Chapter 275: S16: The Shisno

(Ash might not appear as much in this season.)

In the Medieval times, the blue sky pans down to a lone stone parapet. A lute can be heard playing in the background. Two knights - one wearing orange and the other wearing maroon - stand guard atop the watchtower armed with crossbows, before having an all too familiar conversation, albeit in Old English.

Maroon Knight: Ho!

Orange Knight: Hark?

Maroon Knight: Doth thee ever wonder wherefore we be hither?

Orange Knight: Ah, one of life's most wondrous mysteries. Wherefore art we hither? Art we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or perhaps the Lord God doth watch over everything after all? I knoweth not, good sir, but it doth keep me up at night.

The two stare at each other as an explosion goes off within the castle, someone yells within.

Maroon Knight: What? I meanst wherefore art we out here? Betwixted in this canyon? What wast all yon stuffeth about God?

Orange Knight: Wha- ! (chuckles) No! It- It was- It was naught. It was naught!

A knight wearing scarlet red that has black scorch marks walks past the two, while holding a cross bow.

"Greetings, friend." The two other knights say.

"Greetings." The scarlet knight says.

Maroon Knight: Doth thee... wanteth to speaketh it?

Orange Knight: Nay.

Maroon Knight: Are thee sure?

Orange Knight: Oh- um, yea.

Maroon Knight: Loseth not thy faith, my unfusty cousin. The Lord God doth gaze upon all of us from His high seat on the throne of Heaven. He hath a purpose for each one of us! I assure you, we art all part of His holy plan!

Unbeknownst to the two of them, a pink portal opens up behind them. The camera zooms into the portal as it zooms through a blue tunnel while a voice speaks.

Muggins: There is an unwritten rule in our universe, where the greatest changes hinge on the humblest of actions. A trick, an act of friendship, a slice of pepperoni pizza. Suddenly, all is lost. The end is nigh...

A montage showing some of the latter moments from the previous season are shown while the voice continues to speak.

Muggins: The fates told us that the beginning of our end was an ending of its own, but their prophecy came too late. Not before the Reds and Blues have vanquished their foe. Not before their foe had activated the temporal vortex. Most critically, not before the device fulfilled its true purpose. We watched in horror, my lord, unable to prevent the calamity that follows.

The Reds, Blues, Chorus Lieutenants, along with CAROLINA, DOC, DYLAN ANDREWS, and JAX JONES all stand together not too long after the ending of the previous episode.

And our favorite Spartan/Freelancer, is standing next to Grif. He's testing out his prosthetic left arm as he moves his strange robotic right leg.

Grif: I could eat a horse!

Carolina: With you, I'm worried that's not a figure of speech.

Grif: That's a figure of speech?

Simmons: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Grif: Whatever, are we done here? 'Cuz I got some volleyballs to spike in this fucking volcano.

Simmons: Was that an attempt at a metaphor?

Tucker: Yo, are we serious about grub? My stomach is rumbling! With all the fighting and shooting, I think we skipped a meal or three.

"Yeah, I'm really hungry too." Ash speaks up. "Getting shot and stabbed makes you really hungry."

Tucker turns to Ash. "Y'know, I thought you died."

"I'm very hard to kill."

"I'm very glad your okay, Ash!" Axel says with great happyness."

"So what happened?" Carolina asks.

"I saved him!" Doc says with excitement. 

"Saved is a strong word. More like, helping me live."

Several minutes earlier.

Back in the room where the temporal vortex was we see Doc standing over Ash as he groans.

"I hate getting stabbed." Ash groans.

"Yeah, I don't recommend it. But luckily your armor locked up and your suit has a small healing unit in it." Doc states. "We're just lucky that Xi was here."

Xi flashes onto Doc's shoulder, but she's glitching.

"I-I-I'm gl-glad you're al-al-alright Ash." Xi says while glitching.

"How are you alive?" Ash asks. "I thought Temple crushed your A.I. chip."

Delta appears behind Xi. "Delta f-found an emp-emp-empty storage unit within your h-h-helmet. S-S-S-S-So I trans-fer-fer-fered myslef in-into it. B-b-b-b-ut I-I-I was to weak to le-le-eave it. Even now I-I-I shouldn't be out, B-B-But I can't let you d-d-d-die."

Ash chuckles. "I was pretty devastated about losing you. But I'm glad your back."

