Chapter 276: Incendiary Incidents

In a grassy area surrounded by forests...

Grif: Let's just go. Just once, let's just not and say we did.

Sarge: Nice try, Grif. You ain’t truffle-shufflin’ your way out of this one.

Grif: Guys. I already know what you're going to say, so there's no reason to say it. Why don't we skip the part where you all make fun of me for crashing the Pelican and move on!

The next shot shows the Reds and Blues standing next to the crashed Pelican.

"You know, in hindsight I should have been the one to fly it." Ash says.

Grif: I'm sure that every single one of your insults was clever and funny and witty and smart! So let's just mark ‘em all as ‘read,’ okay? Ya got me, I'm got.

Sarge: Grif, regulations clearly state that any pilot who crashes a spaceship because he got too excited about stuffed crust is subject to at least an hour of roasting! Per survivor!

Tucker: That's going to take forever. Can't we just go once around the horn?

Sarge: Aww! How in Sam Hell am I supposed to cram 350 pounds of pure failure into a single insult?

Grif: That counts! Sis?

Sister: You should really stick with what you're good at, big bro: not calling Mom, and sucking the cheese out of mozzarella sticks.

"You're a fatass." Ash says.

"Like I never heard that one before." Grif states.

Xi appears on Ash's shoulder, albeit a little glitchy. "Your bo-bo-body wei-wight is higher than A-A-A-As-As-Ash's kill count."

"Hey, No A.I.'s!" Grif yells and Xi flashes away.

Doc: Maybe next time you'll--

Grif: Primary cast only.

Tucker: Next time we need a pilot, I'm gonna insist on someone smarter. (scoffs) Like Caboose! Or your Guy Fieri bobblehead!

Caboose: Awww! Your mama's so fat!

Pause as everyone waits for Caboose's followup.

Simmons:You... got a punchline for that joke, Caboose?

Caboose: Ahhh, joke?

Simmons: (to Grif) Crap landing, doofus.

Grif: Thanks for being quick. So, Simmons... any idea where we are?

Simmons: According to my mini-map, this Sammie Raphaello's place is close. It's just through these slightly ominous woods...

Shot shows the woods covered in an eerie fog with ominous owl noises.

"I bet there's a great adventure in there!"

Grif: How about these less ominous woods? Could we get there that way?

Grif turns the other way, which shows a sunshine-lit forest with flowers and pleasant bird noises.

Simmons: Hm, it's a little longer, but yeah.

Grif: Better safe than sorry!

Grif eagerly takes off toward the less ominous woods.

Simmons: (watching Grif) Hmm.

The rest of the Reds and Blues follow Grif. Unbeknownst to them, the small twinkling sparkle of Huggins follows close behind. As they walk through the forest, Huggins follows closely behind Tucker, but quickly hides in a nearby trunk when he looks behind him.

Caboose: Ah, bathroom break!

Tucker: Just go in your suit, Caboose. We have waste disposal systems for a reason.

Ash walks by and a slurping sound is heard from his helmet. 

Caboose: I, ehm. [Clears throat.] Yes, I cannot go with other people around, sorry.

Ash and Simmons walk over to Grif.

Simmons: [To Grif.] So, us taking the long way around these woods wouldn't have anything to do with your new science, now would it?

"Yes, if there's a new science. I want to know about it!" Ash says. "Maybe it can be involved in making weapons!"

Grif: I don't know what you're talking about, Simmons. Ash.

Simmons: Are you winking right now?

Grif: If I let you two in on this, you've gotta promise to keep it on the down low. The fewer people know about this, the better.

Simmons: Hand to god.

"I Ash 'The Insane and badass former Freelancer/Spartan' promises."

Grif: Hee hee. I came up with a new system, and now that it's in effect, we are never gonna have to do anything ever again!

Simmons: Your new science is laziness?!

Ash turns to Simmons. "Are you surprised?"

Simmons turns to Ash. "I suppose not."

Grif: [Conspiratorially.] What's new is the how. See, when I was alone on Iris, and definitely not losing my mind out of boredom, I found this book that Jax left behind. It was all about story structure.

Simmons: Like for movies?

