the voicemail of "Andy the Bomb."

Tucker: Siri, hang up!

Cut to an outcropping, where Felix watches the group from afar.

Felix: Holy shit. It's actually them.

The soldier hears a noise and turns to see Locus on another ledge before the latter cloaks out of sight.

Felix: (worried) Oh no.

Pan to the sky. Fade to a dark, star filled sky. Sarge, Ash, Grif and Doc walk down a corridor of the ship.

"You know, for a shipwreck this place actually looks pretty nice!" Doc says.

"You should see the other half." Grif says.

"Why, is it bad?"

"We dunno, it landed somewhere else."

"Yeah, that's pretty bad." Doc says.

"I think my luggage is on that half." Ash says.

"Hey, did you guys ever watch Lost?" Doc asks.

"Shut up!" Grif, Sarge, and Ash say together.

"Alright men, fan out and see what you can find." Sarge says. "Remember, we're hunting the most dangerous prey of them all."

"Man?" Doc asks.

"What? No, giant robot." Sarge says.

"Awesome!" Ash yells.

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"Oh yeah..." Doc says.

"Pshh, Man." Sarge starts. "Everything kills Man. Man's way down on the list, right between Koala and retarded Koala." Sarge walks off.

"Yeah, Man sucks." Grif says and he walks off.

"They're fun to kill though." Ash says and he walks off.

Ash walks around the ship.

"Anything, Emily?" Ash asks.

Xi appears on his shoulder.

"Sadly no, most of the weaponry was on the other half of the ship." The A.I. says.

"Who knew looking for weapons could be so disappointing."

Ash walks up to a large crate and he hits the top off and he looks inside.

"Ohhhhh." Ash happier now.

Inside the crate are some grenades. "Yoink!" Ash grabs the grenades.

"Is that all there is around here?" Ash asks.

"Y-Yes." Xi glitches a little.

"Are you okay?" Ash asks in worry.

"I'm fine, Ash. The A.I. chips really old and getting outdated."

"Right. I do need to find a new one for you."

"That would be most beneficial." 

"MEN!" Sarge yells. "UPSTAIRS! NOW!"

"On my way!" Ash yells and runs off. Xi disappears. 

Cut to Grif and Doc on the upper platform with Sarge. Sarges stands staring at something.

Doc: Sarge! You'll never guess what we found!

Sarge: Son, You could've found a laser-guided napalm shark. But I still wouldn't care.

Doc: What?

Sarge: Ya know that feelin' you get when you see a pretty girl on the first day of school? You're not really sure what to do, but your instincts just take over and you smile at her. And she smiles back.(Getting emotional) And suddenly the world's a brand new place. And your stomach's all full of twists and twirls?

Doc: Um... Yeah?

Sarge: Well, boys. I got that feelin' right now.

Grif and Doc follow Sarge's gaze and see a colossal mech similar to Freckles.

"Holy shit." Grif says

"I-I-I-I... I'm in love." Ash says.

Sarge speaks up. "Except imagine that pretty girl at school is armor plated with titanium poly-alloy and outfitted with 50 millimeter cannons and ammo for days!"

"She sounds pretty high maintenance." Doc states.

"She sounds like I need a safe word to date her." Grif says.

"This is my kinda girl." Ash says.

"Oh yeah!" Sarge says.

"So how do we get her out of the ship?" Doc asks Sarge.

"Uh, teleportation cubes anyone?" Grif asks.

"No!" Sarge starts. "A girl this fine has got to be treated right, oiled up and whatnot! We'll take her apart and move her ourselves limb by limb. Packed away in carrying cases if necessary."

"Yeah, I think your dating metaphor kinda took a turn into serial killer territory there, Sarge." Doc states.

"Seriously?! I just found these awesome future cubes, it's destiny!" Grif yells.

"No one cares, Grif." Ash says.

A small noise is heard. Sarge raises his gun.

Sarge: Huh? What was that?

The reds crouch down and see Washington moving down a hallway from the catwalk across the room.

"Agent Washington?" Doc asks.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Grif asks.

"Maybe he's doing Freelancer things?" Ash says.

"Doesn't matter, let's just dismember this beautiful lady. pack her up, and take her to our lair." Sarge says. "I mean, base."

Grif: Could you please stop referring to the robot as a woman? It's really weird.

Sarge: Not as weird as the throbbin' erection she's givin' me.

Grif: Jesus Christ.

"What the hell?" Ash says.

Fade to Washington working on something on a table in a storage room.

Washington: Hmm. Needs a conductor...

Wash goes and tries to open a nearby crate.

Washington: (groans) Stupid thing... Just open!

He steps back and shoots at the crate. He then notices something nearby and approaches it.

Washington: There we go.

Wash returns to his work.

Washington: Never thought it'd come down to this. Sorry, Caboose.

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07-21-2022

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