Chapter 280: A Pizza the Action

Scene opens on a lush valley filled with some kind of crops, crossed by stone aqueducts.

GRIF: Suck. My. Balls.

DOC: No, thank you.

GRIF: I refuse to let anyone else invent pizza but the ancient Italians, Doc. These assholes may be dumb as dirt, but their blood is rich in tomato sauce.

DOC: I actually think tomatoes are native to the Americas… which haven’t been discovered yet. Which could explain, you know. Us sucking at this?

GRIF: Bullshit. [To Roman peasants, who appear at the periphery of the frame.] You understand, right? Dough on the bottom, then the to-ma-to. Then the mozzarella. Then you bake it. But just the right amount! Too much and you get a cracker crust, which is a mortal fucking sin, you neanderthal! Got it?

The peasants stare for a moment, then turn and walk away.

GRIF: Hey! Get back here!

DOC: [Sighs.] I still don’t get why you don’t just invent pizza yourself. You’d make billions!

GRIF: Uh, the whole point of pizza is that someone else makes it?

DOC: I’ve made pizza.

GRIF: Of course you have. Vegan. And by the way, being vegan while being made entirely of meat? Kind of hypocritical.

DOC: Grif, I know this was technically my idea, but I’m starting to question if this is really the best use of a time machine!

GRIF: Doc, pizza is the food. It’s like, perfect in its simplicity. Three ingredients! A holy trinity that come together to form a greasy triangle of perfection. And from this thin slice of heaven, man has created an edible plate that anything can go on. A new testament. Infinite possibility!

DOC: Uh huh.

GRIF: A dessert pizza with a gingerbread base. A Russian nesting pie! Or pizza bites inside of a pizza pocket inside of a calzone on top of a pizza!

DOC: Grif.

GRIF: A pizza with the topping underneath! I’m just spitballing!

DOC: You want to talk about infinite possibilities? Grif, a time machine can save lives. We could cure the plague. Stop the great alien war from ever happening?

GRIF: You help yourself to all these fucks I give, Doc, because I’m delivering history a pizza.

DOC: Ahhhhhh, fine. But if we’re gonna teach these people a new dish, we need to cook it for them.

With Ash

Ash stares at the portal he opens back in Temple's underwater base.

"So, are we going to go-go-go-go through it?" Xi asks.

"I'm trying to build up the courage to." Ash states.

"Co-co-courage?"

"Yeah, Cal died on the planet Heian. Which was Covenant occupied."

"B-Buuuut aren't yo-yo-you a Sparta-a-a-a-n?" Xi asks.

"That was Minnesota. Not me." Ash looks at Xi. "I'm just a simulation trooper from a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. I don't even remember most of Minne's spartan and freelancer training."

"Bu-Bu-But you're Ash." Xi reminds him. "Y-Y-You'v-v-ve done ama-ama-amazing things before."

Ash sighs. "I guess you're right." Ash looks back at the Donut Hole. "Cal, I'm coming to save you." Ash walks through the portal and it closes.

Camera pans to the sky, then descends on a grassy field as Sister and Tucker emerge from a Donut Hole.

SISTER: Fucking endless dickshell!

TUCKER: Oh, come on! It was bound to happen!

SISTER: You crushed Catherine the Great with a horse.

TUCKER: How am I supposed to know that sex robe was lode-bearing?

SISTER: You crushed Christopher Reeve with a horse.

TUCKER: I learned a valuable lesson. Time travel spooks horses. And that dude’s not really Superman. Life’s an education, babe.

SISTER: I’m a simple girl with a simple itch. Time travel sex tour. And you’re screwing it up!

TUCKER: Sounds like someone has the sands of time in her vagina.

SISTER: Ugh!

Kaikaina steps away from Tucker, surveys their surroundings. The remains of the bases on the moon from Season 15 come into view.

SISTER: What even is this place?

TUCKER: It’s our old home. Iris. Present-day. I figured the others might be waiting here, and we could form up!

SISTER: So, you’re sick of me already?