Grif: Yeah, and TV and whatever. See, the book talks about these things at the beginning of stories. They're called ‘incendiary incidents.’ They're these things that make stories happen. I thought, shit, if we can avoid incendiary incidents in real life, then we never have to do anything ever again!

"How does that work in real life?" Ash asks.

Grif: So earlier, when Jensen said ‘very interesting things’ were happening on Chorus—that could mean some crazy shit with temples, or some real trouble with the UNSC, or who knows what. But it's definitely incendiary, so I deftly changed the subject before we could find out more.

Simmons: I see...

Grif: And when we were in the Pelican, Locus sent us an encrypted message about something important, but I crashed the ship into the ground before anyone even noticed. It means we’ve gotta walk the rest of the way, but a little work now saves a ton of work later. Pepperoni time!

Simmons: Wh-what was Locus's message?

Grif: I didn't read it! So we'll never know!

Xi flashes on Ash's shoulder and she looks annoyed. "I was i-i-in the mi-mi-middle of re-re-reci-ci-ci-civing the mesa-a-a-age when he cut it o-o-offff." She flashes away.

Simmons: So your new ‘science’ is pre-emptive laziness.

Grif: Yep!

Simmons: That is so stupid, Grif. [Sniffles.] I'm so proud of you!

"And I'm weirdly impressed." Ash says.

Caboose: I found a lake!!

Tucker: That's great, Caboose.

Caboose: The lake is glowing!!

"Oh, It might be radioactive!" Ash jumps for joy.

Grif: Guys, no detours! [Aside to Simmons and Ash.] See, this is what I'm talking about. You just gotta keep these cats wrangled!

Sarge: Glowing lake! I’ve gotta see this!

"Me too!" Ash runs after Sarge.

Grif: Fuck.

Overhead shot of the Reds and Blues on the grassy bank of a lake that is indeed glowing yellow at its center.

Tucker: What's down there? A car?

Grif: It's fucking swamp gas, guys, there's nothing to see here! Let's move along!

Simmons: It's rising.

A mysterious device rises from the lake. Dramatic music plays.

 Clinging to the device with one hand and rising after it is... Donut! He comes to a stop standing on the surface of the water.

Tucker: Aw, Donut!

"My shoulder hurts." Ash randomly says. "And I'm very hungry."

Donut: Oh, friends! Let me hold your gaze!

Donut walks across the water to the shore, making small ripples in the surface but not sinking.

Simmons: What... the hell... are you doing?

Donut: I am swelling with joy! I have missed you all... so, so much!

Tucker: Missed us? You've been gone for like two hours.

Donut: Oh, that's right. For you, barely any time has passed at all. But for me... infinity... eternity... like... way longer.

Sarge: Donut! How many times have I warned you about going AWOL and mysteriously showing up in foreign bodies of water!

"I think you told him about.... three or four times?" Ash says.

Simmons: And how exactly did you get here before us—and how did you know we were coming this way?

Donut: Ah, ‘tis a story longer than time.

Grif: Fuck that. Storytime can wait until after we stuff our faces.

Donut: No! We have no time to lose! We’re all in grave danger! We must escape… into the past!

Tucker: Uhhh… what?

Donut: You heard me right! Friends, our day has come! We have been chosen to defend the universe as time travel warriors!

Grif: Ah! I know what this is. He’s trying to prank us.

Donut: Am not!

Grif: Come on guys, he’s obviously fucking with us! It’s just retribution for the time we told him Extreme Home Makeovers was gonna fix up Red Base!

Donut: This is not related to that substantial betrayal of trust-!

Sarge: Oh, quit gaggin’ on us, Donut! You got my hopes up there for a second!

Tucker: Thank you, Red Team. This was real productive.

Tucker walks away, the rest of the Reds and Blues following.

Donut: Guys! You need to listen to me!

"Since when do we listen to you, Donut?" Ash asks as he follows after the others.

Grif: See that shit, Simmons? Diffuse the story bomb like a boss. No call to adventure, no adventure.

Simmons: So, just curious. In Jax's book, what happens after the call to adventure?

Grif: Uh, I don't know. I stopped reading after the important bit.

Simmons: What if refusing the adventure is part of the adventure?

Grif: Don't be dumb, Simmons! Roll credits. We’re done.

