Chapter 257: Previously On

We open up on several overhead shots of a large valley. There are signs of civilization: the foundations of buildings, a beach umbrella, and, notably, a makeshift base at the center.

Dylan and Jax are walking towards the base.

"Hello?" Dylan yells out. "Somebody! Anybody!"

"Move it, move it!" Sarge yells from the side.

"Hey, slow down! I need to get-"

Sarge zooms by the two in a Warthog.

"No can do!" Sarge says. "I'm late for battle!"

"Was that... Sarge?" Dylan asks.

Simmons zips by really fast.

Simmons: (unintelligible Esperanto)

"And Simmons?"

A explosion goes off.

"Incoming!" Ash yells and he flies past Dylan with smoke trail behind him.

"And Ash?" Dylan asks.

"It didn't work!" Ash yells far in the background.

Tucker appears on top of the base.

"Yo, Grif!" Tucker yells. "What about the Blue Goo Dolls?"

"NO!" Grif yells. "Red Zeppelin!"

"The Blue  Fighters!" Tucker yells.

"Uh, The Grateful Red!"

"Oh, God no! Screw you!"

Another explosion goes off and Ash flies high in the sky behind the base. Tucker disappears behind the base.

"You're Grif!" Dylan says in disbelief. "Grif, can you help us?"

Grif laughs hysterically then becomes blunt. "Who the hell are you."

"Dylan Andrews," She introduces. "Interstellar-"

"Whoa, hold up! I JUST realized how much I don't care."

"The- Captain Caboose. He fell off a cliff." Dylan explains. "I think he's dead."

"Whoa, you killed Caboose?" Grif asks. "Good job! Can you kill Sarge next? Or maybe even Ash. OHH! Wait, no! DONUT, Then Sarge! Then Ash!"

Simmons zips by. "Ihaven'tbeenthishypersincethattimeIhadamargarita!"

Another explosion goes off in the distance. "AHHH! MY ONLY GOOD LEG!"

"Anyone seen my tanning oil!" Donut asks from off to the side. His voice unfiltered. 

"Jesus, Donut, we have guests!" Grif  "Put some clothes on for Pete's sake!"

Tucker appears on top of the base. "Oh, Blue-Tang Clan!"

"The Red Kennedy!" Grif yells to Tucker.

There is a loud whistling sound, as though something is falling from a great height.

"Suck it Newton!"  Sarge yells from high up.

The Warthog falls from the sky and hits the ground in a giant explosion.

"Whoa-oa! Pyrotechnics!" Jax says.

Sarge walks away from the fiery wreck of the Warthog. "Damn. Foiled again."

"Listen, everyone!" Dylan yells. "I have no idea what the FUCK you're all doing, but you need to know your man Caboose is terribly injured, and possibly dead."

"Oh, no!" Caboose says off to the side. "Not Caboose! We need to go rescue him!"

"You- You're okay?" Dylan asks with bewilderment. 

"Oh. pft, yeah." Caboose says. "Y'know, I fell down and stuff, but y'know I landed on my head and that's okay because that's the part that's most used to it, so yeah I'm fine, things are good now, yeah I'm gonna go lay down."

Caboose walks off.

"Now would be a great time to start explaining yourself, ma'am." Wash says.

"You can start with who you are, and what you're doing here." Carolina says.

"Washington and Carolina?" Dylan asks. "You're alive!"

"Don't sound so surprised." Wash says. "I believe Carolina asked some questions, ma'am."

"Of course, Dylan Andrews, Interstellar Daily. I'm doing a story about the attacks perpetrated by the Reds and Blues since Chorus."

Tucker walks up. "Attacks?"

"And the disappearances of the ex-Freelancer agents as well." Dylan explains.

"Which Freelancers are missing?" Carolina asks.

"All of them. Look, I've been searching for you for a VERY long time."

Carolina lowers her gun. "Well, congratulations, Mr. Andrews. You found us."

Everyone walks over, Minus Ash.

