Chapter 177: Why Does Her Heart Refuse Not To Settle?

"I fail you, and I will never be worthy of your wife."

Xia Sha's reason sounds absurd in Guan Xian's ear. He could not accept her rationale or that he could fathom what's going on in her mind right now. 

Guan Xian just wished that he could stop that brilliant analytical mind of Xia Sha from overthinking amidst struggle like this. 

"What I fail you, you fails me? We aren't in an exam! We are in a relationship. We are bound to make mistakes because we are only human. But that's come with the package. Right? We are supposed to make mistakes, forgive and learn from them in a relationship. Isn't it?" Guan Xian furrowed his eyebrow, sounds frustrated when Xia Sha exhales a heavy breath. 

"It's not like that. You won't understand," Xia Sha looked away, refusing to clear Guan Xian's confusion. 

"Then teach me to understand. Why did you treat me like this? You flew me to heaven and filled me with high hopes at one second. I blinked for a moment and realized you were manipulating me again as you dropped me to the hell!" 

Why everything has to be so fraught with significance and confusion? 

Xia Sha immediately felt her heart got pricked icily by Guan Xian's world. Her breathing got short as she tried to control her expression. Showing her best try in acting, she stretched her lips wide.

"Oh? You've finally realized the real me," Xia Sha exclaims with fake sarcasm. 

"You are right. I was manipulative and cruel. I only used you and your power to save my company. I targeted you from the start. Up until today, I've succeeded in making my company stand strong. I need to thank you for that," Xia Sha added, smiling brightly at him as if she informed a piece of good news to Guan Xian. 

Guan Xian arched his eyebrow slightly as he tried to repress the fury. His veins start popping on his neck and forehead, but his face remains calm. 

"You can still make use of me. It doesn't matter," Guan Xian paused before he added, "It doesn't matter as you love me."

"But do you?"

Guan Xian turned to Xia Sha and mildly threw her a cold glance. The anger beneath his quietness is palpable. Xia Sha got dumbstruck as her long lashes quivered in hesitation. 

"You knew the answer. I don't do love. I never love you before," Xia Sha forced a smile as she tried to keep her voice calm. 

Guan Xian forcefully closed his eyelids and ground his teeth. 

Guan Xian scolds himself for being so stupid.

He should have known that he could not push Xia Sha to the corner like this. He should have done better and slowly coax her. 

He did not understand how they end up like this, but he is quite sure of one thing. He would not let Xia Sha got away like this. 

However, Guan Xian realized that he isn't capable of doing that right now. He is emotionally unstable. If he opens his mouth once more time, the result going to worsen than he could imagine.

And he did not want to hear that word coming out from her mouth again. Break up.

He got so agitated by Xia Sha's words that he did not bother to coax her again. Giving up, he let Xia Sha moves further away from him and let the car filled with dead silence for the second time. 

The two-hour ride felt like a four-hour ride because of the tense atmosphere between them. Xia Sha has a mixed feeling when she saw Shen's residence from afar. 

Xia Sha felt like she did not recognize herself anymore. She wished that she could escape from this car and Guan Xian. Yet, at the same time, Xia Sha wishes they would never part. 

Guan Xian's anger has dissipated after the long ride, but he still reluctant to start a conversation. There is a hint of disappointment in his eyes when Xia Sha did not open her mouth until the last minute. He keeps his eyes fixed on the building passing by the window.

At last, their car stop at the entrance of the grand Shen residence. Xia Sha strengthens up her back, gathering all the strength left in her to move her hand and open the damn door. Such a simple task filled so hard when your heart contradicted with your mind. 

"I'll go now," Xia Sha announce with a low voice. She steals glances at Guan Xian, who still refuse to look at her. 

Tang Yu Bin gives Xia Sha a polite smile as he opens the door for Xia Sha from outside. Xia Sha looked at Guan Xian's back with one last censorious glance before she grabbed her bag rigidly. 

Xia Sha turned her back to Guan Xian. Her gaze settles on Tang Yu Bin now, smiling weakly as Xia Sha bid her goodbye with a small voice. 

