Chapter 40: CH 34

Zhong Wan didn’t have Lin Si’s abilities to travel across rooftops or walk along walls. He could only have someone ready the carriage. It was already very late. Leaving the estate now would be breaking curfew. They would definitely get stopped and searched, but Zhong Wan didn’t have the energy to care about this. He grabbed Xuan Yu’s authorization, put on a cloak, and got in the carriage.

On the way to the side courtyard or Prince Yu’s estate, Zhong Wan leaned against the carriage window. His heart felt like it was getting stabbed repeatedly. 

Zhong Wan still remembered the half a year he had stayed in Yu She’s estate back then. Every few days, there would be rewards bestowed from the palace. There were larger ones, like a precious horse presented as an offering from the western regions, and smaller ones, like the accessories Yu She used daily. Emperor Chongan was always thinking of him.

The emperor treated him so well that even the servants in the side courtyard couldn’t help gossiping, secretly making guesses about Yu She’s identity.

When Young Zhong Wan heard them, he only pretended he hadn’t heard anything. Unexpectedly, he looked up and saw Yu She who had walked out to look for him.

The two of them were separated by a screen. They smiled at each other in exasperation while listening to these basic servants quietly gossiping. 

Young Yu She was extremely gentle; he rarely punished the servants. Young Zhong Wan felt awkward. After the servants left, he purposefully acted unbothered and asked, “You must often hear people talk about that, right?”

Yu She softly nodded.

Young Zhong Wan’s attempt at comforting sounded forced. “The emperor only has one younger sister, and that’s Princess Royal. He also only has you as his nephew. Obviously, he would be kind to you. Besides, you’re going to be a Prince with great influence in the future. The emperor will need to rely on you…”

“There’s no need to console me,” Yu She calmly interrupted Zhong Wan. “They’re all baseless rumors. I understand.” 

Young Zhong Wan asked in a daze, “How did you come to understand?”

Yu She burst into laughter. “My father and mother adore me so much, how could I not be their biological child? I’m able to tell the difference between true love and faked affection. If I suspected my identity, would I still be worthy of being their son?”

Zhong Wan remembered very clearly: the Yu She back then had been unwaiveringly confident in his own identity.

Regardless of others’ guesses, regardless of how strange Emperor Chongan’s adoration for him was, Yu She never suspected his own parents. 

So why was it that shortly after his departure, Yu She suddenly decided to investigate his own background?

According to Yu She’s morals back then, forget investigating—even being suspicious in the slightest would be considered extremely unfilial. So what had actually happened?

Who had lured him into checking?

Besides, at the time, Yu She had been 16 at most. How capable could he have been? 

Xuan Jing and Xuan Qiong had been fearful of Yu She for many years. After so much inquiry, it had still taken several years following their departure from the palace and establishment of their own estates, whereafter they could start fostering their own manpower, to get a few results. And this had only happened recently. Back then, how capable could a young Yu She have been to smoothly find the answers he wanted to find?

Who was helping him?

Or rather, who was ruining him?

A Young Yu She had been lured in by someone with ill intentions. Step by step, from Yu She’s biological mother, to Princess Royal Anguo, to Prince Yu, and perhaps even to Emperor Chongan. This person was secretly guiding Yu She, pushing him to slowly acknowledge that those family members he valued so greatly had never actually treated him sincerely. 

Such a kind Yu She had been gradually ruined into this state…

Later on, had Yu She’s repeated attempts at seeking death been because of this overwhelming knowledge? Or had they been because he wanted to satisfy these people’s desires?

Zhong Wan suddenly thought of how he had asked Yu She like a heartless idiot after first entering the capital: What hasn’t been going smoothly in your life?!

What hadn’t been going smoothly… 

Zhong Wan lifted a hand and slapped himself across the face.

Had anything gone smoothly?

What had Yu She thought when he had heard this question?

He hadn’t been depressed, nor had he been outraged. He had only chuckled, unbothered. 

He had probably long since gotten used to hearing similar things in these past few years.

Zhong Wan knocked his head into the window of the carriage. He clenched his teeth and thought back on what he had been doing while Yu She had been suffering.

He had been slowly but surely travelling day and night to Nanjiang, terrified that those kids would suffer even the slightest.

Yu She hadn’t even crossed his mind. 

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If he were to tell Yu She now that he already knew about the events of the past, he would probably completely enrage Yu She.

Putting himself in the other’s shoes, Zhong Wan hoped that Yu She would stay as far away from him as possible. It would be best if the other never found out about his background at all. 

Yu She’s pride was etched into his bones. He didn’t want others’ pity, no matter if it was out of kindness.

If he were to make things clear now, disregarding how he should explain to the other how he had found out, Zhong Wan wasn’t even sure if Yu She would stab him with a sword out of resentment or not.

Zhong Wan didn’t fear death, but now wasn’t the time.

Zhong Wan shivered because of the cold wind. 

He completely calmed down.

