Chapter 260: A Fistful of Colours

SIMMONS addresses the camera.

Simmons: I'm the one who keeps everything together. Logistic, dishes, laundry, taking out the trash. You know, you think that would make me popular.

DYLAN and JAX are revealed to be interviewing him.

Jax: Not really.

Simmons: (sighing) Es ta le sulekha.(I'm so alone.)

Dylan: Excuse me?

Simmons: It means "I am so alone"? Jesus. doesn't anybody speak Esperanto?

Dylan: I always thought you were close with Grif. Weren't you two friends?

Simmons: N-no, friends have things in common. Shared interests, common sense of humor. Grif and I were practically different species. Seriously, I did a DNA test on him once. Do you want to know how much pygmy sloth he has in him? Because it's a lot.

We cut to the canyon from the end of the previous episode, as the Reds and Blues enter. The whole location looks a lot like Blood Gulch.

Ash is next to Sarge. 

"It looks different from the others." Dylan states.

"I'm getting the weirdest déjà vu from this place..." Tucker says.

"So I'm not the only one." Ash says.

"Boy, you leave Blood Gulch for a few years and it really falls to pieces." Caboose says.

"This isn't Blood Gulc... Wait..." Tucker starts. "Hold up..."

Caboose looks to the left. "Yep, see! Yep! There's Red Base... Yep!" He looks to the right. "And there is Blue Base." He looks up to the cliff. "Oh, and there's where I shot Church with the tank! That was a very exciting episode..."

"Damn! He's right!" Tucker says. "It's a fucking Blood Gulch replica!"

"Oh, I planted a day lily patch before we left!" Donut informs. "Let's go check if it's here too!"

"Not so fast..." Sarge says. "I smell an ambush... High cover all around! A small area to retreat... Classic kill zone..."

Xi appears on Ash's shoulder. "I've got n-nothing on motion sensors."

"I hate to agree with Sarge, But after what just happened, I think we should error on the side of caution." Tucker says.

"You mean, 'err' on the side of caution." Simmons corrects. 

"Err? Err is not a word."

"Yes, it is! Watch, I'll even use it in a sentence! 'Tucker was forced to pay for an entire elementary school's worth of bastards, After an ERR in judgment.'"

"HA!" Ash yells.

"Wow." Tucker starts. "Way to make fun of a single parent, Simmons. Real Mature."

"Lopez!" Sarge turns to the robot. "We need intelligencia! Do a scan for life forms!"

Lopez: Soy un robot, no la Enterprise Espacial. [I'm a robot, not the Starship Enterprise.]

"Jammed? This is worse than I thought!"

"Somebody should go ahead." Tucker suggests.  "We need, uh... Um, what'cha m'call it?"

"The candy bar?" Ash asks.

"A scout?" Simmons asks.

"I was gonna say sacrifice, But scout works too!" Tucker says. "We need to know if anyone is out there before we walk into this."

In the meantime, CABOOSE has climbed onto a rock. He shouts, and his voice echoes around the canyon.

Caboose: (shouting) HELLO! IS! ANYBODY! OUT! THERE?!

Tucker: (annoyed) ...or before Caboose does that.

Another voice rings from near a transmitter across the canyon.

A very Caboose-like voice: (shouting) JUST! OVER! HERE!

Donut: Man! The echoes in this canyon are weird!

Simmons: That wasn't an echo...that's someone here!

Dylan: Ask them who they are!

Sarge: Nono, find out if it's an ambush!

Caboose: (shouting) ARE YOU A BUSH?!

A very Caboose-like voice: NO! WELL, YEAH! PRETTY SURE!

The soldier runs out from hiding. He looks exactly like CABOOSE.

Not Caboose: I AM NOT A BUSH!

Dylan: Are you getting this?

Jax: Oh, yeah! And, I just discovered the anamorphic setting on my camera! This is gonna look epic!

Appropriately, the image mode switches to anamorphic as the two CABOOSES approach each other at the center of the canyon while some guitar strums play in the background.

They stare at each other silently. Then...

Caboose: Hello! Yeah, you look familiar, have we, umm...Have we met?

Not Caboose: I-I was about to ask you the same thing!

Caboose: Huuuuh...

Not Caboose: Hmm...

Both: I-I don't, uuuh...I don't, uuuh...

