Chapter 4 – Thermosphere

March 24th, 2022

It turns out the heartthrob prince was actually quite the chatterbox.

Chatterboxes are a no thank you, nuh-uh, rejected. They’re as much a no-thank-you as those types who get mad if you don’t reply immediately. Murderers are better in my eyes. You talk for way too long, waaaaaay too long! Know your place, tagalong!

We spent an hour in a coffee shop after meeting up at Mana’s shrine at 4pm. Then, we spent an hour at an Italian restaurant (though she did treat me). Then after that, it’s been an hour at this bakery! (Though yeah, she did say she was treating me). Yukari just kept going on and on. Does she have some screws loose or something? Is she attempting a triathlon? Is the coffee shop swimming, the Italian restaurant cycling, and the bakery a marathon?

I had tried to get her to get to the point many times but every time, she’d say, “I assure you this is all necessary, even if you don’t understand it yet” and “It’s important that I say it all in one go. Continuing on another day just won’t work.” This bitch would probably go on talking for hours if there wasn’t a time limit, so I guess it’s good enough that we finish this all today. That’s what I realised after 2 hours had passed.

The contents of what she said were, at time-to-time, fairly interesting. If she hadn’t been able to hold my interest, I would’ve blown a fuse anyway. I couldn’t imagine Mana with long black straight hair in a sailor uniform. If there were any pictures, I wanted to see them.

The heartthrob prince continued talking leisurely.

“I was sure of it, you know. I was sure that Mana would reply with a troubled face saying, ‘And why is that?’. Or maybe, she’d surprise me and say ‘I don’t know’. Even an answer like that would leave me with no choice but to shut up. But I was fine with shutting up. If Mana had answered ‘I don’t know’, my revenge would have been complete.

Though if you were to ask my why that’s so, I’d be at a loss. Apparently, people who lack a sense of pain, in other words, analgesic exist. How would you explain pain to these people? Me being at a loss for how to explain is a similar situation. Don’t you think the thought that one should understand everything about others is ridiculously arrogant? How do you think people who were born without a sense of pain feel when they are told to try to ‘understand the pain others feel’?  The way I see it, that demand shows a lack of understanding of the ‘pain others feel’.

‘Why is the sky blue?’. How do you think Mana replied to this question?”

Yukari was silent.

I doubted my eyes and ears for a second but it was obvious that Yukari’s mouth wasn’t moving and I could neither hear her voice.

It seems she was awaiting my answer.

What the heck? Did the Earth suddenly stop spinning? That’s how implausible it felt that Yukari was silent and waiting for my answer. The same way you still feel the sway of waves on land after a long trip on water, it felt as if Yukari was still chattering away even then.

I get it now. This conversation is ending soon. No, I’ll make it end.

“…I think she replied by asking‘Why do crows cry?”

“That’s a good one. If you were to answer ‘For its own sake’, she could use ‘Then, the sky being blue is also for its own sake’. But, that wouldn’t have resulted in an incident.

Here’s the answer.

Mana, as I was lying down face-up, straddled me and──”

“Wait a sec!”, I said, for the first time cutting short Yukari’s long-winded speech. Don’t tell me she held me hostage for 3 hours (though yeah, she treated me), all the while talking non-stop just for this. “Look at how well we get along! You’re just a pest.” Is that what all this was coming to!

Yukari looked down, averting her gaze, and gave a low laugh. She laughed for so long that the I started to feel awkward.

“Unfortunately, the sort of fun you’re imagining didn’t happen. Ah, sorry, it’s not good to assume it’s fun. I don’t how it feels. In this case, I’m on the side of people without a sense of pain. But then, I think the majority lack those sorts of feelings. Probably.

Let’s get back to the story.

Mana, as I was lying down face-up, straddled me──”

It didn’t matter to me that Yukari gave the excuse that she didn’t have those sorts of feelings. I didn’t find it funny at all. I mean, I can’t relate to having those sorts of feelings, no well, uh, maybe I could just a bit. But still, in practice there was no way. Having said that, even if practically speaking I don’t have those sorts of feelings, I still felt just a bit annoyed.

Even as I busied myself with excuses, Yukari continued talking.

“──Mana covered both my eyes with the palms of her hands.

‘Is it still blue?’, she asked.

‘Of course it’s blue.’

‘What if this eye could never see again?’

‘Well, it’d still be blue.’

‘Then, let’s test it.’

Mana jammed her fingers into my eyes.”

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

Junko, I’m sure I told you this at the start: “I’m certain that as we pass through this tunnel, I will change into something else”. It seems that I’ve become that. Let me be forward here.

When she was met with unpleasant words, Mana would try to silence the other person──that’s what I had insisted, and that’s what you complained was inconsistent and frivolous. Since you’ve went so far, let me say my piece too.

How else should Mana’s action here be interpreted?

