Chapter 236: Tourist Trap

Fade into a base near the alien temple. Sarge is looking out over it, with Grey, Ash, and Tucker behind him. It seems deserted.

CHARON EXCAVATION SITE

"Huh... Looks deserted." Sarge says.

"I've heard that one before." Tucker says.

"It's likely any remaining Charon personnel would have retreated after you took the research complex." Dr. Grey says to Tucker. "Or maybe they're at lunch. I'm hungry."

"I'm hungry too." Ash says and he turns to Dr. Grey. "Want to go get lunch after this."

"That sounds lovely!" 

"How do we know for sure?" Tucker asks.

"IS ANYBODY STILL HERE?!" Caboose yells.

"Caboose!" Everyone yells.

"WHAT?! OH, SORRY! Uh... sorry."

"You big, blue idiot!" Sarge starts. "You'll give away our position." Sarge climbs up onto the rock. 

"IF YOU'RE HERE, JUST IGNORE THAT LAST BIT!" Sarge yells.

"Good save, Sarge." Tucker says.

"They'll never know we're here." Ash says.

Xi appears on Dr. Grey's shoulder. "Now you know what I've dealt with every day for the past few years."

Dr. Grey looks up at Caboose. "Caboose, if you could please, have Freckles run a thermal scan of the area."

"Oh, yes." Caboose says, and he holds his weapon up. "Umm.. hey, Freckles?"

"Yes, Captain Caboose?" Freckles asks.

"Oh, yes, er, Freckles, uhm... could you go ahead and give me a... thermal... sweater to the base... thing."

"Affirmative." Freckles says and Caboose aims him at the base.

"Heat scanners, AND Google Translate. Nice." Tucker says.

"If you put the brain of a killing machine into an assault rifle... you don't cut corners!" Dr. Grey says.

"Did you give it control over the safety?" Sarge asks.

"Affirmative." Freckles says. "Also, I heard that."

Sarge backs away. "Whoa!"

"Don't worry!" Dr. Grey says. "My tests determined that it was actually safer... to give Freckles full control of the rifle, rather than Caboose."

"It was an interesting thing to design." Ash says.

"How'd you test that?" Tucker asks.

"I gave Caboose the rifle for about five seconds." Dr. Grey says.

"Makes sense."

"What a busy day at the hospital that turned out to be."

"So many screams." Ash says. "So... much... blood."

"So what happens when you pull the trigger?" Sarge asks.

"Confetti shoots out and it makes a party noise." Ash explains.

A trigger clicks and a fun party sounds is heard.

"Tucker did it..." Tucker says.

.

.

Tucker walks out of the base. "Yup. The place is definitely deserted."

"We already knew that." Sarge says.

"Yeah, but I just wanted to make extra-sure." You know, for extra-safety."

"Oh look, you finished moving all of Grey's tools without me!" Tucker says. "Man... bummer!"

"Oh, it was nice to see Ash using those big muscles of his." Dr. Grey says.

Sarge grunts. "You wouldn't happen to be related to the Grif family, would you?" Sarge asks Tucker.

"I mean, I had relations with his sister!" Tucker says. "Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow!"

Caboose stands up. "Awwwwww....! I don't get it..."

"You've never had sex with her." Ash says to Tucker.

"How would you know?" Tucker asks.

"It's you man, with how you act, you'll never get laid." Ash says.

"Oh, really? Fifty bucks says I can within the next year."

"I'll take those odds." 

"Okay, right, let's begin!" She clears throat and starts what sounds like a tape recorder. She then speaks nonchalantly "This is the audio recording of Dr. Emily Grey, number 05519. Upon arriving at the excavation site, I made several observations. One; there's a large alien structure protruding from the ground and extending into the sky. Two;" She becomes excited. "It's nice and sunny out today and I love it! End log."

Ash walks over to Dr. Grey.

"Ladies and gentlemen... the smartest person on the entire planet." Tucker says. "And with the second smartest person on the plant at her side, they are a force to be reckoned with."

"I know!" Caboose starts. "It's really intimidating!"

"Shut up." Tucker says to Caboose.

