Chapter 261: Rigged

Sarge faces the camera.

Sarge: Name, rank, serial number, that's all your getting from me.

DYLAN is now interviewing him. Everytime SARGE speaks, a military drumroll plays, only to stop whenever DYLAN interrupts.

Dylan: Well, that's a good place to start. I have no idea what your actual name is. Every record I ever found just says "Sarge."

Sarge: I see right through your ploy clear as glass.

Dylan: There is no ploy. I just don't know your name.

Sarge: Ha! You THINK you'll just butter me up! When I least expect it: Whambo! You pry open my mind prison and suck out my brain beans! Well, I'm not falling for it. I'm ooooold past the interrogation game. Pay attention, missy! You might just learn a thing or two.

Dylan: Well, if we're not going to talk, we can just cut. I don't why you asked for this interview.

Sarge: To keep an eye on you. Y'see Temple and Surge don't trust you. They sent me to find out what you know, so while you think you're interrogating me, I'll secretly be interrogating you to find out what you know about them. Haha! Oh no.

Dylan: ...What?

Sarge: I, uh, I realize now that I've just spilled all my brain beans. ...Oh, damn, you're good!

Dylan: Please, if you could just...tell me your name?

Sarge: I underestimated you. The student has become the teacher. Touché.

SARGE begins making a weird howling noise. DYLAN walks in front of the camera.

Dylan: Just cut, Jax.

Cut to TUCKER approaching TEMPLE.

Temple: Tucker! Thanks for coming in!

Tucker: No problemo. What's shakin'?

Temple: This feels a little awkward, but I-I wanted to express my gratitude and admiration for you, and your amazing performance back at the gulch.

Tucker: Temple, we just met, so I should let you know that flattery isn't going to get you anywhere. You can't butter me up! ...But do go on.

Temple: That was the coolest thing I've ever seen, man! You fight like a freelancer! It was like I bore witness to a bright star of hope, shone through the clouds amidst a dark and terrible whirlpool!

Tucker: Mm, I don't think I've been called a star before, but, if the shoe fits...

Temple: This fight has felt so hopeless for us. What we're going up against, I-I mean we're just a bunch of dumb rejects hurling ourselves against impossible odds. You give us.....you gave me, a real sense of hope.

Tucker: Well, it's not the first time I've helped a bunch of helpless people in need. I'm just doing what I do best. Well, second best, if you know what I mean.

Temple: (laughs) Oh, you know I do. (just to be sure) Sex, right? Yeah, uh, the other thing I-I wanted to bring up is perhaps a bit more sensitive, uh, it's about that reporter.

Tucker: Dylan? There's nothing between us.

Temple: What do you really know about her?

Tucker: Mmm... not much, she kinda helped out a little bit.

Temple: Yeah...I just worry about her agenda. I mean, those journalist types, they don't give a shit about real people. They just care about selling their stories and getting their book deals and leaving us plebs to our fate. We're kinda like lab rats to them!

Tucker: That seems kinda extreme.

Temple: I guess, I dunno! Maybe you're right...she did warn you about that bounty hunter though, right?

Tucker: She... huh, she knew about him, didn't she? She said so at your gulch!

Temple: I'm only saying something because I've been used enough times in my life already.

Tucker: Yeah, I know that song. Man, she probably led that asshole straight to me!

Temple: (goading him on) Woah! Dick move!

TUCKER walks through the base. He passes by CABOOSE and LOCO.

Caboose: Hey Tucker!

Loco: Hey Tucker!

Then Tucker walks by Ash and Zsh.

"Sup, Tucker!" Ash says.

"Sup Tucker!" Zsh says.

Tucker: This "glitch in the matrix" shit is gonna give me a migraine...

He approaches JAX, DYLAN, DONUT, SIMMONS, and a purple medic...

Tucker: Oh, they've got a bizarro Doc too, huh? What's your ripoff name? Brock? Schmock?

Purple Medic: Oh hey, Tucker! It's me, Doc! You know me!

Tucker: Woah! Doc Doc? The hell are you doing here?

Doc: Just hangin' out with the Blues and Reds. These guys are mah homies! Wassup?

Tucker: You know them?

Doc: Yeah! I was just telling Simmons and Donut and your reporter friend that I've known these guys for years!

Simmons: Don't you find it weird that they're like, I dunno, bootleg versions of us?

Doc: (laughing) That's hilarious. Yeah, no, it's actually vice versa! Like, they're the originals, and YOU'RE the crappy copy.

Tucker: What?

Doc: Yeah, yeah. They're the real McCoys, and you are the non-McCoy fake. Uhh... they're like iPods and you are like Zunes.

Tucker: We were first!

