Chapter 1: Meeting and Growing

    They met on the playground. It wasn’t a formal meeting. Amanda’s friends were playing with Lance’s friends, and weren’t even really introduced to each other until later. The game wasn’t important, but their first real meeting was. After a few days of playing the same game with the same friends, there was a bit of an altercation. Some of Amanda’s friends started to bully Lance. He was never able to stand up for himself, least of all as a kid surrounded by girls he barely knew teasing him. 

Lance had started to cry, only to the bemusement of Amanda’s friends. The tears had brought attention to the rest of the group, and with that came Amanda and Lance’s friends. His friends did not take well to the crying, at least from Lance’s perspective. They were loving every second of it. A boy crying? Boys don’t cry. Whenever they did it was entertainment for the rest of the boys who found another fickle thing to entertain their childhood minds for a little while.

Amanda had enough of this. She didn’t know why what she was seeing made her upset, but she didn’t want to be ganged up, and that’s when she knew she should step in. From the perspective of adults, and even older kids, it was nothing more than a couple kids teasing a boy for crying, but for these kids, their few years on Earth is all they know. Everything they experience is the most important thing to them as they navigate their early lives. So a couple kids teasing a boy for crying means the end of the world for Lance, and an opportunity to be a superhero for Amanda. 

Swooping in, or more like stomping is as kids do, Amanda just walks into the group, grabs Lance’s hand, and leaves. She doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t say anything, and neither of them hear anything as their respective group of friends both try to grapple with what just happened with half hearted teases and questions. Amanda had left them totally confused. To them, it didn’t make sense. Why isn’t a boy crying funny? To Amanda though, she saw herself, crying when her parents tried to push things on her that she didn’t want. Being teased for not wanting to wear dresses, or being as feminine as her peers. It didn’t make sense. She can still be a girl and be how she is. There is nothing wrong with a tomboy. Especially given how gross other boys were. She should be able to be masculine, because at least she can do it right.

Lance, on the other hand, had always been like this. Assertive as a kitten. Even though assertiveness isn’t expected of every kid, Lance felt lacking in his ability to stand up to people. He never understood why. It made him uncomfortable to confront somebody, to disagree with somebody. He felt too big and overpowering, a clearly irrational fear considering how small he tried and succeeded in making himself. It wouldn’t hurt to stand up to some primary school bullies just trying to get a quick laugh, but even then he’d feel like he’d be in the wrong. He was larger than most of his classmates, but you wouldn’t be able to tell by watching him interact with his peers. He was always hunched over, wearing hoodies from a young age. Unlike Amanda, he could wear clothing he found comfortable without his parents or anyone else hounding him about it. There was nothing wrong with hoodies and jeans, and everyone seemed to agree. Amanda wished people would have the same attitude about her.

It’s what they bonded over first. After Lance stopped crying, of course. Once he calmed down, they started talking. First about why Amanda had bothered to step in in the first place. It’s where she mentioned how she felt when her parents were always pestering her about her femininity, or lack thereof. Lance could relate. As had come with his lack of assertiveness, he wasn’t very masculine at all. His dad was always telling him how to stand up for himself in a fight, and to not be afraid to hit back, but he was never brave enough to do any of those things. He didn’t even want to hit anyone in the first place. It felt wrong. No need for needless violence. Lance hoped he didn’t have to tell his Dad about what had happened today, because he would get a stern talking to if he did. It didn’t make sense. He was a kid. Why did he have to learn about fighting and standing up for himself? Why couldn’t he just have nice friends and go on nice play dates and talk about nice things? All of that was far more appealing to him than anything his Dad was talking about.

That bond was enough for them to hang out more. The incident didn’t make Amanda and Lance’s friends stop hanging out with them. That was a decision made almost unconsciously by the both of them. Instead of hanging out with them at recess, they hung out with each other. It was a lot calmer, the both of them thought. Sometimes they missed playing games in big groups, but just being alone, the two of them, was plenty. Sometimes Lance would draw. Sometimes Amanda would go on a rant about some feminine thing her parents would try to force her into. Sometimes Lance would chime in and say it didn’t sound all that bad, until she reminded him it was the same as when Lance’s Dad tried to force him to do something masculine. He understood then. 

The two hung out all the time. Sometimes talking, sometimes not. Lance didn’t feel like talking all the time anyway. He didn’t like to be too loud. It made him feel big, which was the worst feeling in the world. That was okay for Amanda. He didn’t need to talk for there to be a conversation, as she could sustain herself in a conversation without a partner. She just needed someone to listen, and Lance was more than happy to be that someone. It made him feel close to someone, a friendship that was way more real than the group of friends he had before. Then, all he did was play games during recess. He never really went to other people's houses, or invited people over to his, despite his Mom’s best efforts to get him to reach out. Friendship with Amanda was different though. He got to actually talk about the things he cared about, and when he didn’t feel like talking, he didn’t have to. There was no admission fee of posturing or violent games that always got him roughed up. He liked that he could sit and doodle and Amanda would rant about whatever was bothering her this week. It was a good dynamic for a couple of kids who took everything too seriously, just like all kids do.