As soon as Tang Yu Bin returned to his seat, the car droved away almost instantly. Xia Sha turned her back with a complicated expression as she watched the car got smaller and gradually disappear at the end of the road. 

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She took a long and heavy breath before she goes to her mom inside the house. 

Shen Xia Fei has waited for her arrival. Xia Sha could tell from the worried expression on her face and her gesture when she sees her. Xia Sha did not smile, nor did she frowned when Shen Xia Fei pulled her into a warm hug. 

She remains stoic when Shen Xia Fei pulls her hand to sit on the living room's couch. Mother Shen grabbed Xia Sha's hand gently, she had a lot to tell, and it shows on her face. 

Xia Sha looked at her mother and waited. Mother Shen took a long pause. She must be confused about where to start her story. Xia Sha blinked. All the emotion she tried to keep inside her heart began to burst when she heard Shen Xia Fei's voice. 

"Xia Sha," Mother Shen called out her name with her melodious voice. The usual calming and warm voice used to bring sweetness to Xia Sha tasted like a bitter coffee right now. 

It wakes Xia Sha up from her dream, dragging her to reality. 

"Mom."

"Xia Sha, I want to apologize for keeping things from you," Mother Shen said with a trembling voice. She lowered her head, trying to control the overwhelming streams of sadness. 

"I was selfish. I did not want you or your father to shed tears because of my illness. I was stupid for thinking that I better disappear from your world rather than fighting my sickness along with you two. I don't want to show my vulnerabilities and rain on your father's parade."

"The company just won the best company of the year. Your father was at his prime time," A gentle smile plastering Shen Xia Fei's face as her memories took her back to the happiest time of her life.

"I made it as if I cheated so your father could let me go. But he did not. Instead, he started to vent his anger by acting as if he derailed with another woman. I keep asking for a divorce, but he never listens to me. I had no choice but to play the victim card and make the public and closest family pressure him for divorce."

Xia Sha looked at her intently, waiting for her stories as if it's a sweet lullaby. 

"You know how stubborn your father could be. He refuses to divorce no matter what I do. My lupus attacked my kidney. I was getting weaker each day. Your father might notice my change and finally found out about my illness. Only then did he agree to divorce," Shen Xia Fei lost her strength at her last sentence.

"Why don't you tell me anything? I hated you, hated dad, I hate the world for vain this whole year," Xia Sha pressed her lips into a hard line. She tried as hard as she could not let tears fall from her eyes. 

"What should I do if you go that time? Mom, what should I do?"

Mother Shen did not answer, but she keeps wiping tears that started to fall on her cheek. Shen Xia Fei did not dare to look at Xia Sha. She prepared herself to answer this question. 

She thought she was ready. But facing Xia Sha's, mother Shen could not move her tongue at all. 

Xia Sha watched her mother crying in silence. Her face is full of distress and agony. Her finger twitched, slowly reaching for her mother's hand. 

"But I'm here now. That's all that matters, right?" Mother Shen tried to smiles as she touched Xia Sha's soft cheek, wiping the gentle drop of water falling from her eyes.

Xia Sha frowned, still trying to normalize her breath and stop her tears. She wanted to vent the frustration and anger inside her, but she can't do it. 

Xia Sha stares at her mother and slowly nodding her head. Yes, her mother is still by her side right now. That is all that matters. She had to try to keep this on her mind since last night. 

But why does her heart refuse not to settle? 

She still felt anxious all the time, as if something is lurking her from the dark. She could not rest her eyes for a moment. She could not let her guard down, nor that she could trust anyone. 

"You are here now, but what about later? How can I trust you or Dad again?" 

Xia Sha stares at Shen Xia Fei blankly. Her tear welling up below her eye pocket, but none of them fall to her cheek. The light reflected on her white, porcelain- glass skin. She looks so beautiful, yet so sad. 

Shen Xia Fei could hardly swallow her saliva when she sees Xia Sha. She could see the wound and pain she left for her child. 

And her heart broke along with Xia Sha's. 

There is a long moment of silence where they only looked at each other without spouting a word. There is along with thought behind Xia Sha's brown eyes. But the only word she could squeeze out from her throat before she left is;

"Mom, forgive me."

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