Doc: No way man. Their gulch was like, WAYY before yours. That's why they're the Fruit Loops, and you are just the "Generic Brand Sugar Rings."

Donut: They're a Gucci bag, and we're a Gucci bag you buy from a street vendor with vastly inferior stitching.

Tucker: Donut, don't help him. And why do you have a purse?

Jax: They're all like, Spider-Man, and you guys are like, Turkish Spider-Man.

Doc: They're the ding dongs, and you are a dildo.

Tucker: I don't care who's David Lee Roth, and who's Sammy Hagar. It's still fucking weird that there are two of everyone, and I'm still hot for teacher.

Dylan: I've been able to corroborate certain aspects of their story. In my investigation on Sidewinder, I found records of another gulch of Reds and Blues. This gulch was tagged as a "prototype" but, I don't know what for.

Tucker: (accusatory) You found that on Sidewinder, huh? That's where you met up with that bounty hunter.

Dylan: Well, yeah. We crossed paths.

Tucker: Did your path have a sign that said, "Follow me to Lavernius Tucker!"

Dylan: Woah, take it easy. I had nothing to do with that.

Tucker: Yeah fucking right. I bet that made great TV.

Jax: Ha! You're damn right it did! Oh, I just wish I had a gimp for that big "NOOOOO!!!" Maybe we could schedule some reshoots?

Dylan: Jax!

Tucker: Nice! Super awesome of you guys! That was sarcastic. C'mon, let's get out of here, Simmons.

Gene: I'm not Simmons, I'm Gene! He's Simmons!

Tucker: Are you sure?

Simmons: Tucker, come on man, you've known me for years!

Gene: Yeah, I just came over to say the Blues and Reds are moving out on an errand, but you all should make yourselves at home while we're gone.

Dylan: What errand?

Gene: Our cloaking device is failing, we need to pick up some parts from an unmanned mining rig.

Tucker: And lemme guess. You need the help of your "Shining Star of Hope."

Gene: Oh, that'd be excellent! Sarge is already one of us after all. I mean, he's joined us. I mean, he's coming along!

Tucker: Well, count the rest of us in too.

Dylan: Well I think it's a great idea. I can––

Tucker: Not you, us. Let's go, Simmons.

Gene: I'm––

Tucker: Don't care. Just help me with my dramatic exit.

He exits dramatically, leaving DYLAN and JAX behind.

We cut to the Reds and Blues and the Blues and Reds on the mining rig, with TEMPLE addressing them. The Blues and Reds have swapped out their visors for blue ones.

"Let's try to make this quick." Temple starts. "We need some electronics to fix our cloaking device... This rig is fully automated, so we don't expect to encounter any forms of enemy resistance."

"Hey, what's with your visors?" Simmons asks the Blues and Reds.

"Ah, uh, I have ordered my men to switch to BLUE to avoid confusion." Temple explains. "Uh, Caboose and Loco are having some trouble with that."

Simmons looks at Tucker. "Yeah... They weren't the only ones."

Caboose and Loco both have BLUE visors.

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"Yup, I'm just saying it's getting a little hard to follow." Caboose says.

"Wrong side, Caboose." Tucker states.

Caboose looks at Loco. "I think he's talking to you. WHY ARE YOU ALL BLUE!?"

LOPEZ and LORENZO watch from afar.

Lorenzo: Dobbiamo collaborare un tirare un Westworld su questi carramorse. [We should team up and pull a Westworld on these meat-bags.]

"To business." Temple states. "Gene has uploaded Loco's requests into your HUD. Now let's break up and see what we can scrounge around... This could also be a chance for us to get to know each other!"

"I suggest we break into groups of two to maximize efficiency!" Gene suggests.

"I suggest we start a counter-clockwise search pattern from the top of the base, down." Simmons suggests.

"That's a great idea! I was just about to suggest it."

"Mm-hmmm..." Simmons turns to Tucker. "Hey, Tucker, you wanna partner up?"

"Whatever." Tucker says.

"Great! Let's go." Simmons walks off and Tucker follows him.

SARGE and SURGE walk through the building.

Sarge: Interesting! I always say a marine without a code is like a car without a road.

Surge: Fascinating! I always say the best defense is a really tall fence.

Sarge: Ya don't say! I always say a good soldier is like a rollin' boulder.

Surge: Well, I'll be! I always say a mantra a day keeps death at bay!

Sarge: Hotdog! I always say the only good Grif is a dead Grif.

Surge: ...what's a Grif?

Sarge: Oh, yeah! You don't have an orange one, do ya? Consider yourselves lucky. You're better off without any Annoying Orange in your life.

Surge: Hmm...

He looks away, pondering. SARGE awkwardly looks around.

