Chapter 4: Chapter 4 – Vegas Baby!

CHAPTER 4

I crossed my large arms over my chest. “This is what has been happening to FFO gamers worldwide.  Is it not?” 

“Bingo,” Fozzy nodded.

“So I’m in a game then?”

“Not exactly.”

“Go on, please.”

“Ah yes well,” Fozzy replied as he paced.  However, his pacing was, in fact, hopping like a kangaroo. “Fantasy Frontier Online is more of an audition.”

“Audition?”

“The gods of this world choose players that they deem worthy. You’re a pro at FFO, so you are familiar with these gods.”

“The Nine?”

“Of course.”

“Continue please. I don’t know why you give short answers and just stop. Go on.”

“Right, right,” Fozzy nodded rapidly and stopped pacing.

“See, there you go again.  Please tell me why I’m here and how I get back home.”

“Get back?”

“Goddamit, stop that!”

Fozzy’s eyes widened, and he shuddered from my outburst.  “There is no going back.  You are here on the planet Solaire forever.”

“No going back? What the heck?  I have to go back.  I have a life.  Family, friends–”

Fozzy cut me off. “And nothing else.  You play FFO constantly.  Why not come to the world and live it.  You are already, digitally.  What’s the big deal?”

“What’s the big deal?  You can’t just take someone from another world from everything they know and love to a strange new world!”

Fozzy held up his paw.  “In my defense, I didn’t bring you.  The Nine did.  I just want to clarify,” Fozzy chuckled.

“Is this funny to you?  Huh?”

The purple kangaroo cringed. “Well, kinda...no, I mean.”

“GET TO THE POINT!” I clenched my fists and shouted.

“Alright.  You were a really skillful player of their game, and since your life blew donkey dick, they just brought you here to do what you were good at for the rest of your life.  Pretty thoughtful, I think.”

“I disagree.  However, I’m here now so I need to know what I need to do.  Plus, I need some fucking pants.  My dick… while impressive, is exposed for the world to see.”

“It sure is.  I’m getting uncomfortable, to be honest.  I think you should put some clothes on.”

“Do you see any clothes around here?”

“Nope, I don’t.  Sorry, while it is inappropriate to show me your penis.  I can’t fault you for it.”

I placed my index finger and middle finger on each hand to my temples and rubbed in a circular motion.

“I can see you’re frustrated.  Totally understandable.  I’ll move on to the next part of your world introduction,” Fozzy clapped and four slot machines appeared in front of me.

“I’m not really a gambler.”

“You will find out your class, rank, profession, and profession level.  Isn’t that exciting?”

“You mean, I can’t choose what I want to be? What the hell?”

“Yeah, no. There are some differences between the game and the actual world.  Sorry about that. Why don’t you pull one.  Start on the left one,” the purple kangaroo motioned to the slot machine labeled “Class,” furthest on the left.

I shook my head and took a deep breath. I grasped the lever and looked at Fozzy, then back at the machine.  I pulled in one swift motion.  The display spun rapidly and my heart began to beat at the same speed.  Fozzy whistled the theme from the final round of “Jeopardy.”  How did he even know what “Jeopardy” was? The spinning slowed down, and I gulped.

BARBARIAN

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“Tada!  You have been given the class of Barbarian!” Fozzy shouted.

Great, a melee class as a mindless Barbarian idiot.  A Barbarian would be one of the last classes I would ever choose. “That sucks.”

“Sucks?  How so?  Barbarians are cool!  Would you rather be a gnome or dwarf and get picked on for the rest of your life?  Come on man, the Barbarian is an elite class! Now pull the lever on the next slot machine so we can see what your starting rank is.  I’m dying to know.”

“Rank?  There aren’t ranks in FFO.  Do you mean level?”

“Nope, the game has levels, but we have ranks here in the actual world.  It makes life simpler. There is F, E, D, C, B, A, S.  God, I hope you get a C rank or higher.  Starting lower than that would be disastrous.  This is the slot machine your really want to pray with.  It will basically tell you whether your life will be bad or good.  Da-gone, I am so nervous.”

“You’re nervous?  I’m the one that has to live with this shit.  With my luck, it is going to be F for sure.”

“Oh gods, don’t say that.  I’ve never seen an F rank person before.  I can’t imagine how horrible that would be.  Anything below C is a struggle.”

“Am I stuck at whatever rank I roll?  I can’t ascend or level up?”

“Yes, you can, but it takes a while. In actuality, anything below C isn’t strong enough to do the things that need to be done to ascend in rank.  That kind of sucks.  For instance, an F-Rank person can’t go dungeon diving.  They can’t kill anything except creatures like mice or insects.  Do you know how long it takes to move up the ranks by killing mice?  It will take decades.  Oh gods, I’m getting more nervous by the second.  Just do it.”

“I’m fucking petrified.  I don’t want to do it.  If I get a low rank, I’m going to just jump off this damn cliff.”

“If you get E or F, that isn’t actually a bad idea.”

“Fuck!” I yelled and pulled my hair.

I grabbed the lever and pulled it slowly.  I felt like I was going to puke again.  I backed away and my body shook like it would if I found Jason Voorhees standing at the end of my bed with a bloody machete in his hand.  The machine slowed, then it stopped.

S-RANK

“Holy shit balls, Chad!  This is amazing!  I’ve never seen an S-Rank person before.  Unbelievable!”

“So S-Rank is good, right?”

“Do you think I would have this jolly reaction if it wasn’t?  S-Rank is as good as it gets!”  Fozzy replied as he bounced up and down, shaking his kangaroo fists in the air.

I breathed a sigh of relief and put my hands on my hips and paced with a small smile on my face.  I didn’t really understand what all of this meant for me, but I wasn’t a low rank, so that was really great.

“Now, pull the next lever!”

I nodded and grabbed the lever on the Profession machine and pulled.  The familiar spin began, and I patiently awaited the result.

“You can get more professions in addition to this one. However, this will be the one that you will be most knowledgeable and proficient in,” Fozzy clarified.

I nodded and crossed my arms again, and hoped for something good.  I was worried I used up all my luck on the class rank machine.  I hope I didn’t end up with a janitor profession or something.  I hoped for some kind of crafting profession—blacksmith or leatherworking would be amazing.  Please God or gods.

COOKING

“Cooking?  How do you feel about that one?  At least it isn’t ‘Prostitute’.”

“Jesus, that was an option?  Cooking will work.  I leveled that profession to 100 in the game.  I enjoyed that a lot.  I’m thrilled right now.”

“Good! You’ve been extremely lucky so far.  Let’s see if it continues with the last slot machine.  The possibilities here are: Trainee, Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced, and Genius.  I think these levels are pretty self explanatory.  Trainee level will kind of suck but not too much.  Your abilities will be almost non-existent until you go to a culinary school or find a mentor that will take you under their wing.  At the other end of the spectrum, the Genius level will mean you are–”

“A cooking genius,” I cut him off.

“Yes, pull the lever now!  The suspense is killing me,” Fozzy shouted.

I did as the purple kangaroo said, and my heart pounded.  I waited impatiently as the machine chose my cooking level.  

“Please… please… please,” I pleaded under my breath while wringing my hands.

GENIUS

I jumped and raised my fist in the air.  Three out of the four machines resulted in exceptional results.  I wasn’t happy with my Barbarian class, but it could have been much worse.

“It’s showtime,” Fozzy announced.

A bright glow surrounded me, and I began to change.

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