Chapter 298: Finally

"Donut, we're sorry!" Sister yells.

"Yeah, we're sorry." Ash says. "It's not like I'm only saying it so that Wash lets me have Xi back!"

"Please do accept my apology or I'll punch your face in half!" Sarge yells, then he whispers. "Five in the pink!"

"Sarge!" Carolina warns.

"I have trouble expressing remorse."

"Why is he just... standing there?" Sister asks.

"I guess he ran out of distance to run away." Simmons assumes.

"I can still hear you!" Donut yells with out turning to them.

"Did you hear the 'sorry's'?" Grif asks.

Donut turns around and walks towards the group.

"Uh-oh." Sarge says.

"Shut up, here he comes." Sister says to Sarge.

Donut stops walking a little ways from the group. "You can't fix the things you've done with the things you say. I'm upset because I have to see you all differently now. You're dicks! Big old dicks!"

"I mean-" Tucker starts but Sarge cuts him off with an agitated grunt.

"I'm insane!" Ash yells. "Not a dick!"

"How about we show we're sorry by fixing the timeline?" Carolina suggests.

"That'd work for me." Donut says.

"Then why don't you bring us up to speed?" Carolina asks.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay. Let me paint you a picture. The year is 2019." Donut starts and everyone groans in disgust. 

"That year sucks!" Past Caboose says.

"That's the time." Tucker states.

"Oh, my heads-up display needs updating." Donut says. "Hang on one second."

Tucker looks at Wash. "Is this really a good idea?"

Wash shushes Tucker.

Donut continues. "Okay boys and girls, with the exception of Caboose who's already off time-traveling, who has questions?" Tucker, Doc, Sister, Sarge, Grif, Ash, and Simmons hands go up. "Whooo, that's a lot of hands. Yes, you, O'Malley, the traitor, abandoned by his god."

"Doc is fine. If Caboose is time-traveling, why is he still here?" Doc asks.

"Hello." Past Caboose greets.

"His consciousness is inhabiting a Caboose from a different timeline while he relieves events to fix the past." Donut explains. 

"Oh Riiiiggggghhht, what?" Doc is confused. 

"If I'm not really here, where is THAT VOICE COMING FROM?!" Caboose yells the last part of his sentence. 

"How does reliving old events fix the timeline?" Simmons asks.

"Uh, okay, put a pin in that I'm gonna show by doing." Donut says. "We're gonna hop back in time 10 minutes or so ready?"

"Wait, stop!" Wash shouts.

"What, not dramatic enough?"

"You'll lose Carolina and I if you do that." Wash explains. "We can only jump between points on our original timelines not the alternate ones, like the one we're in now. If you jump back, Carolina and I won't be here. Uh, there."

"Uhhh... What?" Simmons is confused.

"Makes sense." Ash is not confused.

"I-I think- I think that's okay." Donut says.

"How do you think that's okay?" Grif asks. "I couldn't even understand it!" Ash goes to speak. "Shut it, Ash!" Ash just turns away from Grif.

"Wash, you take Carolina and fill her in somewhere on your own timelines." Donut says. "I'll take care of the others. We're all gonna have to split up anyway if we're gonna fix time. Genkins had a pretty big head start."

"Good point." Wash says.

Tucker looks at Wash. "You're seriously leaving us with Donut?"

"Hey, what was all that about showing me you're sorry?" Donut asks.

"Called the fuck out!" Sister shouts.

"Sorry." Tucker apologizes.

"Let's all check back in from time to time in order to gauge our progress." Wash suggests. "I think almost all of us were on Iris, so let's try there."

"Day the dinosaurs attacked?" Donut asks.

"Hmm, day after." Wash then turns to Sister. "Sister, I can fill you in one-on-one, the day we met at Blood Gulch."

"Ah, a simpler time." Sister claims. "A timer when I might have made a joke about that suggestive proposal. I'm in!"

"Perfect!" Donut says with excitement. "Oh and before you go, would you mind looping Lopez on all of this? He's lying around somewhere as a bodyless head. This was a very difficult period in his life."

"No problemo." Wash says and he and Carolina walk away. Wash stops next to Ash. "Here." Wash hands Ash Xi's A.I. chip.

"Oh, thank you!" Ash says like a child as he picks up the chip and inserts it into the back of his helmet as the two other Freelancers walk away.

"Is anyone else not following this at all?" Grif asks.

"I mean it's not that hard too." Ash says.

"Shut up." Grif says. "You're an insane genius."

"Hush." Donut orders the two. "We're going back in ten minutes. Everybody mentally prepare yourselves for time travel."

"How does one do that-" Sister starts, but everyone travels back by ten minutes. "AH!"

"What's happening?!" Sarge yells.

"THAT WAS AWESOME!" Ash yells. "LET'S DO IT AGAIN!"

Xi flashes onto Ash's shoulder. "Ash, inside voices please."

