Chapter 3: The Masochist Crusader

"My name is Darkness." The Blond Crusader introduces herself. "My calling is that of a crusader." She's becoming a blushing and heavy breathing mess. "Would you.... Would you please let me join your p-p-party?"

"Um..." Kazuma starts but Darkness put a hand on his wrist.

"Those two slimy ladies earlier were allies of yours, right? Along with the cosplayer?"

Smaug's eye twitches. "What do you mean-!" Kazuma sticks a turkey leg into her mouth and she quiets down.

"They were swallowed by Giant Toads, and the mucus-" Kazuma starts.

"What?!" Darkness shouts, interrupting Kazuma. "It's worse than I imagined..."

'She's crazy, but really hot.'  Smaug thinks. 'Dad always said; 'don't stick your dick in crazy', but, I don't have one so I should be good.' A tear falls from Smaug's eye. 'R.I.P. Buddy.'

"No, wait!" Darkness shouts again. "As a knight, I cannot overlook such horrors befalling three girls of such a tender age!"

Darkness is looking at Kazuma with a crazy look. 

Smaug is still comping on her turkey leg.  'In the book, Smaug did like turkey a lot.' Smaug thinks. 'Has that transfer over to me? I wonder if anything else from that book has transferred over to me?'

"No, I'd advise against it." Kazuma says to Darkness. "It's hard to say how useful one of our members is, another can only use her magic once per day," Kazuma points to Smaug. "This one doesn't know any of her magic and spends all her money on food."

"Mmmhmhmh!" Smaug makes angry dragon noises with a mouth full of food.

Kazuma points to himself. "and I'm the lowest job class. Our party's total trash, so I'd recommend you look elsewhe-" Darkness tightens her grip on Kazuma's arm. "Ow, ow, ow!"

"That's even better!" Darkness says to Kazuma. Then she lets go of him and takes a step back. "The truth is, this was a bit difficult for me to say, but while I have confidence in my strength and stamina, I am clumsy... so, um... None of my attacks ever hit their mark."

'Well, she's still better than that useless goddess, Aqua.' Smaug thins as he swallows her turkey leg, including the bone.

Darkness gets right up into Kazuma's face. "As such, I'll charge to the front line, so please use me as a shield!"

Kazuma is panicking and sweating.

'You're Virgin instincts are kicking in now, Kazuma?' Smaug raises an eyebrow as she's watching the scene. 'Pft, what a loser. I bet I could get many girls. Who wouldn't want a piece of the great Smaug.'

Kazuma looks away from Darkness. "No. I could never use a woman as a shield."

'What happened to equal rights, equal fights?' Smaug thinks.

"It would be my pleasure!" Darkness states. 

"Well, we get eaten by monsters in every battle."

Darkness blushes. "That would be even more my pleasure!"

Kazuma looks at her with a strange look. Darkness is blushing and breathing heavily.

Smaug stands up and slams her hands on the table. "Can we keep her! I promise to feed her and take care of her!"

"Oh, to be treated like a pet!" Darkness blushes more and she rubs her thighs together.

"NO!" Kazuma yells at Smaug.

The next day at noon.

Smaug is sitting at a table, eating, at the guild. She's watching Aqua doing party tricks. She sticks an entire leg of turkey in her mouth, plus the bone, and chews on it.

'I hate being hungry a lot, darn Smaug for having a large apatite!'

Smaug growls as she throws another leg of turkey in her mouth.

----

"Konosuba!" An angry Smaug yells.

---

Smaug is skipping down the street while humming.

Boing
Boing
Boing
Boing

Suddenly she stops and looks around. 

"Why do I feel angry all of a sudden?" Smaug asks herself. "Did Kazuma do something to Megumin?"

Smaug begins to run towards the guild.

"I'm coming, Megumin!" Smaug yells.

----

"Kono...Suba? Is that it?" Dave asks.
(Some of you will know who this is.)

------

Smaug enters the guild and quickly looks around and spots Kazuma with a depressed looking Megumin eating and a blushing and hugging herself Darkness.

Smaug walks over to the group and she hears a laugh. Another girl walks over to them.

"That won't do, Darkness." The girl puts a hand on Darkness's shoulder. "You can't be so pushy."

Smaug reaches Megumin and begins to pat her head. Megumin is starting to feel better.

"Um, and you are?" Kazuma asks the girl.

The girl turns to Kazuma. "I'm Chris, a thief, as you can see." She points her thumb at Darkness. "This girl is my friend, I guess? You seem to be in need of a useful skill. How about a thief skill?"

"Huh?"

"It takes very few points to learn, so it's a good value. I'm sure it would come in handy. How about it? If you act now, I'll do it for the cost of a drink."