Suddenly the twins appear on Ash's stomach and look up to Xi. They give her a thumbs up and disappear.

"Seems l-like you-you-your're good. F-F-F-F-or now." Xi glitches out.

"And I managed to keep another person from dying." Doc says and he looks down to Ash. "You know flipping someone off isn't nice."

Present.

"Where's Xi now?" Simmons asks.

"She's resting." Ash stretches and a few pops are heard. "Man that felt good. So can we go get some food?"

Sarge: There ain't no good reason to go out for chow! We still got MRE's to spare! I've got an emergency supply stuffed in Lopez for this very situation!

Carolina: You seriously keep food in Lopez?

Sarge: Yes ma'am, right up his keister! Waaaay deep in there, next to his radioisotope nuclear generator! They always stay nice and toasty! Mm-mm.

Sister: Kinky.

Palomo: Gross!

Simmons: You think that's gross? Just wait till you see where the condiments come out...

"Yeah, hot dog day was not fun." Ash says.

Grif: Look guys, we could get leukemia from eating out of Lopez's butt literally anytime, but right now, we're on Earth. Culinary capital of the civilized galaxy! Let's go out!

Tucker: Shouldn't we stick around? Deal with the cops?

Dylan: May be best to let us handle that. The UNSC still thinks you're all terrorists. I'd suggest lay low until the truth comes to light.

Tucker: Great, so food.

Grif: Maybe Italian?

"How about Salmon En Papillote?"

Sarge: How 'bout a blood sausage? Or some blood pudding? Or the blood of my ADVERSARIES! You know, just to mix things up.

Tucker: Chili's is always tight.

Grif: There's a Chili's on Chorus now, we could do that anytime.

"I don't like Chili's." Ash mumbles.

Caboose: Oh! How 'bout Home Depot? They have the best cotton candy.

Carolina: And now, we know where all the wall insulation went...

Tucker: Steaks! How 'bout a big ol' rib-eye?

"J'adore les steaks!" Ash yells.

Doc: Maybe something with a vegetarian option?

Grif: You don't get a vote! You lost it when you betrayed us. (under his breath) Purple Judas...

Sister: Hooters?

Tucker: Lifetime ban.

"What's Hooters?" Ash asks.

"Oh, man!" Tucker yells. "I wish I could take you there"

"What about you Ash?" Simmons asks.

"Hmmm, Subway?" Ash says.

"Fuck no!" Grif yells. "Too many vegetables!"

Simmons: Donut?

Grif: Simmons, I like the way you think, but let's save that for dessert.

Simmons: No, where's Donut? Shouldn't he be down here yelling about fondue?

"I was wondering why I didn't hear any jokes about eating a foot-long." Ash says.

Grif: Dammit! Caboose, we know you'll eat anything. Why don't you just go find Donut? We'll make a plan!

Caboose: Okay, I'll find him.

Simmons: How about sushi?

Sarge: No way, Jose! Red team only eats winner food! No chow from any country that ever lost a World War! No German! No Japanese! And no French Canadian!

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Caboose walks out from behind a rock

Caboose: Has anyone seen my penny?

Grif: Caboose, focus! What did we tell you to do?

Caboose: Start a fixed-interest savings account!

"That's a good idea!" Ash yells.

Grif: No! Find Donut!

Caboose: OK! [leaves]

Sister: How about poke?

Grif: Gross, no fish! I want something that can give me a heart attack! How do you feel about turducken?

"Five guys?" Ash asks.

Meanwhile, Caboose walks back into the facility to look for Donut.

Caboose: Hey Donut! Hey, uh, you know, we're getting some food. Do you, uh.... eat food?

Multiple copies of Donut are shown running around the room screaming, some zapping in and out of existence, and some lined up turning their heads one by one. Disturbing noises can be heard from the Donuts. Caboose, of course, remains oblivious to what goes on in front of him.

Caboose: Ah, yeah, me too. Tell me, how do you feel about Greek?

All of Donut's copies zap back into the real Donut, who levitates in the air and gets his body bent in many unnatural ways, causing him to scream.

Caboose: Yeah, me neither. What about fish and chips?

Donut continues to scream in pain has his body starts to spin and have spikes protruding from him.

Caboose: ...yeah, I am always confused about that too. Why say chips when you mean freedom fries?

