Chapter 2: Movie Night

Something was wrong, more than usual. Amanda and Lance had just finished watching a movie, what it was wasn’t important, some dumb romcom neither could really remember immediately after watching it. What was important was that something was wrong. There was something clearly bothering both Amanda and Lance, but for different reasons. After the movie, Amanda was so deeply uncomfortable. She had picked the movie because she wanted to understand what romance was like. She was getting even more lonely than usual lately. Her friends from Science had started to pair up and find dates, leaving her alone. She still had Lance, of course, but something about the fact that it seemed like every other girl around her could just express attraction to other people totally fine, but she couldn't. Boys just, weren’t something she could understand. It seemed like Lance was the only exception, but he didn’t seem like the other boys. Never mind the fights he had with his Dad, but he was just so reserved that it didn’t even seem like he had a personality sometimes. It came out, but it wasn’t always there. He was too busy hiding and trying to diminish his since and how much space he took up that being a real person seemed secondary.

It felt mean for Amanda to think all that about her best friend, but it wasn’t like he would object. Lance was spending the last forever trying to do exactly that. Diminish his size and space. The movie had also made him feel weird too. He knew he was attracted to girls, he didn’t have the same reservations about attraction that Amanda had, but he watched the movie, and it made him feel so bad. How could he be a man like that? It made him sick. Some dude to sweep some lady off her feet. He couldn’t imagine himself in those shoes. In fact, as much as it was scary to admit, he related more to the girl in the movie than the guy. Lance would never ever confess to that, but it lined up more with his reserved personality. Maybe some big strong lady would come in and do the same as the guy did in the movie, but he’d have to give a reason for anyone to be attracted to him, and he could barely talk to anyone but Amanda most days. Talking was hard. He didn’t like hearing his own voice, always scared he’d be too loud.

Clearly, something was wrong. The movie had upset them both. Amanda wasn’t talking about some scene that was good or bad. Lance wasn’t talking about a shot that he wanted to draw. They both just sat in silence for a while. It would be peaceful if it wasn’t for the inner battles the both of them were fighting. Eventually, one of them spoke up.

“Hey,” Lance said, “Quiet, much?” He said with a fake laugh, trying to pick up the mood. He didn’t really believe himself enough for the joke to work, but the silence was getting unbearable. Amanda could tell too. Lance did this when he was nervous or sad.

“Yeah… I don’t know…” Amanda said quietly. It was uncharacteristic for her. Usually after Lance said some dumb joke she’d either join in or jokingly go off on him, “I just feel weird, and alone,” It was similarly uncharacteristically honest for her. Not like she was a liar, but she was usually never this up front with her feelings. She usually hid them behind an angry vent session. It wasn’t like her to display her sadness so upfront like this. It was clear to the both of them something was wrong, but neither knew how to breach the subject, or what subject to even breach.

“Yeah, me neither. Maybe… Do you want to talk about it?” It was a weird question for Lance to ask. Usually, Amanda would already be talking about it, so the fact that she was staying silent was important.

“Not really? And, at the same time, it’s the only thing I want to talk about?” She said, not really believing the words coming out of her mouth either. It was hard to think about, “It’s like, I just feel so lonely. Why can’t I just be like the girl in the movie?” She was almost in tears already. She never cried, but it was hitting her so hard tonight. Desperately she wished she could just be normal. Why couldn’t she be normal?

Lance empathized. He had those same thoughts. He wanted to be like the girl in the movie too, but he didn't understand why that was what he wanted, or why Amanda felt like that. She was already a girl, why did she want to be like her? So he asked.

“Why? Why do you want to be like her? Aren’t you already like her?” 

“No!” She was almost wailing now, “I’m not like her, she has it so easy! It seems like every other girl has it so fucking easy, and I’m the weird one. I’m the odd one out. It’s not fair!” She heeled over, sniffling and sobbing. Lance had no idea this was bothering her so much, he had never really seen her like this before. Mad and angry, yes. Crying, no. This was new.

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“What’s not fair?” Lance inquired.

“It’s just so easy for them! They get to be attracted to people and have relationships and I don’t! I don’t understand, why am I so weird?”

“I don’t think you’re weird, Amanda. I mean, maybe a bit, but you’re weird in a good way. It’s why you’re my friend. I wouldn’t want you to be not weird, because then you wouldn’t be you,” Lance comforted. He wanted to tell her that she was just amazing as she was. He didn’t understand why she was upset. She was already so cool as she was. It didn’t matter if she was a bit weird or off-kilter. He liked that about her. He just didn’t know how to express that in a way that would be appropriate. Always, he was struggling with trying to express emotions in a way that felt, okay. Normal.

“Thank you, ya dork, but that’s not what I’m talking about,” Amanda sniffled as she smiled. The compliment from Lance had clearly made her feel a little bit better, more so than compliments from other people. She didn’t understand why it was so nice coming from him, “I just want to be attracted to people, ya know? Wouldn’t it be nice to hold someone’s hand and not feel gross and disgusted? I want that, so badly, but I can’t have it! Every time I look at guys I just feel so uninterested. Who would want to be with a guy, like bleh,” She made a fake gagging noise. It cheered the both of them up a bit. Nice little jokes were always just that, nice. 

After the joke had subsided though, there was a sinking pit in Lance’s stomach. He really hoped that Amanda didn’t see him like that. He had tried so desperately hard all his life not to be seen as burly and gross and disgusting and all these things he knew were inescapable, but he had to try; he couldn't resign himself to a life of being a monster.

“Do you, uh, think I’m gross and disgusting?” Lance asked, meekly trying to hide himself in his hoodie as much as he could, desperately hoping for a no.

“No, I…” Amanda reflexively answered, but it didn’t make sense. Not to her. Lance had loved the immediate answer, and relaxed, but that only served to confuse Amanda more. Wasn’t she disgusted by boys? I mean, yeah, Lance had never been much of a boy, but why should that change anything? Probably because he was her best friend. Just that. Nothing more, “I don’t. Probably because you’re so different from all the other boys. One of the good ones,” She chuckled at her own joke.

Lance did more than chuckle. He was beaming. He was so happy he could, even if it was just for a moment, be separated from the rest of those guys. He had no idea why he had such an urge to distance himself from anything to do with other guys, but any moment he could take where he didn’t have to be one, was a happy moment in his books.

“I don’t know why,” Lance admitted, “but that makes me feel better.”

“I’m glad it does, Lance,” Amanda smiled back. He winced a bit at the use of his name, but it was never much of a bother, only a little one. He wondered if Amanda noticed.

She did, but she didn’t want to make a comment about it. It didn’t make sense, like a lot of his behavior. She assumed it all was related, but the underlying reasoning she didn’t really know. One of these days she would commit herself to figuring it out, but there was just too much on her plate right now to think about it.

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