Chapter 273: Season 15 Final: Epilogues

As DYLAN, JAX, and the Blood Gulch Crew stare in shock, CABOOSE slowly turns to see CHURCH standing on the other side of the portal, in Blood Gulch from all those years ago.

Church: What the FUCK guys?! I came up here for some peace and quiet!

Dylan: (shocked) What on Earth is happening?

Jax: (scoffing) Loco's machine opened a portal to the past! Jeez, Dylan, try to keep up.

Tucker: Oh, no-freakin'-way!

"Holly shit!" Ash gasps in awe.

Loco: (last gasps) Hurry! Hurry, Caboose... you don't... have... long...

Caboose slowly approaches the portal.

Tucker: Caboose! Pull him through!

Caboose: No, Tucker. I... I know what I need to do.

Church: Seriously, what the fuck is happening right now? Is there something in the water?

Caboose: Church... Church, there's a lot of things I never got to say, and... I know I won't get another chance to say them, so: I think you are cool. Like, super awesome, amazing cool and... I, I always felt like really awesome too, when we were hanging out together. You know, I never really felt sad... when you died, because––

Church: Whadyou mean when I died?!

Caboose shushes Church by putting a finger against his visor through the portal (hello animation contrast).

Caboose: Shh, shh, sh. (on the verge of tears) I-I never felt sad when you died because I couldn't imagine a world without you. But I know it's real. I... I know. And I'm sad. Things...things really aren't okay without you. But I know with my other friends––who, even if you add them all up together aren't really cool as you––I know we're all gonna be okay. (firmer) I know we're all gonna be okay. (with finality) I know we're all gonna be okay. Go back to heaven now, Church. And say hello to Loco when you get there. He was alright too.

The portal closes on Church as he speaks.

Church: All right! Which one of you asshats wants to tell me what the fuck is going on right now?

As soon as it closes, the machine begins to overload.

"What in name of Patton's great ghost was that!?" Sarge yells.

"It was pretty awesome!" Ash yells. "Maybe..."

"I don't know if we're gonna be around long enough to parse together a theory!" Simmons says.

Dylan: We're out of time! We need to do something!

"Blow it up!" Ash suggests.

Tucker: Like what? Shoot it?

Beat.

Jax: Oh! No, we need a sacrifice!

Dylan: Shut up, Jax.

Jax: No, listen! That's how this always works! One of us needs to heroically sacrifice themselves while giving an emotional monologue!

Sarge: Dammit, he's right!

Dylan: What?

Tucker: Sarge!

"It makes sense!" Ash says.

"Ash!" Tucker yells.

Sarge: But who's willing to lay down their life to save everyone else...?

Grif: Not it!

Simmons: (immediately) Not it!

"Fuck!" Ash yells.

Tucker: NO ONE NEEDS TO MAKE A HEROIC SACRIFICE!

V.I.C.: (glitchily) Yo-yo-yo! Did I just hear the words "heroico sacrificico"?

Tucker: Ah, goddammit!

Dylan: V.I.C.! Vic, I know it's a long shot, but it appears this machine has some computer systems. Can you try to acc––

V.I.C.: (glitchily) Ya ya ya! And this is Wish Number... uh... uh...

Dylan: Wish Number Three! The last one. Now go!

V.I.C. quickly downloads into the system. He appears on a screen.

V.I.C.: (glitchily) Oh boy! Hey guys! Hey du-didilly-do! I've never seen a system like this one before!

Dylan: Can you stop it?!

V.I.C.: (glitchily) No way! NO WAY! BUT MAYBE I CAN STABILIZE IT! I'LL GIVE IT A TRY, DUUDEEERRRIIINOOO...!!!

As the machine overloads, time stops, and a dial tone plays. There is a brief moment of only static. Then...

V.I.C.: Dudes, dudettees, and duderinos! If you're hearing this message, that's because I can't get to the phone right now. It also means I had to erase my cebasa to save all of y'all. Yerrr welcome! And your old buddy Vic only has one more thing to say to you dudes...

An 8-bit version of "Contact (Final Transmission)" begins to play as a frozen shot of the Reds and Blues plays. .

V.I.C.: Y'know, there are so many stories where some brave hero steps up and goes and gives their lives to save the day. And because of it, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, hurray! and everybody lives happily ever after. EXCEPT FOR VIC! Oh yeah! I'm out of here! Leave a message after the beep, compadres! But I won't check it, because I'm in the eternal infinity! This is 5-5-5 V-I-C-K signing off!

