Chương 69: One hell of a mess

“The Triads’ hideout is hidden behind two ‘safety’ layers, as they like to call it, in the south-east district of Tanumm, in Omond’s Chinatown.

On a perpendicular, -and much less busy- street than the main one, where one can find hundreds of Asian restaurants and a popular marketplace, lies the gloomy façade of a butcher shop, which hides an unlicensed seller of hunting gear behind its backdoor.

Behind the backdoor of this unlicensed shop, however, is their HQ. As for the reason why it’s hidden that way, I quote, ‘so when the police have suspicions and inspect the butcher, they do find something illegal, so they get their results and won’t expect that something even more illegal is hidden behind it, forehead.’

Okay so, first of all, I’m not a forehead, and secondly, this argument is completely stupid. If the police come to inspect the butcher, they will find the illegal shop and the hideout. The fact they are doing something illegal in there, since the hunting gear shop is pretty famous in the vicinity, increases the risks of it getting discovered; but the person I quote argues that ‘if we hid something legal then that would raise suspicions as to why we needed to hide it in the first place!’…

Oh, and I’m being way too nice calling it an HQ, it looks more like a youth hostel than a super underground organized crime shelter.

At least the façade is well-decorated. The building looks like some fancy (and extremely cliché) Asian castle, with flamboyant red tiles and jade dragons hanging from the roof. I honestly wouldn’t expect to see actual Chinese people inside this place more than I would at that cartoon mouse park.

The inside, on the other hand, looks like your typical middle-class hotel, and the constant activity one can find inside is akin to a teenage summer camp.

The reason why the inside is so bland compared to the outside is that they ‘ran out of budget midway into the construction, and it was too late to go back, but at least the façade is extremely impressive and if anyone wanders by coincidentally, and ends up in front of it, they will shiver in fear and run away before its magnificence!’

… Okay, but what are the chances that someone ends up in front of it by wandering around?? And what are the chances that they don’t call the police when they find something so suspicious?! Not that I would, personally, but whatever, I think their logic is slightly flawed and needs revisal, but whenever I mention it, they argue that ‘if it didn’t work, they would have already been spotted.’

Fallacious! Arguments! Everywhere!

Did these guys never learn basic rhetoric?! They are going to get killed by their cognitive biases!!!

Whatever, half of these guys are alcoholic or drug addicts anyway, there are plenty of other ways they might die. I bet they’re trying to fill up the Darwin Awards. Especially this stupid Lianjie Shi. He spends literally all his free time at that bar where he hangs up with girls and gropes their hmmmss…”

“Okay, okay, Boss… But what about that girl?”

“Is she at the bar too? Getting her hms groped?”

“God, I wish I could grope some hms right now…”

“God, I wish someone could grope my hms right now!”

“Actually, I…”

“Not you, you owe me 100 bucks.”

“Ouch…”

These morons keep interrupting me! “No, you don’t get it at all, this is important setup!!” I cry.

“Yes, yes, we get it, they’re all very dumb.”

“Can’t you skip some parts?”

“NO, I CANNOT! You youngsters have no patience and no respect for storytelling! Can’t you tell that I’m slowly getting to the good parts? This subtle increase of intensity, the shivers you would get when I finally get close to it, the goosebumps when we all reach the climax together…!”

“Boss, you’re making me horny.”

“I know! That’s what storytelling is about, like sex, it’s an adventure, it’s an epic tale that transcends people!”

“Fine, I’m going to wank it, see you in a bit.”

“C-can I see?”

“Ew, no, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“If you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t have said it aloud.”

“Okay, sexual harasser, I’m reporting you to the police.”

“P-please don’t…”

“SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP ALL OF YOUUUUUUU!!!” I wail.

Speaking to an audience of fifteen people is much harder than I expected.

“Master of…” The most important voice in the assembly rises. “… No, I can’t say it. Dude, can you keep going, please? Everybody shut up.”

“It’s Master of Romance… But thanks, Major.” I breathe.

“I guess I’ll call you Boss too. This name is too ridiculous.”

“Please don’t, Major. You’re the boss here to me and everyone else, and I wouldn’t dare to steal your place.”

“This conversation is going nowhere. Go back from where you left.” The major sighs.

“I … Don’t remember where I left…” I start sweating.

“The groping part!”

“The boobs! The big boobs!”

“The sexual harasser!”

“The booby licker, lick lick lick.”

“Oh my god…” I start tearing up. This audience may be a little hard to handle, but they’re actually following quite well…! Some of them did slightly twist the facts a bit, but it is almost exactly where I left! “Alright, so there is this stupid guy named Lianjie Shi, who keeps going to the bar where he gropes women…”

“How do you know that?”

“What, again?!” I slap the table I’m seated on with my hand.

“How do you know he’s groping women every time he goes to the bar? Did you see him?”

“Y-yes, why?”

“That means you’re going to the bar too.”

“Well done, Josh.” The guy next to him shakes his hand.

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“I’m going for work, of course!” I stutter, trying to save myself.

“For work, of course! Get a load of him, guys!”

“Didn’t you get some drinks too?”

“F-for work!”