"Make way for Willie!" Ash yells and he crashes in the middle of everything.

"Wow, what an entrance." Jax says.

Ash stands up and shakes himself. "I was so close!"

Ash is in his old Freelancer armor, minus its helmet. It's Crimson now, instead of its original red; also it has white trim.

Ash is holding a Plasma Repeater with a katana on his back.

He also has a prosthetic left arm from when he accidentally blown it off.

And he has something new, a strange looking robotic right leg.

Xi, Ash's A.I. the Alpha's surprise, appears on his shoulder.

"You were close to beating your record, Ash." Xi says.

"I know." Ash says. 

Ash looks to his right and sees his friends. "Hey, guys, what's going on?" Ash looks to his left and sees Dylan and Jax. "Oh, guests. I didn't plan for this."

.

.

Ash is between Carolina and Wash with Xi on his shoulder.

"Why don't we start with these attacks?" Wash asks.

"No." Dylan states. "We came halfway across the galaxy, sacrificed our careers, and risked both life and limb for answers. So we start with my questions, or we walk."

The three Freelancers look to each other.

"She's a little demanding." Ash whispers. 

The three look back to Dylan.

"What exactly do you want to know?" Wash asks.

"Simple." Dylan states. "What have you all been doing since Chorus?"

Grif groans. "Lots of bullshit. I don't even know where to start."

"Before or after the temple?" Tucker asks. "If it's before, this is going to get NSFW real quick."

"'Temple?'" Dylan asks.

"Oh yeah! After we captured Hargrove, we partied fucking hard!" Tucker explains. "See, Chorus has this alien relic called the Temple of Procreation. That, when activated, makes-"

"We said we wouldn't talk about that!" Grimmons (Grif and Simmons) says.

They quickly look at each other and quickly look away, embarrassed.

"It was like a plant-wide aphrodisiac!" Sarge explains. "Things got REAL Bohemian. (knowingly) Mm-hmm!"

"Yeah, you all keep saying that." Tucker says. "But everything felt normal to me."

"Surprising no one." Wash says.

"I'm glad it doesn't affect A.I.'s" Xi says.

"Grey sure was interesting." Ash says. "She has stamina like a horse. And me being how awesome I am, could keep up with her."

"Ew." Tucker says.

"You're just jealous I have someone to love and she loves me back." Ash says to Tucker. "Now I kind wonder how baby Doyle is doing?"

"Can w- Can we change the subject?" Simmons asks.

"Oh, they're just upset cause they got locked in a storage closet during the whole thing." Caboose explains.

"THE SUBJECT." Grif says. "CHANGE IT."

"The mess you guys made, man, I felt bad for whoever had to clean it." Ash says, and Grif aims his gun at Ash. "Okay, I'm done."

Wash speaks up. "To actually answer your question, After the war on Chorus, we decided that we were due some time off."

"It's been so many years since we had time off." Ash explains.

"We've earned some R&R." Tucker explains. "Even Carolina agreed."

"I thought I'd give the simple life a day in court." Carolina says.

"No more adventures?" Grif starts. "Hell yeah I was on board!"

"Kimball set us up on this isolated moon." Simmons explains. "And she built us the most awesome new bases,"

Simmons continues. "EVER."

"Everyone adjusted to the peace and quiet different." Tucker says. "some us were naturals-" Tucker says as he looks at Grif.

"Don't hate the player." Grif states. 

"Sarge got hopelessly depressed after not dying heroically on Chorus." Simmons says.

"HOGWASH!" Sarge yells. "BASELESS SLANDER!"

"But you said:"

Cut to the Red Team, including LOPEZ, outside their new base. SARGE walks up.

Sarge: I am hopelessly depressed after not dying heroically on Chorus! We need a new enemy!

Hearing this, the Red Team quickly scatter.

Sarge: Something to fight...where are y'all going?

Back in the present.

Tucker looks to Carolina. "Sarge wasn't the only one having a hard time adjusting to inaction."