I had before said this──” Mana must eliminate unpleasant words. For the sake of that, she has no fear or qualms about the methods she uses.” Tell me, is it possible to understand Mana’s response here in any other way?

Perhaps you understand, O Great Creator of mine. You do have the sort of sensibilities that I don’t. But I ask that you don’t force that understanding of yours on me. Humans with different sensibilities are residents of different universes; they understand things differently.

I feel that that was what Mana was trying to tell me that time. “The sky is blue”, that perception I had was something that could not be separated from my sense of vision. It wouldn’t hold true in other universes. I feel that’s what she was trying to convey to me.

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

“Hey there, your face isn’t looking so good. Have you gotten hungry? I’ll order another set of cake. We’ve been here for quite a while after all.”

The heartthrob prince called over a waitress, and ordered both our shares without asking me.

“Are your ey──”

It took all I had to say that.

“As you can see, they’re working fine. Perhaps I was lucky, or Mana went easy on me, or perhaps the human body is just sturdy. Well, it was likely all of those.”

“Did it become a big deal?”

“It did. Suspension and probation.”

I finally understood why they were so secretive about the reasons for their transfer. It’d have to be quite the set of circumstances for them to want to tell this story.

“The suspension was light enough of a punishment, but her parents couldn’t accept it. Mana’s parents said they couldn’t understand her motive and were deeply troubled about the whole matter. Since Mana has that sort of personality, I had to stand up and defend her. This long-winded manner of speech has served me well, you know. Just as I did today, I took my time talking and managed to restore Mana’s relationship with her parents.”

“Why go so far?”

“We’re friends.”

“Even though she did that to you?”

“It was a bit troublesome, but it wasn’t so severe that I’d cut ties.”

Right then, the cake set that Yukari ordered arrived. Without even looking to see what kind of cake it was, I took the fork and shoved the cake into my mouth then I swallowed it without even tasting whether it was sweet or not.

What the heck. So, in the end, the two of you really do have a thing going. You’re just boasting about your love life. Fuck this. I hate it.

“Though I said I restored their relationship, it was only to the bare minimum. The only thing that went away was their fear of Mana as an unpredictable monster.”

The heartthrob prince raised the curtains on the second act.

 

There’s this job called Volunteer Probation Officers. They’re volunteers who aid the offender (some who are boys) in their rehabilitation. Due to the nature of their occupations, monks and pastors frequently volunteer. Mana’s Volunteer Probation Officer was one such monk from a certain temple. That monk was on good terms with someone in COMS Hakusan’s management.

Among COMS Hakusan’s management, there had been a desire since some years back to set up a shrine for a Blessed One. They knew it would make a buzz and they were glad that they could use the empty lots. The problem lied in who the Blessed One should be. A Blessed One must never touch money, and they have to live alone. They couldn’t find someone who would not only be willing to live an inconvenient and lonely life, but also be good for the image of COMS Hakusan and is capable of writing the Blessed Fudas.

Mana fulfilled all those conditions.

Mana needed to prove to her parents that she was making efforts to become a proper person. If she could undergo the trials of living as a Blessed One, she could show that she’d become ‘proper’, and their parent-child relationship would be recovered. That was the gist of it. Mana’s inconvenient and lonely life as a Blessed One was a trial for her.

Mana comes off as plain having a plain personality. It isn’t a recipe for popularity among people her age, but they didn’t care about the meagre amount of money children used at the shopping center. Mana’s mature air was a hit among those with tons of money. To top it all off, she even had the calligraphy skills and could write in cursive.

“And that is how Mana became a Blessed One.

Now for the third act,  ‘How did I become a butler?’”

“A butlerr?”

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

The heartthrob prince gave a low laugh for a long while.

Aren’t butlers those people who serve Western nobility in their fancy mansions? What part of Yukari was anything like a butler? But when I thought about it, Yukari never left Mana’s side as they went to and from school. For Mana who couldn’t touch any money, Yukari was a necessity. I guess she was something of a butler.

Yukari finally stopped laughing, and began her explanation.

“The Japanese word for butler, ‘shitsuji’ is actually rather old. In the imperial court of the Heian period, there was a post called ‘shitsuji’. In fact, even now, at bigger temples and depending on the sect, there are still people holding the position of ‘shitsuji’. It’s a position where one who hasn’t renounced the secular world handles the temple’s clerical work. ──Or so I heard from the volunteer probation officer assigned to Mana.

When I heard this, I found the part about ‘not renouncing the secular world’ to be to my liking. And so, I started calling myself a ‘shitsuji’, or a ‘butler’. The Association──The Blessed Association let me use this title and hired me. Back in the olden days, people in this position were referred to as being on ‘wallet duty’, and this duty would be rotated among several people. However, I felt that the word ‘duty’ was unsuitable considering there would be no rotation of duty. “

Oh, so Yukari was working with the Blessed Association too. Now that I think about it, it’d be weirder if she was handling the Association’s money and wasn’t part of it.