"Sorry, Xi." Ash says as she flashes away.

Donut is stuck under a Pelican. "We time traveled back to the way this moment originally played out, isn't that exciting? Ow!"

Doc and past Church walk up to the group.

"Donut!" Doc yells. "That doesn't look comfortable."

"Wait, we lost Tucker." Simmons states.

Cut to Blue Base where Tucker is heard screaming

Tucker: Ohh, my dickhole!

Back with everyone else. 

"Oh, Yeah, he's just in Blue Base recovering from childbirth." Simmons says.

"OOOOWWWWW MY ASS!!!" Tucker is hear yelling.

"What are you all talking about?!" Past Church questions.

"Oh gosh, this is not going well." Donut's muffled voice comes from under the Pelican.

Ash turns to Grif and Simmons. "It's weird seeing Church again."

"Yeah, it is." Grif says.

"How do you think Xi's handling this?" Simmons asks.

"From what I feel..." Ash starts. "She's kinda sad."

Caboose walks up to the group. "Hello. Everyone. It is I, Caboose."

"Who said that? Ow." Donut asks.

Caboose turns to past Church. "Um. Church, buddy, This is gonna make a lot more sense if you just go back to bed.

"Ohhh." Past Church looks to everyone then turns around. "Yeah that, okay, that makes sense." Church walks away.

"Night Church!" Caboose says and he turns to the group. "I'm gonna go get Lopez. Thank you for bringing everyone back to the Singularity, Donut."

"You mean Everwhen?" Simmons questions.

An Eagle screeches above the group.

"Huggins calls it a Singularity, I don't know. Be right back!" Caboose walks away.

"Well, that's more cool by a lot." Simmons says.

"Yeah, Singularity does sound cooler." Ash says.

"Wait, did he say Huggins?" Grif asks.

Huggins flies to the group.

Huggins is humming. "'Yello?"

"Huggins, Buddy!" Grif yells.

"Oh hey Grif, you asshole!"

"I missed you!"

"You broke the timeline!" Huggins yells.

"Bring it in!" Grif says.

"I'll kill you!" She turns red.

Ash turns to Simmons. "You know, I guess I could take breaking a timeline off my bucket list."

"Yeah... Wait what?" Simmons questions.

Caboose appears next to Doc, with Lopez's head on the ground.

"We're back, just like I promised." Caboose says.

"Oh, uh, right." Donut says from under the Pelican. "Let's get you started. I'm just gonna direct you from under here. Is that okay, guys?"

Tucker joins the group.

"L.O.L." {Laughs in Spanish.} Lopez laughs in Spanish.

"Okay, to time travel, we focus on a particular moment." Donut explains. "When everyone is ready to go-"

"Jeez, but it's hard to take him seriously under a Pelican." Tucker says.

Donut continues. "-at the same time, we'll all travel-"

"I agree, now shush." Sarge says.

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Donut continues. "-at the same place. Our goal is to stop Genkins from altering the timeline. Unfortunately without knowing where he's targeting, this means we need to relive our lives event by event. Just as they already happened."

"This is going to be painful." Ash mumbles.

"Entendido." [Understood.} Lopez leaves to time travel.

"Nug-uh you dummies!" Huggins says. "You don't need to entirely relieve your lives!"

Tucker laughs. "Dumbass, bye Lopez!"

"I'm made of light, I can scout ahead in time, watch for alternate timelines then report to Caboose in the future. So he can time travel back here to now, and tell you when it is you need to go to stop Genkins."

"That sounds incredibly convoluted and like it'd take forever!" Sarge says.

"It already happened!" Caboose states. "Hi. I also took out the garbage."

"Does anyone else have a nosebleed?" Sarge asks.

"Yeah." Ash sniffs.

"Yeah, we already done it!" Huggins says. "Higher beings represent, baby!"

"Still not sure I subscribe to this 'higher beings' malarkey." Sarge says.

Everyone moans in disgust.

"Oh, I'm fading, I'm fading, please believe in me." Huggins flashes away then comes back. "Oh, false alarm. I just went to the fucking moon!"

"You just saved us so much bullshit." Grif and he sniffs. "Thank you. I'm sorry we fucked up time."

"And probably a lot of pain." Ash says.

Huggins sighs and floats over to Grif. "I can't stay mad at you forever."

"Aw, thanks bud." Grif says.

"No, I literally can't stay mad at you forever. Time is broken from Wash's injury onwards."

"Oh."

"You had ONE JOB."

"Uh, ya' mean save reality?"

Huggins turns red. "FIX IT!"

Huggins returns to normal. "No pressure, love you!" She zooms away.

"Oof." Sister says.

"And again, why do we have to relive events?" Simmons asks. "How does that fix anything?"

Caboose answers his question. "Simmons, to answer your question you ever get like uh- A gap in your zipper?"

"Sixth-grade debate class. Devastating."