Everyone looks to Carolina.

"What?!" Carolina says.

"Fortunately, we found a tutor." Wash states.

Cut to CAROLINA and GRIF in a small ravine, GRIF sitting cross-legged on the ground and CAROLINA standing up, looking to him as though he were a wise master. Or Yoda, maybe.

Carolina: (dead serious) Help me, Grif. Help me be the best at being lazy.

Grif: (wise and mysterious) You're not ready, padawan.

Carolina: I can try!

Grif: No. There is no try.

Tucker: (narrator) The peaceful times didn't last too long. Turns out this planet has some native lifeforms!

Loud thumping as SIMMONS, ASH, TUCKER, and GRIF run across the scene. We hear the sound of a dinosaur roaring.

Simmons: AAAAHHH, RUUUUN!

Grif: I CAN'T DIE AS FOOD! OH, THE IRONY!

"HAHAHA! I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN!" Ash yells.

Carolina: (narrator) While everyone debated if dying as food was technically ironic, Caboose went and made friends with the dinosaurs.

Grif: (narrator) Because of course he did.

CAROLINA, TUCKER, ASH, GRIF, and SARGE are staring up in awe at the camera, while we see the shadow of a dinosaur with a Caboose-sized figure on its head.

Caboose: Aw, who's a good boy? Aw, you are, good boy!

Tucker: Caboose, get down!

"Can I eat it?" Ash asks.

Sarge: Tell him to fight me!

"Then Ash, blew his leg off in an experiment." Narrator Grif says.

Outside of red base.

An explosion goes off within the base and smoke comes out.

"AHHHHH!" Ash yells. "Awwww man, I blew my leg off."

"But I made a kick ass robot leg!" Narrator Ash says.

Then we see everyone gather together and off to the side we hear what sounds like a hydrolic press, then after a few seconds a loud bang is heard.

"Wow." Everyone says.

Over to Ash.

He's standing right next to a destroyed boulder with his new prosthetic leg.

"I modeled it after the Mantis." Ash informs the group.

Grif: (narrator) AND THEN DONUT SOMEHOW MANAGED TO BURN DOWN OUR BASES!

Donut standing in the foreground, while the bases burn in the background.

Donut: Whoopsy-daisy...

Grif: (narrator) Oh-ho, why, oh-why-oh-why?!

Back to the present. 

"I told you, it was a simple mishap with my vanilla satin-scented candles." Donut says off to the side with his voice unfiltered. "Sheesh."

"Donut, clothes!" Tucker yells.

"Party pooper!"

"Why is he naked?" Jax asks.

"That's your first question?" Dylan asks Jax.

"You know, I seem to ask myself that a lot." Ash says. "Why is Donut always naked."

Xi shivers. "At least I can delete it from my memory."

"We lost eighty percent of our rations in the fire," Simmons explains and he looks to Grif. "So FAT-ASS over here started going around and eating native plants."

RIF approaches some wild mushrooms that glow a mysterious blue color.

Grif: Oh, hey there, sexy.

Simmons: (narrator) Oh, and as it turns out? The mushrooms are basically crystal meth on crystal meth!

Cut to GRIF running by, in order, Sarge fighting a tree, Carolina fixing a Warthog, and Simmons going for a walk. Ash is sitting on the ground talking with Xi.

Grif: (super fast) Heyhohowyadoin'goodokay I'mgonnagoforarun alotofpeoplesayI'mnotfast butI'msuperfast don'ttellanyybodythoughit'soursecret okaybye!

Back to the base.

"Yeah? Well at least I didn't spend my summer learning Esperanto." Grif says to Simmons.

"I thought Esperanto was Spanish for Spanish." Simmons says in shame.

"And now you're the only one in the universe who speaks a dead language." Tucker says.

"Apprenez une bonne langue ! Comme le français." Ash says in French.

"English Ash!" Tucker yells.

Ash makes angry french noises.

Simmons sighs. "Mi estas tiel sola." (I'm so alone.)

