Chapter 5: The Moment

They both knew this was the moment. It was apparent from the street that something had to give tonight. Suspense was all they felt when they entered the house, scaled the stairs, and here, in Amanda’s room, the feelings only got stronger. How could either of them start to say what they had been thinking for the past day? Who would go first? They both knew the other had something pressing on their mind, but neither knew what. Lance, occupied with feelings of identity and his maybe kinda sorta crush on her. Amanda, occupied with feelings of attraction and her maybe kinda sorta crush on him. It was painful. 

 

The tension was so thick it would dull a finely crafted blade. It’s hard to be vulnerable, especially when you’re waiting on the other person to be vulnerable as well. Both Amanda and Lance had been vulnerable to each other in the past, but this was different. The magnitude of their feelings were very strong, and the inner turmoil both were feeling was paralyzing. The two moved to the bed, still in silence, sitting across from each other, deep in their own thoughts.

 

For Lance, he had finally thought of who he wanted to be, and the answer scared him. It terrified him. It wasn’t allowed. He couldn't. It just wasn’t that easy. People wouldn’t accept him. He’d just be playing pretend. How could anyone take him seriously if he couldn’t himself? He didn’t even want to think of the words. It would make it real. Make his ignorance forever a thing of the past. It was scary. To know what you need to do and be so utterly terrified of the only option ahead of you that drifting away and becoming a stranger to even yourself feels like the better option. It felt safer, for sure.

 

It was silly. It was serious, but it was silly and dumb and stupid. All of these thoughts of self doubt sped through his mind. Why did he care about this? Why was this so important, of all things? Was there really nothing else he could do about it? The feelings of discomfort and dissatisfaction with everything had been so present for so long. Sometimes it was easier to ignore. Most times it was not, but it never felt like one single thing. So to finally know what that single thing that was causing all of this was; it was unbearable. Too much so to accept it in any meaningful capacity. At least alone.

 

He wasn’t alone. Amanda had been there for him the whole time. Here she was, wanting to tell him something serious. Something that had clearly been bothering her. He wondered what it was. He reckoned it probably had something to do with Amanda’s personal attraction to people. It had to be that, right? It was the only thing that was so desperately bothering her. Lance had an idea what the problem was. Amanda had always talked about how she did not like boys and how she was much better at doing all the things boys were supposed to do than them. Lance had to agree. Boys were not for him, and he did not like being a boy. He would happily let Amanda take up the mantle of all the things he should have been. It was much easier to cope with the dysphoria with Amanda by his side.

 

If Amanda didn’t like boys, then that was okay. It was what Lance thought. He didn’t really understand why it made her so upset. Maybe she felt lonely. If she couldn’t like boys, then she would never have another person to call her own. He hoped that wasn’t true, for a number of reasons. Firstly, she always had him. She was never alone, as long as he was there, and he knew that he hadn’t been there in the context she wanted someone, but he hoped he could. One day, maybe. Second, just because Amanda didn’t like boys didn’t mean there were no options out there. Lance had heard that there were girls who liked other girls, in the way a girl is supposed to like a boy. He didn’t think Amanda was familiar with the topic, and hoped to bring it up later. That could be a solution to her problems. Amanda could have just been gay and not known what being gay was, or that it was even an option. He knew it was an option though, and it was one he desperately wished was real. Maybe Amanda was gay. That would mean she liked girls, and maybe, one day, if it was really okay, Lance could be there for Amanda in the way she thought nobody could.

 

As a girl.

 

The cat was out of the bag now. Even if he hadn’t spoken it into the world, his mind had finally acknowledged it directly. He hoped nobody would mind. They would, he thought, but maybe if he was a girl he could be more confident in himself, and it wouldn’t matter that people minded. Would that really be okay? He really hoped so. It just seemed so pure. So nice. So right for him. Why did he have to be born a boy with all of these expectations? It wasn’t fair. He should have been born different. Then, he could have had more meaningful relationships with people. More friends. A real relationship with his parents. It wasn’t fair. 

 

Now that he finally thought about it, it was all he wanted. To be the girl who got to be with Amanda. It relied on a bunch of different factors. Amanda actually being gay. Amanda liking Lance. Lance having the ability to transition, to actually be a girl. He cried at the thought. It broke the silence. He wanted it so much, and he didn’t think he could ever have it.