“I hope you understand the history behind the naming now. Well then, the next is the matter of why I took on this position.

What do you think the reason is?”

Yukari waited for my response.

I don’t want to answer. What if it was because Mana begged her with tears streaming down her face, saying “It needs to be you.”? I’m sick of hearing about their love affair. Fuck this shit.

Yukari continued waiting for my reply. Eventually, I have in and said,

“…Because you’re friends?”

“That would be the biggest reason. But, that’s not all.

It may sound peculiar for me to say this but──I felt responsible for everything. If only I had never approached Mana, she would have never done that sort of thing.”

Ugh, what a bitch. She’s just boasting more about the depth of their relationship!

“But don’t you think it’s weird?”

“What is?”

“Even though I was at fault for approaching her, why is it that there’s been no effort to put distance between us?

Let me leave you with this: Mana is likely a lesbian. I, on the other hand, am not.”

The heartthrob prince took the receipt and left.

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter. Princess Kaguya is a criminal from the moon, and as punishment for her crime, she is banished to Earth. However, in The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter, it is not mentioned at all what crime Princess Kaguya committed.

Let’s compare Mana to Princess Kaguya.

Mana was punished with the duty of a Blessed One. Her crime was blinding her friend for a nonsensical reason. She said, “Then, let’s test it” and tried to gouge out both of that friend’s eyes. That is a horrific and unforgivable crime. Exactly because her reason was nonsensical, this was an unforgivable and horrific crime. This was a sin that transformed the sinner from a human to an unknown beast.

However, actions that seem horrific on Earth take on a different colour on the moon.

Let’s change the setting from the apartment complex where she lived with her family to an endless desert-like wasteland on the moon. Without the atmosphere to weaken the effects, the Earth and the sun shine harshly. Never mind how the sky isn’t blue, how there’s no oxygen to breathe, or how the two got there. It doesn’t matter. On the moon, there is nothing ‘nonsensical’. Other than the two, there is nobody else and thus there is o one else who needs to understand.

If she were to, on this moon, say “Then, let’s test it”, and try to gouge out both of the other’s eyes──

Rather than imagining it, it was more accurate to say I was consumed by this fantasy.

At the world of the moon where neither the past nor the future existed, there was no need to cling to life. Even the infliction of bodily scars would be nothing but a sensation. Gouging out someone’s eyes or having your eyes gouged out would be a strange yet intense feeling. One that would perhaps tie the two, the one giving and the one receiving, with a deep bond.

But, the moon where Princess Kaguya lived was one with crime and punishment. In that case, it was hardly much different from Earth. The one who had her eyes almost gouged out by Mana was that chatterbox Yukari, and it was her that rattled on about the past and the future. The endless desert-like wasteland, the world lacking a past and future, was nothing more than my fantasy.

Mine──But, was it only mine?

What motivated Mana to do something like that? How could she bring herself to do it in this world that has both past and future, and sin and punishment?

Maybe that timeless wasteland was Mana’s fantasy. Soon, in my deluded head, that “maybe”, the sign that I still had my wits about me, melted away. It became that Mana was together with me in the same wasteland, and I couldn’t escape it.

The last words Yukari said to me then, “Mana is likely a lesbian. I, on the other hand, am not.”. Maybe that was but a metaphor. Maybe she was trying to say that they had an irreconcilable difference in opinions. Maybe Yukari was trying to say that Mana lived in a timeless wasteland, and she wasn’t. Wouldn’t.

All these “maybe”s melted in the delusions festering in my head. I imagined Mana gouging out both my eyes in that timeless wasteland where Yukari couldn’t reach. An eternal moment that had no past and no future.

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

All that said, fantasies are just fantasies, and Mana is just Mana.

I dreamt an amazing dream after hearing the stuff Yukari said and fantasising. Nothing like that happened. I woke up normally and was greeted by a normal morning. I rode the bus to school which then stopped by the bus stop near COMS Hakusan, and Mana and the tagalong got on. The tagalong held Mana’s PASMO card and said “This is for her share of the fare”. After which, she tapped the card onto the fare box. It was something I had gotten used to seeing every morning.

“Good morning”, I said. After the usual casual greeting, the very next moment I met eyes with Mana.

Ah.

Uhh, umm.

Woops, didn’t mean anything by that.

It’s nothing. Really. 100%.

Unable to say them out loud, lies and excuses overflowed in my head. I didn’t think it was wrong that I heard those things I heard or that I had those fantasies. However, I couldn’t help but make excuses for myself. I tried to rationalise things. Fantasies are just fantasies; Mana is just mana. But it didn’t work.  When I tried to adjust my glasses, the wasteland rumbled. It was because of my trembling fingers.