"That's cheap! Alright, please do!" Kazuma holds up an empty pint. "Excuse me! One ice-cold drink for this lady over here!"

----

"Konosuba." Chris calmly says.

----

Smaug is sitting at a table and happily eating food. She's humming while taking a drink of juice. Megumin walks over to her and sits across from her with her own plate of food.

They both hum while eating food. Then comes over to them with a pint of beer and begins to down it.

Kazuma enters the guild with a big smile on his face. Aqua and Megumin get up and go over to him. Smaug stays at the table and continues to eat.

"Where have you been?" Aqua asks Kazuma. "You missed my dazzling tricks."

Darkness, with a big blush, and Chris, who's crying are behind him.

"Wait, what's with her?" Aqua points to Chris.

"Actually..." Kazuma starts.

Darkness steps forward. "Indeed. She's just depressed because, when she taught Kazuma thief skills, her panties were stripped off, then all the money she had on her was taken." 

Kazuma panics. "Hey, what are you blurting out?!"

Chris rubs her eyes. "He said giving back his coin pouch wouldn't be enough, so I said I'd pay any price if he'd just return my panties..." Both Aqua and Megumin are horrified. "But then he told me to decide what they were worth on my own!"

"Whoa, hold on! Hold on!" Kazuma yells. "You're not wrong, but seriously, hold on!"

"He said if I didn't, they'd be revered within his family as an heirloom from now on!"

People are giving Kazuma dirty looks.

"Hey! The eyes of every female adventurer around us are turning stone-cold! Seriously, wait a second!"

Chris sticks her tongue out at Kazuma.

"So, Kazuma, were you able to learn the thief skills without any trouble?" Aqua asks him. 

Kazuma chuckles and looks to them. "Well, see for yourself. Here I go!" Kazuma points his hand at Smaug. "Steal!"

Kazuma's hand shines blue then it dies down. Smaug drops the food from her hand and it clatters on the plate. She begins to grow a blush.

In Kazuma's hand are pure white panties.

"What's this?" Kazuma asks as he looks towards Smaug.

Smaug looks into her pants and her blush grows.

"Huh? W-w-w-what happened?!" Smaug yells.

"Kazuma, you..." Aqua starts.

"Pervert." Megumin states.

"H-Huh? That's strange." Kazuma stretches out Smaug's panties. "What you steal should be random..."

Darkness runs over to him. "To strip a girl of her panties in a public place is truly savage! I can't let this pass!" She blushes. "You mist let me join your party!"

"No, thanks."

Smaug is in the background panicking still.

Darkness blushes and breaths heavily. 

"Hey, Kazuma?" Aqua points to Darkness. "It this the person who came for an interview while Megumin and I were in the bath yesterday?"

Smaug walks over to Kazuma with her hair shadowing her eyes. Smaug grabs the panties out of his hand.

"This is all they had at the store!" Smaug yells as she runs out of the guild, crying.

"Your a bad person, Kazuma." Megumin states.

----

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"KONOSUBA!" Smaug cries.

----

Smaug is heading back to the guild with a blush on her face.

"Stupid Kazuma." Smaug grumbles. "And his stupid Steal. They only had one color at the store." Smaug looks down at her boobs and jiggles them. 

Boing
Boing
Boing

"And they only had one pair of bras that fight my size."

An alarm rings out and Luna's voice comes over the town's speaker system. "Emergency quest! Emergency quest!"

Smaug stops giggling her breasts and looks up to the speaker tower.

"All adventurers, please gather at the front gate at once. I repeat: All adventurers, please gather at the front gate at once!"

Bells start to ring.

"But that's on the other side of town!" Smaug shouts.

People run past Smaug freaking out.

-----

"KONOSUBA" Smaug says.

Boing
Boing

---

Smaug and the rest of the party are at the front gate. Smaug narrows her eyes and looks of into the distance to see a bunch of green things heading towards them.

"What is it? What's coming?" Kazuma asks

"I'll protect everyone." Darkness says. "Kazuma, stay close to me."

"What's the emergency quest? Is it a monster attack?"

Aqua walks over with a big basket. "Didn't they say? It's cabbage. Cabbage!"

Smaug turns to her. "What?"

Smaug looks back to the green things and sees it's actually cabbage flying towards them.

"What the hell?" Smaug asks herself. "This isn't something I thought I would ever do?" 

"Harvest time!" All the adventurers yell.

"Bring out the mayonnaise!" Aqua yells.

"Why is this happening?!" Smaug yells.

Compulsory Quest

Defeat All the Cabbages
Flying into the City

"Go!" Someone yells.

People charge forward.

"Do I have to do this?" Smaug asks. "This seems like a waste of time."

"You will get paid by how much cabbage you get." Aqua tells her.

Smaug's eyes gain a dangerous glow.