He should pretend that he didn’t know anything, that nothing had happened. Before Yu She noticed, he should return to his estate. If they met again in the future, he also needed to keep the secret hidden. First, he needed to come up with a plan to stay in the capital. Everything else could be taken care of slowly.

Currently, Yu She was definitely sensitive and suspicious. Everything needed to be gradually approached.

Their relationship now was on thin ice. With the slightest mishap, it would be difficult to even see the other in the future. 

One mishap and the entire board of chess would be lost. Zhong Wan couldn’t make this gamble.

Zhong Wan’s coachman noticed that he hadn’t moved in a long time. In confusion, he asked, “Young Master Zhong, should I go knock on the door for you? Or…”

“Let’s…” Zhong Wan found his own tongue again with difficulty. “Let’s return to our estate.”

The coachman was speechless. It was the middle of the night. They had finally managed, with great difficulty, to reach their destination. Now they were to return? 

Zhong Wan nodded. “B-back to the estate.”

The coachman could only nod. As soon as he lifted his whip, he felt the weight in the carriage suddenly get heavier, then immediately become lighter. Zhong Wan had already jumped out.

In a daze, Zhong Wan muttered, “Fuck taking things slowly.”

He couldn’t wait anymore. 

In the main bedroom of the side estate, Yu She had yet to sleep.

Yu She was in the middle of playing chess with himself.

Steward Feng stood guard off to the side, head lowered and dozing off.

A few days ago, Yu She had suddenly seemed to lose interest in Zhong Wan. He had ordered the removal of all his spies in Prince Qian An’s estate, then had told Steward Feng to give Zhong Wan his self-selling contract. He had acted like he wanted to make a clean cut; neither of them would owe each other anything after. 

Though the self-selling contract had been sent over, it had also been returned. But this didn’t really interest Yu She either. He only said that he knew, then never brought up Zhong Wan again.

When things become out of the ordinary, there must be something wrong. Yu She was behaving himself so much it was frightening. This made Steward Feng even more worried.

When he had been ordered by Yu She to give Zhong Wan the self-selling contract, Steward Feng had even been concerned about whether or not Yu She was planning on comitting suicide. Was he making arrangements for after his death?

Consequently, these days, Steward Feng had transferred double the amount of staff to the estate. They watched over Yu She day and night. 

But Yu She hadn’t done anything too out of line. In the past few days, he had eaten his meals on time, slept on time, and even stopped wandering around the estate without a lantern when he couldn’t fall asleep. Most of the time, he did what he was doing now—playing chess with himself.

Only one little thing was strange. The tiny bag of tea leaves Steward Feng had brought back for Yu She had disappeared.

Steward Feng clearly remembered that Yu She had placed the bag into his inner breast pocket. But the next day, when he was helping Yu She change, he didn’t see it. Steward Feng assumed that Yu She had accidentally dropped it onto the floor when changing, so took extra care to look around for it. However, he hadn’t found it there either.

Steward Feng thought to himself, Yu She couldn’t have thrown it into the brazier, right? 

That would be a great pity.

That small quantity of tea leaves had been slowly picked out by Zhong Wan personally. He had washed his hands, pulled up a light, and dug around in the tea leaf box.

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Though few, they were all the freshest and best leaf tips.

Steward Feng got sleepier the more his mind ran free. He rubbed his eyes and scooted forward to gently suggest to Yu She, “It’s san geng already. Shouldn’t Heir rest?” 

Yu She pinched a white chess piece. After a moment of hesitation, he set it down and nodded. “I’ll sleep.”

Yu She separated out his black and white chess pieces from each other. Steward Feng stepped forward to help him remove his clothes. Suddenly, someone announced from outside that a guest had arrived.

“Nonsense,” Steward Feng was immensely confused. “It’s the middle of the night, who would come? Did Princess Royal send someone over to say something? Or did someone come from the palace?”

The servant outside the warmroom responded, “Young Master Zhong from Prince Qian An’s estate is here.” 

Yu She’s hand trembled. A white chess piece fell onto the ground.

Zhong Wan sat in the main hall. He thought to himself, I must be crazy.

Since he was scared of triggering Yu She, he temporarily couldn’t explain things clearly. Then what should he say upon seeing Yu She later?

Zhong Wan felt growing apprehension. He silently prayed to himself that Yu She was already asleep. This way, he could sit here all night. Tomorrow… He would think about tomorrow when tomorrow came. 

Zhong Wan gently rubbed his cold and dry hands together. His mind drifted off, hoping that Yu She was asleep and that Steward Feng would be the one receiving him in a bit.

Footsteps sounded from behind the screen. Zhong Wan lifted his head…

Yu She walked out.

Yu She obviously was already preparing for bed. His complicated outer garment had been removed. Inside, he only had on a common, moon-white shirt. A large, black robe was draped over this. 

Yu She slightly furrowed his brows. “Something happened at your estate?”

Zhong Wan froze. He shook his head. “No! Nothing.”

Yu She looked at Zhong Wan, disbelieving. As if he thought the other found it difficult to speak directly, he turned around and ordered his servants, “Leave, all of you.”