Cut to Grif standing in front of what remains of Sammie Raphaello's Pizza—a pile of rubble. As he stares, the partially-blackened sign falls from its post.

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Tucker: So... burgers?

"Anything at this point." Ash's stomach growls. "I haven't eaten in so long and getting stabbed made it worse."

The camera zooms out, revealing other damaged buildings nearly and piles of rubble throughout the parking lot.

Simmons: This looks like a battlefield. What the heck happened here?

Sarge: [Clears throat at nearby stranger.] Ahem.. ‘scuse me, Officer!

Cop: Uh—I'm a cop.

Sarge: That figures.

Cop: That's why I'm wearing space armor.

Sarge: Uh huh. Got it.

Cop: You might think it's weird that a cop in a small town would be wearing space armor. But... lots of things are weird. Some birds have thumbs did you know that?

Crickets.

Sarge: Ahh... nope.

Cop: I have to wear space armor because it's regulation. ...It's also cozy.

Sarge: You don't need to tell me. I get it. So what happened here, Officer?

Cop: No one knows, armored... stranger. Tornado... earthquake... ball lightning... some freak thing. They're calling it a... act of God.

Grif: [Sighing.] No... there is no God.

Cop: Anywho... gotta go. Got cop stuff. You get that, right red guy? Well, red's not really... police... outfit... Red and Blue... hey, put that together it's like—like a siren, right? You guys aren’t cops, are you? If you were cops I'd know you were cops. I know every cop in this quadrant. ...All right, bye.

The cop departs hastily.

"That was.... Awkward." Ash says.

Tucker: Agreed. How about Chinese? We never talked about Chinese. 

Brief siren sounds.

"I could go for some sweet and sour chicken." 

Grif: Simmons, if I asked you to shoot me, would you do it?

Donut: Guys, I'm telling you the truth! When are you gonna start listening to me? I traveled in time to be here with you!

Simmons: Donut, I hate to be a bubble-burster, but all those years ago after we thought we traveled in time? I actually looked into it. Every single scientific theory says the same thing. Time travel is just plain impossible. You must just be confused.

"But by my calculations it's possible." Ash says.

Simmons turns to Ash. "Shut up and let me have my moment." He turns back to Donut.

Donut raises the mysterious device.

Simmons: You know, like when we were--

Donut fires the device, opening a pink portal in midair showing an intact Sammie Raphaello's.

Donut: So, who's hungry?

The Reds and Blues run through the portal, emerging in an ordinary intact parking lot. Huggins follows.

Simmons: [Awestruck.] Did we really just--

"Oui." Ash interrupts. "We time traveled." Then he whispers. "What I could do with that power."

Donut: Only a few days. Eh, barely a skip.

Grif: That smell! I-I can't believe it. We’re back!

Donut: Caboose never told you the full story of what happened on that island.

Tucker: He just said you were... gone.

Donut: Gone indeed! When Loco's time machine struck me, I became unstuck in time, like a needle that skipped off a Lisa Loeb record. That skipping sucked me into the past. My body was ruined, destroyed. But my mind stayed alive. I was sucked deep, backwards, further and further into the past—hundreds of years, then thousands, then millions and billions, and beyond! And there I found Him! That's ‘Him’ with a capital H.

Sarge: Hitler!

Donut: No! [Laughs.] God!

Simmons: You're saying that God... the God... saved you and put you back together?

Donut: Yes! Because God needs our help!

Tucker: That's an ego boost.

Donut: It's God's will that we become His holy soldiers, to fight back against the Devil King who wants to destroy our universe!

Sarge: What's God look like? Tell me it's John Wayne...

Donut: God gave me these-- [Several more time guns materialize at Donut's feet.] --to give unto you, my brothers. And He told me that to save the future, we must fix the past.

Grif: [Sighs heavily.] Fuck all of this.

Donut: With these time travel portal guns, we can go anywhere, any time!

Simmons: Sidebar. How do we know for sure this is Donut? He's not talking like Donut.

Donut: These Donut Holes are tight! They can only fit two grown men at once!

Simmons: Withdrawn.