"And Freckles got a new body!" Caboose says. "He can use any bathroom he wants now!"

FRECKLES walks threateningly into the scene. We then cut to a wide shot to reveal he's hopelessly small, with CABOOSE and TUCKER looking at him.

Freckles: (like a chipmunk) Prepare to be exterminated!

He shoots CABOOSE. CABOOSE dramatically falls.

Caboose: GAGH! Tucker, you're supposed to be playing dead.

Tucker: (leaving) Right...

Back to the base.

"That's right around when we tried to raise some money for new bases by selling off our movie rights." Tucker says.

"Hollywood really screwed the pooch on that one." Grif says.

"Aww, we were rich!" Simmons says.

"And then we realized water parks are WAY more awesome than bases."

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"So we built the galaxy's greatest... Water park." Carolina says.

"I found out I can't swim anymore, with all these prothetics." Ash says.

Flashback.

Ash is at the bottom of the deep end of the pool and bubbles are escaping his helmet.

"Help?" Ash's muffled voice says.

Back to the present.

Grif: AND THEN DONUT—!

Mirroring the shot from before, DONUT is in the foreground as the water park burns in the background.

Donut: Whoopsy-daisy...

Back to the present. 

"I MEAN, HOW DO YOU BURN DOWN A WATER PARK DONUT?!" Grif yells.

Donut walks in, now wearing his armor. "One, lube isn't normally flammable. And B, I didn't burn down the whole water park, just the park part."

"Then we decided to build Xi a body." Sarge says.

"Yeah, that didn't last long." Xi says as she glares at Tucker.

Back in the past.

Tucker is running away while screaming.

A person in dark pink armor is chasing him with a shotgun while shooting at him.

"Get back here you little shit!" Xi yells.

"I said I was sorry!" Tucker yells while he's running.

Back in the present.

"Why would you build a robot that has some junk in the trunk?' Tucker asks.

"I hate you, Tucker." Xi says.

"She still sometimes uses her body." Ash says.

"And then we formed the best band ever!" Caboose says.

"Tucker thought it might attract... Chicks." Wash explains.

"Which worked." Tucker says.

Cut to GRIF and TUCKER arguing over the name, with CABOOSE and ASH watching.

Grif: The Talking Reds!

Tucker: Mötley Blüe!

Grif: How about Redmau5?

Carolina: Hey, I heard you boys are looking for a singer.

Tucker: Uh, yeah! Chick singers are awesome!

Grif: Can you sing, though?

Carolina: (confident) Can I sing?

Cut to the base.

"Carolina sings. So good." Tucker says unconvincingly.

"Thank you." Carolina says.

"Oh, and we're definitely not just saying that because she could kill us." Simmons says sarcastically. 

"So... Good." Grif forces it out.

"Maybe we should give Xi a try." Ash says. "She has a good singing voice."

Xi smugly smiles.

"Sarge decided to make his own enemy, so he built an evil robot army to invade our valley!" Simmons says.

"But the robots malfunctioned, and attacked the dinosaurs!" Tucker says. 

Cut to the Reds and Blues watching an enormous battle happening offscreen. We get explosions and roars and some flashes of red light, plus a black plume of smoke coming in from off-camera.

Washington: I have seen some amazing things in my life, but this... this takes the cake.

"I think i can die happy now." Ash says.

Back to the base.

Carolina snickers. "And then, Grif convinced Simmons Game of Thrones really happened."

Back in the past.

Simmons: Nuh-uh.

Grif: Uh-huh.

Simmons: Oh, shut up!

Grif: Seriously, dude!

Simmons: Nah, nah, no way!

Grif: Yeah, way.

Simmons: Dude.

Grif: Dude.

Simmons: Dude!

Grif: Dude.

Simmons: Dude!

Grif: Yeah, dude.

Simmons: That's awesome! Man, I'm gonna go visit!

Simmons: (narrator) Sarge found a new enemy! One that would keep him busy for the rest of our time here.

