Chapter 4: The Walk Home

It was a warm autumn day, like all autumn days in the area, and Amanda was freaking out. Walking home from school with Lance, he was all she was thinking about all day. What was up with him? Those thoughts that wouldn’t leave her mind. What this meant for her whole ‘situation’ with attraction? She didn’t understand. He was a boy, and she didn’t like boys. Was he the exception? Maybe. One would think this would be the saviour that Amanda was looking for, but the idea of dating Lance was stressing her out in a multitude of ways.

 

First was the obvious. She couldn’t date him. He had been her best friend forever. It would throw off their dynamic. Plus, it wasn’t like she liked him. Well, she did like him, but not like that. Maybe. She does like spending all of her time with him. He was really cool. Well, he was decidedly not cool, but he was cool to her, in his own little dorky way. It was so adorable. He didn’t have that same essence other guys had that made her lurch. He was somehow immune to triggering the same feelings that would cause her to turn away in disgust and disinterest from other guys, which brought her to her second point. 

 

He just was not like other guys, and that was stressing her out, and that made even less sense. Why would this stress her out? Maybe it’s because it meant she didn’t understand her friend as well as she thought she did. She didn’t like the idea that Lance was hiding something that he didn’t trust Amanda with. That idea hurt. She wanted to know what was bothering him. Maybe she could help. Maybe she could hug him to make him feel better, thought upon further reflection it didn’t seem like that would work. He didn’t like being touched. It seemed he had a lot of issues with his body, which she again didn’t understand. Yeah he wasn’t the most masculine guy out there, but wasn’t that what he wanted? He hated being masculine. It was why he and his dad had such a falling out. Maybe though, it would make him feeling better. There was the other day to take into account. He had laid his head against her shoulder, and it was nice. Really nice. So nice it sent her into this very spiral, and he seemed to like it.

 

She liked the idea that it made him feel better. That’s really what she wanted most of all. Him to feel better. They had a very strong relationship for so long. It hurt to see him hurt, and the fact that she could make him feel better, made her feel better. She was smiling. 

 

“What’s got you so happy? You’ve been uncharacteristically quiet today,” Lance chimed in. Fuck. He had caught her smiling. How could she tell the truth? It was so embarrassing. ‘Yeah, I was just smiling because I was thinking about hugging you and making you feel better and debating how I definitely do not have a crush on you. Haha.’

 

“Uhhhhhh… Nothing,” Amanda said, staring straight forward. She didn’t know if she could look at Lance. He was just, so Lance. She didn’t understand. There were a lot of things she didn’t understand, and suddenly Lance was one of them. It was so disorienting. She thought that Lance would be someone who always made sense to her, and now there were so many confusing feelings swirling in her head.

 

“Yeah, that sure sounds like a whole lot of nothing,” Lance giggled. It was so cute. What guy giggled? He was just so unique like that. So much so that she just blushed.

 

God, he had her so bad, and for what?

 

“Yeah. Nothing at all…” She trailed off. Still couldn't even look at him. What was happening to her? Lying to him did make her feel bad. Earlier she was thinking about how she wanted Lance to tell her what was bothering him, and it hurt that he could possibly not tell her. Wasn’t she doing the same thing? Not telling him? She should probably tell him, now that she thinks about it. It was embarrassing. How could she even begin to tell him? She had to start somewhere.

 

“Actually,” she stopped and grabbed Lance by the shoulders to stop him. The move had frazzled him a bit. She was still avoiding his eyes, looking at the ground, but at least she was facing him now, “There was something bothering me. I just… I don’t know how to say it. It’s really difficult for me to word, and I’m kinda embarrassed, and I don’t know how I feel,” She was rambling a bit, something she thought she would be doing a lot more of.

 

“So I was right…” He smirked.

 

“Shut up, dork,” She gave him a playful shove and looked at him for a second, before looking down again. She was smiling. He made her smile. He kinda always had, but it was getting worse. It didn’t even feel like all of a sudden, it had always been like this, but the idea of anything serious hadn’t come across her mind. Maybe that’s why she was so stressed out recently. Before she could just live in peace with Lance. A cute friend that was nothing more, but now things were different. Maybe he would be the solution to her attraction crisis, but for some reason even if, hypothetically, they dated, it still felt like something was missing.

 

“So… What’s bothering you? You seem very deep in thought?”