Donut: Come, friends. Let us journey together deeper into the past, the only place safe from--

A dark cloud appears in the sky behind Donut, growing rapidly. Donut: Oh no.

Sister: What's going on?

Tucker: There! Look!

The sky turns strange colors as the wind picks up. A couple of cars go flying in the air.

Simmons: T-tornado?!

Sarge: Red Team, at the ready!

Tucker: What are you gonna do, shoot the weather with bullets?

Out of the clouds comes a four-armed being in green and gray armor with an iridescent red and purple visor, wielding a different weapon in each hand and laughing sinisterly.

Kalirama: For once, the trickster spoke truth!

"That's a huge bitch!" Ash yells.

Kalirama lands on the ground, and her four arms merge into two. She bears a green and black Sangheili energy sword  in her left hand.

Kalirama: The humans were right on time.

Grif: Agh, fuck! Look, we don't want any trouble, scary alien lady!

Kalirama: I am Kalirama the Undying. Goddess of Death, War and Annihilation. Daughter of Time. Queen of the Cosmic Powers and Mother to the Fates. Bow before me, so that I may sever your heads from your necks!

As she speaks, the camera zooms in on her visor. The visor becomes a landscape of fire with pillars of black smoke rising up on either side, and a blackened sun rising on the orange horizon. The camera moves rapidly inward toward the sun, over which suddenly appears a wide open red eye.

Sarge: Lady, I think I speak for everyone when I say... marry me!

"I'm slightly aroused and scared!?" Ash says in confusion.

Donut: Back away, devil woman!

Kali raises her red plasma rifle and fires a bright bolt of green energy. Grif ducks. The bolt strikes the pizzeria, engulfing it in flames and blowing it to rubble.

Grif: [Collapsing to his knees and dropping his rifle.] Noooooohohohohohooo!

The rest of the Reds and Blues (except Doc) open fire. Kali approaches, undeterred by the bullets which seem to pass right through her.

Kalirama: [Sinister laughter.] The insects want a fight!

She raises her plasma rifle and fires again. Donut leaps into action, dropping to one knee and punching the ground. A pink shield surrounds the Reds and Blues, protecting them.

Kalirama: [Angrily.] Yagh! Dirty shisno! [Leaps into the air.]

Donut: Grab a gun! Get into the portal! Hurry! Remember—saving the future means fixing the past!

Caboose fires one of the portal guns and jumps through the pink portal.

Tucker: [To Sister] This way, babe.

Sister: Gross! Don't call me babe. [Follows Tucker.]

Ash grabs a gun and looks at it. "Fix... the... past." Ash tightens his grip on the gun then he aims the gun up and fires. A pink portal opens up and Ash jumps through it.

Kalirama lands hard on the pavement, still outside the pink dome shield. Huggins’ spark appears, flitting around a streetlight.

Doc: Grif, look out! [Grabs Grif and shoves him through the portal just before the streetlamp falls right where he was.]

Huggins: Gah! Crap! They're getting away! [Whooshes away, making it through the portal just before it closes.]

Kali strikes with her energy sword, destroying the shield. Sarge opens a portal of his own.

Sarge: Simmons, this way!

Simmons and Sarge dive into the portal, flying head over heels through what appears to be a blue tunnel. Cut to a desert scene, where a pink portal opens in the sky, dumping Sarge and Simmons onto the ground.

Sarge: [Snaps to his feet.] Simmons, we need to determine our whereabouts, stat.

Simmons: Not whereabouts, Sarge-- The camera zooms out to reveal three white pyramids with gold tops--the center one only partially completed, with what appears to be some kind of dense scaffolding around two sides.

Simmons: Whenabouts.

With Ash.

Ash falls through a portal and into a trench with barbed wire along the top. Bullets whizzing through the air and explosions are heard.

Ash groans as he picks himself up and out of the mud. 

"Where am I?" Ash asks.

Suddenly multiple rifles are pointed at him.

"Lass die Waffe fallen!" A soldier yells.

"Was ist das für eine Rüstung und Waffen?!" Another soldier yells.

Ash just sighs and sets his plasma repeater on his back and takes the katana off his back.

"Let's get to work." Ash says.

"Nimm ihn runter! Feuer!" A soldier yells.

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10-10-2022

3055 words

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