Chapter 281: It Just Winked At Me

The episode opens where we last left Tucker and Kaikaina, the fiery mushroom cloud fading from the air.

TUCKER: Oho, fuck, I'm alive!

SISTER: Ho-holy fuck, I'm glad this visor's tinted.

ATLUS: Aaaarrrgggghhh!

Atlus roars and strikes the ground with blue lightning, while Tucker and Kaikaina remain unaffected.

TUCKER: My arm hair's all staticky. Is that what you meant to do?

SISTER: Can you smite me just here, on my back? I’ve got this wicked knot.

Atlus roars again and blasts the ground with fire. Tucker and Kaikaina are still unaffected.

SISTER: Oh yeah, right there.

ATLUS: So, my sister spoke truth. You Shisno are truly under the protection of Him. Even my infinite power cannot pass through his cursed firewall.

TUCKER: Cool story, bro. We’re gonna go ahead and get out of here now if that's all right with you.

ATLUS: Oh, I am far from finished. [Raises his right hand from which a puff of blue smoke appears, shoots straight outward and smashes into a cliff behind Tucker and Kaikaina. The smoke clears to reveal a blue portal, from which emerges a mysterious monster.] It is true I cannot harm you directly; however, my friend here, he—uh, sorry. What was your name again?

CYCLOPS: BROOOOOOOOOG!

ATLUS: Brog here can do whatever he pleases! As a cyclops, nothing will please him but ripping you apart and feasting on your entrails!

CYCLOPS: BROOOOOOOOOG!

ATLUS: Brog indeed.

SISTER: Aaaaaaagh! Run!

She and Tucker turn tail and run, the Clyclops tromping after them across the field.

TUCKER: Aaagh, let's get the hell out of here!

SISTER: Are you sure, Tucker? You could show me how great a fighter you really are.

TUCKER: [Stops running.] Yeah. Yeah, I guess I could!

SISTER: What? Why have you stopped running? Tucker, I was just giving you shit, let's get the hell out of here!

TUCKER: You know, I could use the workout. I’ve been falling behind on my training lately.

The Cyclops approaches close behind Tucker.

ATLUS: Yeah, do it! You wuss!

SISTER: Tucker, shove that giant ego back in your suit and let's fuck the hell off! It's a cyclops!

TUCKER: Oh, come on! How is one eye scarier than two?

SISTER: Fine! If you want to kill yourself, at least give me the time--

The CYCLOPS roars and swats the time portal gun out of Tucker's hand, sending it flying far into the distance. SISTER: Welp! Good luck, have fun! [Runs away.]

TUCKER: [Draws his sword dramatically.] Luck? I’ve got depth perception.

The CYCLOPS swats Tucker's sword away. It lands somewhere on the cliffs behind him.

TUCKER: Dick.

ATLUS: Ahahahaha!

TUCKER: Oh, that's it! You're going... down?

The Cyclops rears to its full height, its loincloth fluttering in the breeze, and Tucker looks up.

TUCKER: Balls. Oh! Ball! Singular! ...I guess that makes sense!

Cut to the ancient Italian countryside.

HUGGINS: Okay, Huggins. You're marooned in the actual past. You need to stop this imminent orange mortal and his shisno friends from destroying time itself. No biggies! No biggies! [Nervous laughter.] Idea one: grease the wheel of time! Fly around at the speed of light! Let relativity do its thing! Bingo bango, back to the future! Meanwhile, the Shisno free an ancient time god and we all die screaming. One for the maybe pile. ‘Kay, idea two: [Huggins glows red.] murder. [Watching Grif from a distance.] I bet he murders up real nice. [Turns white again.] No! I can't do a murder! It's against my personal code! And the law. Stupid physics. I'm gonna have to reason with the monkey. And in doing so, break divine decree and get tortured in the underworld for eternity. Ah. Win some, lose some!

Huggins flies up to Grif.

HUGGINS: Hi, Grif! I'm Huggins.

GRIF: Gonna be okay, Grif. You've been eating a lot of wild mushrooms lately. This was bound to happen sooner or later.

HUGGINS: I'm not a hallucination! I know you don't know me and this probably sounds crazy but you and me are going to need to work together to escape the past, or we’re both dead!

GRIF: Uh, sure. And who are you exactly? Tinkerbell.

HUGGINS: [Sarcastically.] Oh, yeah. Good one. I'm Huggins. The gods sent me to spy on you.

GRIF: Right, the gods. Of course. If you'll excuse me, I think we’re done here. [Walks away.]

HUGGINS: Well. That could’ve gone better.

Cut back to Tucker, firing on the Cyclops with his rifle.

CYCLOPS: [Unaffected by the gunfire.] Heh heh heh heh heh.

TUCKER: Changed my mind! Let's grab my sword and get the fuck outta here!

Tucker runs away, with the cyclops in pursuit. Sister runs to the time gun and picks it up.