The servants filed out. Only Steward Feng remained. 

Yu She sat down and impatiently asked, “Then what’s worth you coming to my place in the middle of the night?”

Zhong Wan lifted his gaze to look at Yu She. He couldn’t help falling into a daze.

If all these chaotic incidents hadn’t occurred, the Yu She now would still be as he had been in youth, right?

As warm as jade. As warm as home. 

Zhong Wan didn’t think that there was anything wrong with the current Yu She. The Yu Ziyou as polished as jade was fine. The rebellious and disagreeable Yu She of today was fine as well.

Only, every time he thought of how the Young Yu She had been slowly tortured into this state, Zhong Wan’s heart couldn’t help but hurt.

Yu She was terribly upset. “What is actually the matter?! Are you going to tell me or not?”

Zhong Wan took a deep breath. He forced down the extreme hatred in his heart and said, “I- I had a nightmare.” 

Yu She: “…”

Yu She reflexively rubbed his ears. He glanced at Steward Feng and asked, bewildered, “What, what did you just say?”

Zhong Wan coughed and repeated, “I had a nightmare and woke up in fright.”

Steward Feng finally realized that he was out of place. With an almost uncontrollable smile, he carefully said, “This old servant will leave first.” 

Steward Feng quickly disappeared. Only two people remained in the room.

Yu She was frozen in place. As if facing a great enemy, he thought: Had Zhong Wan been acting cute with him just now?

Had he accidentally eaten cold food powder?

Had he gone crazy too? 

Yu She’s throat felt dry. “You…”

Zhong Wan’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. He said, “When I had nightmares in the past, didn’t y-you comfort me?”

For a long time, Yu She was silent.

Yu She pointed at his fierce-looking self and expressionlessly spoke, “First of all, we won’t speak of whether or not I would comfort you. If I comforted you now… would you be able to fall asleep?” 

Naturally not.

Zhong Wan furrowed his brows and inhaled sharply. He also knew that this was a horrible excuse, but what else could he say now?

He forced himself to get out, “Two days ago, I spent a bit too much time in the wind. I might be a bit muddleheaded. I… can I stay here with you?”

Yu She looked Zhong Wan up and down in disbelief. “Did you catch a cold or develop some type of psychosis? If you’re ill, you need to see the imperial doctor. What use is there in seeking me out?” 

Zhong Wan had no answer. He kept his head lowered and remained silent.

Only half of Zhong Wan’s face was in the light. This made him look incredibly gaunt.

Yu She stared at him for a while. As if unable to bear it anymore, he stood up and said, “I don’t have time to waste on you. If you have nothing to say, leave immediately.”

Zhong Wan lifted his gaze. In a low voice, he said, “Ziyou.” 

Yu She stopped in his tracks.

A pause later, Yu She quickly stood up. He took a few steps until he was in front of Zhong Wan, then pressed both hands onto the arms of Zhong Wan’s chair. He clenched his teeth together and forced out, pauses after each word, “What. Do. You. Actually. Want. To. Do?”

Zhong Wan’s heart shook with fear because of Yu She. He calmed himself down and did his best to ignore the enormous pressure emanating from the other. Honestly, he answered, “I didn’t have a nightmare. I just wanted to see you.”

Yu She scoffed. “You think I’ll believe that?” 

Zhong Wan wanted to tug Yu She’s hand, but was scared that being so frivolous would result in Yu She’s disgust. “I’m telling the truth.”

Yu She looked down at Zhong Wan. A moment later, he said, “Zhong Wan, it’s the middle of the night. We’re alone in this room, just you and me. You know what’s going to happen, right?”

Zhong Wan’s ears turned a faint red. He cleared his throat. “I believe so… yes.”

Yu She scoffed. “I understand.” 

Zhong Wan’s heart dropped. What did Yu She understand?

Yu She gazed coldly at Zhong Wan. “Speak. What happened in your estate? To be worth you selling yourself to me, is it Xuan Rui? Something happened to him along the way?”

Zhong Wan clenched his teeth. This wasn’t Yu She’s fault.

It was he who had no more credit and could no longer be trusted. 

Yu She sneered. “Or is it Xuan Yu? You want me to ensure his safety in the capital?”

Yu She noticed that Zhong Wan wasn’t answering. He said, “Or is it Xuan Congxin? What? Here to beg me to help her find a good family to marry into?”

Zhong Wan took a deep breath. He was determined.

Yu She lost his patience. “Zhong Wan, hasn’t anyone ever taught you to make your requests clear before the deed? Whatever you want, word by word, phrase by phrase. Make them clearly right now.” 

Zhong Wan lifted his gaze to look at Yu She. His voice was very soft. “I do… have one thing to request of you.”

Yu She lowered his head. A few strands of hair fell in front of his forehead, blocking his expression from being seen. Yu She laughed at himself. “As expected.”

Yu She coldly said, “Only one?”

Zhong Wan nodded. 

Yu She suddenly raised his head. “Speak!”

Zhong Wan swallowed. Very quietly, he said, “You… be gentle.”

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