He appears one last time on screen.

V.I.C.: (threatening) And if anybody backed me up, I will punch you in the nuts.

Time resumes. The machine seems to turn off.

Tucker: Did he do it?

Dylan: He did... something...

"Uh..." Ash says.

The machine begins to crackle with electricity. A bolt flies out and briefly hits DONUT with its charge.

Donut: (giggling) Whoah! It tickles! E-he-he-whoaaa!

The noise grows loud... and then the machine anticlimactically simply pops out of existence, leaving no trace of it behind.

Grif: Does someone wanna explain what the fuck just happened?

Tucker: We uh...we won! I think?

"Awww, no awesome explosion." Ash says. He the grunts in pain and puts a hand on his stomach.

Tucker turns in time to see Temple trying to sneak away. He angrily approaches him and draws his sword. Temple freezes in place.

Tucker: This is for Wash, you piece of shit...

Carolina and Doc approach.

Carolina: Tucker, stop.

Tucker: Oh, come on! Now you show up?

Carolina: Don't kill him.

Temple: (terrified) I-I think she makes a great point, Tucker!

Tucker: But he deserves it more than anyone! He's a killer!

Carolina: And so are we. But we're a different sort, Tucker. We only fight and take lives when we have to. And you don't have to this time.

Temple: Yeah, Tucker! If you kill me, you'll just perpetuate this never-ending cycle of revenge and retaliation! (attempting to segue into monologue mode) My friends will avenge me!

Tucker: (sly) What friends?

Temple has no response as he looks around, lost.

Temple: I... uh...

Tucker raises his sword.

Temple: No, nononono! Don't, please...!

Just as he swings it down, Tucker retracts the sword and instead punches Temple out cold.

Tucker: Dickhead.

"Good job, Tucker!" Ash says.

"Thanks..." Tucker turns around. "Whoa, dude are you okay?"

Ash is wobbling back and forth.  "Yeah, why?"

"You look like you're about to fall over." Simmons explains.

"What.... no..." Ash says and he suddenly drops his gun and falls backwards onto the ground.

"Ash!" Everyone runs over to him as blood starts to pool under ash.

"Ash, Ash, can you hear me!" Tucker yells.

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"He's not breathing!" Simmons yells.

"Doc!" Carolina yells.

"On it!" Doc crouches down to Ash.

"Don't die soldier, that's an order!" Sarge orders.

Everything goes black. 

"Ash?" Caboose asks in a worried tone.

Fade to the shore, where the Lieutenants from Chorus have arrived in a ship, meeting the Reds and Blues there. Ash isn't there. Axel is still in the Pelican, trying to get his harness off.

Smith: Did somebody call for backup?

Palomo: Aww, we didn't miss the party, did we?

Tucker: Hey! Look who finally showed up.

Grif: Just in time to mop up another one of our messes.

Sister: (offscreen) Big bro? Is that you?!

Grif looks and sees Sister running down the gangplank towards him.

Sister: Dex?!

Grif: Aw, hell... what are you doing here?

Sister: I was on Chorus for business when these weirdos got your call. They let me tag along!

Grif: Business?! Oh god, do I need to confiscate your webcams again?!

Sister: Bitch, shut up and hug me!

Sister hugs Grif. After a moment, he returns the hug.

Jensen: Oh! You'll be happy to know Dr. Grey has Washington alive and recovering!

Carolina: Oh, that's music.

Tucker: Oh, thank Christ.

Palomo: Oh, he asked us to deliver an important message to you all. But then he just sang the DuckTales theme song and fell back to sleep. (singing DuckTales) A-woo-oo!

Smith: President Kimball has questions about his delivery to Chorus. Apparently, no one at DD General can figure out how he ended up at the hospital in the first place.

Simmons: (awkward) That's a, hrm, a long story... Uh, maybe don't worry her with it right now.

Dylan: But I have a feeling her relationship with the UNSC will get a little easier after we file the final story.

Simmons: How about V.I.C., huh?

Sarge: Amen. The least we owe our fallen comrade here is a moment of respectful silence...

Barely a moment.

Sarge: (quickly) Anyway, who's hungry?

Simmons: I'm peckish. I could eat.

Tucker: I could go for some grub.

Grif: I could eat a horse!

Carolina: With you, I'm worried that's not a figure of speech...

Grif: That's a figure of speech?

Simmons: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Grif: Whatever. Are we done here? Because I've got some volleyballs to spike in this fucking volcano.

