Chapter 207: +1 Follower

Pan across the floor of the Red base. Cut to Tucker watching Simmons working on a console. Wash walks up.

Washington: What is all this?

Simmons: It's the future.

Tucker: Where the hell have you been?

Washington: I've been doing everything I can to keep us alive.

Tucker: Oh really? Then where were you when Freckles tried to kill me for calling his tiny hat stupid!?

Washington: I thought you didn't need me protecting you, Tucker.

Simmons: Hey, guys. I'm trying to revolutionize the world of inter-canyon communication. So if you could keep it down that'd be great!

Washington: What is he talking about?

Simmons: I'm talking about... the internet!

Simmons stands up and reveals the new "Simmons" search engine.

Computer: Welcome!

Tucker: Oh my god! Everybody leave! Everybody leave right now! There's something I've gotta do.

Washington: The internet?

Tucker: Seriously. You're gonna see some shit if you don't leave.

Simmons: Well, it's not really the internet. The only two points of communication are Red and Blue base.

Tucker: (disappointed) Why would you lie to us like that?

Tissues and Vaseline are seen in the background behind Tucker.

Washington: You put one of these at Red base too?

Simmons: Yeah. I had to sneak past Freckles but it was totally worth it.

Washington: Why?

Simmons: Behold!

Cut to the "Basebook" homepage.

Washington: Basebook?

Simmons: Yeah. It's a site that lets you post pictures, videos and even text posts so that your friends always know what you're up to. It's revolutionary!

Washington: Revolutionary? The first social media sites were created hundreds of years ago.

Tucker: And there are no friends in this canyon. Only forced acquaintances.

Simmons: Yeah, but those old sites just turned into amogarations of attention whores. Nothing but teenagers who wanted to prove they were cool and old people who wanted to prove they were still relevant.

Tucker: So what's the point of Basebook?

Simmons: Oh, y'know. Just wanna keep in touch with my friends on the Red team while I'm your prisoner. Can't let them forget about Ol' Simmons! Ha ha he, huh ha ha he, (crying)

Washington: Well... I'm glad you spent your time in captivity on something meaningful.

Tucker: So you made it. What now?

Simmons: Well, let's see what Sarge is up to.

Simmons checks the computer.

Simmons: Uh huh. Hmm. Hasn't set up his profile yet... That's cool. Umm I'll just wait for an update. He has to have an update.Yeah I'm sure It'll come eventually. Huh Updates. He he ha, he he...

Washington: Ya'know... Maybe you should go outside for a bit, Simmons. I'm sure Caboose wouldn't mind if you got some fresh air.

Simmons: No no. It's cool. I'll just save Sarge some time and... Make a profile for him! Yeah. That'll be fun. And I'll do a post about it. Just so he knows...

Tucker: ... Hope You like the new Blue team, Wash. Really worked your magic.

Tucker walks away.

Caboose: (offscreen) Ugh, Okay!

Wash looks outside at Freckles posing in his sombrero.

Caboose: 'Kay! Okay! Don't move! I gotta get my camera! Oh my god this is gonna be so cute!

Caboose runs off.

Freckles: Holding position.

Cut back to Washington in the base with Simmons in the background.

Simmons: Hey, Wash. Could you take a picture and then tag me in it? He he, 'cause if I do it myself I'll just look like one of those losers.

Washington: (sighs)

Cut to the Red base. A crash is heard. Cut to Donut running out of the side door with his magnum.

Donut: Alright! Spread 'em!

Cut to Grif , Ash, and Doc with Sarge in the background near some crates

"Hey, Donut." Doc greets.

Donut lowers his pistol. "Oh it's you guys! What took you so long?"

"It's not exactly easy to transport several tons of robot in a timely manner. Though Ash had to carry most of it and I think Grif even dropped a bunch of pieces along the way."

"Maybe you guys should start lifting weights." Ash says.

"There's a difference between dropping and abandoning." Grif says.

"What?!" Sarge yells. "Dropped pieces? Grif, if I find a single screw missing from this death machine, I'll beat the living pulp out of you and drink the remaining orange juice! 'Cause I like my dead men pulp free. And with extra calcium. If available."

"What if I lost multiple screws?" Grif asks. "Or several feet of armor plating?"

Ash slowly starts to raise his Plasma Repeater.

"Yes, giant robot fight here we come!" Donut says with excitement. This is gonna be huuaaawesome! Fight fire with fire. Good idea, Sarge." 

"I still say we should trap Freckles in a future cube!" Grif says.

"You actually took one of those with you?" Doc asks Grif.

"Technically yes." 

"But actually no." Grif states.

"It's a cube that makes more cubes?" Donut asks.

"No. They teleport stuff. Watch this."

"Fuck you, Cone!" Grif yells. "What'd you ever do for me?"

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"Whooooaaa." Donut says in amazement. 

"I'm just kiddin, cone." Grif says. "You can come back."

Donut turns to Grif. "Oooo! They're like Poké Balls!"

Grif becomes angry. "No. THESE are cool. Do not ruin them for me!"

"Or maybe it sends stuff to the phantom zone. Ya'know like in that bad Superman movie."

"You mean Superman 2 or Man of Steel?" Doc asks.

"No the eleventh remake. (in a deep voice) Superman Origins 3: Revelations!" Donut says.