 

“Hey… Lance, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” Amanda said, sliding closer to him and putting an arm on his shoulder.

 

“It’s just, so hard!” He sobbed out, “I know what I want and I can’t have it. I just can’t. It’s not possible for me,” It was true. Even if Amanda was gay. Even if she liked him. Even if everything went right. He just didn’t believe he could really be a girl. It was stupid. This is what he cared so much about. This is why he hid all his life. This is why he ruined his relationship with his parents. All because he wanted to be a girl. He was supposed to be a girl, but what was he supposed to do about it now? Puberty had ruined his body. He was still young, but he was turning into a man now. The thought made him cry even more, causing Amanda to pull him into a hug.

 

He just sobbed into her shoulder for a while. Amanda muttering instances of ‘It’s okay’, ‘You’ll be okay’, and, ‘I’m right here’, over and over again. It was a cozy place, her shoulder. It felt safe. He wanted her to hold him, and hoped she would so many times into the future. It was all he wanted. What a joy it could be, a future too pure, too good to be true, and it was his greatest desire in this moment.

 

For Amanda, she hadn’t yet figured out why she was like this. All she knew is that she didn’t like boys, and that she maybe kinda sorta really liked Lance. It was hard to build off of that. She didn’t like boys but Lance was a boy. He didn’t feel like it though. He didn’t give the same boy feelings that made her dislike other boys. 

 

Her head was spiraling. Even here, in the comfort of Lance’s grasp, holding him tight, her head was spiraling. She couldn’t like him. She couldn’t! It didn’t make sense. She had spent so much of her life denying what everyone was saying about them, but it was true. They had been so close all this time. It felt right. It felt so so so right to Amanda. She just wanted to hold him into the future. It was her greatest desire at that moment.

 

Lance spoke up again, he needed to get this out of him. Even if it ruined their relationship, he needed to make it known who he was.

 

“Amanda, I need to tell you something,” he said as he pulled away from the hug. Staying close, the tears were still coming but he could speak more clearly now.

 

“Me too… I’ve needed to tell you something for a while,” It was true. Amanda had felt like this for a long time. The feelings were there forever, but she had no idea what they were until they started stressing her out.

 

“Let… Let me go first. This is important.”

 

“Mine’s important too, ya dork,” Amanda playfully gave Lance a little shove, trying to lighten the mood.

 

“Haha, I know, I know,” he laughed, “but I really need to say mine first. I think it’ll change how you see me…” He turned away as he said that. Just as fast as the mood had been brought up, it had returned to its tense position. 

 

“Lance, nothing could change how I see you, you’re my best friends,” Amanda meant well but those words hurt. He wanted her to see him differently. The use of his name also bothered him. That’s right, he’d need a new name, if he was really going to go through with this.

 

“You… You don’t understand. I want you to look at me differently, but I’m scared you can’t. I’m scared you won’t…” Lance said, still turned away, scared to look Amanda in the eyes. It was scary. 

 

“What do you mean, you want me to look at you differently. I don’t understand?” She said, tilting her head. She really didn’t understand. What could he have meant? Look at him differently, in what way? Did he not like himself? That must have been it. It would make sense, why he was always so reserved and hidden from the world. If that was the case though, who did he want to be?

 

“I know… I don’t even understand it myself. I just… I can’t stand being me. It’s awful. I’m growing into a monster and I can’t stop it,” Lance was crying again. It really got to him. How could he navigate these feelings when he wasn’t even allowed to be who he wanted? Even if he was, it was just so hard to go through with it. Would it be worth it?

 

“Well… I can try to understand. It’s so clearly bothering you, I have to try, for you, ya know,” Amanda was desperate. Lance was so severely affected by this, she had to help. Even if she didn’t understand.

 

“I… I don’t… Thank you, Amanda,” He reached over for a hug. Amanda gladly gave it.

 

“Of course, so tell me. You can’t stand being yourself. Why?” She bluntly asked while parting from the hug. It was a standard tone for Amanda.

 

It took a moment for Lance to answer. Not because he didn’t know the answer to the question. He did. He knew it so well it haunted him wherever he went. He hesitated because he was scared. He didn’t know how to word it without scaring Amanda off, like it was even a possibility.

