Chapter 9: Shopping and stuff

While thinking about Anna's words, a drop of tear slipped my eye.

What was she talking about? Ofcourse I know that. I can't feel emotions but I have BRAIN which I USE when situation required. I know. I know. I know. I know. 

I just wish to get amnesia someday so that I can forget who I am. I just want to forget everything. I don't know why, but everytime someone reminds me of my past, my heart aches. I feel uneasy. I feel suffocating. It just feels like I'm drowning and I am using every ounce of my strength to just get to the surface. I feel like I'm trapped. My heart tells me to let it all out but there isn't anything coming out. Why is it like this. Why? Just Why? What is this feeling. What is it telling to me? What is it asking from me? Why is my heart aching like this? I remember that one time I went to doctor and consulted about my condition. After examining me, he recommended me to a psychiatrist. 

It seems like something is wrong with me. Something is just seriously wrong with me. Am I broken? Am I empty from inside? Am I abnormal? Am I what they call a freak? Do I deserve to live? Do I? Do I? These were the thoughts my past self had. 

I came to a realisation. I am not normal. I just came to accept that fact. Yes! I am crazy. I am not normal. I am apathetic. But do I care? NO. Do I give a damn? NO. Does anyone gives a sh*t? NO. Do anyone care? NO. The fact is that world itself works like that. It doesn't care about you or anyone. It literally doesn't give a damn. Nobody cares whether I live or die. Then a certain anime character gave me motivation. I have to just keep moving forward. Even in death even after death. I felt disgusted by my past self who once thought of suicide.

Before today, I felt I was strong. But now my delusion was broken, I'm weak. I'm too weak. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared that one day I will loose my last emotion. Will I cease to exist then? Will I die? I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Please someone save me. Anyone. Please. Please. I beg you. Please...

I woke up from sleep. I was breathing fast and sweating buckets. I found Anna enveloping me with tear in her eyes. Her hands were grabbing my head, that was already in her bosom. I felt relaxed. I don't remember anything that happened. My memory was hazy. Anna was looking at me with tearful expression. I got out of her embrace. She hesitatingly stepped back. It looked like she wanted to hug me more, but now's not the time for that.

I told her I was going to take a shower and went into the bathroom. Was I dreaming? Was all that a dream? Was I scared? Who was I asking help from? Why was I asking for help? I had no idea. After coming out, I saw Anna sitting in the corner of the room with a gloomy face and swollen eyes. I think she cried buckets. She looked a complete mess. After seeing me, she immediately ran towards me and gave me a hug and now her face was very close to mine.

"What happened? Why were you sobbing?" [ANNA]

"I don't seem to remember anything. What happened actually?"[ME]

"You were sobbing and murmuring things like 'save me' and 'I'm scared'. I was scared and worried what happened to you."[ANNA]

"Well I don't remember anything. Anyway, weren't we going on a shopping today?" I was feeling uncomfortable, so I changed the topic. 

"Yup. Just wait for me for a few minutes" she said and happily went towards bathroom. After 5 mins, she was out and in like 10 mins, she was fully ready. I was pretty surprised by that speed. She didn't applied any makeup but still looked outstanding. I begin to feel comfortable around her. I feel calm around her. She seems to lift some kind of burden from my heart. Earlier in her bosom, I was feeling relaxed. I couldn't put the feelings into words. But, oh well....

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"Yup, I know I'm looking outstanding. You don't need to say that. I was called the beauty from school time because of a reason, you dummy" she said with a smug expression.

"Well let's go"[ME]

After locking the door, she and I went to parking lot. I actually forgot that she had a car. Well, this will make things much easier and we'll surely be able to save some time. We now were heading to the store that was recommended by YouTube. Things she wanted to buy were bed, table, mattress etc. I didn't remember all of them. Shopping was not worth mentioning. It was pretty ordinary. We carried some items with us and rest will be delivered by tomorrow.

After shopping we stopped by at a restaurant. It was nicely designed and gave a very comfortable feeling. Anna seems to be very hungry by looking at the quantity of dishes she was ordering. I had yet another problem. For some reason, I felt nauseous whenever I eat someone else's food. I vomit everytime I eat food made by others. It was like my body rejecting the food that was made by others. Only exceptions were Roxanne and Rachael. Rachael was a pretty good cook herself. I tried her cooking before and I was able to eat without vomitting.

I ordered a simple cold coffee. Anna was digging in her food like some animal. It was cute. I've known her since a long time and I knew how much of a klutz she is. 

While I was observing her, my eyes met with a women sitting on the opposite side. Upon seeing me, she smiled and got up from her seat, coming towards us. She wore baggy full sleeved tshirt along with a jeans and sneaker. She has long black hairs and was quite beautiful. In beauty, she could give a fight to Anna. She wore baggy clothes because she disliked having others checking her out. She looked to be no more than 25 but she was already in her late 30s. I know very well about her......

"My,my Allen. Fancy meeting you here out of all places. You know you could atleast give me a call sometimes. I am worried about you and here you are-?" she was lost for a moment there....

"Are you on a date?"

.......she is none other than my psychiatrist Jennifer.

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