"So, what's up, Doc?" Sarge asks.

"Well, that depends. Who here speaks alien?" Dr. Grey asks.

"Church taught me a swear-word." Tucker says.

"You're such a shisno." Ash says to Tucker.

"I dabble in español." Sarge says.

"I-I only know wingdings." Caboose states.

"What, like the font?" Tucker asks.

"It's a very misunderstood language." 

"Okay, I'm just gonna take all of that as a 'no' ..." Dr. Grey says. "...So why don't you all keep watch while I and Xi investigate the ruins?"

Xi appears on Dr. Grey's shoulder.

"Ugh. Fine." Tucker says as he walks off.

"Don't take too long." Ash says and he walks off.

"Roger that!" Sarge walks off.

Caboose walks off.

Dr. Grey looks at the temple. "Now then, let's see what you're hiding."

ARMONIA, ARMORY

Back to the armory. A future-cube sound announces the arrival of Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: We’re back!

Donut: (running up to them) Finally! I don't know what has gotten into Lopez today.

Grif: Well, have fun sorting through all the junk. I got a date with some crackers and a can of Cheez Whiz.

Grif throws a teleportation grenade to the ground and all the weapons from the research complex reappear.

Simmons: Really, Grif?

Grif: Nah, I'll probably skip the crackers.

Grif starts to walk off, then stops in his tracks.

Grif: What the...?

An array of Fed and New Republic soldiers are standing in wait for him, with the lieutenants at the front of the crowd.

Palomo: Oh, hey, Grif.

Grif: Uhhh... Hello?

Jensen: Can't help but notice you haven't been by the training room yet.

Grif: ..... Is... Wash still making--

Smith: Yup.

Grif: ...and- all of them are--

Bitters: Real tired of runnin' laps.

Grif: ..... ...yeah. I gotta go--

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"GET HIM!" Axel yells.

Everyone charges at Grif, and the sound of a fight ensues.

Grif: No! They made me do the dishes!

Cut back to the tower, where Grey is crouched in front of some alien text and Xi is on her shoulder while Tucker paces in the background.

Tucker: Bored. Bored. Boooored. Bored.

Grey: Captain Tucker, why don't you patrol somewhere else?

"Yes, please." Xi says. "It's annoying me."

Tucker: No way! I wanna be here for whenever you find out how to turn this thing on.

Grey: Why?

Tucker: Uhh. Because it's probably gonna look awesome as shit? With like holographic lasers in the sky. I want a front row seat for that.

Grey: You know, I bet you'd have just as good of a view if you joined your friends at the base.

Cut to the base, with an upward pan to Sarge, Ash,and Caboose.

Caboose: Hey.

Sarge: Yeah?

Caboose: You ever wonder...

An awkward pause with a shot of Sarge waiting.

"Caboose?" Ash questions.

Sarge: Wonder what?

Caboose: Ah, um, sorry, kinda spaced out. Is that Church? (Freckles fires a puff of confetti, with fun party noise) Nope. Rock.

Cut back to Tucker, Xi, and Grey.

Tucker: Pass.

Grey: Oh, well, then perhaps you could find something more productive to do with your time.

Tucker: Like what?

Grey: I don't know. Practice aiming, or pushups or... whatever it is you soldiers do.

Tucker: Pfff. Practice aiming. Nobody does that.

"No wonder why Blue team sucks." Xi mumbles. 

Cut to Donut with a Plasma Rifle.

Donut: Freeze! Reach for the sky, mercenary scum!

Simmons: Donut, put that down! It's not a toy, it's... wait, what is that?

Donut: I dunno. It was in the pile of laser weapons you and Grif brought back.

Simmons: Looks like an old plasma rifle. Guess it got shipped by mistake.

Donut: So does that mean I can keep it?

Simmons: Well, Kimball did say all the alien stuff was broken. But I still can't help but feel that you're setting a bad example for the children.

Donut: Children?

Simmons: Oh, right, right, Caboose went with Sarge, uh, yeah, fuck it, go nuts.

Donut: Yes! Agent Double-0 Donut is back in action! (goes back to aiming)

Someone clears his throat offscreen. A wider shot reveals that Donut is aiming at a New Republic soldier waiting patiently at the armory. He has his hands up.