“How about groping women, uh?”

“F-for work… NO, I DIDN’T!”

“Checkmate.”

“FORGET WHAT I SAID!”

“Nope, it’s written on your Headnovel wall now. ‘I love to grope women’s hms in bars with my best friend Ching Chong.’” A girl laughs while showing my profile on her mobile phone.

“PLEASE DON’T, I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO CHANGE IT BACK!! Also, holy shit, that’s so racist, are we back in the 1500s or what?!” I press a hand against my eyebrows, exasperated.

“Bonnie, delete the post, and all of you, let him finish before I feed your dinner to my birds.” The major pronounces deeply, as the singing and screeching shrieks of birds of prey resonate in the high ceiling and dimly lit parking lot.

The hubbub in the assembly finally vanishes and I can continue my report. “So I was in the bar when—”

“So he really went to the bar…” I hear whispered in the audience.

“When I received a phone call from this gorgeous goddess… With a chest as sumptuous as it is voluptuous, a waist that is meaty enough, while keeping slim nonetheless, legs that could crush my skull in between them, and hair, like her skin, white as clouds and eyes blue like a sky in spring!”

“And he really went to grope women… Sick…”

“How did he know what she looked like if he received a phone call, this mythomaniac?”

“He’s saying all this to make us mad!”

I hear whispers again, but the voice of the major rises anew. “Milo, I heard you. Say goodbye to your dinner.”

“No, please Major, I beg you!!” Milo cries, bringing his hands together to pray for forgiveness, but the major’s judgement is impartial.

“If I hear you again, it’s not just your dinner, but your whole body that will feed the birds.”

The shrieking rises again, and Milo, crying silently, covers his mouth with his two hands, giving a strange aura to the next part of my story.

“Uhm … well, for those who are wondering, I did meet her before, that’s how we shared our phone numbers.”

“Lucky bastard.” May or may not have been pronounced, but I’m convinced I heard it even if it was by my subconscious!

“As for the conditions under which we first met, that’s a story for another time!” I meet the major’s sole eye that seems to be trying to see through me, but I go on. “She called me to get in contact with two members of the triads, TIAN SHUI and TIAN HUO, who are under Jinqian Shi’s jurisdiction. Basically, they’re super strong at beating people up, but that’s not the topic… In the process, she gave me her address, which I then gave to you. Can you confirm that you received it, Major?”

“Of course, I can.” The major smiles. “We paid them a visit after all. Too bad it was empty.”

I roll my eyes. “Of course, it was. They’re actually pretty well organized as far as I can tell.” I’m actually not sure about that, but it’s still way better than the Triads.

“I taught her well.” The major says, still smiling.

I nod as to not disappoint him. “And now, she’s staying at the Triads, she actually got her own room with her friend and the boy—”

The major’s expression changes drastically. “Her son?” He asks.

Taken by surprise by his sudden question, I scratch the back of my head. “They say they’re not mother and son, but they do look a bit similar.”

The major makes an unreadable face. “What about the friend?”

“A girl she met here. I don’t know anything else about her. She works for the agency but everything from her name to her background are forgeries, there is absolutely nothing about her, anywhere.”

“Is that even possible, nowadays?” The major asks, dumbfounded.

“I admit that this is a first for me too. Usually, we can find at least a receipt from something she bought, and forgeries of birth certificates and passports are bound to be found out at some point, so even people who deleted their backgrounds keep the originals safe in case they need it, but I have no clue where to look. The only thing I found is that she may be related to another agency member, who is a pretty big shot, but it’s just a hunch based on their physical appearance.”

The major nods. “Continue on this track, if you don’t have anything else. Alright boys, it’s time to eat. Except you, Milo, you do 150 pushups where I can see them. And Josh and Bonnie, you made a ruckus too, so you’re going to count and you’ll only be allowed to eat once Milo will be done. I count on you two to motivate him.”

“Milo, you fucker! I’m soooo hungry!”

“Start doing them now!”

“Hahaha, you guys will be damned! I’ll take my sweet time!”

As the hubbub grows again in the parking lot, I jump from the table I was sitting on and start walking towards the exit, but the major is in my way.

“This was the last time I could meet with you; I can’t afford to leave the Triads anymore or my cover will be ruined.” I pronounce softly enough that only the two of us can hear.

The major puts his metallic hand on my shoulder and smiles. “Thanks for coming… Master of… Boss.”

“I did what I could, but I can’t afford to stray from my main mission any longer.” I sigh.

“Are you never going to tell me what the Crown ordered you to do? I can help you; I owe you this.”

“You can’t help me, Major. It’s not something that can be solved with violence.”

The major removes his hand from my shoulder and lets me go, but the exit suddenly gets blocked by a giant.

The monster named DARIUS enters, carrying on his back, another of their members, his face almost entirely burned, but still beaming happily.

The scarred man suddenly jumps from the giant’s back and exclaims with a joyful, high-pitched voice: “The yakuza accepted the alliance!”

The mercenaries acclaim the news with a toast and laughter, and under the major’s scrutinizing gaze, I leave this noisy place.

I got into one hell of a mess…

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