Chapter 1: Prologue

I understood the cruelty of reality long before my time to understand it. The people who would ridicule me simply because of my speech, laughter and mockery was all I heard and I detested it to the very depths of my heart. A victim a bullying, I was and even the shouts I screamed that even heaven could hear remained obscure to those so-called righteous ‘men’. Someone like me trying to make friends only results in answer of rejection,” I tried”, I always told myself. I would repeat these thoughts in my mind as to not mentally break down and convince myself that I am not alone, perhaps it was a way to cope with my loneliness and continue in this troubled world aimlessly, simply spiraling into a bottomless abyss. The very concept to be different confounds society and such a thing cannot be accepted, I knew. If someone asked me, do you despise humanity? I would say ‘yes’. Why you may ask?

Humanity is a species that fail to comprehend the heart. No, they are a species that understand it very well but are able to twist it into something terrifying. Something absolutely scary where even you and me would be dumbfounded by the innate evil of humans. They would confuse what is Truth and False and what might be False may be True. Such a notion is why people like me suffer in silence because a truth can be twisted into a lie to benefit those in a higher societal standing than me where even if I were plead to God I would only wake up to reality and realize the real ‘Truth’ and that is that I am useless because I don’t know how to be useful. I am weak because I am not strong, I cannot fight because I don’t know how and I am lost because I cannot find that slight glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. I am walking a road of endlessness. I plead for help; someone please save me. A voice yearning of freedom and love, a wish I hope that can one day come true…, but I know it is all trivial.

I’ve always asked myself why I am alive, why I breathe, why I feel, why I am always reminded of my own insignificance in this world. If the world already has the people it needs, the people who can do far more than I, achieve more than I, then what is the point of my existence? Jealously? Pride?, Ego? I am a person who has never cared about such minor things as I was shaped by my hateful experiences to leave it all behind and let go. What I have left in the end? Nothing.

I can only look up and gaze at the shimmering moon overhead that takes center stage, as the many stars congregated around as though the crown of the moon, a gentle night breeze pervading tranquility yet contradictory to the internal struggle and the sound of absolute silence to only accompany such a beauty of nature. A dream of peace is something I can only long for and here I stand on a ledge with my arms spread wide continuing my longing gaze at the moon.

What is my purpose? What is my reason for living if all I have to give is nothing to no one but my torn soul? Who can save me if my own existence is as insignificant as the grass I tread on a daily basis?  

I could feel my heart beating faster, the heat circumnavigating my whole body to the point where even drops of sweat trickled down from my head. The irises in my eyes shrunk as I began to lean forward over the ledge. My breathing grew thin and I finally took in the last scenery, branding it onto my soul. A deep breath, I took and the end eventuality was a darkness so abysmal that I gave up any chance of turning back. The cold night air collided with my body, soothing and cooling my body and my life began slipping from my fingers. I wanted myself to disappear. Yes, this feeling of emptiness, something I’ve always known and the place I will soon see. My end is here and my life halts here ...

Tragic right ?

 

 

   

Some say that your every move, every experience and your minute existence was a preconceived concept and you are never really in control of your life. The decisions you have made and ought to have made were already set in motion and you are moving in a direction according to those decisions and the end reality is that your fate is set and destiny will forever remain stagnate. If that is true then is my fate to always be sidelined by those more beautiful than me even with the amount of hard work I’ve implemented? Is it my fate that I cannot be loved by someone? Is my reality so dark that to find something worthwhile in this world is simply as difficult a scaling the universe? Beauty, body proportions in my eyes are such superficial notions that I do not pay attention to them as I’m someone who doesn’t have great beauty or the most appealing body to the eye. Its natural to detest something most people place significance on. I try to believe that there is someone out there worse off than me, someone lifeless, someone just filled with emptiness as I. While it may seem cruel to wish for such a person in this world it’s because they would be the only person, I could feel comfortable nearby without having the belief that they will judge me, call me repulsive, insult me to the point where I would run and run and run aimlessly just to escape. Sometimes even running to the point where I fall unconscious, only to wake up lying where I fell, crying with so much tears in my eyes and subconsciously hoping a voice telling you its going to be okay never truly comes.

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I can’t smile, I can’t laugh, I can’t seem to find joy in this world and if someone asked me, do you despise humanity? I would say ‘yes’. Why they may ask?

Well, that is because of the façade humans tend to place towards those around them. Emotions are easily swayed without knowing and people become attracted to this façade and what is to follow is a saddened end. The human heart is as though the flowers that bloom in spring, it can easily die if not tended to it carefully with a specific awareness to maintain its entirety. It can die and when it does, the soul then dies and well …. The only outcome is death. Cruel yet true.

 

My eyes could only look up at the glimmering moon that stood aloof, independent from all beings. Alone in its entirety yet able to shine bright enough to illuminate the already night skies, the many stars congregated around as the insignificance of the people of this world and only I remain, a gentle night breeze pervading tranquility yet a whisper from the grapevine speaks in my ear. A calling, someone is falling…

I could see it, that lost soul, I could see it, my eyes saw it. My heart beat vigorously, the blood in my veins spiraled out of control. Why would someone do this to themselves? I knew the truth as I’ve always known the truth. A truth I acknowledge yet I never wanted to see happen right in in front of my eyes. So, I ran, running with all my might as I looked upon the falling soul.

Please just this once, allow me to become the little hope that they need.

Please just let me vanish in this hopeless world.

Similar, yet different, roads align and paths collide. Hope perhaps can be found in more than one.  

 

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