Caboose: Oh, I know! Why don't you tell me a little bit more about yourself?

Not Caboose: I have a best friend! Even though sometimes he yells at me...Also! Whenever I get confused! I just say, "Neat."

Caboose: Neat! And uh, where do you see yourself in five years?

Simmons: Caboose, this isn't a job interview! Ask him why does he look like you!

Tucker: No, ask him if he's alone!

Caboose: Why do you look alone?

Not Caboose: We are throwing you a surprise party! All my friends are still hiding!

Surge: (offscreen) Dang it, Loco! You ruined it!

Loco: Oh! (whispered) Surprise.

Surge: We are coming out! Don't shoot!

And just like that, five soldiers who look like LOPEZ, SIMMONS, SARGE, DONUT, ASH, and TUCKER emerge from where LOCO was hiding earlier.

"You see this, Tucker?" Ash asks.

"Yeah, It's us." Tucker says.

The soldiers stand in formation opposite their Red and Blue counterparts.

Sarge: Who in Sam Blazes are you? And why are you dressed like us?

Surge: Ease up there, compadre... That's for the boss to explain.

They look up. Standing on a cliff ledge is TEMPLE, the sniper-wielding blue soldier from before.

"Church?" Xi questions.

Temple: Brothers in arms, we greet you with open––

Caboose: You're not Church!

Temple: ...huh? But I didn't––

CABOOSE has abruptly appeared behind him.

Caboose: Where is he? Why are you dressed like him?

Surge: Perimeter breach! (he draws his weapon) Drop your weapon, son!

TUCKER draws his weapon.

Tucker: Get that gun off my teammate, redneck!

The maroon soldier draws his weapon.

Not Simmons, though he sounds exactly like him: Don't threaten Surge, you dirty Blue!

Tucker: Simmons, what are you doing?

Simmons: Th-that's not me, I'm over here!

Temple: Everyone, please! Let's all take a fucking chill pill, alright? Gene, Surge, lower the guns!

Surge: Sir, yes sir!

GENE and SURGE lower their weapons.

The two groups of soldiers face each other.

Temple: Ahem, sorry, this is all a little weird for me. I just can't believe you're all finally here!

Tucker: Alright, you're real big fans. Can't blame you there, but that's no reason to go around cosplaying as us, you creeps!

Temple: Wh-haha, n-no we're not just dressing like you! We're like you!... that sounds funny, uh, okay, we were also sim-troopers for Project Freelancer. We were stationed here, in this gulch.

Sarge: I don't buy it...

Surge: It's true, son. Every word.

"Yeah, this is a little hard to believe." Simmons says. "I mean, you have a Sarge, a Ash, A Tucker, A Donut-"

"Well, Actually it's Surge, Zsh, Bucky, and Cronut." Temple explains.

"What's next? You're going to tell us you have a Spanish speaking robot as well?"

"Of course not, that would be absurd!" Gene says. "Lorenzo speaks Italian!"

Lorenzo: Ciao. Come stai, nuovi estranei? [Hello. How are you, new strangers?]

"I'm Temple." He greets. "I'm the leader of our team. Not because I want to, it sorta fell on my lap. We call ourselves the Blues and Reds."

"Terrible name!" Sarge says.

"With that out of the way, how about we get the fuck out of here? It ain't safe above ground right now."

"We came here expecting to find Church, Not a bunch of knock off clones!" Tucker says. "So why don't you tell us what's going on, and we can decide whether to kill you or not!"

"We'll tell you everything, just... can we do it in a safer place?" Temple asks.

"Not happening, dude." Tucker says.

"Why don't you start with all the attacks?" Dylan asks.

Temple: I'll start at the truth. The UNSC. The same military you enlisted in, the one that sold your lives and souls to Project Freelancer, well apparently that wasn't enough for them. They're going around killing off everyone involved with the project.

Tucker: Woah, back up. You're suggesting the UNSC is killing the Freelancers.

Temple: (bitter) That's just the cap of the iceberg. It's everyone. Agents, sim-troopers, techs, pilots, janitors...

Donut: But, why?

Temple: I don't know if it's some splinter cell, or some four-star bureaucrat sweeping us all under the rug before he runs for office...but the situation is the same. We only risked coming here because we knew you were close, and we had to warn you.