SISTER: I got the time portal gun! [Turns around to see Tucker still being chased.] Shit. Find cover!

TUCKER: Aaaaaaahhhh-hoo-hoo! [Runs inside the base.] Weapons! Come on, come on! [Spots a brand-new suit of teal armor lying against one wall.] Idea...

Tucker lets out a shriek as the Cyclops pulls a suit of teal armor out of the base with one hand, and bites its head off.

ATLUS: [Making the sign of the horns with both hands.] Huzzah! A fine kill! Ahahahaha!

Brog The Cyclops squints at the headless armor, turns it over to pour out a handful of grenades, growls with alarm. The grenades detonate, throwing the Cyclops off balance. Tucker comes flying off the ramp running up to the top of the base in a Warthog.

TUCKER: Surprise, unibrow!

The Warthog strikes the Cyclops in the eye, and he roars in distress.

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ATLUS: No!

TUCKER: [Lands hard on the ground, the Cyclops falling beside him.] Ow, my back.

Sister, above on the cliff, grabs the sword off the ground.

TUCKER: Whooo! Up yours, Thunder-Mifflin! [Turns around to face the cliff.] Sister! Did you see that? Sister!

Their voices echo as they yell to each other across the field.

SISTER: What?

TUCKER: Were you looking?

SISTER: No!

TUCKER: God damn it!

The Cyclops begins to stir, and rise from the ground.

SISTER: Shit. Hey!

TUCKER: What?

SISTER: You know that cliche in horror movies where the main character thinks they've killed the monster and lets their guard down for a second, but actually it's slowly getting up behind them without them knowing?

TUCKER: Yeah?

SISTER: Run!

TUCKER: [Running.] Aaagh! I hit you in the face with a fucking car, you bitch! [Takes shelter in a narrow cavern beneath the cliffs.] Hah!

The CYCLOPS peers in with its one eye, attempts to punch its way in.

TUCKER: Ah ha ha, you can't get me! Your dumb fat hand doesn't fit! You can't just force the whole hand in, bro! You gotta start with one finger!

The CYCLOPS pokes a single finger into the cave.

TUCKER: THE FUCK! It speaks English!

KAIKAINA: Hey! One-eye!

The CYCLOPS looks up, Sister is standing on the edge of the cliff.

SISTER: Hope you like... uh, swords in your face!

TUCKER: Sister, no! SISTER: [Leaping from the cliff, holding Tucker's sword.] Alalalalalalalalalalalala—fuck! [Knocks the deactivated hilt against her hand.]

TUCKER: It only turns on for me, bow chicka bow wow!

SISTER: What? [Falls straight into the Cyclops's eye and bounces off, landing in the grass.] My tailbone!

TUCKER: I'm comin’, baby! [Runs out of the cavern yelling.] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhh!

Tucker leaps and grabs hold of the Cyclops's chin, and is quickly thrown off, knocking down Kaikaina, who has just gotten to her feet. SISTER: Aahh!

The CYCLOPS gets to his feet, growling.

TUCKER: This is ridiculous! This thing has to have a weakness!

SISTER: It's a cyclops!

TUCKER: Duh!

SISTER: No! Tucker! It has one weakness!

TUCKER: What is it?

SISTER: What does it have one of?

TUCKER: Oh! Oh, of course! [Takes off toward the Cyclops, narrowly avoiding a ground-punch.] Come on, come on! Shoryuken, motherfucker!

Tucker leaps straight up in the air and punches the Cyclops straight in the ball. The Cyclops roars and falls to the ground in defeat.

TUCKER: Holy shit! That was terrifying! I almost overshot and went right up his butt.

SISTER: Oh, fuck! I need to see that. Go back in time and try again.

ATLUS: Bah...! Beginner's luck.

TUCKER: Screw that! I just slayed your monster.

ATLUS: A good first round. And next... [Opens another blue portal, from which emerges a second cyclops, identical except for a long blonde braid, a sand dollar necklace, and a shell bikini.] His wife. [The CYCLOPS WIFE screeches.]

ATLUS: They've been trying for a child, you know. Shall I tell her you destroyed her husband's only testicle, or would you like to?

SISTER: Nope.

TUCKER: Nope.

SISTER: Nope.

Tucker and Kaikaina turn and run, picking up their weapons. Kaikaina opens a Donut Hole, and she and Tucker run through.

Cut to a familiar castle on a green lawn.

MAROON KNIGHT: Loseth not thy faith, mine fasty cousin. The Lord God doth gaze upon all of us from His high seat on the throne of Heaven. He hath a purpose for each one of us! I assure you, we art all part of His holy plan.

The portal opens atop the parapet, and Kaikaina and Tucker tumble out.

SISTER: Hi?

ORANGE KNIGHT: [Aiming his crossbow at her.] Be thee demons? Hellspawn?

MAROON KNIGHT: It matters not. Have at thee!

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10-13-2022

1485 words

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