Mana, with her charming monolid eyes, smiled a friendly smile as if she were normal like every other person.

“Good morning.”

It was just the usual “Good morning” but it felt like she had seen right through me.

In my panic, I opened my mouth.

“Mana, you actually” do have a secret stash of money, don’t you──But I only got as far as “actually” then I shut my mouth.

I stunned by what I just did. It made no sense. Why on earth did I open my mouth just now? Why did I only say it halfway? What the heck. I wasn’t thinking.

Mana seemed to notice my suspicious manner, and tilted her head to the side puzzled. But was she really puzzled? Wasn’t she smiling because she saw right through me?

One thing was for sure. I badly wanted to ask her things. You actually hide money and bring it around everywhere, right? Right, there was another thing that was certain. Even though I badly wanted to ask her that question, I couldn’t.

All I have to do is ask. The worst case is that Mana gets mad, but even then, she’ll be fine about it eventually. Yet, I still couldn’t ask.

My head was spinning when Mana said,

“I heard from Yukari.”

Without pause, Yukari said,

“Oh, that’s sudden Mana. I was planning to leave the fun for later.”

“Yukari, be quiet for a bit.”

A rather stern command coming from Mana. And then,

“Are you scared of me?”

“What. Why.”

I thoughtlessly, because I wasn’t in the condition to think, answered honestly. Scared of Mana? That’s ridiculous. What was there to be scared of? Hm, I can’t remember.

“Because I was the assailant in an assault case”

“I guess you’re dangerous, but I’m not scared of you.”

This was another honest reply. Mana was dangerous, but I wasn’t scared of her.

“I see.”

Mana smiled. A smile that felt like one a wild animal might make: a raw smile.

Yukari’s words replayed in my head, “Mana is a lesbian. I, on the other hand, am not.” That might not have been a metaphor.

“Right then, could you take this?”

Yukari took out a wallet from her bag. It was the wallet that held the money and PASMO card that were Mana’s necessities.

“It won’t be forever. For now, just hold onto it until we meet tomorrow at school. Because of this, my commute time’s gotten longer. It’s quite a bother.”

It wouldn’t affect my commute time. “Sure, no problem”, I replied as I reached to take the wallet, but I realised it then──if I take this, I’ll be able to find out whether Mana secretly has money.

Convenient self-serving fantasies flooded my mind. Let’s say it’s night, and we’re at COMS Hakusan. Mana suddenly has a craving for oden. She decides that calling Yukari who lives so far away just for oden would be bad. So she decides to call me instead since I live in the neighbourhood as she’s preparing to go to the convenience store. Unfortunately, I just so happen to be in the bath so she ends up leaving a voicemail. She arrives at the convenience store and tries several times to call me; every time, the call doesn’t go through. At this point, Mana will be drooling seeing the oden just out of her reach. Neither the customers nor the convenience store employees seem to know her. That’s when Mana will take out her secret stash of money and buy oden. I finally get out of the bath, hear the voicemail, and call Mana. She’ll pick up and then she’ll say, without a hint that it’s supposed to be a secret, that she used her secret stash of cash and that she doesn’t need my help anymore.

As I added more and more detail to my fantasies, I went stiff.

“Ah, I apologise. That was a selfish request to make.”

Yukari tried to put the wallet away again. I panic and rush to grab it.

“I’ll do it.”

The moment I touched the wallet, my hand trembled as if it had been shocked. I held onto the wallet with both hands, and my trembling finally stopped. I wonder how I, with my obviously trembling body, look to these two. They probably think I’m still feeling the aftershock of learning about Mana’s past.

Suddenly, I got an idea. Yesterday, Yukari had said before parting, “Even though I was at fault for approaching her, why is it that we’re still stuck together like this?” Maybe that was──

“──Are you sure you only want me to hold onto it ‘till tomorrow?”, I asked as I looked at  Yukari’s expression closely not wanting to miss a detail. My eyes were as wide as plates.

“For now, yes. I’ll be taking it back properly later.”

The heartthrob prince smiled teasingly as if it were a game. I stared at her, trying my best to see what lied beyond that smile when Yukari’s expression turned serious and she nodded. I nodded back.

Yukari was without a doubt planning to distance herself from Mana.

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

Still, why would you leave us alone like this!

“The money inside this wallet is basically pocket money. Mana and I are allowed to use it as long as we’re careful. Because the things bought using this money become blessed fudas too, you have to be careful not to use too much of it or else you’ll be found out. Oh, also make sure you’re frugal just in case any sudden expenses come up.”, Yukari finished her explanation, and went towards some fellow third years. By the way, the money inside the wallet was a bit over 2000yen in cash.

I should be rejoicing since the tagalong is gone, but I can’t calm down. I want to talk but I can’t think of anything to say. They say half a loaf is better than none, so it doesn’t have to be anything big.