 

“I don’t like myself. I think I figured it out… a little bit ago. The thought… of growing into a man,” he shivered as he said that, as if speaking it would make it true, “It scares me so much. I want nothing more than to escape that future. Please, god, let me be free of that future…” Lance wiped away some tears as he said it. The act of speaking through the tears was not an easy one, but he was able to get all the words out.

 

“You- You don’t want to be a man. Why?” It made sense that he didn’t want to be a man. His rejection of masculinity, his fights with his parents, how he always hid and tried to make himself smaller, his seemingly endless longing. It clicked. Of course he didn’t want to be a man. What person who wants to be a man would act so distressed by anything related to actually being one? 

 

“Because… It’s dirty, and gross. I feel like I take too much space. I’m too loud. I’m too forceful. I can’t live in the world because I’m just stomping all over the beauty that exists. It’s like living as a giant in a city made for dolls. I feel so out of place. I would do anything to be somebody else.”

 

“Who would that somebody else be?” Amanda asked. She had an inkling of what the answer would be, but she didn’t want to say anything in case she was dead wrong, but realistically, what other answer is there. It’s almost obvious.

 

“I… uh- If… If it would, uh, be okay,” Lance stammered. It was really stressful to finally admit it, “I would, really really like to be uh- a girl. If that was, um, okay?” There. He finally said it. It was finally real. There was no backing out now. There was no going back into the closet of ignorance. The doors had been pried right off. 

 

“I think… I think it would be okay. You’d make a great girl,” Amanda said, smiling. It finally made sense. So much confusion and misunderstanding and feeling alone. It was all over, for one of the problems at least. She wanted to be a girl. Clearly. In hindsight, it was so obvious, but it wasn’t like Amanda even knew that was an option. For just a moment, it made her happy. She was a girl. It felt more true than anything she felt over the past while. Amanda and her best friend who was a girl. Felt way better than Amanda and Lance, she thought.

 

“Really, you think so?” Lance was taken aback by the idea that Amanda would be so accepting so quickly. Was it that easy? Maybe it wouldn't be this easy every time it happened, but just for a moment, it could be.

 

“Yeah of course. You made a terrible boy anyway. You absolutely could not pull off being any kind of man. It was pretty obvious. You’d make a much better girl. I think so,” Amanda was confident in her words. Just seeing the smiles on Lance’s face was enough to keep her smile going. For a moment, they were just smiling back at each other. It was nice. After the moment had passed, Amanda asked a pressing question, “So. What’s your name gonna be?”

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“My name?” She hadn’t even really had a chance to think of one. Lance surely didn’t fit anymore. Now with the most important person in her life completely accepting of these new developments, it was an urgent case. The idea of Amanda thinking of her like this as Lance bothered her. She needed a name, “I haven’t… uh… thought of one yet?” 

 

It was more of a question than a statement. Felt better phrasing it like that since it was a total lie. She had totally thought of a name. She was just scared. Wanted to deny the moment a little longer and live in this cozy purgatory. She had thought about it. She had said it out loud. Her best friend had accepted her for who she is on the spot. It was very real, but this would solidify it. By saying her real name, the one that had nesteled its way into her head for previously unexplainable reasons so long ago, there would be no turning back. If she said it out loud, both Amanda and her could only ever think of herself as that name. That was the point of no return. It was scary.

 

“Bullshit, I see that look on your face. It’s okay to be scared, but please tell me. I don’t want to keep thinking of you as, well, your other name anymore. It just doesn’t fit. It never did, to be honest.”

 

It was time.

 

“Um… Could you… Please call me April? Maybe? It’s a name I’ve thought about for, uh, a really really long time. It starts with an A so please don’t think I’m cramping your style or anything, but I always liked the thought of April and Amanda as a duo. Ya know, just the two of us, like it always has been,” April had been very scared to admit that. Almost more scared than she had been to admit that she was a girl. There was something true, something powerful about a name that carried more weight than any declaration of gender, and the name April was very powerful. Finding its way into the new girl’s brain a long time ago and refusing to leave. 

 

“April and Amanda… huh… I like it. It’s gotta good ring to it.”