"LEEEEROY JENKINS." Smaug yells as she charges into the storm of cabbage. "I'm gonna get the money!"

Smaug laughs as she begins to punch cabbage. Kazuma is watching the scene and he's sweat droping. "She's gone insane."

"Everyone!" Luna shouts to everyone. "The annual cabbage harvesting season has arrived! This year's cabbages are of fine quality, and will go for 10,000 eris per head harvested!"

Smaug's laughter increases.

Luna points to the cages next to her. "Please capture as many cabbages as you can and lock them up here!"

People cheer and Smaug keeps laughing. 

Smaug grabs a cabbage and holds it up. "I got one!" Suddenly a punch of cabbages begin to pelt her. "KYA!"

Her shirt begins to rip so does her pants and her eyes twitch. "PERVERTS!" A bunch of magic surrounds her hands. "I HATE YOU! DRAGONG FURRY!" 

Smaug holds her hand outs and a large stream of fire leaves the palms of her hands.

All the cabbages around her become cooked. 

"BAKA!" Smaug yells as she kicks a dead cabbage away from her.

Suddenly she feels large amounts of magic being gathered and then a red pillar descends from the sky, right next to her.

"Well, sh-" A massive explosion goes off.

Special Bonus

Abundant Cabbage Harvest

Later that night Smaug is sitting with her party at a table. Her hair is singed and some soot covers her face, and her clothes are still ripped, but she's happily eating some cabbage.

"I'd expect no less from a crusader." Aqua says to Darkness. "It's no surprise that those cabbages had a tough time breaching your iron-clad defenses."

Darkness blushes. "No, I'm just a solidly-built woman." 

Smaug looks Darkness up and down. "Yeah, you are."

"Such lecherous eyes." Darkness moans.

Smaug blushes and goes back to eating. 'dangerous woman, but so hot.'

"Aqua's Nature's Beauty was splendid, as well." Megumin States. "She boosted the morale of all the adventurers, and preserved the freshness of the harvested cabbage with cold water."

"It was nothing." Aqua says. "That's only natural for an arch priest who heals everyone."

"Is that important?" Kazuma asks Aqua.

"An arch priest's magical water is very pure!"

"Really?"

Darkness turns to Megumin. "Megumin's magic was astounding, too! You blew away the entire swarm of cabbages in a single blow!"

"Have you now seen the power of the crimson demon bloodline?" Megumin says proudly. "But I am sorry for blowing you up, Smaug."

Smaug gives her a thumbs up. "It wasn't that painful. I'm thick skinned!"

"That's not the only thing that's thick." Kazuma mumbles.

"You have something to say!" Smaug yells at Kazuma.

Kazuma shakes his head and Smaug glares at him.

"I atta destroy you for what you did earlier today."

"I said I was sorry and at least I didn't get pelted with cabbages like you or darkness."

Smaug grumbles.

"You can destroy me any time." Darkness says with a blush.

Smaug starts to day dream and blood falls from her nose.

Aqua turns to Kazuma. "You weren't half bad yourself!"

"Indeed." Megumin adds. "When you erase your presence with the Lurk skill and attack the enemy from behind with Steal, you looks just like a skilled assassin."

Smaug puts a hand over her pants.

"Kazuma, by my name, I hereby confer upon you the title of 'The Great Cabbage Thief.'" Aqua tells Kazuma.

"Oh, shut up!" He yells at her. "Jeez, how did things end up like this?"

"More importantly, you now understand my abilities as a crusader." Darkness stands up. "So, once more... My name is Darkness. i can use swords with either hand, but don't expect me to be a powerhouse in battle. I'm far too clumsy, and my attacks hardly ever hit their mark. However, I'm very good at becoming a wall!"

"Our party is turning out to have a pretty impressive roster, huh?" Aqua says to Kazuma.

Smaug grabs a pint of beer from a passing waitress and begins to drink it.

"There's me, an arch priest, Megumin, an arch wizard, Smaug, a Dragon Slayer," Smaug finishes drinking her pint and grabs another. "and Darkness, a crusader." Aqua says. "There aren't many parties where four out of five members are advance job classes!"

"I'm looking forward to working with you." darkness says to the group.

"Yes, pleased to have you." Megumin says back.

Smaug slams her third empty pint of beer on the table and she haves a blush on her face.

"Uh, oh." Kazuma says. "She can't hold her liquor!"

Smaug stands up. "I feel great!" She hiccups and she slaps Darkness on the butt. "And we have a new hot party member.

Darkness moans and blushes. "Such defilement."

"Now come here!" A drunk Smaug grabs Darkness and pulls her into a kiss.

The party cries out as the two are making out and turn into a moaning mess.

"STOP!" Kazuma yells. 'This party is insane!'

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2389 words.

06-17-2022

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