Finally, I found something to say and so I asked.

“Are your parents doing good?”. Aaaaa, I messed up. It’s such a nice morning and I had to spoil it with a heavy topic. She’s basically in exile from her home right now. What was I thinking?

“Yes. What about yours?”

“My dad’s doing fine. My mom passed away a long while ago.” Hearing that, Mana looked down sadly and said,

“I didn’t know. Sorry for asking about a sensitive topic.”

Another depressing topic! Well, not for me, but I hear it is for the people who accidentally ask.

What I really want to ask──the truth is you actually have a secret stash of money, don’t you? But I couldn’t bring myself to ask that.

“You’re living near COMS now, right? It’s not too far from my home, right? If you suddenly feel like eating oden in the middle of the night, just call me up. I’ll bring this wallet to you.”

You are reading story You are to Me at novel35.com

Using my oden-buying fantasy earlier as a guide, I laid a trap. Right after I said it, I felt disgusted at myself. Having an ulterior motive like this feels bad. Even if the other person doesn’t notice it.

“…Junko, you’re a bit weird today.” I think she may have seen through me.

“Well, sorry!” Why the hell am I getting mad! I panicked, waving my hands and lowering my head, “I’m sorry. I’m just feeling a bit crazy today.”

Mana giggled.

“Eh, did I say something funny?”

She smiled silently.

“I guess in a way, it was?”

Unsurprisingly, Mana stayed silent and tilted her head to the side meaningfully.

Even after we got off the bus and reached school, Mana didn’t say a single word. The whole time we were together until first period started, no matter what I said, Mana would only either silently nod, laugh,  look away from me, or tilt her head to the side.

In the moment, I couldn’t understand why Mana had done all that. I just felt restless and annoyed. But when classes started, I thought of Mana’s expressions and all her little gestures, and I didn’t feel restless or annoyed. On the contrary, it was all uhh, how do I say this, not exactly cute but I guess partly kinda cute. There was something else… Ah I give up! No more.

I mean, let’s face it. Mana’s cute. She’s beautiful too. But I don’t want to say that. I felt reluctant to use those words. The problem is those words represent an objective view so you need to think about how other people view things. This thing I felt about Mana was completely detached from what other people thought.

There’s no other way to put it and I don’t want to say it that way anyway. For me, the word that was most faithful was neither words like “cute” or “beautiful”, nor was it “drawn to”. It was “love”.

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

From stalking her to crushing on her. Is this an improvement or did I get worse? Let’s just say it’s both.

I mean, I’m still curious about Mana’s money matters. If I could just take her to some shady place, strip her bare, and check her clothes and bag, it’d be killing two birds with one stone; I’d be thoroughly satisfied. Or at least that’s how I strongly I felt about it. Well, if I did that, Mana would obviously hate me and avoid me, and the police might get involved too. It’d be a big load off my mind.

I just don’t see what else I’m supposed to do to Mana other than becoming the devil himself like that. What’s the point of doing something normal at a shady place? I just don’t get why the males and females of the world get so excited going on dates, or going on trips or having sex with the person they love. I get that I probably seem disgusting to them though.

At the lunchbreak, Mana finally spoke to me,

“Are you okay now?”

“Probably.”

Right then, the heartthrob prince came along,

“Hey Junko, how’re things?”

“Well, I haven’t used the wallet yet.”

“Oh, I don’t mean that. I’m talking about how you were awfully peculiar this morning.”  The way Yukari had the nerve to use “awfully” when any other person (even Mana) would use “a bit” was very like her.

“Life’s like that sometimes. Is it different for you?”

“I imagine so. But I can’t say I’ve ever experienced that feeling myself. Right, see you later.”

The heartthrob prince left.

Alright, it’s time for lunch with Mana. Just the two of us. I opened my lunchbox and Mana said,

“That thing you said about Oden this morning.”

Oh right, the trap I laid based on my oden-buying fantasy. Hearing those words I had used to hide my ulterior motive, I felt a pang of self-hatred. But, it’d be weird to take those words back now.

“It doesn’t have to be oden.”

“I want oden. Just not from the convenience store.”

“You mean like a diner or something? They sell oden at those?” I hardly ever ate at diners, so I didn’t know what sort of things they had on their menus.

“Make it.”

Make it? Who? Oh, me.

Ah. (0.1 seconds elapsed.)

Ah. (0.2 seconds elapsed.)

Ah. (0.3 seconds elapsed.)

Okay now, here’s a pop quiz.