 

“You think so?” April was surprised. Well, kinda. It wasn’t like she thought Amanda woulnd’t accept her name, but knowing that fact and internalizing it when she only truly discovered herself in the last couple hours were two completely different things. She couldn’t be happier. She was smiling like she had never smiled before. Her eyes were radiant. She brought her arms up to her chest in excitement. It was a feeling she had never really felt before. Pure acceptance of the self. Both from herself and the person she cared most about.

 

“Yeah, absolutely! It’s very cute, just like you,” Amanda had been telling the truth, but she hadn’t meant that to slip out. Of course she found April cute. How could she not? The way she was sitting all the time and making herself small, and her hands peeking out of her hoodie like that all the time. God, she wished she could take her hands and hold them, stare into her eyes. Her eyes, how beautiful they were, especially now. After April had shared her truth, there was a light in her eyes that was so infectious. It was irresistible. She had to be hers.

 

Oh. Hold on. There was something about that statement that made Amanda pause. 

 

She had to be hers. 

 

That… that couldn’t happen, right? Girls were supposed to like boys. That’s how it works. You couldn’t have two girls be together? Could you? She thought about it for a moment. Two girls, together like a boy and a girl should be. The thought… It was enthralling. It felt like it had opened a door for Amanda. She didn’t want to be with boys. She didn’t have to be with boys. She could be with girls instead. That was an option? Was that right?

 

It felt right. It felt much better than imagining herself with a girl. Amanda had idly imagined herself with other girls. A hot girl. A pretty girl. A cute girl. There were so many different ways a girl could be attractive, how could you not be attracted to them? How had Amanda not thought of this before? It really seemed like the right option for her. She could like girls.

 

Well, a girl. Singular.

 

There was really only one option for Amanda. It was April. It had been all along. All those confusing feelings about attraction and boys and her kinda maybe absolute crush of April and how April never really felt like a boy anyway and…

 

It just clicked. It all made sense. She was a girl who liked girls, and has always really liked this one girl in particular. It was difficult, because people had always wanted them to date, not understanding it didn’t yet make sense, but now it did. It took a while. It took April figuring out she was a girl, and Amanda figuring out she could even like girls in the first place, but duh. Of course. Isn’t that what they had been this whole time. Two girls who loved each other? Maybe others couldn’t see it, and maybe it hadn’t been romantic back then, but there was absolutely some longing for it on both ends. It had to be real. Amanda couldn’t take the thought of all these realizations without the conclusion they both deserved. She craved it.

 

So did April. She was desperately hoping that Amanda was in fact gay, and her being a girl made her consider the option. She couldn’t have gone all this way only to be rejected in the end. She had to speak up, but it was Amanda who said the words first.

 

“So… I need to tell you something. I figured out something about myself recently…” There was a noted shyness in her voice. The pure euphoria from April’s reveal had subsided for a bit, and was replaced with the nervousness of a crush and the fear of rejection, “I think I finally understand what was going on with me this whole time. You know, with attraction and everything.”

 

“Yeah? What is it?” April said, desperately hoping and praying for her fairytale conclusion.

 

“Well… You know how I always felt alone and left out because I didn’t think I could be attracted to anyone?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. So, I think I figured it out. It’s not ‘cause I’m not attracted to anyone. It’s just that… I am not attracted to boys.”

 

“Well yeah. Of course you aren’t. That’s obvious,” April giggled. It was so cute it temporarily distracted Amanda before she could register what April had actually said.

 

“Hey! I know… but that’s not what I figured out,” She playfully snapped back.

 

“What is it then?”

 

“I thought about other possibilities. You know, clearly, that boys aren’t all that make up this world, and maybe, I could be attracted to other people. I could like girls, and that would be okay,” Unlike April, this wasn’t framed as a question. Amanda knew herself and knew it would be okay despite what anyone told her. She was always the more confident one anyway. She knew it was okay to like girls and nobody was going to tell her otherwise.

 

“You can! I am very proud of you Amanda,” April says. Still hoping. Still praying. She was just so happy for her friend, she hoped she could share that happiness with her in so many different ways.

 

“Thank you, but I’m not done. That wasn’t the big thing I wanted to talk to you about.

 

“It wasn’t?” April’s eyes perked up in hope.