TUCKER: Well--no! I just--I thought you were sick of me.

SISTER: Oh, Tucker, sweetheart. Is that really what you think?

TUCKER: Well, yeah.

SISTER: Good job! That’s the most perceptive you’ve been all day. Now dig me up some booze so I can forget how you fucked up my date with Paul Walker!

TUCKER: What can I say? I’ve gotten used to six petals. Two is harder now. 

Tucker walks off. Cut back to Doc and Grif in ancient Italy.

DOC: Okay! So we took a trip to the present, picked up a couple things! You’re gonna love it! I make this all the time!

GRIF: Uh huh.

Doc and Grif peer inside the stone oven. Inside is a delicious-looking pizza topped with red, green, and yellow peppers and black olives.

GRIF: Whoa.

DOC: Yeah! Pizza a la Doc. Gluten-free coconut flour dough. Seaweed-based tomato puree substitute. And--drumroll please--a lactose-free low-fat goat cheese.

Grif is now firing at Doc, who hides behind the oven crying.

GRIF: How did you ruin pizza?! [Lowers pistol.] Ah, fuck this. I’m taking a nap. We’ll try again when I wake up. If I wake up. Pizza deficiency.

DOC: It’s 2 in the afternoon.

GRIF: We’re not voting on this, Doc. I let you tag along with me--which is more than you deserve, if I’m being honest.

DOC: I’m s-sorry, Grif. For what it’s worth, I think it’s great to see you’re so motivated--

GRIF: [Lying down on the ground.] Save it. Something I love was taken from me, and I have to fix it. You wouldn’t understand.

DOC: Grif… [Sighs.] I had a little brother. His name was Deke. He died. Drowned, specifically. We were alone, by a river. I looked away for just a second, and… I pulled him out of the water, but I-I didn’t know CPR. All I could do was feel his pulse fade, and… stop. My whole medic career’s just trying to fix that one moment. So… yeah. I know what it’s like to--

Grif snores loudly.

DOC: Oh gosh darn it. How’d this happen? [Mocking voice.] Oh, let’s make a pizza. Oop, a million people died in a preventable disaster. Whatever, I’m Grif, more pepperoni! Agh! It’s all my fault! If I hadn’t betrayed them, I’d be off saving lives right now! [Sighs.] Sorry, Deke.

Cut to the moon, and a cluster of empty cans on the ground. Kaikaina and Tucker are sitting on crates on the grass.

SISTER: This stuff is... potent.

Sister tosses an empty can behind her, Tucker jolts slightly whenever he hiccups.

TUCKER: While we were gone, the base finally got a new[hiccups] shipment of power armor. And Lopez’s suit, needs antifreeze. Eugh...[Hiccups]

SISTER: I finally see the good inside him...

You are reading story The Weapons Guy at novel35.com

TUCKER: I’m psyched for the new suit. I’ve been wearing this one for years. It’s starting to feel a bit clamm--

SISTER: Shh-shh-shh-shut the fuck up. Haven’t forgotten you've ruined history sex.

TUCKER: Oh.

SISTER: I could’ve rode Abraham Lincoln’s beard, dude! I could’ve been a Roman orgy’s molten core. Had Lancelot slay me like a dragon! You understand?

TUCKER: I get it.

SISTER: I wanna roll sex dice on a Jumanji board. I wanna get my dick sucked! I wanna be murdered!

TUCKER: You’re all about the weird sex, I know! Loud and clear.

SISTER: And never, ever with you, because you’re stupid, and your face is stupid, and I hate you.

TUCKER: I hate you--so much! Every time you speak, it’s like a little annoying jackhammer busting into my helmet.

SISTER: I hate you more than people who hold up their phones at shows.

TUCKER: I hate you so much that if I was in a room with you and Hitler, and I only had one bullet, I would shoot Hitler but actually feel bad about it!

SISTER: I hate that you don’t remember that we did that last week.

TUCKER: Oh, fuck, I hate that I forgot I killed Hitler! And I mean--I hate you for always correcting me!