Q1: Where would you eat the convenience store oden you bought at the middle of the night in the middle of winter? (Answer: At home)

Q2: If you had a friend who came all the way to help you buy oden, what would you do? (Answer: You’d invite her to your house and eat oden together)

Q3: If someone, clearly with an ulterior motive, told you “Just call me up if you feel like eating oden at night”, what would you infer they were planning? (Answer: They want to invite you to their house, eat oden together, and do some other thing)

Q4: According to Yukari, Mana is that sort of person. Now then, what “sort of person” is that? (Answer: Likely, a lesbian)

Q5: Mana said this morning that she “heard from Yukari”. Now then, did Yukari tell Mana about the matter in the fourth question? (Answer: There’s a big possibility)

Q6: If the answer to Q5 is “yes”, what type of activity is the “some other thing” mentioned in Q3 referring to? (Answer: The kind of thing friends don’t normally do together)

That’s not it! Absolutely not!

…But then again. (0.5 seconds elapsed.)

An invitation to Mana’s house just fell into my lap. The reason I invited her over to my house that Sunday was to get her to invite me to hers in return. Since it’s her own house, she’d probably get careless and leave trails of money usage──stuff like convenience store receipts and boxes of mail-order items──lying around.

Is this a godsend? Wait. Wait a sec. (0.7 seconds elapsed.)

It’d be one thing if I had managed to get my plan into action without Mana noticing, but right now, she’s inviting me. I mean, if it comes to that, I can just run away. But if I run away, she’ll ask why I even came. And then if I don’t admit to my real reason (to find traces of money), she’ll think of me as suspicious.

…But, maybe I’m thinking too much? (0.9 seconds elapsed.)

Think about it, Mana and I are both girls. I’ve never told her I love her and she hasn’t told me so either. None of us have implied so either (probably).  According to Yukari, Mana is that sort of person. But even if that’s true, that doesn’t mean she’d be okay with any girl. Isn’t she just inviting me over as a friend?

And then I remembered. (1.1 seconds elapsed.)

I remember. The first time I talked to Mana at school, when I asked her if she hated me, she said she liked me! But that was a friend sort of like right? Even if it wasn’t, there’s no proof decisive enough to prove otherwise yet. I’m sure Mana gets that too. For now, let’s just say we’re friends──but wait, would you really go to such lengths, in the middle of the night even, just to buy oden for someone who’s just their friend?  I don’t think it’s that weird, but someone like my dad, for example, would.

Right. My dad. (1.3 seconds elapsed.)

I’d be going out at night, so I’d have to tell my dad why. If I were to be out for so long because I was making oden, Dad would call and then he’d ask who I’m with and to give the phone to them. And Dad thinks Mana is dangerous.

That’s my ticket to freedom: my dad! The result of my great 1.5-second-long introspection were these words:

“Sorry, my dad doesn’t like me staying out too long at night.”

“I see.”

Mana looked at me silently without moving her chopsticks.

That great 1.5-second-long introspection must’ve been a bit strange. No, it was not just a bit, it was awfully strange. I looked away, waiting for Mana to move her chopsticks again.

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

“This is for her share of the fare”,

I recited the tagalong’s usual line. Feels weird.

It’s morning, I was in the bus to school. I was standing ready at the front area of the bus. (This bus had one-time fare per ride, and you had to pay it as soon as you got on from the front door.) And I was waiting for Mana to get on from the bus stop near COMS Hakusan.

 

Sama New Town’s terrain is steep. The main roads went through valleys, so looking out the bus, all you’d see were slopes. Most of those slopes had trees growing, and a handful, the very steep slopes were reinforced with concrete. That’s why when you looked out at Sama New Town from the main roads, it would seem like there were lines all around. Not so much when you see it from above.

I wonder what the place Mana used to live at before was like. I’ll try asking what she thinks about Sama New Town. Until now, Mana seemed like she didn’t want to be asked about the past, so I couldn’t. But now that I know about Mana’s secrets, she might be more willing to answer. I thought about those sorts of things as I waited for Mana to get on the bus.

As we neared the bus stop by COMS Hakusan, among the usual line of commuters, Mana was there standing without the tagalong.

Seeing her up close it doesn’t feel so, but seeing her standing there among other people from afar, I was surprised by how small Mana’s figure was. She wasn’t just short; she had small shoulders, a small waist, and a small head. It almost felt like she was the only one out of perspective in the scene. Small, but now weak. As compact as she was, she had a force to her.

An abrupt thought came to mind. She’s definitely hiding a stash of money. No doubt about it.

The people standing at the bus stop and the people getting on the bus, no, even all the hundreds of thousands of people commuting at Sama New Town right now, actually no, even the tens of millions of people on Earth right now commuting by bus or by train, all of those people had money on them. Maybe not all of them had cash, but they’d at least have something like a credit card or a commuter ticket. Mana being the only one without any money? That’s impossible.

The people at the bus stop were getting on the bus. As soon as the passenger ahead of Mana tapped their PASMO card to the scanner, I came in and got that wallet out. “This is for her share of the fare”, I said to the driver as I tapped the card to the scanner. Mana gave a simple greeting to the driver as she went past the fare box, smiled at me and said “Good morning”.