 

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“Yeah… I am. It’s, uh, difficult. The feelings are difficult to parse. I don’t really understand,” She looked almost worried. Lance couldn't read her feelings very well. He was never really good at it, but he felt so lost at this moment. He was worried about her at least. He didn’t like seeing her so bothered like this. Something had been on her mind all day, clearly, and it was still bothering her. It must have been something serious. He had just hoped she wasn’t hurting. He wasn’t sure what he would do, but seeing her smile, or seeing her cheer up had always done the same to him, along with some extra feelings he didn’t want to think about. They were too complex, and it was easier to just leave them untouched, just like plenty of other feelings he felt on the regular. 

 

“Well, I don’t mind listening. It’s what I’m best at.” He said with a giggle. It was true. Lance’s ability to listen had been one of the foundational elements of their friendship. He didn’t like to talk much anyway. His voice was too gravelly and too deep and too loud and just too much. It was much easier to listen and be there for the one person that he so deeply cared about. Listening to Amanda was like second nature to him. Anything he can do to make her feel better made him feel better, and listening was the thing he could do.

 

“I know, I know,” Amanda responded. She was still looking down, but started walking forward again. Making her way home, one part of her hoped that she would reach her destination before she had to admit anything, but another part of her knew this couldn’t go on much longer. She needed to say something. Maybe she would invite Lance over and talk about it then. The safety of her own room seemed appealing.

 

“You can always just talk, ya know. It doesn’t need to make sense. It doesn’t need to, well, work, but you can use me to help parse them. You’ve done it before. I just, I see you hurting, and I know this is bothering you. I want to help. I don’t like it when you hurt,” Lance said as he caught up to Amanda who was walking at a fast pace. He looked over at her to find a reaction, and it seemed like for the first time all day, Amanda looked back at Lance.

 

The look in her eyes made his stomach flutter. He saw that she knew. She knew exactly how much he cared for her, and vice versa. He saw this look in her eyes that told him the same thing. They cared for each other greatly. There was this connection that cut through all of the reserved feelings they both were burdened with. Amanda didn’t worry about what was going on with Lance. She wasn’t worrying about her attraction issues or why Lance didn’t feel like much of a guy or why she absolutely couldn’t like Lance. Lance wasn’t thinking about how he out of place he felt in every scenario. He wasn’t worrying about Amanda hiding things from him. He wasn’t worried about being too big or having feelings that weren’t allowed.

 

They were both content with each other, and one look was all it took. So much said with absolutely no words at all. Everything their friendship had meant was communicated in only a moment. They truly loved each other, as friends of course, but maybe, if it was okay, they could start to love each other more.

 

Amanda’s house had come into view. They were reaching the end of their walk and would soon need to part ways. She couldn’t let that happen. She had to say something. Something needed to break. They counld’t part ways. She couldn’t be alone. Not right now. She needed to be with Lance right now. No matter what happens. No matter what her feelings meant. She needed him, as he needed her.

 

“Hey…” She started, “Did you want to stay over today? I had some things I wanted to talk to you about?” She was embarrassed and ashamed as she said that. The feelings from earlier had come back. That look could only keep them at bay for so long.

 

“Yeah, I had some things I wanted to talk to you about as well,” Lance responded. The feelings he had been harbouring were close to boiling over too. While Amanda had been visibly bothered all day today, Lance was bothered too. He didn’t want to worry about it, those feelings weren’t allowed anyway. She was more important, but he also didn’t want to hide from her. He didn’t want to betray her or be a stranger. The feelings of discontent and the disconnect from the world were getting to be too much. Part of why he no longer wanted to be a stranger was that talk from the lake the other day. He wanted to live in the world. He wanted to be a person. It wasn’t much, and it didn’t make sense, but at the same time it was everything to him. 

 

He thought about who he wanted to be. He wanted to be like Amanda, but not. She was confident and loud and he wanted to be confident but not as loud. He liked being quiet, but he didn’t want to be invisible anymore. Maybe he could talk about who he wanted to be, and hopefully, that person he wanted to be was a person that Amanda would love, and that they would be together for the foreseeable future.

 

“Yeah, that sounds nice. I’m excited,” It wasn’t a lie. She was excited. So was he, but they both felt reserved, ashamed, and embarrassed. Through all of that was excitement. It was the most potent feeling. 

 

Amanda and Lance scaled the stairs, and entered her home. Her parents weren’t home yet, so they grabbed some snacks, and made their way upstairs. To Amanda’s room, where feelings could be truly felt, without the need to hide.

 

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