The first time Amanda came over to Lance’s house was the start of something that would never end for these two. Both of Lance’s parents had started to tease him that Amanda was his girlfriend. He immediately felt bad. He didn’t want to encroach on anyone, certainly not who had recently become his best friend. Sure, maybe having a girlfriend would be nice, but he was so young, and he couldn't imagine dating anyone. There was just something wrong about it.

‘Must be my age,’ he thought, trying to find why the concept of having another person close to you was weird. He’s too young for that.

Amanda, on the other hand, was practically gagging, (okay, only faking like it), but the thought was still disgusting. Her, dating a boy. Gross. Boys are gross. Who would want a boyfriend? Her old friends were talking about how boys were cute. We are far too young for that. She saw absolutely no appeal in any sort of dating. Boys were disgusting. Dating was disgusting. That was that. It made just the right amount of sense for a kid to believe it perfectly without any further interrogation.

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Despite the two kids' obvious discomfort with the idea, Lance’s parents never let up. Telling him to keep his door open. Joking about them being childhood lovers. The whole thing made Lance want to hide in his hoodie and never return. Amanda was characteristically furious with the idea, but tried her best to keep her mouth shut so as to not anger her new friends’ parents. Teasing continued on future visits to Lance’s house, and unsurprisingly, made its way to Amanda’s parents as well.

They were both so happy that Amanda had finally found a boy who could maybe be a boyfriend in the future. Finally something ‘normal’ for their daughter. A daughter who was constantly butting heads over the femininity that was forced onto her. That hope was soon crushed as Amanda made it very clear they were not dating. The comment didn’t hurt Lance, but it made him feel weird. It’s not like he wanted to date her, that was already made very clear, but he wanted her to still care about him. Nothing she had done had suggested that she didn’t, but Lance had these anxieties that if he didn’t live up to what people wanted him to be, they wouldn’t love him anymore. He was scared that it was happening with his father. Like Amanda, he hadn’t done anything to show that he was drifting away from Lance, but that didn’t make him any less anxious. It would make sense. He wouldn’t want to be with himself either. Not like he has a choice on that one though.

Eventually the teasing about the two of them spread to their classmates. As they progressed through the grades, and kids started to understand what dating was and that it was okay for them to do it, any close male/female friendship was immediately a target for people to say ‘Oh, what a cute couple they’d make,’ behind their backs. Amanda and Lance weren’t the only ones at the school to get that, but they got it all the same, and they didn’t like it one bit. Lance would always back off and let Amanda take the lead when people started to tease them. Even as they got older, she was still the more assertive one. Lance, by comparison, was still the scared kitten in a hoodie that couldn't stand up for himself. 

Those same attitudes from when they were children had still manifested in high school. Amanda still thought boys were gross, even if she didn’t understand why. Any of her girl friends talking about boys made no sense to her. Why would she want to be with a boy? They were gross and disgusting, but Amanda felt more shame about her feelings as she grew older. She thought all other girls felt the same, that boys were gross. They sure said as much when talking about cooties, but I guess that all changed when they grew older. Amanda wasn’t sure why. It all felt very isolating.

Lance felt very isolated too. His worst fears had come true in regards to his father. He kept pushing this masculine frame onto him that just wouldn't fit, until one day it all boiled over. They got into a fight where Lance cried, and his dad nearly hit him for it. Realizing what had happened, his Dad backed off from the situation, and everything to do with Lance. He had become so distant, knowing that his son would never live up to what he wanted. Lance knew this, and the fact that he would always be a disappointment in his fathers eyes bore down on him. It caused him to retreat inward more. There weren’t enough hoodies on the planet to hide him away forever. That shame and loneliness permeated everything he did, even if he didn’t understand why it was so potent. Something was wrong, it just was, but what? Was it the disappointment he had become? It sure couldn’t be the masculinity, as he didn’t really have much of that at all. He had won that fight with his Dad, despite the cost. Nothing made sense. Everything was wrong, but there wasn’t a single thing he could point to that was specifically wrong. It was just a feeling. Sometimes he could ignore it. Most of the time it was in the background, but sometimes it brought itself to the forefront and he couldn't help but shut himself in more.

Even as they grew older, the loneliness and shame that they had bonded over had stayed with them, and it was why they were still together. Through all the teasing of dating and the pressure to finally get it on, they stuck together. No one really understood them, except each other. There was nobody, not other friends, not teachers, and certainly not their parents who actually got why they were like this. The loneliness and shame was what brought them together, and it was the glue that refused to dissolve. 

They were still great friends through everything else. Lance got better at art, Amanda still as talkative as ever, even joined the debate club, but their routines stayed the same. Still hanging out by themselves at lunch, in between classes, during spares. Going over to each other’s houses, dodging their parents' attempts to set them up. Sometimes they would watch movies. It had become a new part of their routine. Lance liked them because he could draw his favourite scenes from them. Amanda liked them because she liked to talk about what happened and analyze the shots and characters. It was a good duo. 

 

They were good together, just not like that.

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