Ahhh.

How should I say this? Uhh, ah, right. It’s love. I love Mana.

I really love you, so please show me the money you’re hiding. That crazy thought floated in my head as I greeted Mana, “Good morning”. People who say things like “I love you so…” or “If you love me, then…”are seriously the worst, probably got some screws loose too. But yeah, I did just say something similar. Just not out loud.

“When did you move here?”

“Around mid-December.” Woo, that’s one step forward. Until now, Mana just got quiet and looked away when she was asked about the past.

“Almost two months since then, huh? So, have you gotten to know the area?”

“I don’t go out too much. There’s nothing to see anyway.”

“The roads and buildings and stuff are pretty cool, ya know.”

I told her about how because the terrain was steep and there were many pedestrian walkways, Sama New Town had many unique roads and buildings. If you go somewhere unfamiliar, you’re guaranteed to encounter something that’ll make you go neat. I also talked about how the only road that goes straight on is the main road, and most of the roads were full of twists and turns, some even crossing over passes, which made them very unpredictable. And how because of all that, the whole Sama New Town was literally like a giant labyrinth; you could never know where you’d end up once you enter a side road.

I explained all that, but this time, it was Mana who was unable to relate.

“There aren’t any Inari around here. It surprised me.”

“There are, though?”

There’s a proper Inari shrine around 20 minutes from my house if you take the bus and then the train. It was on the outskirts of of Sama New Town but it was still part of it. I explained so and Mana said,

“There’s only those proper ones though.”

“What ‘improper’ ones are there?”

“In the gardens of detached houses, they’re the torii gates and small shrines that are about this tall.”

Mana gestured a height that was about up to knee height. Miniatures?

“No way, that sounds cute.” Mana’s eyes widened and she asked,

“You’ve never seen them?”

Mana talked and I found out that around Mana’s family’s home, there were a lot of those things. But, it still felt like she was exaggerating when she said that she only had to walk 5 minutes and she’d see a torii gate. Pretty unbelievable to me.

“I just thought: maybe the reason they wanted a Blessed One was because of the kind of town this is.”

“Is that related?”

For some reason, Mana smiled. Not a polite friendly smile, but that smile that held me captive, that raw smile.

“This town lacks religion.”

　　　　　　　　　　　　　＊

Religion? I guess a Blessed One is sort of a religious thing… Wait, is it?

The bus was now driving on Sama New Town’s highway, Sama Street. After the bus drives a while through Sama Street, it’ll head south, pass through another valley road (all the regular-route buses’ routes pass through valley roads), and climb to the bus stop located at a pass. Then, we get off the bus, walk for five minutes, and we’ll reach Sama Seitaku Girls’ Private Academy.

Sama Street has diners, convenience stores, video rental stores, gas stations and the like lined up at regular intervals on the sides of it. I’m sure most highways in Japan have this kind of view on the sides, but I don’t ride cars much so I don’t know.

“Isn’t religion the sort of thing where you need a founder or like a doctrine?”

“What is and what isn’t a religion; that is for sure a religious issue.

Take this Olympic synchronised swimming athlete who wrote about their past.”  

This athlete said this event happened when they were in elementary school. They had just started synchro then, and were trying their best to become more flexible through calisthenics. They didn’t do it alone but with the help of adult coaches. And then one day, as their three coaches were holding them in a double shoulder lock, their fascia is torn.

“What?”

A torn… fascia? I can’t imagine what that’s supposed to look like, but it sounds scary.

“The moment it tore, it was extremely painful. After that, the pain didn’t go away, and they had internal bleeding which made them unable to even walk properly. That’s what I read.”

Apparently, the next day, unable to withstand the pain, they went to the hospital, where they’re told to take some time to rest. They try to stick to observing during practice, but the coaches tell them it’d be a waste not to move since their fascia’s finally torn, and so they are forced to participate in training.

“Barring extremely important reasons, doing a thing like this to an elementary schooler is a crime. For example, if there were no other way to cure a disease. It has to be as big as that. Rather than having the pain of that disease continue forever, just a few days of pain are fine. It’s forgiven because of that sort of comparison.

That doesn’t hold up for sports. Whether or not the pain is worth it can only be decided by the athletes themselves.

However, even if an elementary schooler makes an independent decision on this sort of matter, in most cases, it doesn’t affect the judgement of a crime.”

Until here, I was also nodding along in interest as I listened. However.

“For instance, if someone under the age of 13 has sex, regardless of what they say, it would be classified as rape.”

I think my ears are gonna pop off. Not my eyes but my ears. No, really! What the hell! We’re in a crowded bus! Mana’s sense of shame has gotta be wack to be saying stuff like “sex” and “rape” out loud right now!