Tucker: And just how does Church play into all of this? The beacons? The coverup?

Temple: We think he's their prisoner. I don't know how long they've had him, or where he is. We've been gathering intel about our enemies, and we came across his transmission in one of their networks. We built these relays to get in contact. We thought you'd wanna know.

Beat.

Tucker: So, Dylan, are these or are these not the guys that tried to kill you on Sidewinder?

Dylan: I believe they are.

Temple: We what?...You WHAT?

Gene: It's Bucky's fault!

Bucky: You were the one who shot first!

Gene: You gave the order to shoot!

Bucky: I meant shoot like "damn," not shoot like shoot! No matter what, you should've errored on the side of caution, Gene!

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"You should have been more specific." Zsh says.

Gene: How many times do I have to tell you, it's "err"!

Simmons: He's right, "err" is a word!

Tucker and Bucky: No, it's not!

Gene: Regardless, we realized we fucked up and ran away. And they attacked us with that maniac bounty hunter of theirs!

Tucker: Wait a second. The bounty hunter was with you?

Dylan: Temple, even if what you say is true, it's Chorus that's paying the price for your attacks.

Temple: Chorus? That's old news, lady. The peace talks worked. Chorus is fine. We have a new strategy now anyway. A––

Something starts beeping. TEMPLE looks at SURGE.

Temple: What is it, Surge?

Surge: Proximity alert just went off! We got... incomin'!

Tucker: Incoming what?

They all look up.

Temple: ...Bad guys.

Five fighter jets emerge from behind the cliffs and starts heading towards their position.

UNSC Pilot 1: Targets located. Fixing missile lock.

The two teams retreat.

UNSC Pilot 2: Haha, oh yeah, look at 'em run!

UNSC Pilot 1: Outlook spotted weapons free. Engage.

UNSC Pilot 3: Apple two, fox three!

The soldiers retreat into a base.

Simmons: Ahh, run!

Loco: I died!

Dylan: Roll camera!

Jax: Oh, this is gonna be great for my reel!

SARGE fires shot after shot at the jets while SURGE comes running out with a rocket launcher. He fires a shot, which one of the fighters dodges.

Surge: Grab one, son. That's an order!

Sarge: Woah, woah, woah! Rank check!

Surge: Colonel.

Sarge: Same. Do you remember the procedure for this?

Surge: Hehe, of course!

They play Rock, Paper, Scissors. SURGE beats SARGE with paper.

SARGE pulls out a rocket launcher.

Sarge: Awaiting orders, sir!

They each fire a shot, which hits one of the fighter jets and destroys it.

Sarge: Ye-haw!

Surge: That was a heck of a shot, son!

Sarge: Hot damn it feels good to be back in the chain of command! Woo-hoo!

Surge: It's great to have ya on our side!

Sarge: Ya-ha-hoo!

They keep firing rockets. The other jets start firing at them and they are forced to retreat into the base. TEMPLE and TUCKER are there.

Temple: We need to spread out! We're jammed like sardines in here!

Tucker: Lopez! Pasta robot! Draw their fire off the left flank!

Lopez: Sí. [Yes.]

Lorenzo: Sì. [Yes.]

Lopez: Vamanos. [Let's go.]

Lorenzo: An diamo. [Let's go.]

Tucker: Donut! Pink man!

Cronut: Ooh, technically it's reddish white!

Tucker: Don't care! Get to the roof! We need you to avert their fire!

DONUT gets on the roof. CRONUT joins him.

Donut: Looks like we've got quite the sticky mess on our hands!

Cronut: Let's blow our tops together after a short countdown!

Donut: I'm wide open to that idea, but where should we count down from?

Cronut: Ten! No, five! Or, let's make it a quickie!

Donut: I can get behind that!

A fighter jet sneaks up on them and fires a shot, sending them flying.

Both: AUUGHH!

Jax: Augh!

Dylan: What in God's name are you doing?

Jax: Ah, I'm practicing my Wilhelm scream! Y'know, in case I get thrown by an explosion like them!

Dylan: Your what?

Jax: Wilhelm scream. "Augh!" You know, the one from every movie!

Dylan: This isn't a movie! They could be injured!

Jax: Ah, yeah. What was I thinking? We should definitely just add it in post.

SARGE and SURGE keep firing rockets at one of the jets, managing to destroy it. Another one takes its place, and they retreat.