Donut screams out loudly one more time before his body suddenly pops out of existence.

Caboose: Yeah, okay! See you soon.

Back outside...

Grif: That's it, I'm putting my foot down.

Tucker: Well, let's just--

Grif: Trust me, dudes! Sammie Raphaello's is the best fucking pizza on Earth.

Simmons: Sarge?

Sarge: I can live with pizza. Like Doc, the Italians switched sides at the last minute in all three world wars! But no calzones! We're leaving the calzone in the friendzone.

"I want pizza, like really badly now." Ash says. "I wonder how much C4 I could add to pizza before anyone would notice?"

Grif: Great! So there's... fourteen of us?

Palomo: Nah, we're good. We all ate on the way here. There's an In-N-Out in the Delta Ari system now!

Jensen: And we really need to get back home, there are some very interesting things happening on Chorus these days!

"Yeah, I ate on the way here." Axel states.

Grif: Can't wait to change the subject! I mean... Can't wait to hear all about it! But later, not now.

Carolina: If you guys are heading back to Chorus, I'd love to hitch a ride. I'd like to make sure Wash is on the mend. Not that you'd need my permission, but you all have earned some R&R. Enjoy your pizza, and grab a to-go slice for Washington.

Tucker: One slice? I'm bringing that dude back a deep dish and garlic knots.

"And I'll bake a cake for him." Ash says. "Xi surprisingly knows a bunch of recipes." 

Sister: I'm in! It sounds fun. And maybe we can get into some crazy shit along the way!

Grif: No adventures! We are not getting involved in any more stupid bullshit! I've invented a new science to make sure of it.

Simmons: A new science?

"Oh, I can't wait to hear this." Ash chuckles.

Grif: You can't tell, but I'm winking pretty hard right now.

Caboose rejoins the group.

Tucker: Caboose! You were supposed to bring back Donut!

Caboose: Ah, yeah, uh, Donut's gone. He left.

Tucker: He left the island?

Caboose: Uhhh, yes! Definitely though.

Carolina: I'm confused, where did he go?

Caboose: You know, he didn't say. It was a little rude.

Grif: Good enough for me! Let's boogie.

Sarge: And leave Donut behind?

Simmons: Yeah, sounds like he left us.

"Baise-le ! J'ai faim!" Ash yells in french.

Tucker: Maybe we should look around, just to be sure.

Sarge: Alright! Ain't no party like a search party!

Grif: No! No looking around, no more standing around talking, no more nothing! Let's just get out of here before the cops show up and stick us in space Guantanamo where the food is terrible!

Sister: Someone's hangry...

Simmons: That's Grif's secret, he's always hangry...

Grif: You're goddamn right I'm hangry! I don't understand why everything has to be such a great big goddamn production with you people! We're going out for pizza! Not some epic quest!

Caboose: We're going on a pizza quest!

Grif: (sigh) Do not call it that. It is not a pizza quest, we're going to Sammie Raphaello's for a large pepperoni, end of story.

"Oh, I want some Canadian bacon." Ash says and he hears a click and Ash turns to see Sarge pointing his shotgun at him. "Ummm, I'll just get some sausage." Sarge lowers his shotgun.

The two ships then take off. Suddenly, two small light beings come out of hiding, having overheard the Reds and Blues conversation.

Huggins: Oh. The. Gods! Muggins, can you friggin' believe it?

Muggins: Settle, Huggins! Watch closely and do not let the mortals leave your sight.

Huggins: Oh. Yeah! Solo mission for the rookie! I can handle it, chief! Coach! Uh... capitan!!

Muggins: I will return as soon as I can. Do not let them see you.

Huggins: I'm an invisible fly on an invisible wall! Zip, zip, zeep!

Huggins follows the Reds and Blues, while Muggins travels out of Earth's atmosphere into the cosmos of space. As he flies through space, the season's opening credits are listed. Muggins eventually arrives at a planet located near a black hole. He enters a castle and flies by a figure in green armor golfing.

Genkins: No running in the hall, Mug-bug!

Muggins then approaches his superior, a giant sitting on a throne of sorts.

Muggins: Your grace, I bear grave tidings from the human homeworld.

Atlus: Speak.

Muggins: The final prophecy is unfolding. The Pizza Quest is begun!

RED VS. BLUE: THE SHISNO PARADOX

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10-09-2022

2389 words.

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