Chapter 237: No Fighting in the War Room

Fade into a tractor beam tower at Crash Site Alpha. Numerous pirates present.

Counselor: (off screen) He's been calling himself "Sharkface".

Cut to inside of the tower. The Counselor is speaking with Felix and Locus.

Felix: What is he, a Batman villain?

TRACTOR BEAM TOWER A

Counselor: His physical appearance, combined with a deep-seated sense of contrarianism seems-

Felix: (interrupts) Oh my god, shut up. I don't care.

Locus: Can we use him?

Counselor: If we continue our sessions, absolutely.

Locus: Good.

Felix: (snorts) "Sharkface", "Locus". Whatever happened to normal fucking names? I mean, am I crazy?!

Counselor: Well...

Felix: (stands up, pointing to the Counselor) Don't psychoanalyze me.

The lights suddenly go out. All three look around.

Counselor: What was that?

A Space Pirate calls to the mercs over the radio.

Space Pirate 1: (on radio) Locus, Felix. We've got a problem.

Locus: Report.

Space Pirate 1: Our teleporters malfunctioned. They just detonated.

Felix: How many?

Space Pirate 1: Well...em...all of them.

Locus and Felix look at each other. Suddenly, a red light appears behind them. They turn to it. Cut to the war room at Armonia. Doyle, Kimball, Wash and the Reds communicating with Carolina, Epsilon, Tucker, Caboose, Ash, Xi, Sarge and Dr. Grey.

ARMONIA WAR ROOM

Doyle: (yelling) Emily!! Please, slow down.

"SLOW DOWN!?" Dr. Grey yells. "General, the alien weapons, the vehicles, all of the artifacts we've found over the years, they weren't broken they were just deactivated! And Tucker's sword made them work?"

"For all of two seconds." Sarge says.

"It was a great two seconds." Xi says.

"How was that possible?" Kimball asks.

"Well, it's kinda like a sword, and a key." Tucker explains. 

"What does that even mean?"

CHARON RESEARCH COMPLEX 2C

"Yeah, I was part of this 'Great Prophecy' thing, because I took a sword-key from a tower and then an alien took on a quest to get a ship, but in the end it all kinda turned out to be an excuse to get me knocked up and have an alien baby." Tucker explains.

"You've... reproduced?" Doyle asks.

Ash gags a little.

"Fuck yeah!" Tucker says. "Junior is awesome!" Tucker pulls out a photo and holds it up to the camera. "Check him out in his 5th grade basketball team."

Tucker sighs. "Aw, they grow up so fast."

"Well, that's the last thing I thought I'd see today." Doyle says. "Or ever."

"Yeah, I know. Who carries around actual photographs anymore?"

"Alright, focus!" Wash says. "Let's go over what we know."

Simmons speaks. "Well, whatever Tucker dud caused all of our teleportation grenades to explode, fried Charon's weapons, and almost got me killed. Good going asshole."

"Actually, this could be perfect." Carolina states.

"Well, maybe is Simmons had been replaced with Grif , and instead of 'almost' killed, he was-" Sarge starts. 

"Stop." Grif interrupts with annoyance. 

Carolina continues. "The alien weapons may have only been active for a few seconds. but Charon's hybrid tech is still inoperable."

"Whatever pieces they took from the alien technology and crammed into their own, likely short-circuited the equipment when it tried to come back online." Dr. Grey explains. 

"Which means the space pirates, ain't got their fancy lasers no more." Sarge explains. 

"Yeah! But neither do we!" Grif states. 

"That doesn't matter." Wash says.

"Speak for yourself! That's two badass alien weapons I've lost now!"

"Charon, has always had the technological advantage over us." Wash starts. "The only reason we've managed to win these past few weeks is because we have them outnumbered."

"And yet, we still lose troops with every victory." Doyle adds.

"True, but now we have them out-numbered, and out-gunned." Kimball says. "Without their toys, they've got nothing more than standard UNSC weaponry. It's an even playing field."

"You know, I've been working with weapons a lot lately, so I'd just like to point out, that the 'standard' UNSC weaponry, can still put a fucking hole in your skull." Simmons explains. 

"We've also yet to encounter Locus or Felix since they left." Doyle explains.

"We'll deal with them, when the time comes." Wash explains. He turns to the screen. "Right Carolina?"

"Right. Of course." Carolina says.

"Yeah, I'll leave those two guys for you two to deal with." Ash says.

"What are you thinking, Kimball?" Church asks.

"Yes, we have been doing well these past few weeks," Kimball starts. "But we still can't make contact with the UNSC, and we have no idea how many more jammers Charon installed on Chorus. For all we know, they could have some on the moon. I'm not sure how much longer these small victories will be able to keep our heads above water. So, maybe it's time we aim higher. The tractor beams at Crash Site Alpha are the only things keeping us from leaving the planet."

"Y-you can't possibly be suggesting that we...!?" Doyle starts.