"Oh yeah. That was awesome." Doc says.

"I don't like Superman." Ash says.

Grif looks towards Sarge. "Sarge, look. Let's just send Donut over to Blue base with one of the cubes. He throws it at Freckles. Freckles gets zapped. Then we throw the cubes in a volcano or something."

"Why do I have to do it?" Donut asks.

"In case it doesn't work. I wanna be alive."

"Makes sense."

"But we still don't even know how the teleportation cubes work." Doc starts. "What if they're extremely radioactive? Or what if they only work on inanimate objects?"

"Uh robots are objects." Grif says.

"Hey!" Sarge yells. "You're gonna hurt some feelings here. Don't ever talk like that in front of my robot."

Lopez 2.0 comes over.

Lopez 2.0: Escuché la palabra robot. ¿Me llamaban?(I heard the word robot. Did you call me?)

Sarge: Nobody's talkin' to you, idiot.

"I just think we should run some tests first." Doc suggests. 

"But tests are haaaard!" Grif complains. 

"Quite complaining." Ash says.

"Well if it means getting you morons away from me so I can work. I say go for it." Sarge says.

Grif turns to Sarge. "Seriously?"

"You can either test the cubes or test this thing's primary defense systems."

"What do I have to do for that?"

"Just stand still and wait for the sweet embrace of death." Sarge explains. 

"Okay. Yeah, I'm leaving now." Grif walks into the base.

"Ohh! I'm gonna update my Basebook page about this." Donut says.

Doc: What's that?

Donut: Oh, Doc. You're. Gonna. Love it. You should see this picture Caboose just uploaded. It's HILARIOUS!

"I need to update mine and Emily's page." Ash says.

Lopez 2.0 and Lopez's head watch from afar as Doc, Ash, and Donut go inside.

Lopez: [SUSPIRO] Otro robot. Que original.([SIGH] Another robot. How original.)

Felix: Psst!

Lopez 2.0: ¿Escuchaste algo?(Did you hear something?)

Cut to Felix hiding in the shadows.

Felix: Yeah. Hey, over here. Brown guy.

Lopez 2.0: Mierda, ¿quién es ese?(Holy shit, who is that?)

Lopez: ¿Quién es qué? No puedo ver.(Who is what? I can't see.)

Felix: Okay, don't come over here or anything just listen. You and your friends are in a lot of trouble.

Lopez 2.0: ¡¿Qué?!(What?!)

Lopez: En serio, ¿qué carajo está pasando?(Seriously, what the fuck is going on?)

Felix: I'm gonna get you guys out of here, okay? But you need to sit tight a little while longer. I'm not the only one with their eyes on you.

Lopez 2.0: ¿Qué significa eso?(What does that mean?)

Felix: I gotta go. Look I know you people can fend for yourselves just... Be careful.

Lopez 2.0: ¿Ten cuidado?¿Por qué?¿Quién está mirándonos?(Be careful? Why? Who is watching us?)

Lopez: DAME. LA. VUELTA.(TURN. ME. AROUND.)

Lopez 2.0 looks back and the soldier is gone.

Lopez 2.0: ¡Se ha ido!(He's gone!)

Lopez: ¿Ido?(Gone?)

Lopez 2.0: ¡Desapareció!(Vanished!)

Lopez: ¿Era Batman?(Was he Batman?)

Lopez 2.0: ¡López, tenemos que decirle a alguien!(Lopez, we have to tell somebody!)

Lopez: No puedes estar hablando en serio.(You can't be serious.)

Cut to Sarge.

Lopez 2.0: ¡SARGENTO! ¡SARGENTO!(SARGE! SARGE!)

Sarge: Hmm? You talkin' to me?

Lopez 2.0: ¡UN HOMBRE ESTABA AQUÍ! ¡DIJO QUE ESTÁBAMOS EN PELIGRO! ¡DIJO QUE DEBEMOS--!(A MAN WAS JUST HERE! HE SAID WE WERE IN DANGER! HE SAID WE HAVE TO-)

Sarge: Dos point oh, quit your yammerin' so I can build your replacement. Ugh I mean your... Building your... ugh. Yeah it's pretty much your replacement.

Lopez: Confía en mí, chico. No te molestéis. Le podrías dibujar a ese hombre una infografía detallada describiendo la situación y todavía encontraría una manera de equivocarse.(Trust me, kid. Don't even bother. You could draw that man a detailed infographic describing the situation and he'd still find some way to screw things up.)

Lopez 2.0: Pero podríamos ser rescatados. (But we could be rescued.)

Lopez: Puedo ser una cabeza en este cañón. O podría ser una cabeza en otro cañón. En este momento ya no me importa. (I can either be a head in this canyon. Or I could be a head in another canyon. At this point I really don't care.)

Lopez 2.0: ¿Pero que hay con nuestros creadores?(But what about our creators?)

Lopez: Son lo peor. (They're the worst.)

Lopez 2.0: ¿Qué quieres decir?(What do you mean?)

Lopez: [SUSPIRO] Vas a querer sentarte para esta historia. Es alrededor de veinte horas y sólo disfruto contarla en intervalos de cinco minutos.([SIGH] You're going to want to sit down for this story. It's about 20 hours long and I only enjoy telling it in five minute intervals.)

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07-21-2022

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