The Reds are gathered outside the new base, watching as SARGE walks on camera again.

Sarge: For far too long our people have been oppressed, crushed, under the weight of our selves! If we don't start standing up to our mortal foe gravity, by god who will?

WASHINGTON and CAROLINA are watching nearby.

Carolina: Are we really going to let this play out?

Washington: Why not see where it goes?

is in the Warthog, SARGE nearby.

Sarge: Buckle up, friendo! It's time we take this fight to the enemy!

Lopez: Por favor no. (Please no.)

The Warthog goes flying off a cliff.

Sarge: Chaaaarge!

Quick cut to the base.

Simmons: But that just meant Blue Team had one more jeep than Red Team.

Back to outside the base: DONUT, GRIF, and SIMMONS are standing there, while the Warthog is on fire in the background.

Sarge: Gentlemen, we simply cannot let Blue Team have tactical superiority over the canyon! This means war! Red. VS. BLUE!

Lopez: (offscreen) Mierda... (Shit...)

Back to the base.

Tucker: That helped us realize just how outdated this whole Red Team-Blue Team thing really is.

Simmons: So we had a meeting to debate a new form of government.

The REDS and BLUES are facing each other outside their base, CAROLINA having joined the Blues this time.

Grif: I vote anarchy.

Simmons: You can't vote anarchy, you dumbass!

"I vote for anarchy." Ash says.

Tucker: Monarchy! Whoever holds the magical sword, (draws his sword) Excalibur!

Caboose: Party Paryarchy!

Sarge: Military Dictatorship!

Carolina: Matriarchy.

Caboose: Oh! How about malarkey?

Simmons: Caboose, that's not a type of government! It just means meaningless talk and nonsense!

Long silence.

Back to the present.

"Malarkey won." Wash says.

"There was also a time where Ash build a bomb and it blow up and made a worm hole to a new universe." Simmons says.

"And what came out was really, really, really weird." Grif says.

Back in the past.

Everyone is gathered up.

"This has to be one of the strangest things I've seen... of all time." Wash says.

Over with Ash.

Ash and a Female Ash are looking at each other. Both wearing identical armor and have identical prosthetics, and have identical weapons.

"THIS IS AMAZING!" Both the Ash's yell.

Back in the present. 

"The destruction they cause was enormous." Tucker says.

Ash sighs. "Too bad she had to go home. I never met someone that I could have so much fun with."

"Ah, you haven't mentioned the dark place." Caboose says.

"Oh yeah!" Tucker says. "Somehow, Caboose got stuck in another dimension." 

"I didn't do it." Ash says.

CABOOSE is somehow in the Upside-Down from Netflix's Stranger Things.

Caboose: Hello? Anyone there? THIS IS AWESOME!

The Reds and Blues are staring at the alphabet Christmas lights from Stranger Things.

Washington: "Neat." He just...keeps saying, "Neat."

Back to the base.

"Oh, and we found Donut dead!" Tucker says.

"Again." Ash says.

GRIF finds DONUT'S supposedly dead body lying next to a body of water.

Grif: Sweet.

SIMMONS, ASH, TUCKER, and GRIF are staring at a shallow grave.

Grif: (voiceover) We decided to bury him in a shallow, unmarked grave.

They look up, hearing DONUT offscreen.

Donut: (offscreen, unfiltered) Aw, fiddlesticks! I can't find my suit!

Grif: (narrator) Turns out he was just...skinny-dipping.

Donut: (offscreen, unfiltered, cont'd) Guess I'm going au natural! Nice and breezy!

In the exact same shot from when they were running from the dinosaur, SIMMONS, TUCKER, and GRIF run from DONUT.

Simmons: AAAAAHHHH, RUN!

Grif: AH, THE IRONY!

"I'M GOING TO PUKE!" Ash yells.

Back to the present. 

"But that wasn't even the weirdest thing that happened!" Carolina says. "Wash. Grew. A beard."