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"If we take them down, we can send a ship to bring help."

"The mercs have to know that." Wash says. "Those towers are probably the most heavily defended targets on the planet. Especially now."

"Yes, precisely!" Doyle says.

"We lose people, with every fight." Kimball states. "You said so yourself. If we don't make a move now, while they're weak, we're going to keep losing people until there is no one left!

Tucker: Woah-woah-woah, hold up! What about the map? After that big boy turned off the tower, it showed us a map and some coordinates.

Caboose: Tucker's right. Could be buried treasure.

Sarge: Or a stockpile of alien weapons that melt your face off! Or turn you to stone. Or turn stones into people!

"We could really use those weapons." Ash says.

Carolina: They have a point. Taking Crash Site Alpha is possible, but not without heavy losses. Those coordinates could lead us to something that might save lives.

Grif: Uh, yeah. "Could"?

Church: One tower took out all of Charon's weapons. There's no telling what another one could do. I mean, hell! If it gives us a way to turn the other tower back on, we can add badass alien lasers to the armory! Why else are we in this war?!

Simmons: And I get to add another weapon category to the armory spreadsheet.

Tucker: Nerd.

Simmons: Organizing data's not nerdy, it's efficient! Come on, Church and Xi are computers. They know what I'm talking about.

Church: (to Tucker) Yeah, that nerd doesn't speak for me.

"You're way more nerdy then me Simmons." Xi says.

Grif: Hey, that reminds me. If we're here, who's running the armory?

Cut to the armory with Smith outside, apparently having waited some time.

Smith: Hmmm, the sign says "open", but no one's here. (pauses for a moment) I'll give it two more hours.

Cut back to the War Room and the Research Complex.

Kimball: We don't have time to investigate! For all we know, Charon's already working on a new batch of rifle replacements.

Tucker: "Don't have time?" We can just fly right over and check it out.

Washington: We already know Locus and Felix have scouts monitoring our activity whenever possible. If we send a ship to the middle of nowhere, they'll notice and they'll follow.

Carolina: If these coordinates lead to something, we can't afford it falling into Charon's hands. We need to send a small team on foot.

Kimball: And that will take time that we don't have.

Church: (groans) But what if Charon's already there? What if they've been sitting on this ship for years and we've just turned it on?! We gotta find out what's out there, even if it's just to make sure the mercs don't use it against us!

Doyle: I-is it possible to... divide and conquer?

Washington: Yeah, Carolina could take an away-team out to the coordinates and Kimball could lead the charge against Alpha.

Doyle: Why does Kimball get to lead the charge?

Washington: Are you volunteering?

Doyle: Well, I... heh, unfortunately we'll need someone to stay behind and guard the capital and I know this city better than anyone.

Grif: Nice bail.

Washington: Then it sounds like Kimballs' our leader.

Kimball: The Feds won't take orders from me.

Washington: They will if their lives are on the line. I've been training them. Both sides have come a long way and we'll need all hands on deck if we wanna pull this off.

Sarge: Well, then you can count me and my boys in! *Xi clears her throat.* "And lady."

"I'm actually going to go with Dr. Grey." Ash states. "Gotta keep our doctor safe."

"Riiiiiiight." Xi says.

Grif: Ooooohh, ah we need to work at the armory actually.

Simmons: Shshshsh, yeah, really sorry, guys. I wish we could help.

Lopez: Agradable fianza. [Nice bail.]

Donut: Well, if you really wanna go, Lopez and I can handle the armory.

Sarge: Excellent suggestion, Donut. Simmons, looks like you're gonna get to see your fearless Colonel on the battlefield after all. (chuckles) I wish I could look through your eyes, and see me... *He turns to Ash and Xi.*  And Uh, good luck you two.

Simmons: (unenthusiastically) Yay...

Grif: (to Donut) I'm gonna kill you in your sleep.

Church: Right. Then the rest of us can act as the "away" team. Tucker brings the sword, Grey brings the brains,-

Caboose: And I bring the comic relief.

Church: I was gonna say "the rifle with auto-targeting software".

Caboose presses the trigger, once again releasing confetti and making a party sound.

Carolina: We'll hop on the next Pelican to Armonia and prep to head out.

Church: And if we play this right, the mercs won't even know what hit'em.

Cut to Locus and Felix in the Tractor Beam Tower, looking at something. A female Space Pirate holding a Battle Rifle walks up behind them.

Space Pirate 2: We had the scientists check everything. Binary rifles, suppressors, they're all dead. Even the ones on the ship.

Locus: Then send them up here. We have another job for them.

Space Pirate 2: You got it, boss! (walks out)

Space Pirate 1: (on radio) Sir, we just received a communications request from Control. What should I tell him?

Cut to reveal of what the mercs are looking at: a red holographic map identical to the one the Blues found.

Felix: Tell him we'll call right back.

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07-25-2022

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