Chapter 17: reality 1: “true self”

When Ayn opened his eyes, he wanted to close it back. He wanted to go back to that world and go back to being Ai, the elf, who went on his fun adventures with not a single worry in the world. Making friends, discovering hidden pathways, being happy. Yet, those words taunted him as he tried to go back.

[World Symphony] is now undergoing maintenance.

So Ayn laid there. On his bed, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling of his one bedroom apartment. What day was it? He didn’t really know. What time was it? He really didn’t know either. The blinds of his one window were glowing with an orange hue, so maybe it was the evening. Either way he didn’t really care.

A rumbling in his stomach told him that he needed to get up and get some food but he didn’t have the energy for that either. When was the last time he ate? He couldn’t remember.

And then it came.

A wave of just pure sadness and anxiety. It settled in his chest, stuffing it full until he felt like he was drowning. There was a jittery uncomfortable feeling that he felt alongside them. He tried sitting up but the heavy feelings didn’t let up nor allow him to sit. His breaths slowly grew heavier until he was almost panting. The room was lit but he felt like he was stuck in a dark, dark room with no air or sun.

Breath. In, out, in, out, in - 

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. He got up and dashed towards the desk at the other side of the room. He slammed open the drawer and dug through it with his shaky hands. 

He needed it. Where was it?

After some digging he then remembered that his mom had packed his VR CDs away and took it with her. It was probably for the best but at that moment Ayn couldn’t help but loathe her for doing so. Those games and programs were the only thing that kept him afloat. Countless ‘games’ that sent its players to a white room or just walking simulators. It was the only way he could stop this heavy, drowning, stuffy feeling that wrecked him. Anxiety, sadness, fear, it all came to him in waves.

If one took a look at his VR console right now, they would see it.

Negative Emotion Suppression: 80%

Ayn wanted to crank it up to 100% but it capped at 80% due to company rules that didn’t allow for it as it could breach ethics code so it wasn’t even the complete suppression he craved, he still felt negative emotions though at least it was manageable. He was just so tired of it all. Of this feeling that left him unable to function like a normal human. He wanted to sleep forever, wanted to go inside his virtual world where he didn’t have to feel this way. He could just easily suppress it.

All of the sudden, he wanted to laugh. 

Why did the game decide that he was an elf? He was the complete opposite of them. The elves he met and talked to were brave, they weren’t scared to declare what they loved. They displayed it with pride and didn’t back down. They faced all their troubles bravely too, like Avra with their sense of duty even though they would be treated terribly and Kalmytra with theirs even though it probably brought nothing but loneliness. He was nothing like them. He was a coward. He wanted to run and hide. That was all he wanted to do. 

In the other room, Ai could hear the phone ring. He glanced at the door but made no effort to actually get up. He stayed on the floor, his head against the side of the desk, he didn’t want to get up. 

The phone directed the caller to voicemail. Ayn could hear them. It was his mother.

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“Ayn. When are you coming to see me? Are you still locking yourself in?” A sigh of exasperation. “Come on now, how long are you going to keep doing this? Do you know what people are saying? You’re an adult now, can’t you control your emotions a little bit better? Don’t be a child now.”

Then it was over. 

Ayn realized why that rich elf he saw in the game bothered him so much. They reminded him too much of his mother. She’d always been a proud woman who couldn’t understand those around her who were different. She’d always been strict with him and never took the time to understand him. As a child growing up, Ayn had to experience her toxic parenting until he finally decided to break away and live on his own. 

But it seemed like he could never fully escape her.

Neither her nor these feelings would ever disappear.

Ayn stayed where he was for a long time before finally forcing his body to move. His stomach rumbled once again. He grabbed a fruit from his desk, took a few bites to calm his stomach, then dove back into his bed. He grabbed his blankets and covered himself with it. It was stuffy, hot and hard to breathe under there, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to go back to sleep.

10 hours until [World Symphony] finished maintenance…

9 hours 59 minutes until [World Symphony] finished maintenance…

9 hours 58 minutes until [World Symphony] finished maintenance…

9 hours…..

 

 

 

 

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