Cut to WASHINGTON standing outside. Of course, we can't see the beard because his helmet is on.

Washington: It's kind of...itchy.

Back to the base.

"I became so bored one day, that I decided to see how high I can blow myself into the air." Ash says.

Back in the past.

Caboose is standing on the edge of a cliff looking out to the ocean.

An explosion goes off and Ash flies past Caboose, while yelling.

There's a pause.

"Hi, Ash." Caboose greets.

Back to the present.

"His high score is 60.96 meters." Xi says.

"And then this morning, Grif spiked Simmons' couscous with methmeth shrooms!" Tucker explains. 

"You know." Grif starts. "For the lols."

Cut to the shot from the opening, with GRIF talking to DYLAN as SIMMONS runs by.

Simmons: (super fast) ihaventbeenbeenthishypersinceihadamargerita!

An explosion goes off in the distance. "AHHH! MY ONLY GOOD LEG!"

Donut: (offscreen, voice unfiltered) Anyone seen my tanning oil?

Grif: Jesus Donut, we have guests! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

TUCKER appears again.

Tucker: Oh ho, Blue-Tang Clan!

Grif: The Red Kennedys!

There is a loud whistling sound, as though something is falling from a great height.

Sarge: (falling with it) SUCK IT NEWTON!

We quickly cut back to GRIF before SARGE hits the ground.

"It's been awful." Grif says. "Instead of a peaceful retirement, it's been the SAME damn shit, with the SAME damn idiots."

Dylan looks at Jax. "You got all that, right?"

Cut to JAX'S perspective.

Jax: Yeah, definitely.

A red dot appears onscreen as he starts recording. Apparently, he didn't get all that.

Dylan looks to everyone. "Well, it certainly sounds like you've been busy. Still, my records of your actions on Chorus end when you entered the Staff of Charon, I would love to know what happened next."

"That's... A sensitive question." Carolina says.

Xi sniffs and rubs her eyes.

"We lost a friend that day." Carolina explains.

"I miss Church." Caboose says.

"You mean the Epsilon A.I.?" Dylan asks Caboose.

"No, he means Church." Tucker says in annoyance. 

Xi sniffs and rubs her eyes. "I miss him so much." She flashes a few times.

"He gave everything to save us." Wash says. "Wasn't the first time, either."

"It was so awesome for a while there!" Tucker says. "He powered up my suit and I was like Neo in the goddamn Matrix! I was juggling these two guns and the sword! And dodging bullets! It was fucking amazing! And then it was all over. And... He was gone. The suit was useless. Empty. But, y'know. We won."

Xi flashes and she disappears. 

"I'm sorry." Dylan says.

"So, that's our story." Wash says. "What's yours?"

"Like I said outside. While you've been here, a group of people that look a lot like you have been going around stealing, hijacking, and robbing the UNSC. While looking into that, I discovered that nearly every former Freelancer has vanished."

"The three Freelancers look to each other then to Dylan.

"That's... alarming." Wash says.

"That's an understatement." Carolina says.

"That's... Um... I've got nothing." Ash says.

"And to top it off, most people think those importers are working for Chorus." Dylan states. "The UNSC is about to invade as a result."

"Is that why Kimball sent you?" Grif asks. "So that we can deal with them?"

"Yeah, she should know we're retired." Simmons says.

"She actually sent me to deliver a message." Dylan says. "She was pretty vague about it."

"Who's it from?" Wash asks.

DYLAN places a small portable holo-projector on the table and slides it to the center.

Dylan: She didn't say.

The projector turns on. In it we see the ghostly image of a familiar blue soldier in cobalt armor. His image is heavily damaged, and his voice is highly distorted.

Church: This is Church from...[static]...Alpha...[static]...if you're getting this, it's an emergency...(pants)...send help! Please! Send help!

The message quickly cuts off. Everyone stares at it in shock.

Grif: God-fucking-dammit.

Xi flashes onto Ash's shoulder. "Church?" She says in hope.

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07-29-2022

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