New Republic Soldier: Um... so yeah, can I get my rifle now?

Donut: I'm on the case! (he walks off)

New Republic Soldier: (sighs) I bet the Feds never had to put up with this.

Cut to Tucker, who’s doing a little "practice" aiming.

Tucker: Boosh! Hah! Oh, oh what, you talkin’ to me? Hm, you talking’ to me, huh? Yeah! Hi-yah!

Cut to Grey still hard at work.

Grey: (sighs) Bet the Rebels never had to put up like this.

Tucker: Oh, so you want a rematch, huh? (chuckles) Well, if you insist.

Tucker pulls out his sword, which is immediately followed by a holographic projection lighting up a symbol over the door.

Tucker: Huh? Uh, hey doc?

Grey: Transcribing! Please don't interrupt! ‘Weapon’... ‘weapon’... why does it all say ‘weapon’? Oh!

Tucker: I think I found something!

Grey: Not now, please, I may have just made a breakthrough! What is that word...?

Tucker: (slowly approaching the door) Okay, yeah, but I really think you wanna see this.

"I think.. It's key right?" Xi says.

Grey: Is it... ‘key’?

Tucker: This is some serious weird alien-- (as he approaches the door, an alien projection appears in red) SHIT!

Tucker stumbles back, swiping the the alien projection with his sword in the process. The alien disappears and the symbol over the door looks distinctly... unlocked. Everything starts shaking.

Grey: What did you do?!

"Wow." Xi says.

Tucker: I... have no idea.

Everything fades to white. Cut to the research outpost, where Fed and New Republic soldiers watch the tower light up. The scene then cuts back to the armory, where Donut is still brandishing his new gun, this time at Simmons.

Donut: Down on yer knees, pilgrim!

Simmons: Donut, cut it out! ...wait, are you supposed to be a spy or a cowboy?

Donut’s gun suddenly activates and starts shooting on his own while he yelps in surprise.

Simmons: (ducking) Ahh! What the fuck! Oh my god!

Weapons and transportation grenades suddenly activate, causing Donut and Simmon's to scream in panic.

Simmons: Ahhhh, god why, what is happening!

The weapons soon stop firing. Simmons takes a couple of extra seconds of screaming to be sure. Lopez walks in.

Lopez: No voy a limpiar eso.[I'm not cleaning that up.]

Fade back in to Tucker and Grey. A huge array of alien weapons and vehicles are hovering in front of them. Sarge, Ash, and Caboose come running up.

Sarge: What in the heck just happened? Where'd all those guns come from?

Tucker: Did you see that?

Sarge: Of course we did!

Caboose: Yeah! I mean... I mean, the view wasn't that great but, um, yeah we got the gist of it.

Tucker: Told you!

A massive booming voice starts speaking an alien language.

"I'm sorry, can you please repeat that?" Ash asks.

Caboose: ...um. What.

Grey: It's... alien.

Tucker: No shit!

The voice says something again.

Grey: Well, say something!

Tucker: Uh. What's up?

A giant, alien, extremely dramatic sound. Everything shakes and there’s another flash of white light. A shot from back at the research outpost shows the tower darkening. The weapons disappear, and whatever just happened appears to have undone itself.

Xi's right eye starts to twitch.

Tucker: ...whoa.

Sarge tackles Tucker and starts punching him while he’s down.

Tucker: Ow!

Sarge: When the voice! Of alien! Jesus! Calls down to you! You do not! Respond with ‘what’s up’! (Tucker groans)

"Aim for the jugular!" Xi yells. 

"You deserve this, Tucker!" Ash yells.

Grey: Tucker. Do you have any idea what you just did?

Tucker: (getting up) Mm, I don't know, suffered a concussion?

Grey: You just activated technology that's been dormant for thousands of years.

"And it's all gone!" Xi yells in dispear. "I really wanted to study them!" She begins to cry.

A holographic map appears over the door, with a blinking light. near the center.

Grey: And now I think it wants you to go somewhere.

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07-25-2022

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