I had to stop her no matter what. But Mana hates people saying things to her thoughtlessly. I’ve never tried this before, but whatever. So,

“Mana, sorry. Could you let me set two words as banned? Don’t ask why. Please.”

“Banned Word No.1──”

…It’s too embarrassing to say it! It’s so easy to say when I’m just joking around, but right now I feel like I’m dying from embarrassment.

Since I was silent for so long, Mana said,

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear that.” She’s really gonna make me say it, isn’t she? Is this humiliation play? Bring it on then, I’ll go along with your humiliation play.

“…Sex.” As I said it, I unwittingly imagined doing it with Mana. I continued,  

 

“The second is rape.” This one wasn’t embarrassing to say. I mean, I can’t imagine doing that with Mana.

“Got it.”

“Thanks. …What were you talking about again?”

“I was talking about how elementary schoolers’ decisions are treated.

And how they’re ignored when it comes to Banned Word No.1”, She just substituted the word! “but aren’t ignored in sports.”

“Come on, sports and that are completely different.”

Hearing that, Mana averted her gaze and looked down. That’s her reaction when she hears unpleasant words.

“Are children and adults ‘completely different’?”

Oof. You can’t say yes or no to this. Nobody transforms into a completely different person the moment the clock strikes midnight and they become thirteen. Mana, seeing my inability to answer, added salt to my wound,

“What about men and women?”

Women can’t have kids together, but they can definitely do the stuff associated with it. Even me and Mana can. …I’m definitely fantasising too much about this.

Mana, ignorant to my fantasies, continued talking.

“If ‘completely different’ is enough to explain things, everything in this world can be explained as simply being ‘completely different’. Is that what you want to do, Junko?”

When you put it that way, I guess that’s right. But if I were to agree, that would mean that Mana’s Japanese and my Japanese are “completely different”. Meaning we wouldn’t be able to have any meaningful conversation because our Japanese would be as different as English and Chinese are.

“…Got it. Please continue.”

“Despite being ignored in banned word no.1, it isn’t in sports. Something must be the cause of this difference.

That something is related to religion.”

“Are you saying sports is a religion?”

　それならよくわかる。なにが楽しくて汗水たらして駆け回ったりするの、意味がわからない。汗水たらすくらいならまだしも、さっきのシンクロ選手の話とか、いったいなんの淫いん祠し邪じや教きようよ。

I get that. How can people have so much fun running around all sweaty? Like, if it was just getting sweaty, it still sounds okay, but that story of the synchonised swimmer Mana told earlier? Sounds cultish to me.

“Maybe.

Or maybe what is a religion isn’t sports but the children.”

You lost me there. The children are a religion?

“Maybe adults are a religion, or maybe banned word no.1 is a religion.”

Hm, I kinda get Banned Word No. 1 being a religion too. So the horny males and females who come together to do late night combat on their futons are practicing religion. Yeah, let’s pretend that’s how it is. I can feel my heart being cleansed as we speak.

“In reality, religions aren’t just limited to organised religions that have founders and doctrines like what you said earlier. The things that don’t fit those conditions aren’t necessarily unrelated to religion.

Religion is present in the things that don’t seem like they are. It’s just like how the air has water vapour. Organised religions that have founders and doctrines are similar to the rain. They’re connected to the water vapour in the air.

Going by this metaphor, the Blessed are like mist.”

Halfway through, I didn’t really get it anymore, but I understood the conclusion. Organised religions are rain, the Blessed Ones are mist. Pretty sure it was something like that.

The bus was almost at the mountain pass bus stop. Along the roads here, a park and a university among other things could be seen along with the many cherry blossom trees that had shed their leaves. It was a wonderful sight having all these cherry blossom trees in spring, but right now, it was quite a cold and lonely view.

Mana concluded the conversation.

“This town lacks mist.”

In other words, she’s basically trying to say that we need more miniature Inari shrines. But I honestly still don’t really get why we need those.

And anyway,

“Mana, you don’t really have a mist vibe to you.”

The miniature Inari shrines she talked about are, just like the Blessed One in Wandering Knife, half-baked and sloppy. To take care of a proper shrine, you need a properly organised religion; you can’t do things half-baked.

Mana doesn’t seem sloppy. If she had been like my dad had expected, someone who just used a mobile printer to print Blessed Fudas, then she’d be sloppy. But Mana properly wrote everything in cursive with her own hands. She’s very proper.

Mana looked away and frowned stiffly hearing my impression of her. It’s rare for her to make that kind of face.  Uh, was what I said that bad?   Besides, Mana usually says something when she hears something unpleasant said to her.

“…True.”

Guess she was aware of it.

But, you at least have a secret stash of money right? I almost said that out loud. There’s no way she’s so proper even when people aren’t looking, so she doesn’t need to be so offended by it. Ah.

But, what if she really doesn’t have a single yen in her bags nor in her house? What then?

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