Simmons: That's the last of the AA!

Gene: We triple checked!

Simmons: Twice!

Temple: Three left. Dibs on one. Got any bright ideas for the other two?

Tucker turns to the two crimson soldiers. "Ash, and other Ash, can you two get the other."

"On it!" The two yell.

Ash and Zsh run out of the base and dodge the bullets and missiles. One of the Wasp's chase after them.

"Can you distract it and bring it to the cliff edge?" Ash asks Zsh.

"Of course." Zsh says.

Ash runs off and Zsh turns to the Wasp. "Hey, Ugly! Did your momma forget to hug you this morning!" 

The Wasps zooms at Zsh and he begins to panic, he runs towards the cliff.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" Zsh yells. Zsh reaches to the Cliff edge. "What ever you're doing, HURRY!"

Up to the cliff.

Ash is running and he sees the Wasp at the edge of the cliff and he reaches for his sword. "Xi!"

Xi appears on his shoulder. "On it!" She snaps her fingers and time slowly comes to a stop.

Xi takes a deep breath and Delta and Theta appear behind her. "Delta, tell me about the aircraft. Theta, run a scan of the Wasp and see if you can spit any weak points."

Theta nods. "On it."

He flashes over to the Wasp and Xi looks at Delta.

"The AV-49 Wasp has a Maximum speed of 500 kilometers per hour (310 mph). It has Light armor. It has an Armament of twin 7.62mm heavy machine guns and  Twin 50mm missile launchers." Delta explains.

"Hmmm." Xi rubs her chin.

"Oh, oh." Theta speaks up. "The tilt engines have the thinnest armor."

"Thanks, Theta." Xi says as she walks over to the Wasp. "So, if Ash were too..."

A hologram of Ash appears and he slices the left engine in half, causing the Wasp to crash and explode.

"That would be en efficient method." Delta says.

"Then let's go with this." Xi says and a screen appears in front of her and she swipes it into Ash's Helmet.  "Have fun, A-Ash."

Xi snaps her fingers and she, including the other two, disappear.  

Time resumes and Ash takes out his sword as he runs and jumps up into the air. He swings his sword and gracefully lands on the ground.

After a few seconds the Wasp crashes into the ground behind him. Ash twirls his sword and sheaths it onto his back. 

Zsh runs up to Ash. "That was awesome!"

Ash just chuckles.

The two teams meet in the canyon.

Temple: Casualty report.

Jax: Well, the pink dudes got blown up.

DONUT and CRONUT approach the group.

Donut: We're okay!

Cronut: My daylily patch cushioned our fall.

Surge: Both robots have been dismembered, sirs.

Lopez: [Damn, this sucks.]

Lorenzo: [This sucks, damn.]

Temple: Gather the parts, but do it quick, we're leaving. You all can come with or not, but the UNSC will be sending reinforcements any minute. The surface is no longer safe.

Dylan: Why do you keep saying surface?

We cut to an underwater lair.

Temple: Welcome home, my friends. While we're here, we're safe.

CABOOSE looks around in awe. As he names things he inexplicably teleports in front of them in several rapid cuts.

Caboose: (gasps) This place is awesome! There are fishes! Dripping water! Swimming pools! Great machine!

TEMPLE runs before the machine.

Temple: Woah-woah-woah-woah, uh, this area is off-limits. We wouldn't want anyone getting hurt, after all.

Dylan: What is this thing?

Temple: That's... how we stay hidden. It's a sorta cloaking device. Now, why don't you make yourselves at home? I do hope that you'll be our guests in the mess hall this evening for dinner. (slowly) We've having fish...

Everyone leaves and Zsh and Ash walk together. 

"So, Zsh, how many weapons have you built?"  Ash asks.

"Hundreds." Zsh says.

"What?" Ash asks confused.

"Yeah, you see the weapon Surge has, Yeah, I built that" Zsh holds up his mauler. "I even built this."

"So none of your experiments explode?"

"Experiments? No, I don't do experiments. I build weapons that work, I don't experiment, that only leads to failure. Do you experiment?"

"Hehehe, nooooo."

"Right, well, I'll see you later, I've got weapons to clean." Zsh says and he walks off.

"I'm starting to not like him." Ash mumbles.

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08-01-2022

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