 

“Yeah.”

 

There was a pause. Amanda desperately wanted to go through with this, but it was scary. What if April rejected her? There was no going back to how things used to be if she said this. Their friendship from now on will be framed by this moment. Good or bad. Take the plunge, Amanda. 

 

“I… Well. You’re a girl now, and before, I didn’t really get to understand why I was like this. Why I didn’t like boys. There was always one boy who made me feel differently than all the others. One who didn’t give me those same feelings of disgust when imagining us together.” Amanda was looking at her legs on the bed. She could barely make eye contact, otherwise she would never find herself again. April, for her part, was staring directly at Amanda, providing her no escape.

 

“Really. So who was that boy?” She asked, almost knowing what the answer was.

 

“That boy is no more, and the most beautiful girl I know has taken his place. She made it all make sense. She made me realize who I am. Who I can love, and this whole time it’s been you. I’ve loved you for so long. I don’t know when that love turned romantic, but at some point it became too much. I… understand if the feeling is not mutual. Nothing has to change in that regard, but I needed, needed to tell you how I felt. It was killing me, and now I just see you in a whole different light and it all makes sense,” She paused to look directly at April, “You made it all make sense. I was so confused, but you were there to make it all fit,” She ended with a smile.

April was smiling as well. The two girls were just smiling, staring at each other. For Amanda, she could finally say something that felt true, concrete, for the first time in a while. For April, she had gotten her very wish. It was everything she could have wanted. To get to be with the girl who had been there her whole life, as a girl. It was too pure. Too much so to be true.

But it was. It was the most foundational thing either girl had thought of in years. Of course it was true. There was never any other truth.

“Of course I like you back! It’s part of what led me to discover who I was. Wanting to be with you, as a man, felt so wrong. I felt so bad being attracted to you for so many reasons! It’s like, ‘I can’t like her. She’s my childhood friend. She’ll never like me back. Plus, she hates boys, and I have to be a boy. It’s not fair!’ Clearly, I was mistaken but I’m just… ahhhhhh I’m so happy! Can I hug you?” April ranted. She was just so happy. She could barely contain herself.

Amanda nodded instantly, tears in her eyes. She was just so happy. She could barely contain herself either. Uncharacteristically she said nothing as she collapsed into April’s arms. How warm and safe they felt. This was meant to be for so long.

It was April’s turn to be the talkative one. Usually she had been so quiet for fear of being seen in certain ways, but she knew there was never any way Amanda could see her that way ever again. Amanda was so overwhelmed with emotion, she could barely say anything.

“This is just, a dream come true honestly. Amanda you make me so happy, “ April said, pulling away from the hug. It’s not that she didn’t want the hug to stop, but she wanted to say that looking her directly in the eyes. Oh, her eyes. Such beauty through the tears. And there were tears. At those words Amanda just collapsed back into her arms, almost sobbing.

 

“Thank you!” She said through the tears, “Thank you, thank you, thank you. I couldn’t imagine where I’d be without you.”

“Neither can I. I wouldn’t even know who I am without you. You’re so important to me.”

“And so are you April,” She blushed at hearing her real name. It made her feel like a real girl, like someone who hadn’t just figured it out in the last 24 hours.

“Thank you,” She said while blushing. She was blushing hard. Both from the compliment, and from her working her way up to what she needed to say, “Okay. I need to ask this. To make it real. Amanda, will you be my girlfriend?” She waited with bated breath, even though she knew the answer already.

“Of course, my April. Only if you can be my girlfriend too,” She said, still with tears in her eyes, though less so than before.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, oh my god yes please. There is nothing more I want,” With that, Amanda had a thought run through her brain, and decided that, even in her emotionally overwhelmed state, could make a playful remark into something beautiful.

“I can think of something I want more,” She said, smirking through the sniffles.

“Yeah? What is it?” April, eager to ask a question, she didn’t know the answer to.

“Can I get a kiss from my lovely girlfriend? Oh, pretty please?” Amanda tried to do the puppy dog eyes while drying the tears from her face.

“Oh my god yes, please.”

It was a deep kiss. A long one. One filled with a lifetime of love and drama only teenagers could imbue with such importance. A first kiss for them both, with a childhood love they had only recently discovered.

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