Sarge: So...how d'ya feel about...strawberry yoohoo?

Ash and Zsh are walking around.

"Anything, Xi?" Ash asks.

"What?" Zsh is confused.

Xi appears in front of Ash. "Nothing on motion s-s-sensors."

"Good, take a rest." Ash says.

Xi nods and disappears.

"Who's that?" Zsh asks.

"That's my A.I." Ash says. "She helps me with combat stuff and sometime my armor."

"Armor?" 

Ash laughs. "Yeah, one time I accidentally locked my armor and she figured out a way to unlock it."

 "....Interesting." Zsh says in a slight dark tone.

"So, Zsh, do you build bombs?"

"Bombs? Hell no! I think bombs are the ugliest and stupidest thing to ever be designed."

Ash stops and stares at Zsh. Zsh stops and turns to Ash.

"What?" Zsh asks.

"You don't build bombs to kill your enemies?" Ash asks.

"Nope." Zsh says and he takes a sniper off his back. "Why blow someone up when I can pop their head open from 2300 meters with 14.5x114mm AP-FS-DS rounds." Zsh puts his sniper away and pulls out his Mauler. "Or blow a hole in their gut with my Mauler. Ahhh, I like to see people su-" Zsh stops himself and clears his throat. "Explosives just cause a mess and are ugly."

"Ok then." Ash just continues walking and Zsh follows him.

TUCKER and SIMMONS are talking privately.

Tucker: Really? But you guys are like twins.

Simmons: We are not. I'm nothing like that Gene guy. So much of a busybody, nerdy, goody-two-shoes...

Tucker: Yeah man, you just described yourself.

Simmons: Oh, don't–do–just shut up!

Tucker: (mocking) Well how would you describe yourself, Simmons?

Simmons: Not like him, ugh. His voice is so annoying! "Scientifically speaking, I think we should split into pairs and maximize efficiency." I don't sound ANYTHING like that!

He leaves. TUCKER watches him.

Tucker: Mmm-hmm.

They look over at DONUT and CRONUT below them.

Tucker: Yeesh, I can't even imagine what those idiots are talking about.

Donut: How do I possibly choose? Both are big, and thick, and fill me to my navel! But probably Dostoevsky. I find resonance in his perspective that a person is never simply the product of external forces, and––

Cronut: We can debate causality until we're both stiff in the earth, but it won't change the fact that Tolstoy was the more endowed!

Donut: An endowed vision of the bourgeois. Mundane! Flaccid! And frankly, overrated!

Cronut: You are shafting my man, Donut! However, I must say I do appreciate the discourse. I've grown soft around these uncultured philistines.

Donut: We must use our mouths...until the things that are hard...turn to putty in our hands.

Cronut: Ah, Émile Zola! You are well read!

Donut: Well, I certainly didn't just blow my wad on the Russians!

Cut to a bunch of random items being thrown around.

Loco: All these gifts! It's like Christmas!

Caboose: Only with less eggnog and fruitcake! Blegh!

Loco: And not the same without Santa being here! Blegh!

Temple: Great! Is that everything you need?

Loco: Oh yeah! Got all sorts of awesome stuff in here! I can fix our vortex capacitor and have enough multi-casting shifter coils to de-ionize support shields for sure!

Beat.

Caboose: (lost) Uh... what?

"Did you get any of that, Simmons? Ash?" Tucker asks.

"I understand Lopez better than I understood that." Simmons says.

"Je suis tellement perdu." {I am so lost} Ash says in French.

"Es wird passieren." {It'll happen.} Zsh says in German.

"Loco's got a... bit of a knack." Temple states. "If he says he got it, he's got it."

"Mad scientist, huh?" Sarge asks.

"Technically, he'd be a mad engineer." Simmons corrects.

"Unless he goes around, testing hypotheses all day long!" Gene states.

"Goddamn, I can't believe I have to hear this shit in stereo now." Tucker complains and he walks away.

TUCKER goes off to the side. TEMPLE follows him.

Temple: Y'know, I was thinking. It's great that you're all safe, but maybe we should try to get a word of warning to your Freelancers as well. Where are they?

Tucker: Knowing them, they're probably in the middle of some spectacular acrobatic fight scene! Kicking, and punching, and flying through the air... awesome music playing... man, I can just picture it now... You know, Ash is actually a Freelancer, or he was.

"Really?" Temple says.

"Yeah, he was Agent Minnesota, he lets Carolina and Wash call him that, but only them." Tucker says.

Temple looks over to Ash, who's talking with Zsh. "Interesting." 

Cut to a peaceful sun-lit beach.

Carolina: Well, this isn't completely horrible.

Washington: No, it is not.

Blackout.

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08-01-2022

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