SISTER: I hate you sooo much that I want to rip that suit off your stupid body and hatesex you to death.

TUCKER: I hate--wait. Was that a death threat or a proposition?

SISTER: Yes.

TUCKER: I hate that I love this. I’m in.

SISTER: This is gonna be fucking epic! We’ll need a safeword. How about--

She’s interrupted by the sound of air horns in the distance.

SISTER: What’s that noise?

TUCKER: Oh, real funny. Now you’re doin’ a me.

SISTER: No, I’m serious, listen.

Air horns continue. A mysterious swirl of neon light appears in the sky, expanding into a bright white circle.

SISTER: I think the antifreeze is kickin’ in.

TUCKER: Oh yeah. Let’s do this.

SISTER: Yeah, antifreeze sex.

TUCKER: Whooo, yeah!

SISTER: Fuck my shit up!

Dramatic music, punctuated by air horns, continues. An oval-shaped hole opens in the sky, revealing the black of space behind it, with brightly-colored nebulas in red, green, and blue.

MUGGINS': Behold, mortals! From the great center of the galaxy, your Lord God and Divine Creator has come to speak! He is first among the Cosmic Powers, the Binder of Titans! [His voice begins to echo.] The totality of the universe!

TUCKER: Ohoho, I may need the chill-out tent. I see a talking lens flare!

SISTER: Hey, JJ Abrams! Shouldn’t you be in a reboot?

MUGGINS: King Atlus Arcadium Rex has come before you! [Strikes a pose with his hands on his hips, in front of what appear to be red, green, and blue laser lights.] The Reaper of Souls! Crusher of worlds!

SISTER: Hey, my uncle’s prog rock band called! They want their album cover back.

ATLUS: Silence! I, King of the Cosmic Powers, have honored you pathetic mortals with this audience out of pity. I possess the power to shake planets, to snuff out civilizations like candles. I am almighty! But I am not without mercy... Give up your blasphemous time travel. I will spare you from destruction.

TUCKER: I’m pretty destroyed already, dude.

SISTER: Boosh!

ATLUS: Mortal currs! I will not ask again! Bow before me and forfeit your time machine, or I will blast you to elementary particles!

TUCKER: Just do it!

SISTER: Smite us!

ATLUS: You dare taunt Atlus...?

SISTER: We totally dare.

TUCKER: Oh shit--hey, I just realized something. Is it weird that we’re having the same hallucination at the same time?

SISTER: Oh. Oh, fuck...

A bolt from the heavens strikes the ground, appearing to swallow up Kaikaina and Tucker in a fiery mushroom cloud.

Cut back to Doc and Grif in the ancient Italian countryside. Doc stands on a grassy field, looking at the sunset.

GRIF: Okay, buddy. Let’s go.

DOC: Great. Pizza time.

GRIF: Doc… pizza’s important.

DOC: Here we go.

GRIF: Pizza itself is a Venn diagram of how much pizza I want to eat and how much pizza exists. But you… want to save lives. So pizza can wait. [Sighs.] A bit.

DOC: You mean it...?!

GRIF: A little bit. Okay? But we are definitely getting back to pizza.

He holds the time gun out to Doc.

HUGGINS: Oh no. No! Don’t do it!

GRIF: Huh? Uh, Doc? Isn’t that the--

Doc grabs the time gun and hits Grif over the head with it, knocking him to the ground.

GRIF: Ow! Dick.

DOC: Ha ha ha… Oh Grif… ha ha ha... [Laughs, his laughter turning sinister and becoming… the voice of O’Malley!]

O’MALLEY: Ah, you fool!

GRIF: O’Malley?!

O’MALLEY: Yes, 'tis I! Enjoy the sixth century! Ah ha ha ha ha! Gotcha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

O'Malley opens a Donut Hole, and disappears, leaving Grif and Huggins behind.

GRIF: [Shaking his fists at the sky.] Piiiiizzaaaaaaa!!!!!! [Collapses on the ground.]

HUGGINS: Well, that’s a bummer.

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10-12-2022

1836 words

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