Cut to Dylan and Jax alone on a rock.

Dylan: Job well done, Jax. Nothing left to do but post this bad boy.

Jax: And read all the comment threads!

Dylan: Any idea what you'll do when the dust settles? Back to film school?

Jax: Well, I don't know. Gotta say, this whole thing did give me a wicked idea for a movie!

Dylan: (truthfully) Send me the script when it's done, will ya? I'd love to check it out.

Jax: Of course!

Dylan: And uh...good job, partner.

Jax: Dylan... you know I'll never forget this, right? (thousand-yard stare) I mean, PTSD is forever, isn't it?

Cut to Dylan in the crashed remains of her ship. She is talking on a sliplink with Carlos Trabka.

Dylan: (cheerfully) Hi Carlos, guess who...?

Carlos: (passive-aggressively cheerful) Dylan Andrews, that's whooo... I'm so excited. How are you?

Dylan: I'm well. How are you?

Carlos: Well, after you stole my ship and went missing with my nephew, I did have somewhat of a breakdown. But I'm fine now. The doctors have me on horse tranquilizers, and I feel like a fluffy soft load of laundry! Hehehehehe! Please, please, Dylan. Enough about me. How are you doing?

Dylan: Great! The assignment's all finished.

Carlos: Ooohh, that's wonderful news! I never doubted you for a single solitary second! Tell me: Dylan, how is my nephew?

Dylan: He's good! His bullet wounds are healing nicely!

Carlos: (starting to crack) B-bullet...did you say his wounds? Wounds as in...p-p-plural?

Dylan: Yeah! Multiple gunshot wounds! He's in much better shape than your ship, though! This thing is totaled.

Carlos: My ship is totaled. (more cracks) My shiiiiiiiii... doesn't matter. Does not matter. You know what really matters? The story. Did you get the story?

Dylan's sliplink starts to ring. It's her husband James Adler.

Dylan: Yes, but it'll have to wait. Someone is, finally returning my call.

Carlos: (finally breaking) I'M NOT WAITING! Don't you dare hang up on me, alright?! I'm not above putting a contract out on your stinky, filthy, pencil-headed little life, Dylan! AHAHAHAHA...!

Dylan: (like V.I.C.) Yo, dude. Take a chill pill. I don't have the bandwidth for the full feed, but I can at least send you the wrap-up while I take this.

Carlos: You listen to me! I'm talkin––

Dylan hangs up and takes James's call.

Dylan: Hi James...

We cut to a shot of the Reds and Blues and the Lieutenants staring off into the sunset.

Dylan: (voiceover) When I first described the Reds and Blues, I called them heroes. That may have been premature. What I've come to understand after spending time with them is that they're more than that. They're stupid...and arrogant...and lazy...and selfish...and stubborn. None of the qualities any reasonable person would call heroic.

As Dylan continues to talk, we pan over shots of, in order: the retirement base, Desert Gulch, Armonia, Sidewinder, the abandoned city, and the underwater lair.

Dylan: What the Reds and Blues have taught me is that...it's not the sum of your parts that makes you who you are. It's not what you're endowed with, not your intelligence or strength, but what you hold onto throughout the hardest trials of life. These people have shown me that real heroes are not born, they're forged. A friend told me once that there's no fate but what you make. And I think he's right.

We get a shot of Grif and Simmons next to each other.

Dylan: What makes a hero is their ability to choose light over darkness.

A shot of Sarge.

Dylan: To walk through fire and not be burned.

A shot of Lopez's head at the bottom of the ocean.

Dylan: To fall from great heights and not be broken.

A shot of Dr. Grey looking over Washington lying on a table. She's holding a bundle of blankets in her arm and a baby hand reaches up towards her.

Dylan: To be changed and reborn and be better for it, again and again.

A shot of Caboose.

Dylan: It's who you become when you lose someone close.

A shot of Tucker and Carolina.

Dylan: When the world stops making sense, when you're... thrust into responsibility that you never asked for.

And a shot of Blood Gulch.

Dylan: That's what makes a hero... and that's what makes the Reds and Blues some of the greatest our universe has ever seen.

One last shot of the Reds and Blues on the island.

Dylan: This has been Dylan Andrews... Interstellar Daily.

Back with everyone.

Axel finally exits out of the ship and looks around. "Guys, where's Ash?"

The Reds and Blues look down.

.

.

.

On a cliff over looking the ocean, we see the sun setting and a grave on the edge of the cliff.