"And then you have to, sort of, like, pull the zip back down past a gap and then RE-ZIP IT BACK UP AGAIN."

"Yeah." Grif says.

"Sure." Sarge nods along.

"Yeah, that's what we're doing, we're re-zipping time." Caboose explains. 

"Ohhhhhh!" Everyone understands now, except Ash, who already knew what was going on, since you know... he's not an idiot.

"Wow, that's so much clearer." Donut says from under the Pelican.

"Are we sure we're back in our right timeline?" Tucker asks. "Because Donut and Caboose are the ones calling the shots!"

"Tucker! Thank you so much for acknowledging my service." Caboose thanks. "U have been working on that."

"And this is why I've got a sword, and the Gods gave you a golf club."

Caboose whispers. "Ah man, I miss golf club."

"How do we know this'll work?" Tucker asks Donut.

"You wanna know this will work?" Donut questions. "Well it all depends on you guys. So listen up and brace yourselves, cuz this, will not be fun."

Cut to Simmons and Sarge in the Command facility back from Season 6

Past-Simmons: Here, I got it. This is every bit of information about the Blues and their soldiers.

Past-Sarge: Can you erase it?

Past-Simmons: I can, but Sarge, maybe we should think about this for a moment. What happens if we delete the Blues?

Past-Sarge: It means they never existed!

Past-Simmons: But, did you ever stop to think?

Sarge possesses his former self

Past-Simmons: What does it mean to be Red if there’s no Blue?

Sarge begins to speak while Simmons keeps talking in the background

Sarge: My god. This... is the best day of my life!

Sarge deletes the Blues from the system

Past-Simmons: -coin.

The computer begins to glitch out

Sarge: You broke it.

Genkins appears on the computer

Genkins: Sorry lads, your computer privileges have been revoked, so now if you’d kin-

Past-Simmons reboots the computer, then enters into Command Prompt mode to override Genkins' control

Sarge: Fine tech support, soldier.

At the same time in the facility. 

A soldier enters a room full of computers.

"Perfect." It's Genkins controlling the soldier and he aims his gun at all the computers.

Suddenly he's hit in the back of the head and the soldier falls to the ground to reveal Ash behind him.

Xi appears on Ash's shoulder. "Get knocked the fuck out!"

"Woh." Ash says as he looks at Xi.

"Sorry, Genkins kinda makes me mad."

Cut to the day that Tex leaves Blood Gulch in the Pelican from Season 5

Past-Church: Tex! Don’t do this!

The Pelican begins to take off

Past-Church: We gotta-We’ve gotta stop her! Right now!

Grif possesses his former self

Grif: Okay, where’s the Genkins? Who got the Genkins?

Past-Sarge: No problemo, Blue. Andy, you there?

Andy, who is being possessed by Genkins, responds

Andy[Genkins]: I’m here, Coach!

Past-Church: What’s going on?

Andy[Genkins]: Tex is hooking up Wyoming’s helmet to the computer!

Past-Sarge: Ready for your job, soldier?

Grif: Andy, of course.

Andy[Genkins]: You bet!

Past-Sarge: Alright then, son. Do what you were born to do. Detonate.

Andy[Genkins]: Uhh, on second thought, could we reschedule my death? Why rush to a climax, you know?

Sister: Pr-reach!

"But I wanna see big boom!" Past Ash yells.

Past-Sarge: AWOL little a-hole! That was a direct order!

Andy[Genkins]: Nah, they got an XBOX up here, I-I think we’re gonna chill!

Grif appears behind Past-Church with a Rocket Launcher

Grif: My testicles send their regards, Tex. You metal bitch.

Genkins begins possessing Tex

Tex[Genkins]: Yeah, Tex here. What he said. Also, Church, you know, you’re the ghost of a weird dude who created the robot equivalent of a body (chuckles) pillow.

Grif fires the Rocket Launcher at the Pelican

Past-Church: NOOO!

The Rocket hits the Pelican, making it explode.

Grif: Yeah! Give me a percussive vasectomy! ...Huh?

Past-Church: You! Girlfriend-killing! Fuck-

"I'm kinda sad now." Past Ash says.

Cut back to Sarge inside the Command facility

arge: (moans ecstatically) Mother of god...! Better do it again, just to be sure.

Sarge repeatedly presses the button to delete the Blues over and over and over again.

Sarge: Heh, heh. Ooooh, satisfied sigh. Well, that’s that. Time for... time for... the rest of my life I guess. Heh, not fun. What’s not fun about time travel?

The past version of Simmons and Grif look at each other in confusion

Tucker possesses his former self at the first showdown with the Feds at Crash Site Bravo in Season 11

Tucker: Why did it have to be this?

Past-Locus: Surrender now... and I promise to only kill the mercenary.

Tucker glances at Felix aiming at Locus before the screen fades to black and the episode ends

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10-20-2022

2279 words

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